Slept with ex and now he wants me back -- now what?

[confused25]

I dunno what to do.

 

My ex of nearly two years broke up with me at the beginning of Nov. due to various reasons -- communication problems, our differences in personalities and interests, and the fact that he was still hung up about something I had done in the past before I met him. After the breakup, we went from no contact, to limited contact, and then on the night before new year's eve we hung out together in a group setting. We both got pretty drunk that night and one thing led to another, I ended up going back to his place and we slept together. We had a talk afterwards and now he wants me back. I'm reluctant because we had done this once before. We broke up the first time over the same exact reasons but we ended up getting back together because we thought we'd try to work on our problems. Well that didn't really work out because honestly, I don't think neither of us really put in the effort to make the relationship work. He was the once who initiated the breakup both imes and I really can't trust him anymore. He'll break up with me with he's not happy with the relationship, and then he'll start to miss me and regret about his decision and ask me back. My head is telling me that I should not get back with him because he's going to break my heart again, but yet my heart is telling me to give him another chance. He has said a lot of nice things to me that are making me believe that he really wants to try to make things work out this time around, but I dunno if he's just saying that because he just misses me and this is just a desperate ploy to get me back, or does he REALLY want to be with me and is willing to put in the effot to make it work this time around -- does it make sense?? We didn't celebrate new year's eve together but he came over to my place on new years and we hooked up again. When he asked me again what our status is I just told him that I'm not sure. I don't think I'm going to get back with him right away until he has shown me that he's really putting in the effort to win me back. Right now we'll just hang out and see how things go. I know it's a bad idea and I'm worried that I'll get attached, but I just dunno how else to approach this.

[meantime]

That is a tough one. I know how difficult things are when you think with your heart, they are cloudy. Your head seems to have a clear idea of what the reality of your relationship is, so for now, go with your head. If his actions demonstrate to you that he is in fact making changes then re-think your relationship. Personally, if someone broke up with me twice, I don't think I would be putting my heart out there again any time soon.

[itsallgrand]

Hey. Been there!

 

Hmm. What to say to you to get your head to over-ride your heart right now?

 

Well, I guess to start: there is no rush to choose, right? If he truly does want you back, and he is serious, he will wait.

He will wait until the post-new year's rush of emotions (it can take people on wild rides) has calmed down.

He will wait while you work through the old issues that have not yet been worked through yet.

He will wait while you try dating, and getting to know each other again.

 

Sleeping with an ex...oh man! I know, I know. It is as if you get amnensia and 'fall in love' all over again.

 

Well...phaww to that! It is hormones. It's a painful game we play with ourselves to pretend like everything can go 'back like it used to be'.

 

Then one day, cold reality and all the old problems come back and smack you in the face and it hurts 20 times as bad.

 

If you are anything like the majority of women I know, and myself, to sleep with someone means to bond with someone. There is emotion there. There is hope there.

 

That really isn't the best frame of mind for entering a relationship - and that is what he is suggesting.

What really would need to happen is for the heavy 'work' to happen first.

You know...all those reasons why you broke up before...aren't they still there?

 

You obviously have doubts about jumping back into this, and that is good. You should.

The history is there. And he has shown nothing of how things have changed.

 

take care of yourself and stop now. That would be my opinion.

[arwen]

I have been where you are now, also for the second time around. I regret going back together that second time. The failure of the first time should have been enough, and it only made things hurt even more. But then again, hindsight is always 20-20. At that moment, I was still feeling so much for the ex that the rational arguments to NOT get back together weren't powerful enough.

 

If you already see the problems of getting back together at THIS moment, then I suggest DON'T get back with him. Complete NC.

 

Ilse

[AwdreeHpburn]

I guess you're just going to have to make up your mind and stick to a decision you can live with. You're going to have to experience if for yourself. Make the mistake, learn from it.

 

Resolve, consistency and stick-to-it've-ness

[MacGyverRI]

don't do it and move on.

 

If the issues were a biggie before, they will get worse. been there, done that.

[chance]

If I am reading your post right, you broke up before for the same reason as this time. If that is the case, you need to sit down with him and resolve whatever issues uoi have. It won't just go away, but if you both want it to work, then you can work at resolving the unresolved issues together.

 

By doing this, you are taking care of the problem and by working together you are helping to make a stronger bond between the two of you.

 

If you believe you can work through the problems, and you believe he wants to as well, I say take it slow and try and work through your relationship.

[lifestream]

If I am reading your post right, you broke up before for the same reason as this time. If that is the case, you need to sit down with him and resolve whatever issues uoi have. It won't just go away, but if you both want it to work, then you can work at resolving the unresolved issues together.

 

By doing this, you are taking care of the problem and by working together you are helping to make a stronger bond between the two of you.

 

If you believe you can work through the problems, and you believe he wants to as well, I say take it slow and try and work through your relationship.

 

I like this post a lot. It's naive to think you can change a person, but relationships take hard work, they aren't easy. To give up when your emotions tell you otherwise isn't something I would recommend whole heartedly. But you two do have big differences and you have to recognize this.

 

I'm a firm believer in redemption and second chances. But it takes hard work, that neither of you may be willing to deal with yet.

 

But I would be weary about this. I mean, you guys did get together while you were under the influence. Both of you could be speaking from the heat of the moment. Figure out your feelings first. Do what you truly believe.

 

But to quote a quote by Baz Luhrrmann "advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth."