Seeing is believing

[Shaker]

My ex sent me an email asking to see me tomorrow night and chat, or for me to pick a time/date that works. We haven't seen eachother for a month, and he ended the four-year old relationship over the phone a few weeks ago. I know he's seeing someone else now (and he doesn't know I know: what a loop!), so he may want to talk about it to warn me...but I'm really stuck on what his motivation is for this meeting.

 

Is it because he wants to break up with me all over again, this time in person?

 

Is it because I had asked a week ago if he felt we ought to talk about things in person? (He said 'no' by the way, that he'd talk to me in person if it was what I wanted. I flipped him a virtual bird over the phone, and have since decided this probably isn't a good idea).

 

Is it because we're both back in the city from the holidays now?

 

I just don't know what to expect. I know I can say 'no', say nothing at all, or meet up with him.

 

Advice? What would you do?

[lostinreading]

I am facing the self same dilemma (except i don't think he's seeing someone else). my bf ended things on the phone too and now feels bad and wants to talk in person. I decided that there's nothing left to say, and told him I don't want to, to tell me anything he still feels he needs to in an email. It's too late to make up for the crappy way he ended things.

 

It's up to you really, but if its already a month, you've probably come a long way and i can't see how seeing him would make you feel any better.

 

Think about your own feelings, if you think you are strong enough/will get something from it (new information, closure) then go for it but since you know he has someone else, if you still have feelings for him and this hurts you i would avoid avoid avoid.

[finewhine]

Sheesh, that stinks. I'm sorry you're in this predicament! If it makes you feel any better, please know that my ex forced me to break up with him over the phone after three and a half years and started dating someone else two weeks later. Yeah, I'm not quite over it yet, but please know it will get a lot better.

 

To answer your question - YOU DON'T OWE HIM A MEETING!!!!

 

Who's calling the shots here? He disrespected you by breaking up with you over the phone. That's a super crappy thing to do to someone. Screw him! Don't meet with him! Tell him that since he could break up with you over the phone, he can tell you what he needs to tell you now over the phone. Don't endanger your own wellbeing for his sake.

[mikeca]

like everyone else said, dont go. Its not going to be worth it. It'll set you back and clear his conscience.

[lady00]

Agreed...don't go. The fact that he started seeing someone so soon after breaking up with you after 4 years together is really lame. Since the breakup already happened and he's seeing someone else so what he has to tell you isn't anything you need to hear. Ignore him...it'll make you feel better in the long run even if it upsets you in the short run. Good luck. Sorry to hear you're going through this!

[MacGyverRI]

Face to face may hurt you more, on the phone is best.

[Maverick32x]

I personally would go see him..... I would like to have closure on the relationship.. even if it would hurt, I guess I would get more satisfaction knowing that we officially ended it instead of just doing it over the phone......

also, I would like him/her to see what she is missing out on now that I'm gone (i guess that last bit is a tad spiteful ;; )

[arrrrffff]

I personally would go see him..... I would like to have closure on the relationship.. even if it would hurt, I guess I would get more satisfaction knowing that we officially ended it instead of just doing it over the phone...

 

However, Shaker was dumped. So there is no 'we' officially ended it because it was one sided. There was no mutual breakup here.

 

A meeting would probably hurt you and advance them more. Why would you want to do that?

[Maverick32x]

Well I don't think advancement of a relationship is what you are looking for?

to my knowledge you want to see this person (or else you wouldn't be posting here) And sure it may hurt to see him, but I think it would be better to just see him and get it over with.... instead of just running? I don't know.. it just seems childish

[Shaker]

Thanks, guys. I guess I agree that there's something childish or spineless about avoiding him, but my goal was to put aside what my actions may look like to him and just figure out what I needed to do for me. Here's the update.

 

He sent a second email (this time about bills), so I felt like I should respond. He wanted to know if I was in town again, etc., and what my availability is like tonight. I sent a couple of sentences to say I was back, but busy tonight (which is true). He also wanted to know about my New Year's Eve. I didn't address any of that (but I did have a great night).

 

Haven't heard back from him yet, but I think it must feel weird to him as well that we're in the same town and haven't crossed paths (not a mistake).

 

Although--and this is funny to me for some reason--but on the way here a couple of days ago, I was driving down the highway with a friend, legs shaking, eyes welling up to be back here, and my ex was driving one lane over. What are the chances!? Apparently, I was the only one who noticed.

[Deserted1]

Leave it alone! It's over. Walk away and begin your healing.

[Shaker]

Leave it? I'm trying to, I guess, but it's a struggle. When I think about bumping in to him, I start feeling queasy and have been on edge when I'm out and about in town.

 

He ended up not responding to me, so I guess that's that. He must have written in a moment of weakness.

 

I felt awful for most of yesterday, especially when I was at the apartment. But on the bright side:

1. I think I finally found a place to live (I'll know more today), so I won't have to sleep on couches for another week. (Being turned out of your place adds a whole new level of trouble--I've barely been able to get work done, stopped get excercise, and hardly sleep).

2. I posted an on-line personal ad with a friend for fun last night (after a little too much wine)

3. And I finally got that haircut and a sexy pair of jeans.

[Shaker]

Get this.

 

I spoke to my ex today because I was given a message for him from the power company. In the (very brief) conversation, I had said that I needed the apartment in the evening and to steer clear. He said okay.

 

When I got in from looking at apartments, he was in the shower. He dressed in the bathroom, came into the kitchen where I was, smiling of course. The dialogue:

 

Him: Hi.

Me: Hi.

Him: You're making supper?

Me: Yep.

Him: I haven't eaten.

Me: Do you want me to throw some in the pot for you?

Him: No, I'm late for the hockey game. Do you have a place to stay tonight?

Me: Yes.

Him: I can talk to my friends and see if they have a place for me tonight.

Me: No, it's okay.

Him: When are you moving?

Me: Excuse me?

Him: It must be quite the week looking at apartments all the time.

Me: Yep.

Him: Are you moving tomorrow?

Me: I'm doing the best I can.

Him: It came out wrong.

Me: Okay.

Him: Okay. See you later.

 

So--the idiot dumps me over the phone a month ago, and this is the first time we've seen each other in over a month, and he goes to watch a game.

 

Why? Because he's a child. I hope the team rips out his heart and uses it as a puck.

 

Wait...what heart?

[Maverick32x]

lol, o well!!! Sounds like you got things under control