please help - cant understand messages from ex

[needingadvice]

hi everyone im new today to this forum and have been reading throught others posts and it seems people really care and offer good advice on here.if anyone could offer me advice it would be much appreciated as im feeling v low and not coping well at alll.

 

after a tubulent relationship of 5 years my ex and i split up in august. since then a week has not passed where we have not contacted one another and i have to admit more recently it has been me initiating contact ( it was sort a more my decision to split in august as i couldnt handle his selfish behaviour anymore). he always replies to my texts and gives me very mixed messages, especially considering last week i fund out he has a new girlfriend which about killed me. i resolved on NY Eve not to contact him again - im on day 2 and it hurts like hell.

 

last week even after he knew i knew he was seeing somebody else he sent me very confusing texts - some examples:

 

Me: "Does she make you happy?"

Him: "You know you made me very happy, i loved you more than ul ever know"

 

then he sent "i will miss you more than anything you will always be in my mind but i wont bother you" "i will miss you no matter what"

 

then "maybe one day we will meet again". i pointed out if we werent going to be togerther now what was the point of still thinking of me in his future. he replied with "i didnt say that did i, just mayb one day we'll meet again - forget it then"

 

i have made myself look like a fool telling him i wanted to sort it, how much i missed him etc. i told him i know he's happy now thou - first he replied "whatever u think", then "yes i am happy" but i sort of pushed him into saying this telling him i was happy when im deinitely not! he said maybe we have just tried to many times already and have proved we cant be together and that "it will be very hard but in time we will get used to it"

 

please what do people think of his repsonses? on NY i realised i was hurting so much with contact i text him wishing him luck for the future and apologising for having contact him so much. i then said "i miss you still, but goodbye" he replied "you to angel, dont worry". i text the word goodbye and he didnt reply. we've had no contact since but i badly badly want to contact him.

 

 

please any advice greatly appreciated i just feel so so low

[sparkle1]

I can see why you are confused!!!!!!

 

Firstly you are only on day 2 of NC and what you are going through is completely normal -and it will get better and easier! PROMISE!

 

Why do you want to contact him?

Do you want him back?

Or are you feeling rejected that he's moved on? and you're still anchoring after him?

 

X

[needingadvice]

thank u so much for replying - looking on hear to see if anyone has replied is the only thing keeping me going at the minute - i feel like iv hit rock bottom.

 

i guess u can see why im confused by texts. i also got a text from him 2 weeks ago accusing me of seeing a guy that lives down the road from me (totally untrue) but why would my ex do that if he is now with someone else. why all the texts and miss yous?

 

i understand what your saying. i dont think i can handle that he has mved on and i still feel so bad. but i also feel that iv never loved anyone like him (althou he had a lot of issues of his own) and i never will again. thats how it feels. i miss him so much. i dont know whether to send him an email to say thats it - if he doesnt want to sort it with me i wont be there in the future to give him the option (i think he thinks i will). but if i do that, i know its only been 2 days of NC but it feels like weeks already and if i broke it id be back to square 1. any advice so much appreciated xx thank u for replying xx

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You broke up with him and then talked about how you are happy. Maybe this new person is a rebound for him and he is not really happy. Or maybe because of his pain and the fact that you broke up with him but now seem to have regrets, he is rubbing it in your face. The only thing you can do is be blunt with him...no cover ups etc, just tell him that you would like to work things out with him and try again, but if he doesn't want to and wants to see where things are going to go with the new woman, then you will back out of his life (no contact).

[sparkle1]

Well hang on in there!

 

I don't know where everyone else is today! Holidays have probably meant ppl not logging in....

 

When people split up - there is usually a part of one of the parties that don't really want to lose contact. In this instance, you broke it off....thereforeeee he was the injured party (so to speak).

 

He has moved on, but he doesn't want to 'burn his bridges'. He will still care for you and miss you, as you do him. However, have faith that you will one day stop missing him - but only if you cut his out of your life and move on.

 

People leave footprints on your heart. This man was a massive part of your life for a long time - getting over one another isnt easy and there are no rights and wrongs.

 

You need to think about YOU now. And what the future holds. He has moved on and his actions have spoken louder then words.

 

You must try and stop analysing his texts - as we all play on words, and indeed look for hidden meanings.

 

Let 2007 be a freash start. THis man had 5 years. How many more years of your precious life will you give?

 

NC is HARD. It is breaking the routine and security - however - it is placing you in control.....and control is what you need to regain, relationshp and life.

 

You will move on, you fill the void he has left, and replace the pain and hurt with new memories which will make you smile.....

 

Hugs

 

Sparkle x

[needingadvice]

thank you to you both for your advice and Sparkle you are right, to be honest him having 5 years of my life was too much to give him - he didnt treat me overly well and thats why I cant understand why I feel this way now - I know in my head he does not deserve the love and care I gave him throughout, but my heart says I miss him and not contacting him feels awful. Maybe aswell I am struggling with the notion that this time he has moved on and whilst I feel so sad he is happy and moving forward with a new life. I also know you're right when you say actions spea louder than words - i Guess he could tell me anythin on a text message just so he's not burnt his bridges - why do i always fall for it and think this time he may want me and be what he's always promised he will be xx

[Juliana]

Usually if we are treated badly in a relationship, our self-esteem is so damaged by the time we leave, we are susceptible to even crumbs of affection from the person who hurt us. So, although you don't understand why you are so attached to a relationship that was bad for you, I do. You have to go hard into no contact until your self-esteem is built up again in new relationships and new experiences. Challenge yourself a little. Force yourself to go out into the world and do something you've always dreamed of doing -- whether it's hair extensions, or climbing Mt. Everest doesn't matter; the point is, you are fulfilling your ambitions for yourself. Stop looking for Mr. Yes/No to give you a straight answer, and just go on with your life.

 

I doubt if I could spend 5 minutes talking to someone like that, so credit to you for trying, but it's time to move on.

[needingadvice]

thank u for taking the time to reply everything u have said makes perfect sense - he has been Mr Yes/No for 3 years and i thrive on when he's Mr Yes to feel awful when he's Mr No again. im doing this to myself and i always thought i was stong but i do think my self-esteem has been knocked like u said

[meantime]

Juliana that is such good advice. I am three weeks into NC and reading your post was just what I needed to remind myself that I am doing the best thing I can do for myself. I am amazed as I read these boards, the number of women who are willing to accept crumbs from a person who if they did not "love" them would not give the time of day to otherwise. Needingadvice...a great book is "The ten stupid things women do to mess up their lives"...it is worth a read. I hope you feel better. Please remember feeling better after a heartbreak is not linear, which makes it so diffucult.

[needingadvice]

thank u to u all for ur great advice . last night i felt much more positive in the evening but have woke up this morning feeling pretty bad. i know i have to do NC but at this stage dont know how i wil get through the urges to resist contact and know i need to be in the frame of mind of doing NC for myself and not using it as a tool to make him miss me. At times i feel im ready to do it to heal then at other times if im honest im thinking i wonder how long it will take for him to miss me or whether he wont anymore as he has moved on with someone new, my feelings are so mixed. he did email yesterday to say i miss you 100% of everyday, but then i know from his character he could wake up today and feel fine wishing he'd never said that. i just feel so low at minute and want to have strength to do NC as i can see hear the positive results it's had for people

[lizziebee]

Why, when our exes are happy or have moved on, why do we feel like we have to validate ourselves by seeing if we might not be able to get him/her back? He is happy. Leave him be. He did not want to hurt you so he is sending mixed messages not realizing just how mixed they are. If you break his relationship up with this new woman, do you think maybe there may be some resentment? And how would you feel if you were in his shoes? Seems you only became fervent about being with him again when you found out about the new woman...Sometimes the holidaze bring up old emotions etc. and make us more vulnerable and we act out of selfishness. Tread Carefully and take care of you in the New Year.

[lizziebee]

N.A. I still believe that this ex of yours has an ego that needs stroking. He knows you will be the one to pick up the pieces if anything should go wrong in THIS new relationship, and then what? You get back together, realize you made an awful mistake (again it sounds like) and he either gets to break with you because he has found another woman, or you stand up and do it to him...AGAIN? I am tired just thinking about this. Move on honey, you are certain to find the stable minded man you are seeking.

[needingadvice]

thanks for your advice lizziebee i know this time i need to move forward. i dont expect NC to be easy but i know in my head the way he treated me again and again during our time together was not acceptable and he does believe i will always be there for him. i think if i dont contact him now, my silence will say more than any words could

[lizziebee]

Hi NA, I truly believe that this man hurt you, I can feel it in your words. Yes it is hard to turn off the bad noise when you are out of contact or when he has a new GF...'Is she prettier' 'smarter' more helpful to his ego? You need to remember the part of your relationship that mad you want to break it off the very first time, was it the first year? the second? We do not need men to validate the good we have inside. Yes, the compliments make you float and FORGET sometimes, but remind yourself, hell, remind him of the hurt he caused you....So my dear....for now, sshhhhhhh. Feel good about you.

[needingadvice]

you are totally correct lizziebee he hurt me very very badly on many occasions and i think part of my pain has been wanting to make him see just how he hurt me - wanting him to hurt like i do no matter how awful that sounds - but instead he just seems to happily moving on. i know that should be my biggest signal ever to let go now and its 2007, what better time to try x

[needingadvice]

i tell you what though - the no contact thing is really hard no matter how much you know its the right thing. the thing i find the hardest at the minute - and im at the very beginning of my NC (2 days) is he was the last one to send me an email with a question. i didnt reply. i guess in 1 way that is good in that i took control of the situation by not replying to him, but in another way i just keep thinking shoulld i have just replied. id told him a week before i thought we could try again and he replied "angel we both know its too late dont we" so i said ok its goodbye then. He replied "what do you mean? Trying again was never mentioned until a few days ago before you were so angry at me over everything". i am just having a real dip at the min where this is so hard. where in the NC stage do you gradually start to feel a bit stronger?x

[blender]

Usually these kind of "Mixed signal" messages, or texts, are NOT about YOU, they are just done so the "ex" can alleviate any guilt on thier part, or to just keep an "ego supply" (you) which has become a "habit" for them.. so protect your own heart now, have the self respect to go "no contact" for today, one day at a time.

 

Think of the alternative, you keep making "contact" only to get more of the same, so the only thing you have the power to change here is how YOU choose to approach this, and so far, the "contact" thing is NOT working for YOU, so continue "NO contact" so you can cry, grieve. let go of what you "hoped could be" with him and instead concentrate on who he's actually "revealed" himself to be. He's a non-commital guy, who is not respecting your heart, because he's learning from YOU that YOU do not respect your OWN heart enough to cut him out of your life.

 

So starting today, you are going to gather up all your courage, and get back to putting all this energy into YOURSELF. He does NOT hold the key to your "closure", your "happiness", or your "wonderful future" that key is in YOUR hand, so please give yourself a break, forgive yourself, it's okay that you "tried" to "keep" him, but now learn from all this, and let go.. and hang onto something far more important than "him", and that is YOURSELF.. and your "sense of self".

 

We get the same lessons over and over again in life until we "choose" to learn from them, so the good news is you are now making the SELF RESPECTING CHOICE to learn from all this, and to maintain 'NO CONTACT'... one day at a time, easy does it, it's not going to be easy, but the RIGHT thing to do is usually the most difficult, takes the most courage, and in no time you will start to feel empowered with each day you go without contact...

 

For each day you go without contact put a dollar, or five dollars in a jar, at the end of a month, or two, or three, go out and buy YOURSELF something!

 

In the meantime add something "new" in your life, like get a new hobby, voulunteer at a hospital, learn a new language, take up the guitar, jog, excersize, do something that makes YOU better.. forget about him for right now, he's on his own life journey, stuck in his own "life pattern" and for today YOU are starting a new life, a better life, a more self respecting, more fulfilled, wonderful life... you can do it!!! He is no longer worthy of the honor of your personal energy.. take it back for yourself, right now.

[needingadvice]

Blender thank you so much for taking the time to write that - you write so eloqently. What you have said has made me realise that it is no good TELLING him "this is the last time you'll hear from me", "goodbye", "i'll never contact you again", as I have said this in the past to him then let him back in my life - he knows this. What I need to do I have learned from your post is SHOW him I mean it by remaining silent and not respondin to any communication from him however hard and tempting this is. I've been reading through previous posts and one by 'Doyle' detailed exactly the journey he went on from finding NC incredibly tough to growing in strength and healing himself. I hope that although I feel at this minute I cant see me getting to that place and he's been in my life (turbulently) for it seems so long, I hope one day I will get there and I know to do that it starts with me being strong today - no mores "one last message" to try and make him suddenly realise what he has lost. it just hurts so much when it all of a sudden comes over me and i imagine him sitting in watching a movie with his new girlfriend, whilst im really struggling to cope. at the minute finding this site is my saving grace and the support peope are willing to offer total strangers is fantastic.

 

thank you Blender x

[blender]

You only have to do this no contact thing, one day at a time, so for TODAY, you will have no contact, no texts, no responding, nothing.. no attempts at contact, then when you go to bed, force a fake smile on your face and say out LOUD; "I'm going to get through this, I'm going to learn that I am worthy of a respectful intentional love, and nothing less, and I will no longer go to that dry well for water, I'm going to be okay, even better than ever before"

 

Try not to look so far into the future, just one day at a time, feeling empowered by your sense of "self control".. that is the ONLY power we really have in life, we can not "convince" someone else to "love us"..YUK, let him live with himself... the girl he is with now, well eventually that "newness" will wear off as well, and he will be sending her "mixed signals" and she will be crying, poor thing, he's just a big baby who doesn't have the guts or courage or class to even "let go with certainty and respect"... he's going nowhere, but YOU are starting a new life, right now, today, one day at a time... let go of thoughts of "what if's" with HIM and start hanging onto the "going to be's" for YOURSELF.. YOU are "going to be" wonderful, happy, relieved, and empowered.. and loved... by a wonderful mature, honest, classy guy, because that is the woman you are becoming by letting go of this idiot..

[needingadvice]

you have just given me the strength to get through this evening, then tomorrow is a new day and I'll start again being strong for tomorrow - 1 day at a time. Although i wish him no harm or malice i do know that i cant see him ever being happy, for the time being at least - he doesnt know what he wants and i need to have the self-respect to walk away and think "I dont want someone like that, i deserve much more"

[blender]

Yes, good girl, you are gaining some momentum, and it's very healthy and normal that for right now you realize that you can not "handle" seeing him "happy", that's okay, that's part of the healing process, it's all about focusing on YOURSELF now, instead of HIM.

 

And there is one thing you know for sure, and that is, that reaching out to him, having contact with him, is a "bad unhealthy HABIT" so sure it's going to be a tough one to break, but YOU KNOW it's NOT GOOD FOR YOU... it doesn't work, it doesn't make you feel good afterwards, it's just a 'panic reaction" to your "desperate feelings in a moment".. so instead of re-acting as you usually have to those "desperate irrational feelings" well, now just feel them, breathe, let the moment go by, and keep saying to yourself, "this is just a "feeling" it will pass, and I need to hang on to my self respect, and to remember that HE is not "emotionally ready or mature enough" to give ME anything worthwhile, so why oh why would I repeat MY habit of contacting him.. it DOES NOT WORK..

 

One day at a time.. let go.. let him live with "himself" no more "ego boosts" from you to him.. no more, don't give him that energy.... he's going NO WHERE... trust this, he's not a "classy, mature guy".. he just isn't, any guy who would send those "mixed signal texts" is just a big baby who does not understand emotional responsiblity, not for you, not for himself, not for anyone, so do NOT take it personally, (even if you trick yourself into believing YOU are the cause of all this, that is NOT true, he is responsible for himself and his choices and actions.) so just take it for what it is, HIS PROBLEM and it's no longer going to be yours, you letting go of this "bad habit" one day at a time.. you will feel better, but don't forget to anticipate those "desperate moments".. jsut "feel" them, do NOT re-act to them... this is a NEW MORE POWERFUL YOU. One day at a time....just for today.. feel good, feel proud, breathe... and be grateful that you are trying to "turn the corner" of maturity, class, self respect.

[lizziebee]

Hello again. Read your afternoon thoughts. I have been there in that arena of the brain wondering 'does he watch the same movies with her'? 'does he do....with her' All of it...And you know what? Probably not. Men and women in a relationship especially a new one have to find the right rhythm in how they talk, touch, wake up, go to bed, talk on the phone....So while I am telling you all of this, please remember....You were ONE woman who loved him, he loved you, now it is over. I can tell by your posts that you know you can never go back. And why would you want to? Did you not say that he played games with you? Holy cow! His emails were written by a 15 y/o boy looking for attention...I want you/I don't want you..and I want you to know it! Is he bipolar? Sorry about that but I had read someone elses thread last year about this 'disease'...Take care of you. Go paint, take some photos, call some REAL friends, family, hug your dog/cat....Cuz Honey you don't want him, you aint gettin him, and he aint gettin TO you. Take care....OF YOU!

[needingadvice]

thanks both Blender and Lizziebee your posts are really giving me strength.

 

Lizziebee - it's funny you should mention bipolar. Last year i even suggested to him i thought this maybe the case and i did alot of reading up on the subject. he admitted it sounded a possibility and said he would go back and speak to his doctor, however the year before he had been diagnosed with depression and had not found his doctor very supportive - the upshot was he never went back. his mum also had questioned the possibility of this as his dad had left her on their 25th anniversary after a couple of years behaviour that would suggest bipolarity (never diagnosed again) and his dad before him had left his wife citing severe depression. so yes, it is a question thats been playing on my mind for a long time. i dont know whether this will make any sense but another reason i feel ive found it hard to let go is because i guess i feel ive wanted to 'help' him and always believed with my support he could 'change' and be 'better/weller'. i think that has kept me going for so long and we went through so much (rather HE put ME through so much) that it's not easy to accept now whilst i finally feel like its all caught up with me and im feeling very low - he is in a new relationship! that hurts aswell. i felt stron when i went to sllep last night an i have woken up today feeling empty, unwell with it all and like i just want to reach out to him. it makes me so angry i know it is wrong i know he is not right for me, i gave him so many chances he chose not to take...but it hurts so bad. i know it's wishing your life away but if i had the choice to go to sleep and wake up in a few months when all this pain is a lot less -right now id take it. i deleted his last email sent a few days ago as i kept looking at it. id told hi i was going away for a few days in an attempt to put some space there and he replied with "where you going, how long for, when?". it was really hard to not reply when i had a chance there to keep contact going, but i have to have faith in what everybody sayd here about NC, but it's not easy. I knw ive laid my heart on the line to him even just a few weeks ago, but whilst he has someone else at the minute i guess its easy for him to be 'indecisive' at the minute. he has something 'new' but it's nice for him to know im holding on or so he probably thinks. i dont want him to think of me as weak. we've spilt before as you probably guessed and ive gone straight into NC and not found it nearly as hard as now. this time i feel so low as i write this and wonder how im going to get through this to be truthful ...just having a low patch and i guess i can only let it ot on here

[blender]

Well you're really in the "emotional thick" of all this, so please remember to breathe, relax, give yourself a break, and start taking care of YOU.

 

It's important to remember your "feelings" are very different then the "facts" and right now the "clarity" is a bit blurred, and it can lead to you emotionally fooling yourself and feeling more depressed, so be careful with where you let your mind wander..

 

It does NOT matter what HE thinks of you, unfortunately he's already revealed that he is "emotionally unstable" and you are NOT his therapist, and it's not a healthy or long lasting thing to "become his therapist type girlfriend".. that never leads to anything realistic or emotionally healthy in the long run, (so many of us women make this mistake, we try to rescue him from himself, IMPOSSIBLE) and in attempting to do so you run the very big chance of losing something way more valuable then this unhealthy unstable relationship and that is "losing your sense of self".

 

For today, consider yourself "blessed" and "free" and now through the opportunity that only heartache can give us, you can grow, and realize that YOU are worthy of an emotionally healthy, balanced, non-drama, respectful, mature, loving, loyal, intentional effort from a wonderful man.

 

It's okay to mourn the loss of what you "hoped and dreamed his potential to be".. but now make the wise realistic choice to be in "acceptance" of who he has revealed himself to "actually be"... and that will be less of a mourning period.

 

The good news is all the "hopes, dreams and potential" you so willingly attached to "HIM"???, well those are really YOURS!

 

YOU get to take those qualities with you when you go and do "no contact".

 

Then through all your tears, through all the grief, you realize he really doesn't have these qualities, he might have the potential of these qualities, but if you think about it, you really are the one who "attached these hopes to him" whether they were really an authentic part of his character life history or not...

 

The real, authentic thing to do, is to for you to re-attach these wonderful qualities of "hopes, dreams, potential" that you were so quick to "attach to him" and you give them back to YOURSELF, (after all they are YOURS, always have been) and this will not only empower you, it will make you oh so attractive to the "right, emotionally healthy, mature, wonderful, sexy, kind, and respectful man.

 

Stick with no contact, one day at a time. When it comes to a break up, even if we "feel" we have lost SO much, it's in acceptance that we realize what we "wanted" at the time was not what we "needed" in the long run...I believe FATE has a way of doing what is "right" for us, when we are not willing to do for ourselves.. and sometimes that comes in the form of heartache/breakup... YOU will be okay, even better.. this was an emotional bridge put in your life for a reason, you've crossed it, so keep going...

[needingadvice]

thanks Blender. im having a real tough time at the minute i just feel i cant cope any longer, i try to go out and forget for a while but my mind buzzes with him all the time it seems to be constant. sometimes i feel real anger at how he's treated me over the last few years and that he's the one thats moved on. he has a massive friends circle and is always out and about and i feel like why am i suffering when all i did was love and support him. i know it sounds like i feel sorry for myself and i probably do but i just dont feel i can cope i feel so low and dont know when it wil get better. at other times the anger fades and i just feel like i miss him intensely and that i want to be with him - and thats when i almost hate myself as i dont know why i miss him when i know he is wrong for me and i feel he has been playing a game with me. i blocked his personal email then he sent one from a work address yesterday in response to when i asked him the other week if we could try again. it said "you didnt give me this option til a few weeks ago before you just verbally attacked me now you give this option. it's hard it really is but you know its too late too. take care always". it feels like this only gets harder