My heart still burns so brightly for her

[lifestream]

Well guys, I'm not going to lie, this is a long read, but you may find it interesting.

 

 

The year was 2003. I failed math in grade 10, I had low self-esteem and I disliked my life. I had to re-take the course in grade 11, and that is where I met my first and still only love. I had always been a generally intelligent person but I, for some reason, could not bring myself to care about my life. She gave me hope, she taught me to believe in myself, she taught me that life is worth fighting for and that there are important people who genuinely care.

 

In the winter of 2003/04 I began to miss her and I knew this was the first (and still only time) that I genuinely wanted to be all that I could for another human being. Before I could say anything, she told me she was dating someone else, but I could tell she still had a spark for me, and it was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. She broke up with her bf during the march break of 2004 (later I found out, it was to be with me) but I was unsure at this point. I was hurt that she dated someone else. She spent her summer in europe and I missed her greatly, I knew I wanted to be with her.

 

We started dating in November 2004 but I knew she loved me before we made it official.

We loved each other completely, and selflessly. We almost always considered the other person's feelings first before making a decision, loving each other selflessly, maintaing excellent communication. We had debates but we never fought. It seemed like a match made in heaven. She was all I could ever ask for in a lover and a best friend. I'm a romantic and loved making her feel happy and as special as I possibly could. It was not just what she gave me that made me happy, but the fact that what I gave her made her happy in return. (Just for the record we decided not to have sex because I felt we were too young to understand what it really meant.) I was passing my classes with flying colors (finished Gr12 with 85%) and everything was marvellous. However, she began to worry about our relationship. She worried that I wouldn't have time for her and that I would find someone else. I became afraid and trapped. We were both under stress. I was leaving for university in the fall but she was a year younger than myself, and a friendship I had with another friend was beginning to fall apart and that took a heavy toll on my mind. I told her that she was the one, I would never find someone else, and I knew I wouldn't. I kept reminding her that this is life, and things change, and we'll never have the time like we used to, no one does. I mentioned work and school and that people still manage to have fulfilling, loving relationships. But she still worried, and it made me upset. I stopped thinking clearly. I told her if she let me have space I wouldn't leave her, that she didn't have to worry. I asked for a break but she said no. I knew I needed this break though. I decided to have NC for a couple of weeks because I needed some time and space, but I didn't tell her...

 

We both mutually broke up later in the summer. I felt it wasn't fair to her to keep her like this, even though I was still working out my feelings.

 

In the beginning of my relationship, I remember my mother speaking to me about the subject. And although I didnt understand it then, she said "I wish you two met each other later in your lives." I just laughed about it at the time, thinking she was crazy. I'm convinced now that the uncertainty of youth and inexperience in relationships ultimately led to our downfall.

 

After the summer I felt I wanted to move on, and for a while I did. But there were many reminders of her, even though we didn't speak much. I decided to break the silence in late 2005 or early 2006 as I missed her, and we went out to dinner to speak about the breakup. It was awkward at first, but we both understood why things happened the way they did. I felt like I wasn't completely healed emotionally yet, but on the bus ride home I felt I still had feelings for her. I wanted to kiss her, but I thought it would be irresponsible of me and might be only "rebound" syndrome.

 

I had the chance to date several girls in my first year who seemed just as smart, pretty etc etc. as my ex, but even though they showed interest in me, I had 0 interest to persue. I did also go out on a few dates, and though some of the girls were nice and interesting, I couldn't feel anything. My heart felt frozen to all but my ex. To me this was a sign that I still felt something for her.

 

We spoke off and on through spring-fall 2006 on msn, but didn't really make an attempt at meeting again. I asked to do things a few times, but they were very last minute (calling her the day of) and she couldn't make it.

 

She enrolled in the same university this fall, and happens to be affiliated with my college (and even the general course. I'm taking political science, she's taking public policy and governance.) This fall I spoke with her on the bus a couple times and things felt like they always had. We laughed and spoke about school, movies etc. and I still felt a flame for her.

 

But this was the beginning of mid-terms and I became swamped with school and work from about the 10th of October til just before Christmas. I'm also running a student club at the university. We haven't spoken much since, and I couldn't do much in terms of figuring out how I should speak to her about us, and she's rarely on msn these days (although she accepted my request as a friend on facebook) in mid-november.

 

In late november I found out she was dating another guy. I felt devastated and heartbroken. I tried NC again but she's on my campus, and I see her frequently. We also take the same buses to and from campus. I tried forgetting about her, but it wasn't possible.

 

A relative this Christmas asked about her out of the blue, and I spilled my guts. She's a kind lady, who met her boyfriend and husband in 1941 just before he was sent to fight in the pacific in WWII. She knows how difficult relationships can be. She said "It's never too late to act upon your feelings. Part of the reason you haven't spoken to her about this is because you're insecure about your pride, whether she will say yes or no, and now you're caught in a dilemma. You still genuinely care about her and you don't want to think back to yourself once you have absolutely no chance of speaking (distance, death, commitments etc) and wonder 'what if'. You'll feel better for speaking with her, whether this works out for you or not."

 

So with renewed vigor, I decided to grow some balls and just call her. Her mom answered the phone and actually sounded happy that I phoned, which I thought was a pleasant surprise! We spoke briefly, and I had her laughing within the first 20 seconds, but I decided to cut to the chase. I asked if she would be interested in grabbing a cup of coffee and catch up with each other, as it's been too long. She said sure, and said we could meet up on campus and I could call her whenever I was free. She didn't sound thrilled, but she didn't sound annoyed either.

 

 

So here I am now. I don't want to think too far ahead. I'm going to call her when we get back on campus and set something up. But I'm going to avoid the heavy question, as I don't think it's a wise idea to bring it up right away. The best I can do is laugh and be happy. I'm not going to go in as a martyr or a victim and I'm not going to force that kind of conversation or have any expectations.

 

Does anyone have any comments or suggestions? I'd like to hear from you guys.

 

 

[J6hn]

Discover the nature of her current relationship.

If there's still a flame you feel for her, use it to rekindle a beautiful relationship AS FRIENDS.

That's all you can truly hope for without hurting anyone, and trust me, knowing she's there for you will make you a happier person.

Learn to accept the fact that she makes her own choices that wont necesarily go along with your desires, but respect them when she makes them.

It's the most loving thing you can do at this point.

[CluelessGuy321]

omg good luck man.

[lifestream]

Discover the nature of her current relationship.

If there's still a flame you feel for her, use it to rekindle a beautiful relationship AS FRIENDS.

That's all you can truly hope for without hurting anyone, and trust me, knowing she's there for you will make you a happier person.

Learn to accept the fact that she makes her own choices that wont necesarily go along with your desires, but respect them when she makes them.

It's the most loving thing you can do at this point.

 

I do like this advice. I do care about her, and of course a relationship is about equality and mutuality. If she's happy with the guy she has now, it's definitely not my place to pry that apart, as that would be a very selfish thing to do.

 

However, I do want to keep in contact with her. If we have a good time together and enjoy each other's company when we catch up, how should I go about telling her that? Or asking to hang out again?

[lifestream]

I saw her again today at the bus stop...I was singing but she didn't seem to notice, she was looking in the distance, thinking about something.

 

I decided to say hi and be happy. I was a little nervous but I tried to remain happy and confident. The conversation strayed slightly and she spoke about her grades. She said she was doing well but struggling with economics (I knew she would, I struggled with it in Gr12). And about about 10 minutes into the conversation she admitted that she's not enjoying first year as much as she hoped.

I was really taken aback by this. I told her there must have been some good things in first year, but she didn't seem her usual self. I think she's very worried about her grades. I also wondered why her bf hasn't helped her more?? I asked if she still wanted to hang out, and she said yes, and to call her.

 

I want to do something. It seems now that my wanting to be with her again is selfish and pales in comparison. I want her to do well. That's what I want. Everything else comes after... I sent her an e-mail afterwards, and I told her some of the options she had regarding her grade, and I feel she needs confidence. I told her she has to combat anxiety, it's the only way to survive. That she can't look so far in the future, that she has to do as much as she can right now. I told her that in any road she chooses, that I believe in her.

 

...Yeah...

 

(and for some reason her little sister added me to facebook lol)

[lifestream]

Any advice guys?

 

Her birthday is coming up, and I'm going to call her tomorrow. We're either going to meet up tomorrow or tuesday...I bought her a little beanie baby thing for her birthday. I'm going to make sure she has a good time and then as we talk about us, I'm going to tell her that I miss her (in Croatian and not to become a stranger.

 

Am I coming off too strong?

[lifestream]

Well guys, I'm not getting many responses but I feel it's important to write down what happened.

 

I called my ex on monday, talked a bit. Her birthday is today. I sent her a text earlier but she didn't reply, but that doesn't matter, I refuse to read into it as it will cause anxiety and I could possibly overreact (anyone who has read the history of the first world war will understand...)

 

Anyway, we chatted and asked when we could get together. She seemed indecisive when I asked about tuesday or wednesday (she used to be somewhat indecisive when we were dating). So I said she sounded reluctant to hang out. She said that wasn't it and asked how my friday was. I agreed to that, we kept talking and it was fun. She told me she didnt have caller ID so to not think she was being mean if I called. I understood this, as I don't have caller ID either on my cell.

 

So we continued to talk and it was fun. I told her friday was too long a wait to wish her happy birthday so I said I wished her an early happy birthday. She then said "You know...you could always call me tomorrow and wish me a happy birthday..." I told her elephants like me never forget (I bought her that plushie elephant, so it'll be a joke when I give it to her)

 

I called her today. I pulled a Marilyn Monroe to JFK haha. She laughed, she sounded happy and surprised that I called. We had a good conversation, her mom said hi and asked how I was doing.

 

Afterwards I told her to call me on friday and told her to have fun on her birthday.

 

So there you go guys. Hopefully someone will reply...lol

[SuperDave71]

Good luck to ya!!

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[lifestream]

Good luck to ya!!

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

Thanks man. But I guess no amount of advice could really work in this situation. I have to stay true to myself and her, be honest and leave the rest to god (or fate, or time) I suppose.