Has too much damage been done to mend the fences? Advice please!

[TeachIt]

I'm new to the forum world so I apologize in advance if I don't have the lingo down, but please, I need some help.

 

This is a rollercoaster of events but I'll try to summarize them quickly. Almost four years ago I met my girlfriend at college. After almost three years of being single I knew she was special...we fell madly in love and things couldn't have been better for almost two years. Then in November of 2004, I started to have doubts. I was being tempted by the world of being single again, despite her undying devotion to me and the love she had for me. I told her about my doubts and it crushed her. We decided to take a break from each other for a while, and NC was virtually unavoidable since we shared the same group of friends and lived right next door to each other. She was polite and respected my wishes, but you could tell it was killing her inside. It killed me inside too and I quickly realized I was stupid to let go of someone who I had no trouble loving.

 

We talked and laid out what we needed from each other, and I honestly admitted that I had all that I ever wanted, or needed, in her. Things were great again. We had minor disgareements along the way, and she was hurt or I was hurt, but somehow we always managed to mend what had happened and we made up. Then I lost a family member. She was so supportive, loving, and there for me through thick and thin. It only affirmed how lucky I was to have someone like her in my life.

 

We graduated, and moved back to our respective locations. The 250 mile distance had been tough in past summers together, but the summer of 2005 was tougher. I was angry about losing my family member and about my uncertainties about "what to do after college". She was also upset about not being sure which career path to take. We would both take our anger out on each other. Then in September 2005 I blew up at her. We had both been drinking, which didn't help the situation. We both said some really hurtful things, but more so me than her.

 

We decided another break was in order. Three months of NC. It was utter hell.

 

She called on Christmas Day 2005. What a conversation - two hours! Our hearts warmed to each other and it was like I felt the moment I met her. She would later admit she felt the same way. On Valentine's Day 2006, three years to the day after deciding to be a couple, we discussed getting back together. Then major issues started to pile up - (1) distance, neither of us were really certain where we wanted to move (she with me or I with her), (2) with my roller coaster personality, she was concerned that there would be the possibility of me leaving her someday (I assured her it wouldn't, and really, it wouldn't), and (3) the differences in our personality - she is very outgoing and energetic while I am fairly shy and moody. After that conversation she admitted doubts about whether it would work in the future, and she needed some time to sort out her thoughts.

 

From then until about a week ago, it had been a stalemate. Spending great weekends together here and there, laughing, feeling like we did when we were first together. But in the meantime everytime I brought up "us" - she still wasn't sure, there were too many doubts, and she needed to think things through, despite my professing to move. I think she was genuinely confused and didn't know. In retropsect, I'm not sure if I really gave her the space that she asked for, because everytime we got together to do something it would be a get together that I inititated. She would show moments of love and I could tell she was happy with me, but then there would be days that would go by without a word from her, and I would justify it by her needing space.

 

After long enough I gave up and said internally that she needed to initiate some things. I asked her what she was doing New Year's Eve. She had made plans with her girlfriends. A day later, I called and told her I couldn't do this anymore and I wouldn't be put on a waiting list. I told her how much it hurt me to always be her second option. She agreed that she didn't want to lead me on, and although she still loved me and always hoped (and still hopes) that things would work out between us, she felt guilty about her inability to make a decision on "us" and she needed to work out her doubts on her own. Although we both regrettably and silently admitted it, it was "over".

 

I sobbed for two days. The third night I called her and muttered the traditional "why don't you love me?" and "anything is better than this". I feel paralyzed. After thinking about my my break down to her, I drove the 250 miles in an effort to catch her before leaving for New Year's Eve. I was too late. It was the longest drive home ever.

 

After everything we've been through, can the fences still be mended? I understand (only after reading these forums) that my assertiveness last night may not have been the best thing to do...but given our situation, does anyone out there think that time and patience can heal what's happened to the girl whom I want to be with?

 

Advice, please. Sorry for the length.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

Welcome to eNotAlone. And I am sorry these circumstances brought you here.

 

Well, there is not much you can do at this point except respect her space and wishes. Anymore attempts to make contact with her or be with her will push her further away. I am sure the pain and distance is unbearable at this time. And I am so sorry for that. In the meantime, I recommend you try to stay busy and hang out with your friends and family.

 

Hang in there and don't be a stanger.

[Cindersam]

You didn't say how she replied to your "breakdown".

 

We all do things that we regret later. One "breakdown" is not going to change how she is feeling towards you. But if you continue to have these "breakdowns" it will probably push her away permanently. If that is not what you want then you need to give her the space she needs and initiate NC.

 

She has mentioned repeatedly that she has "doubts". Giving her time with NC will help her think about the situation and figure out what she really wants. It could go either way so you need to be prepared for that. But if you keep contacting her and being overly emotional then it will probably push her in the direction you don't want her to go. Your best chance is NC and give her the time and space she needs.

 

I know it's not easy. I made it through 8 weeks of NC before I contacted my ex. We are meeting next week to talk so I can't tell you yet if NC helped his feelings or not but I can tell you that I am A LOT better off than I was 8 weeks ago. Even though I didn't realize it at the time, I think I needed some alone time to think about things also even though he was the one who initiated it. This could be a positive time for both of you. Don't contact her. Give her the time she needs and you will both come out if it with more clarity about the relationship.

[TeachIt]

Thank you Cindersam and KellBell for your responses. I have really appreciated your willingness to read about my situation and tell me your thoughts.

 

After I joined this site, I started to relax a little bit more instead of looking at the ceiling all the time. However, I broke the NC...but wait, wait! After reading everyone's threads it seemed like there were some people who could identify WHY they parted ways, and some who couldn't. I wanted to better understand what went wrong, so I went through "the box" of cards, letters, emails that I'd saved from her, trying to look at things from both my perspective as well as hers and try to figure out why she still had so many doubts. I can't tell you how much it helped.

 

I sent her an long email, calling her prior to (Cindersam...she responded VERY well to the breakdowns, understanding, caring, to the point of tears and that she still wasn't sure after she'd learned I traveled down on New Years). When I called, I explained that I was now approaching this with a level head, and examining things from how she has expressed to me she feels as well as how I feel.

 

In short, I told her I was willing to respect and ENCOURAGE her needed space, because, deep down inside, I loved her and wanted what was best for her. I explained also that this is needed for me, too. Looking through the "box" - my God, how I had changed in almost four years! I had gone from an easy going, understanding, devoted guy who loved his girlfriend wholeheartedly to someone who was rigid, close minded, and searching only for my needs. No wonder she was never sure that our "differences" would work!

 

She politely, and respectfully, has responded to each call and email I've brought her way. I am still waiting on her response to the long email. Regardless of how I act, I think, she would never push me away, solely because she has verbalized and more importantly, SHOWN me the love she has for me. We both care about each other that much.

 

Time can be both your ally and your worst enemy at the same time if you want that someone back so badly! I felt that toughness tonight on the basketball court (something that in the past I have ALWAYS been able to focus on) as tonight, I couldn't do it. All I thought about was her.

 

Anyway, a related question (in terms of our specific relationship) and unrelated question (in terms of the immediate situation) at the same time.

 

How has distance influenced other people's relationships out there? In my personal situaiton, I feel that distance (250 miles) has harmed us to really maintain our relationship to where it was when we first met. I have verbally expressed my willingness to move to her location, but she feels guilty in asking me to do it because of the closeness I have with family and friends here. Do I need to SHOW her that I can do it and then cultivate the relationship? Or...does the relationship need to be built back up before the decision is made to move?

 

I know I'm SEVERAL steps ahead of myself on the distance thing, but just curious.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

Maybe she is afraid by you moving closer to her is for her. And if things get hard, perhaps she fears you will resent her for it down the line. Ultimately, you have to make decision to move closer to her for you and not only her. In case things do not work out, you will still feel good about the decision about the move because it was a choice you made for yourself.