He's attracted to other women

[calmingwind]

When my love interest and I met over 2 years ago, he had just learned that he had cancer. Though we had just met, he asked me to move to be with him. Knowing that this was a panic reaction to his news, I gently told him that I would always be there for him and support him through rough times- which I was . I wanted him to chose me in his strength not his weakest hour- plus a red flag of unhealthy attachment arose at this initial request.

I offered my support through his year of chemo and radiation therapy, flying to accompany him to office visits, etc. We spoke nearly everyday by phone, emails and he always initiated the contact. I grew to be in love with him after a year and a half of my flying there and him flying here to the east to see each other. We have had an intimate relationship through this uncertain time. We always enjoy our time together.

 

Needless to say, he has undergone much transformation- changed his career, moved even farther away to teach college- something he has always wanted to do and something I encouraged him to do. He will eventually go back to school to become either a research scientist in cancer research or a doctor, which I also support.

 

He has recently expressed that he desires a companion- one to be with him.

I asked him why don't you ask me to move to be near you or with you? He replied that he had thought about it . I wanted a committed relationship. He said that he would return home for Christmas to ask his mother because it was such an important question. They are Asian and evidently, this is a family custom. He said he would make a final decision regardless of his mother's input. His past experience is a postponed engagement to his fiancee-he wanted to wait longer to marry . She ultimately married another, had a child less than a year after he broke off their engagement. So, he has a pattern of fear of committment established. I am the first person with whom he has had sex.

 

Before he left, he told me that he is attracted to other women- that he was attracted to his real estate agent (he's looking to buy a home in his new state) and that he is also attracted to a married faculty member on campus.

 

He wanted to have a "platonic relationship" with me , that he loves me, but is afraid of committing. Of course, I was crushed- I told him I felt as if an elephant was tramping on my chest. He sent me a Christmas package , which I couldnt bear to open, but listened to the music he recorded. He does love me.

 

My response was that I didnt own him and he didnt own me. If he thought we should see other people, he was probably right. I would be patient, sex is sex- I love you. I may not be available should he decide in our favor.

 

I very much love this man and want to be his partner. What is your advice???:splat:

[agualibre777]

Well thats a really intense story. No doubt if you are the first one he had sex with he is likely going to be curious about other women. But at the same time if he really valued you, he should see that you are more valuable than some other trists.

 

I really think you should go no-contact. You obviously really care for him and he is non-committal and interested in seeing others. Of course he loves you, but if you let him hurt you this way he is going to take it for granted. I think he should feel what it is like to not have you in his life and maybe he will come around...

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone.

 

Ouch, so you help nurse this man back to health, you help him get strong, and he decides to leave you to see "what else is out there." nice. well, there you go.

 

He wanted to have a "platonic relationship" with me , that he loves me, but is afraid of committing. Of course, I was crushed- I told him I felt as if an elephant was tramping on my chest. He sent me a Christmas package , which I couldnt bear to open, but listened to the music he recorded. He does love me.

 

He has recently expressed that he desires a companion- one to be with him.

 

I don't know if he is afraid of committment, so much as he hasn't met the woman he wants to commit to. Let me assure you that every person who says they are "afraid of committing" does eventually commit. Just not to you. I know a man who broke up with my friend because he was "afraid of committment" and 6 months later, he was married to the type of woman he always said he hated. I think you were right in not moving too fast, when you said you wanted his choice to come when he was strong, not weak. Well, now he is healthy again, but it doesn't sound like he is choosing you.

 

I know it is hard, but I think you should walk away. It doesn't sound like he is treating you like you are "the one." Plus, if you walk away, he may realize what he lost. I don't think that fighting for this man is worth it.

 

good luck

[meantime]

Be sad and mourn your loss but be thankful he has been honest with you. If you read what you wrote again, all of your answers are in your post. He does not want an intimate relationship with you, at all...sorry. If he did the last thing he would be telling you is about the other women who have caught his attention. Sorry, I know how painful it can be, truly.

[calmingwind]

I appreciate his honesty, but not his maturity or lack thereof.

He has told me that I am that and more than what he wants in a partner.

Much of this is based upon his desire for sex.

I won't be contacting him.

[meantime]

Not contacting him is the absolute best thing you can do for yourself. You were so good to him, I think in time he will realize what he has lost.

[calmingwind]

I have told him that I wont be disrespected.

What I will accept from him in communication is a response of committment.

I wont see him if he is seeing others, but he wants to continue to see me platonically.

 

He's very difficult, charming, intelligent AND unavailable.

[calmingwind]

thank you ...

walking away- he knows that i may not be here for him when i have always been there for him

[calmingwind]

i guess he's accustomed to my kindness and wont respond unless he is treated with disregard....

that is not whom I am or how I relate to people though- it isnt my nature

[meantime]

The charming ones will get you everytime, until you learn. It took me forever to do exactly what you are doing right now. I was not respecting myself but have learned from it. Good for you for having such a healthy respect for yourself. Clearly you don't want what he wants which is nothing more than a friendship. My ex wanted a friendship and for a while I was willing. I thought I can accept this and just be there for him and he for me should we need each other. It never works when one wants something else. Hang in there it is bound to get even more difficult but what you are doing is solid and healthy. You are not accepting less than what you want.

[calmingwind]

The charming ones will get you everytime, until you learn. It took me forever to do exactly what you are doing right now. I was not respecting myself but have learned from it. Good for you for having such a healthy respect for yourself. Clearly you don't want what he wants which is nothing more than a friendship. My ex wanted a friendship and for a while I was willing. I thought I can accept this and just be there for him and he for me should we need each other. It never works when one wants something else. Hang in there it is bound to get even more difficult but what you are doing is solid and healthy. You are not accepting less than what you want.

 

Thank you for these words...It isnt easy of course...

He tells me that when he speaks to another person he feels like he is betraying me.

I do feel betrayed.

[meantime]

That is the thing with the charming ones...they want their cake and they want to eat it too... they can make you feel as though you are still the most important one in their lives...this is what keeps 'us' hanging on. When he says things like that, that he feels he is betraying you...how does that make you feel? Like he still loves you? Like he will be coming back? What he is doing is stringing you along. He wants to make sure he keeps you in place should his other interests not work out. Don't be there for him. I have done that and there is a word for it...a doormat. It feels so good to hear them say things that make us feel we are so important to them but words are worthless, what are his actions? That is the reality, the actions.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I wonder if he is those self-described "nice men". I love it when men describe themselves as nice and how they are so hard done by women...yet when a nice woman comes along who is kind and caring, they shove them aside and then complain when they can't find a nice woman who appreciates them!

 

I am so sorry you are hurting. It sounds to me that he wants to have sex with other women and is just not looking to settle down at the moment. I can imagine dealing with cancer has made him think about life and perhaps he feels he should explore possibilities with other women. What a shame that he can't see what is really important in life, someone who sticks by you through thick and thin. Maybe he will have to learn the hard way. Good for you for backing out of his life. If he is too immature to realize what is important then you are better off without him (no matter how painful). I too have had to walk out of someone's life because he was disrespecting me. Although I know he loves me, he is too troubled and immature to deal with it. For my own self-respect I had to walk out of his life.

[calmingwind]

I guess he feels that he has "unfinished business" in the world of dating.

He has admitted to being emotionally immature and by his statement- I am afraid of commitment. I wanted a monogamous relationship.

[calmingwind]

That is the thing with the charming ones...they want their cake and they want to eat it too... they can make you feel as though you are still the most important one in their lives...this is what keeps 'us' hanging on. When he says things like that, that he feels he is betraying you...how does that make you feel? Like he still loves you? Like he will be coming back? What he is doing is stringing you along. He wants to make sure he keeps you in place should his other interests not work out. Don't be there for him. I have done that and there is a word for it...a doormat. It feels so good to hear them say things that make us feel we are so important to them but words are worthless, what are his actions? That is the reality, the actions.

 

I told him that he has put me in an impossible situation- that if I continued to interact with him, it would appear that I did not respect myself. He told me that in no way would he disrespect me.

I agree- actions speak louder than words.

[calmingwind]

Well thats a really intense story. No doubt if you are the first one he had sex with he is likely going to be curious about other women. But at the same time if he really valued you, he should see that you are more valuable than some other trists.

 

I really think you should go no-contact. You obviously really care for him and he is non-committal and interested in seeing others. Of course he loves you, but if you let him hurt you this way he is going to take it for granted. I think he should feel what it is like to not have you in his life and maybe he will come around...

 

Thank you---I think he has the "need sex" and "what if..." syndrome.

Im backing away

[calmingwind]

Thank you Annie---I don't want to be with someone whom doesn't want to be with me....

[Mrs Elliott Smith]

Well, do you *really* know his true reason for not wanting to commit to you? Perhaps it's not because he is afraid of committment, and instead he is just not really into you enough. Then again, maybe he IS afraid of committment-- you will never know.

 

But I'm also thinking, what if his battle with cancer has made him realize how precious life is, and now that he is (seemingly) doing well, he wants to make the most of his life. Him being unsure of whether he wants to be with, or commit to, you could be a direct result of such a mindset (i.e. wanting to make the most of his life).

 

Either way: I wouldn't hang around, waiting for this man to figure out what he wants. I personally wouldn't be able to deal with the wishy-washiness of the situation, the uncertainty, and I'd feel that I've lowered myself, and lost my integrity, if I sat around and waited for *any* man. But then again, that's just me.

 

Good luck.

[calmingwind]

Interdependent relationships allow for individuality of each person- a time away in growth , a coming together of sharing. I feel he has post cancer treatment depression and have suggested he seek counseling. He has told me that he loves me. I accept everything about him, his family background (which I havent mentioned anything about here- father has a mistress w/a set of children and still married to his mother- he is the youngest of 3 children by this marriage...he feels he cannot put another woman through what his mother endured--so, the committment issue may be a valid one. I can accept he wouldnt be "into me", except for his telling me he loves me and the shared experiences, compatibility, shared values....

I will accept any communication or act of committment, nothing less.

[calmingwind]

Warm milk and laxactives...

 

Flush him away eh?

[xprincessbugx]

yes sir!!!!!!!

[calmingwind]

Help- he is coming to town and says he wants to see me and sincerely hopes I will se him this time.......

[calmingwind]

UPDATE: His Mother does not approve of our age difference- I am 11 years older than he.

This is why he was told to be "attracted to women of childbearing age".

I have a go ahead for pregnancy----and am not even perimenopausal.

 

He said that he is not seeing the real estate agent and that he hasn't made the final decision.

 

](*,)

 

Chinese culture----Should I ask "Since you were honest abt my age w/ your mother, were you equally as honest in telling her that you had cancer? Even though you had cancer I am wanting to have a child w/you... " His father has a mistress and second family . This left his mother in a shameful position..and the children all cater to her so as not to allow her to experience anymore distress in her life......... Though I am understanding I wont actively enable this situation.

[annie24]

excuses excuses excuses. that's all this man has to say. DTMFA (dump the MF already). you deserve better.

[calmingwind]

i do deserve better.........