Letting go

[Biffy]

Hope you all had a great Xmas.

 

Mine was a bit up and down, with thoughts of my ex still plaguing me at times, and I've been in a slump these past couple of days.

 

I hear a lot of you advising people to "let go" of their ex. I really don't know how to do that, I really don't. I've analysed everything a thousand times over about the relationship, seen things I maybe should have handled differently, red flags I ignored during the relationship, realised how selfish and emotionally immature my ex is, learnt my lessons about myself and taken into account how oddly and coldly I've been treated by her in the wake of the break-up. There are countless reasons why I shouldn't want her back but I still find myself wanting her back despite myself.

 

I know none of you can offer any magic pill or solution to make this all go away but was wondering if you can advise me on "how" to let her go.

[rosie76]

Sorry you're still struggling. I'm afraid the only thing that I'm sure worked for me was time, time, and more time.

 

Travel also helped, I think - can you take a short break somewhere exotic and challenging that will help you to remember the other 6 billion people on Earth? Trip to China with insomnia was fantastic this way. Remembering watching people working fields by hand at dawn from an overnight train in Shanxi province is still a comfort. Who are they? What are they thinking about? Which failed romance might they be reeling from? And who knows who I'll meet or where I'll go in the next 50 years? Cheesy, maybe, but it helps me.

 

Good luck, hang in there.

[StephenP59]

Hi there

 

I guess I am in a similar place, the xmas period is really bad - I have been pining over her more in the last 2 weeks than in the last 6 months. Its a temporary thing though and being aware that things get back to normal is comfort enough to see me through. I have been broken up for a year - and the amount I have achieved in that time makes me feel really proud. But I'm still at that last hurdle of getting rid of all hope, time and more time. Maybe we dont truly ever get over someone i am beginning to think this is the case you just adapt to a different kind of reality.

[Straightj06]

I know how you feel Zombiain . I feel excatly the same at this very moment. I dont want to get back with the ex. . . but i find myself thinking "what if" and hope is destroying me.

 

I find keeping myself busy and making changes (new hair cut, decorate, new clothes) helps aswell. Also the natural thing 'time'.

 

Ive been down over the xmas period aswell becuase ive had nothing to do, and ive just been thinking about all the good times with my ex. But hopefully the new year 2007 . . . will be MY year

[EddieRentz]

Zomb

 

I am in the same state of mind as you... almost exactly.

 

I wish I had an answer, but I wil tell you what helps me. Getting really intense about something else.

 

I am not sure what your hobbies and interests are, but I for example, am getting a new apartment in a couple of weeks... so, I have engaged in crazy research about pricing TVs, couches, beds. I could work for Consumer Reports at this point. Point is, something that you can dive into helps those thoughts go away just a little bit everyday.

 

I plan on becoming a gym rat again once I get into my new apartment (gym and pool downstairs) and when my market becomes active again in January, I will dive into making money. I may even take guitar lessons if that isnt enough... Same things everyone else is saying. It doesnt fill every moment, but it is productive.

[Biffy]

Thanks for the replies guys, empathy rules.

 

The worst part of it is that I have to see the ex everyday as I work with her... I avoid her where I can but when I do see her most of the time it rips me up inside.

 

Meh, I'm keeping myself busy though and am generally doing ok and these setbacks like the one I'm suffering these past couple of days are becoming less and less so I know I'm on the mend.

 

Just skip to the end already you know!?

[SuperDave71]

Zombiain,

 

 

Letting Go is a conscious decision. I know its hard my friend. The reasoning is because if you "let go" ...you believe they will keep on going while YOU stand still.

 

NOT TRUE!!!

 

Think of it this way...

 

You have a huge weight or bundle on your back. You carry it everywhere but you refuse to put it down. You are exhausted...worn out..tired...mentally drained because of the physical/mental pain it causes..you can't get the thoughts out of your head because of the load you carry..

 

 

Solution....

 

 

YOU LET IT GO..

 

 

What happens....you are able to regain what you once were. Learn that the bundle was too much to carry at that time. If you ever encounter such a task again, will you have learned from the first one...

 

 

Just a thought my friend..

 

 

BE Strong!!!!!!

 

 

 

SuperDave71

[Biffy]

Thanks as always Dave.

[majord23]

I agree with SD.

The term 'Letting Go' almost implies that it is a passive process (and sometimes it can be), but sometimes we have to act to let go.

 

You have to empower yourself to be free Z. I read another post of yours where you stated that your ex IM'ed you to wish you a Merry Christmas.

There's one step you can take right there mate - block her or delete her. You have then taken an active step to removing the effect she has on your emotions....less of a rollercoaster for you, and also empowering because it is a decision that *you* have made, not her.

 

I know that you work with your ex which can make it excessively difficult, but keep your interactions focussed entirely on work (I'm not sure how much you have to deal with her directly, if at all?).

 

I guess the main point I'm trying to make here is that you have to feel as though you have the power to let go before you can actually do it - and once you start taking active steps to cut her out of your life, you'll soon realise that that power *is* yours.

 

Take control of your emotions out of her hands and back into yours.

[LONESOUL]

Z~Hey Buddy,

You just have to do it. It's hard when you work together, but you just have to be even that much more commitited to doing it. You have walked away from things before~it's not much different, you just walk away and begin to deal with the healing and with yourself. You don't answer when she calls, or emails or sends text....even if she is not listening to you when you request that she stops. You have the ball Z. You can do it, you deserve to be with someone who knows what an awesome guy you really are. (and who loves that leather jacket on ya! Hang in there!

[Biffy]

Major, Lone, Camber - as always you've made me feel better, thanks.

 

It's funny, I've stopped switching on my IM this week, let her calls go to voicemail etc, anything to avoid contact with her and then leaving work this evening... boom, she's right there in reception and stepped into my path to block my exit... so she could chat to me. We exchanged pleasantries and I got out of there in a big, big hurry when she started to whine about how unhappy she's been etc.

 

Usually such an exchange, even that small plays on my mind for hours after the event but tonight I just thought "wow, you look really quite fat" and that's it.

 

I think that's a good sign for my healing, in that I didn't feel much of anything which is a vast improvement to my legs shaking as she walked past me at work during the first couple of weeks.

 

I know I've got a way to go yet but I feel like I'm getting somewhere.

 

Just trying to think positive, put her out of my mind the second she pops in there.

 

Trying to turn the "what if's?" into "what else?"

[SuperDave71]

Zombiain,

 

 

I loved the:

 

Trying to turn the "what if's?" into "what else?"

 

 

I like it alot...

 

 

Keep it up!!!

 

 

 

SuperDave71

[confusedangel]

how can u let go if u still think of them everyday..and even dream about it??

[Biffy]

High praise indeed SD!

 

My ex text me last night telling me how nice it was to see me and that I looked happy. I haven't responded and I'm quite sure y'all will back me on that one. Still managed to pretty much ruin my evening.

 

I haven't received contact from her outside of work since the breakup so it sent my brain into overdrive. But I think it was just drunk-texting to alleviate guilt, i think she'd try a bit harder than that if she had any thoughts of getting back together.

[majord23]

High praise indeed SD!

My ex text me last night telling me how nice it was to see me and that I looked happy. I haven't responded and I'm quite sure y'all will back me on that one. Still managed to pretty much ruin my evening.

 

I'm not sure how this ruined your evening mate (alright, I know exactly how it ruined your evening...but it shouldn't have).

 

- She contacted you outside of work: a change in her behaviour.

- She said that you looked happy: despite how you may feel inside, you are projecting a happy, confident Z.

- You have not replied: you have taken the power back by not pandering to every scrap of contact she throws your way.

 

You shouldn't be feeling bad, you should be feeling proud mate.

Sit back and have a think about it Z.

[mcnani]

i still haven't been able to get my head around what actively letting go means... when you know you dont want someone anymore, you want to move on with your life but you still miss them in your life, even if though it's not romantically.... but i agree with a previous post about letting go not being a passive process, i've just now realized that (cuz it wasnt happening)

 

somehow, though, when i think about letting go it's just not happening...have u gotten a grip on that yet zombiain?

 

how do you know when you've let go? or if you're close?

[Biffy]

I'm not sure how this ruined your evening mate (alright, I know exactly how it ruined your evening...but it shouldn't have).

 

- She contacted you outside of work: a change in her behaviour.

- She said that you looked happy: despite how you may feel inside, you are projecting a happy, confident Z.

- You have not replied: you have taken the power back by not pandering to every scrap of contact she throws your way.

 

You shouldn't be feeling bad, you should be feeling proud mate.

Sit back and have a think about it Z.

 

Seriously Major, I've going to have to shrink you and carry you around in my pocket.

 

I'm doing really quite well, no little slumps into misery again for me although I'm sure they will occur again but for now I'm feeling bulletproof.