It hurts ouch...

[agualibre777]

So, Yeah, I posted a couple of times about this guy I've been dating for the last two and a half weeks. Things went fast. Real intense, both ways, he said maybe the sweetest thing anyone ever said to me, that even if the next day I told him to get lost he felt like I already changed a part of him.

 

He called me every day, sometimes twice. And then when he didn't call on Christmas I got nervous. Didn't call the day after either. That made me more nervous. So when I got home I texted him asking him to let me know if everything was o.k. It was about 7pm. Then, I said, whatev, I'll just call him. No answer. He didn't call me back. I started to wonder if he was all right, knowing he was with family, maybe something didn't go well. Or he got into an accident with the terrible stormy weather. I called him in the middle of the night (knowing he has his phone on vibrate) saying I was real worried, could he call me and let me know he was o.k.

 

I know, maybe I jumped the gun, but it was so unusual, and the last time this happened with a friend of mine, it turned out a friend of hers had died. I mean, everything between us had been real real cool, so I didn't think it should be off for me to call him worried about his safety.

 

At the same time, I thought deeper about my feelings. We aren't exclusive but are sexual. I realized (again, something I talked to him about) that the idea of him hooking up with someone and ignoring my calls made me feel bad. So I sent him an email, saying that I was worried about his safety, but apart from that felt like we shouldn't hang out anymore even as friends. That this whole situation made me feel like crap.

 

Then he called me this morning, not even apologizing for not calling me back or for me worrying, saying he needed to get his luggage ready to go south. which made me realize he was at his house in town, and that he'd told me he was gonna call upon coming back. this seemed off to me, but i didn't say anything. He said he was reading my emails and would call me later.

 

Then he sent me an email in response to mine saying that he disappears when he is uncomfortable and our situation is making him uncomfortable.

 

but the thing is, i understand i called him a lot, cause i was worried about his safety. i don't know why that in particular would make him uncomfortable. so it must have more to do with my exclusivity talk.

 

so i wrote him back an email saying "please don't contact me again. stay safe."

 

i just feel like he wants to connect with me on these really deep levels which we have, but then dropped the ball totally when i felt worried about him and wasn't there for me at all. so i ended it. i realize i acted probably too fast, but i don't want anyone to let me feel that way.

 

sorry for the long post.

[Scout]

Whoamygosh! All right, girl...let's reign it in, before you dig yourself in deeper.

 

Do not send him any more emails or make any more phone calls.

 

If he truly is interested in pursuing something after this unpleasant little exchange, he will make the move, but there is nothing you can say, write, or do to change the course of things at this point. You have already gotten too needy, too intense - too early.

 

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but at this point your dignity and self-respect are of more concern to me than anything developing with this guy. It may or may not happen, but I'd say the chances are pretty slim if he's already avoiding your calls and telling you he feels uncomfortable. And your last email to him pretty much sealed things, I bet.

 

Don't make him feel any more uncomfortable (or yourself, for that matter) by trying to "fix" things with another email or phone call. It won't fix anything.

[Lansing]

hey.... Well.. It sounds like you want to put this past you... but.... sometimes when something is taken away from you (i.e. him not calling you) you start to realize what was given to you (attention) that you liked... And you start to wonder "what happened"... If I were in his situation and a girl called me and e-mailed me multiple times I would think she seemed "clingy"..> Like.. give me a day or two to respond at least.... I think you felt like he was abandoning you by not calling you back right away. I also would feel uncomfortable in that situation (not if you called, texted or e-mailed once... just if you did them multiple times without giving me time to respond).. Christmas time is a busy time for everyone... so, I think you could have given him a bit more slack... I feel like you were trying to protect yourself by breaking up with him. You want to say "don't contact me again" so you don't feel bad if you never hear from him again. Like, you want to feel in control of the situation.... Just for the future, thing is it from the guys perspective also...

[pinkelephant]

I've been in your shoes before. You're probably going to be like me, and not listen to us when we say, please stop calling/contacting him.

 

But incase you are wiser than I was, please listen to these people here. They're wise! and please don't contact him anymore. it could be savable IF and ONLY if you stop contacting him. he might be able to put it pass you.

 

you made yourself look unstable. it scares the guy.

[Scout]

Yes, we've all been in this boat before, I definitely have, so take my advice as it's meant: to spare you from further humilation, which I am all too personally familiar with, when back in my earlier dating days I would set my cap on someone way too fast (and get miffed when they didn't seem to return my feelings the way I wanted them to).

 

And Lansing gave some great feedback on a guy's perspective. Heck, my long-term boyfriend didn't even call me on Thanksgiving when he was out of town with his family. I started to get mad, but luckily had a guy friend "talk me down." And when my boyfriend came back, he was obviously very happy to see me, and had brought back some little mementos for me. I wisely did NOT bring up the lack of a Thanksgiving call.

[amtjrtcet]

And Lansing gave some great feedback on a guy's perspective. Heck, my long-term boyfriend didn't even call me on Thanksgiving when he was out of town with his family. I started to get mad, but luckily had a guy friend "talk me down." And when my boyfriend came back, he was obviously very happy to see me, and had brought back some little mementos for me. I wisely did NOT bring up the lack of a Thanksgiving call.

 

 

Scout: In reference to your post and what your "LONG TERM" b/f did at Thanksgiving.....why is it that they do this? I mean not call and such on important days? It makes you feel like "Am I that easily forgotten?"

For example, my b/f loves me, and I know this, but sometimes I feel like I'm out of sight, completely out of mind. Most women, at least the ones I know don't FORGET to call or let their b/f SLIP their minds.

[Scout]

michelleth, I think your question probably would better be answered from a few guys. And I don't even know if it's necessarily a "guy" thing, I hate to generalize...but it does seem in general I've always been waaaay more into the holidays than my boyfriends. It seems the kind of guys I end up dating always take the position that they don't want to feel they're "forced" to do something or act a certain way just because it's a certain holiday. I dunno what it's all about.

[Batya33]

First, I think your mistake was in assuming that 2.5 weeks is a relationship or establishes some sort of routine or pattern - it is not long enough to establish any of those things. All you know is that for 2.5 weeks he acted a certain way - and you assumed that this reflects his character or that this would somehow predict his future behavior. You chose to have sex early on and get intense without any commitment from him - just pretty words with no actions (yet) to back it up because those types of actions would be relevant only if done consistently over several months, not 2.5 weeks.

 

Second, the problem is that you didn't keep calling because of his safety but because of your neediness and that is why he was reluctant to call you back. Part of the reason might have been his safety, but only part. Did you call the local hospital?

 

I agree that he probably just decided after dating for a very short time that he is not that into you enough to continue. Next time, I would slow things down so that in 2.5 weeks you have spoken maybe 5 times, seen each other 3 times at most and not had sex since you seem to get attached from casual sex. You have the choice to keep things at a reasonable pace - this time you chose not to and you took the risk of a quick burn out.

 

I do think he should have returned your call and my guess is your numerous calls and texts made him uncomfortable.

 

To Scout - I have to disagree about the no call on Thanksgiving. I think in a relationship, if a holiday means something to one person the other person should if possible pick up the phone and make a two minute call. I guess it also depends on your routine. My boyfriend and I speak at least once a day even when he is travelling and he remembers when I have important meetings, plans, family situations and calls to check in and see how things went. I agree that no one should be "forced" to call but it is reasonable to expect especially with cell phones and email that your significant other will at least make a quick call on a day that is important to you. A small matter certainly but just wanted to give my opinion.

[Scout]

Oh, I agree it was less than sensitive on my boyfriend's part not to call me on Thanksgiving, but in the grand scheme of things, he's the best boyfriend I've ever had, shows he cares and loves me on a consistent basis, is very sensitive to my feelings about 99.9999999999% of the time, and in fact, called me a few times while he was gone. Would I have preferred that he also call on Thanksgiving? Yeah. Do I think he doesn't love me and we have a terrible relationship because he didn't? No way.

[Batya33]

Of course, I agree - small matter as I mentioned. One time does not a pattern make. . . .

[amtjrtcet]

Oh, I agree it was less than sensitive on my boyfriend's part not to call me on Thanksgiving, but in the grand scheme of things, he's the best boyfriend I've ever had, shows he cares and loves me on a consistent basis, is very sensitive to my feelings about 99.9999999999% of the time, and in fact, called me a few times while he was gone. Would I have preferred that he also call on Thanksgiving? Yeah. Do I think he doesn't love me and we have a terrible relationship because he didn't? No way.

 

Exactly, see my problem has been that lately I listen to my friends opinions about our relationship and what THEY think should or shouldn't be happening. But like you, regardless of a few instances I know he loves me.

[DN]

It is often an error to listen to friends about your relationship. The problem is that people vent to their friends and tell them what their partners do wrong and how they have upset them etc. This sets up a dislike for the partner by the friends and they become very defensive of your behalf and very biased against him.

 

Plus - they have nothing to lose personally if you lose a good relationship. Ever notice how friends rarely take their own advice when dealing with their own partners?

[annie24]

Then he sent me an email in response to mine saying that he disappears when he is uncomfortable and our situation is making him uncomfortable.

 

but the thing is, i understand i called him a lot, cause i was worried about his safety. i don't know why that in particular would make him uncomfortable. so it must have more to do with my exclusivity talk.

 

so i wrote him back an email saying "please don't contact me again. stay safe."

 

i just feel like he wants to connect with me on these really deep levels which we have, but then dropped the ball totally when i felt worried about him and wasn't there for me at all. so i ended it. i realize i acted probably too fast, but i don't want anyone to let me feel that way.

 

After 2.5 weeks, you just don't know someone very well, or what they are all about. Yours isn't the first instance where this has happened, where things are going at the speed of light, and then all of a sudden, one person jumps back and says, "WHOA!!! What are we doing here?!?!?"

 

I think in the future, take things slower, get to know each other before rushing into anything (physical or emotional). I don't think that it was your exclusivity talk that made him back off, just that everything in general was going so fast, you were talking so much, you both were acting in a level of intimacy that wasn't quite there yet.

 

good luck

[agualibre777]

No really, I WAS worried about his safety... In fact I still have in my google search "accident reports". I was looking for accidents and I was even considering how I would find out if something happened to him given that I didn't know what city he was in.

 

Honestly, if it was neediness, I wouldn't have given in to calling him. I would have resisted, turned my phone off, resisted. But once I started thinking that he or a family member might be hurt, that was when I started getting worried. It didn't make any sense to me that he would be ignoring my call, so my assumption was that he was hurt. I even woke up from a nightmare that he had been shot and cried thinking he was hurt, and how would I possibly find out if that was the case??

 

But I agree, I came accross as needy to him for sure. No doubt he probably felt I was checking up on him. But I really wasn't. If I felt that way, I would have resisted it for sure.

 

I don't feel like what I did changed the situation. I feel like I shouldn't have been in a situation like that for sure. I shouldn't have let myself feel that insecure by being sexual with him even when I knew I would feel like crap later. So either way, he wouldn't have committed to me and I could have kept the relationship as it was--- non-committal and constantly feeling bad about it. Feeling that way, not sure if he was in an accident or ignoring my calls... that's terrible. I don't feel like I should be with someone if I can't trust in something.

 

Honestly, I really was petrified something had happened to him. I cried thinking he might be hurt! But I see what you are saying and truly, that wasn't what I was feeling...

 

I was insecure earlier, shocked he didn't call me. But if I thought it was cause he was ignoring me, I wouldn't have called him. I only did so because I was genuinely worried about him. And things between us were going so well, I didn't see why he would have stopped.

 

Yeah, I guess I'm kind of happy it's over with though. It's sad it ends this way. I'm not emailing him again. Don't worry.

[annie24]

That is something that my mom does and it gets on my nerves. Like if I am asleep at noon and I don't pick up the phone, she assumes that something is wrong with me or I have been hurt rather than thinking maybe I am just tired, or went to a big party the night before.

 

Maybe the way you reacted seemed too much like, "MOM MODE" and that wasn't something he wanted to deal with? I don't always get back to people right away, if it isn't convient for me.

[Scout]

Ok, but you have to understand that from objective outsiders, what we're seeing in your last response is even more intense than what you originally posted. You dated the guy for two weeks and you're having nightmares he's been shot because you haven't heard from him in a few days? You were crying over it? You were doing accident report researches on the Internet?

 

Hon, I definitely agree with you that in the future, you shouldn't give your feelings over so fast to someone, and even once you do, do not obsess over their whereabouts. That is the kiss of death for almost any relationship. I have the feeling when you do get involved with someone, you tend to quickly make them the center of everything, and you're just setting yourself up for disappointment if you do. No one, I don't care how much they like you, can withstand the weight of such a responsibility.

 

You are setting yourself up for more rejection and pain down the road if you continue to have this much intensity in your feelings.

[amtjrtcet]

It is often an error to listen to friends about your relationship. The problem is that people vent to their friends and tell them what their partners do wrong and how they have upset them etc. This sets up a dislike for the partner by the friends and they become very defensive of your behalf and very biased against him.

 

Plus - they have nothing to lose personally if you lose a good relationship. Ever notice how friends rarely take their own advice when dealing with their own partners?

 

You're exactly right. I do have one friend, my best friend that listens to me gripe about him, but doesn't judge him b/c she figures if I stick around it must not be that bad, and its really not.

[annie24]

yeah, I have to say, if you have been dating someone for 2.5 weeks, and you suddenly don't hear from them, the odds are only 1 in 1000 that they have been hurt or in an accident. 99.9% of the time, they are out on other dates, talking to others, or just busy with their own life.

[agualibre777]

It may or may not happen, but I'd say the chances are pretty slim if he's already avoiding your calls and telling you he feels uncomfortable. And your last email to him pretty much sealed things, I bet.

 

So do you think he was avoiding my calls? Even when I said I was worried about him and could he just send me a text that he was o.k.?

[annie24]

So do you think he was avoiding my calls? Even when I said I was worried about him and could he just send me a text that he was o.k.?

 

now you are sounding like my mom. if someone I were dating for a short time started asking me if I was ok (because I hadn't contacted them for a few days), I would immediately think that they are too needy and that would be a turn off. You aren't his mom, there is no need for him to be sending a text message saying that he is ok.

[Scout]

aqua, I went back over some of your other threads, and yes, I do suspect he was probably avoiding your calls. I think somewhere down the road, he started to get uncomfortable about your intensity. For example, when you texted him on Christmas that you wanted to jump on him and kiss him all over, then an hour or two later called him "just in case" he didn't hear the text.

 

You were pushy. And you pushed him away.

 

I'm sorry, I know it sounds like I'm being critical, but it's meant to be constructive, so this doesn't become a self-defeating pattern for you.

[agualibre777]

did i call him after? actually, i don't believe i did. i waited patiently for a response, and did send me a text response later that night around 9 pm. i was honestly surprised, cause he called me twice the day before on christmas eve while he was hanging out with his family.

 

that's what is confusing to me... he was calling me while he was hanging out with his friends on christmas eve. i sent him the text... usually he responds fairly quickly. he didn't. i got nervous but didn't say anything about it. he wrote me at 9pm that night about there. i texted back a joke. and that was it. he didn't call me the next day at all, but he does call me every day, so i was surprised. i knew he was going to drive down south about 8 or 9 hours but it was raining hard and there was lots of wind and he doesn't wear a seatbelt. so i texted him and called him around 7pm, but he didn't contact me back and that got me worried. i agree, i probably should have let it go, but once i got it in my head that he might have been hurt, or something bad happened with a family member... i mean, honestly, i was just trusting in the fact that he has been very consistent with me up to that point and all of a sudden he wasn't...

but i see what you're saying. i guess.

[Scout]

And I agree with Annie, if I had just been dating someone for a couple of weeks and I was getting "Just let me know you're ok" kind of messages, I'd be really turned off. Because my first instinct would be to think, this person is going to be clingy and try to control my whereabouts.

[Scout]

Sorry, you're right, that didn't happen on Christmas. I got your threads confused. This is what I was referring to, in one of your other threads:

I said, I had to go pick my friend up in like five minutes and he said o.k. he'd call me later.

 

So, I thought that meant later that evening but am I wrong? He never called and I text messaged around 10:30, hey handsome lets hang out. And called him around 11 (just in case he didn't hear the text message) but he didn't pick up.

[agualibre777]

that night we had plans to hang out and didn't call me. he called me the next morning at 7:30 am and we hung out all day at his house chatting and watching movies til 1 am the next day. it didn't freak him out then.

 

he said that he and his brother had got into a fight.

 

but probably it's true, i came on too strong. i liked him a lot.... oh well.