girlfriends ex's

[nhenzie]

First here's a little background info. We've been going out for about 3 weeks and they've ben thebest 3 weeks of my life. We haven't had sex yet, which really doesn't bother me (I'm a virgin), but apparently a few nights ago she told a mutual friend she "really wants to get laid" which kinda confuses me cause all she has to do is ask...which leads me to believe that she doesn't want to have sex with me because i'm a virgin.

Now on to her exs; it seems she has remained friends with about 75% of them which, at first, I thought was kinda weird, but i've come to accept it; but here's where it gets weird, one of her ex boyfriends is coming into town in january and he's gonna be staying at my girlfriends appartment; evenm weirder so, she doesn't want me to meet him, she said it would be "too awkward". At first i just told her i was ok with it, but the more i think about it the less comfortable i get about the whole situation. I mean, i trust her as much as much as you can trust somebody you've known for 3 weeks, but I've never met her ex so i don't really trust him and really don't see what his intentions could be.

I'm not really sure what i should do, the annoying thing, is that wether i'm ok with it or not, he's coming down for a few days, i obviously can't stop him. What do you guys think i should do?

 

 

P.S.

sorry if this is in the wrong forum, i wasn't really sure where to post this.

[Slacker]

You can never expect a woman to ask for sex, but she's ready (obviously) so you should probably get the move-on now if you intend to with this girl.

 

The ex thing would make me a little leary, her and another man in her apartment... will they be alone? If they were just "good friends" then I would think you would be welcome as a new part of her life, but you aren't....

 

he's coming over and she "really wants to get laid".... think about it.

[nhenzie]

Yeah, they'll be alone, which is what makes me all the more uncomfortable. Do you think i should tell her I'm not ok with it? I just really don't understand why she doesnt' want me to meet him either I'm not usually one to be suspicious but i can't help but be, in this situation. I'm just so confused, i'm not sure what to think or do.....

[Slacker]

I think you should definitely tell her that it bothers you (ya know, since it bothers you) I also think you should be prepared for the worst.

[Scout]

Hi...my advice is to save yourself a lot of pain and heartache, and cut things off with this girl now. Yes, you've had an amazing three weeks, but it seems this is screeching to a halt.

 

Quite candidly, if I got involved with someone who told me their ex was coming to town to stay IN THEIR APARTMENT, that alone would be enough for me to end things.

 

In your case, you're actually lucky. She's left no room for you to question what this visit will really be about, because she's told you it would be too awkward for you to meet the ex. That tells you exactly what you need to know about the state of their relationship.

 

Move on, friend. Don't sacrifice your virginity to someone who is already treating you poorly so soon into the relationship.

[nhenzie]

well scout, you said exactly what i was thinking...unfortunately. I might just tell her that it bothers me and see how she takes that and depending on how she takes it i'll go from there. The reason i'm apprehensive about ending it is cause she's my first girlfriend in 2yrs (i'm painfully shy); but i guess we'll just have to see.....

[Scout]

well scout, you said exactly what i was thinking...unfortunately. I might just tell her that it bothers me and see how she takes that and depending on how she takes it i'll go from there. The reason i'm apprehensive about ending it is cause she's my first girlfriend in 2yrs, i'm painfully shy; but i guess we'll just have to see.....

 

I understand, and I know the last three weeks were a breath of fresh air after two years of loneliness. But you have to believe in yourself a little bit, and know that at 19, you've got your whole life and future ahead of you, and both can be pretty good if you make the choices that are in your best interest. I do not think being with a girl who would do this is in your best interest, but I guess if you want to give her a chance to change her mind about having the ex stay at her house, that's pretty mature. But if she doesn't, I really suggest you end things.

 

Because, you know what? When we make choices that are in our self-esteem's best interest, it increases our confidence and self-like, which will go a long way in helping us with our shyness.

 

Treat yourself with respect, and you'll attract others who will also treat you that way.

[treefrogkate]

I would definitely ask her why she doesn't want you to meet him. I am still friends with some of my exes, and have introduced my boyfriends to them. If there's no funny business going on, there shouldn't be an issue.

 

As far as sex goes, I would not have sex with the girl just to try and prevent her from leaving. If she intends to do anything other than friend-type stuff with the other guy, she's going to do that whether or not she's banging you. If you're ok with it not being serious and just having a romp in the hay, then by all means go for it. But if you are looking for something longer term, and she still dismisses your feelings about the ex, then that's a huge red flag to me anyway.

[Rabican]

This is a very simple situation to me. Ive been down a similar road, and trust me, as much as you like this girl this isnt the sort of thing you can just dismiss if you cant see eye to eye. It will only get worse.

You may want to rearrange some words, and make this sound a bit nicer, but the general jist of what you must say to her is this.

 

Honey, I love you and I have been thinking about this whole thing with your ex coming to visit. I just do not think its appropriate for someone in a commited relationship to have an ex bf spending the night/ week etc. I think if we are going to continue seeing each other, you are going to have to call him and either cancel the plans altogether or just have him visit but not stay over. You can hang out with him at the movies, bookstore, mall, my place etc. And another thing, if its really so akward that I cannot even meet him... well thats a dead giveaway that he shouldnt even be showing up in the first place.

 

Bottom line, is that she needs to respect your feelings on this. If you are truly not ok with this (be honest with yourself) then you need to tell her so. She should be more than happy to accomadate your feelings if she truly respects/ cares about you.

If she wont, go your separate ways.

[nhenzie]

sorry for not posting for a while, i've been really busy lately. But I've...accuired some more info; it turns out this guy is her ex FIANCÉ; after a bit of convincing on my part, (she said) i get to meet him...but he's still gonna be staying at her place for about a week or so. I just don't underetand it, she claims he's her bestfriend...then why did they break up in the first place!?

aarrggghh why are some women so confusing?..

[Rabican]

Are you ok with him spending the night? I honestly wouldnt be. I see that whole situation as blatantly innapropriate. You just dont have a sleepover with some ex bf/ bedbuddy/ fiance etc. when you are in a commited relationship.

[caro33]

You didn't know he was her ex-fiance before? This is bigger news than she obviously let on to start with. Not sure what it means about her true intentions but it does mean she is not opening up to you too much.

 

Three weeks is a bit early to be staking claims and making suggestions about how she should live her life. However this is about what you will and won't tolerate in a relationship, so I guess I advise a combination of Rabican's and Scout's advice. Consider this ended in your mind as far as you can, but also state your needs as per Rabican's post. Maybe it could be slanted more toward -

 

'Honey I have had a great time these last few weeks and am really sorry to say it, but I think maybe this isn't going to work. Your plans with your ex make me deeply uncomfortable, and I'm not sure what you expect me to make of this. I need to be sure of the girl I am with and perhaps you're not in that place to give me that certainty at the moment'.

 

Then let her say what she's going to say. Maybe she can make you feel better and give you some heartfelt statements that don't require you making a stand re what you think she can and can't do (which no one likes). Maybe she'll agree with you and you'll get your answer to move on.

[nhenzie]

thanks a lot guys, you have no idea how much i value your advice. next time i talk to her i'm gonna tell her something along the lines of what caro33 suggested(in my own words of course You've all been very helpful; thanks again

[Rabican]

good luck, just make sure you stand your ground and stick to your guns whatever they may be. If you end up being ok with him visiting after talking to her, then go with it. But if you are going to be up at night worrying... then dont go down that road. What happens here will be setting the benchmark for what you, and she feel is appropriate for the rest of your relationship. Better to know now and end things if you just cant see eye to eye on what your situation should be.