I want to get marrriiiieeeed

[xmrth]

I am so envious of all the couples who have gotten engaged and married and live together and all of that. It doesn't make me sad but it makes me happy and excited-- but especially envious. Jealous. Most times I feel jealous/sad.

 

I have no idea when I'll be next. It wont be any closer until I'm out of college in hopefully another year. Year year year.

 

I feel like I think about it every day, and I probably do. I'm so curious of what those things will be like. I feel like I'm more comfortably waiting lately, but so envious...

 

I really feel like I will be pleasantly surprised when I am though, I can say that at least. I feel like if I were now, it wouldn't be as good if I didn't have to wait and be in a better position in life for those things. But it bothers me a lot because I am in a better position than a lot of people who are engaged or living together and all of that.

 

There's not much of a point to this but it's Christmas and a lot of people are engaged.

 

 

 

Martha

[laboheme]

I know the feeling...whenever one of my coworkers mentions her fiancee, I feel like gagging -- even though I love her dearly!

 

But hey, focus on the positives. If you are happy in your relationship, that should be all that matters. Just because so-and-so got engaged/married doesn't mean they are happy together...

[Hope75]

Hi Martha,

 

Hehe, I feel your pain girl. A good friend of mine who has been with her bf for 7 years got engaged last weekend, and we just graduated nursing school. She is 26 and he is 27. They have owned a condo together for 2 years and lived together for 4.

 

I'm 31 and have been with my guy for over 4 years. We share a lovely home, he makes great money, and I will be soon when I get my RN and begin working as one.... so I am definitely of the mind where I'd like to see a ring in the near future. I think it's probably coming in the next 6 months to a year, but don't know that for sure.

 

I think we just have to keep working on establishing ourselves and working hard and being a good partner, and when the time is right, and when they are ready to ask us, they will.

 

I know you've had some trouble with trusting your bf and letting him go to see his friends and stuff, and now is a very good time to work on that within yourself so that will be well out of your system. I wonder if part of what might be holding your guy back is he doesn't want "another mother" telling him what to do and not do or making him feel guilty if he wants to spend time away from you. It's important and healthy for all couples to spend time apart and developing a life outside of him is a good thing for you too.

 

I've had some time to work on my flaws too and no one is perfect, but I definitely think some behaviours are deal breakers for marriage and making your guy feel guilty when he wants to see friends is definitely one of them.

 

You guys are still very young too so give yourselves time- because even with 7 years together, 21 is very young to be getting married.

 

Just some food for thought.

[Batya33]

I felt similarly when I was your age - to me the pretty diamond, the lavish wedding plans, the presents, the dress - it seemed like a fairy tale. Then when you get older you realize that planning for a wedding and the pretty ring is not the same as planning for a marriage. what you will see is that a percentage of those who are engaged are truly in healthy, satisfying relationships, a percentage are engaged just so they can say they are engaged or because it was the logical next step, a percentage have serious doubts that they may not even admit to themselves, and a percentage are in denial about who they really are and who their partners really are and are going into the marriage with a good amount of self-deception.

 

Not all engagements or marriages are created equal and the status of being engaged or married means little if there is not a healthy happy relationship underlying it. You won't see that much during the wedding planning because often the focus is on the presents, the plans, and the party and the problems are ignored or swept under the rug.

 

Again, a percentage of your friends have truly found happy healthy relationships - I am not cynical about marriage - but it sounds like you are focusing more on the status of being engaged or married and not looking to see whether the choices your friends are making are healthy ones or ones likely to lead to lasting happy marriages.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Just remember Martha - that grass is ALWAYS greener in the yard we're NOT in....

 

If you like green grass, BELIEVE me, stay where you are so you can see it! Cos when you get there...to the yard WITH the green grass...the view ain't so nice........

[Dako]

I agree with what Batya posted.

 

Best to marry for the person and the chemistry than for expediency.

[annie24]

i can understand also. I am going through an age also where most of my friends are getting engaged... and I am very happy for them. At times I wish I were getting married also, but then other times, I am glad i am not getting married. There are so many things I can do on my own right now, I enjoy living by myself, and I am really afraid of getting married to the wrong person.

 

yeah, like batya pointed out, the fantasy is wonderful. the dress, the cake, the bridesmaids, the lovely photos, the reception, first dance, honeymoon, PRESENTS! all lovely, but after a few months you are a married couple, and all the pros and cons that come with it. when you are ticked at your boyfriend, you can go to your respective homes, but when you are married, you have to go to sleep in the same bed, or at least the same house.

 

I went out to dinner with some gfs a few weeks ago, and the married women were saying how wonderful it would be if they had the whole house to themselves for 1 night, and to eat what they wanted and go to sleep when they wanted. just 1 night!!! They were saying, "yeah, we love our husbands, but gosh, it was so nice being single and having a space that was only mine."

 

you two do have some troubles in your relationship, so I don't think that a wedding would fix them. I know you would feel better if he were more devoted to you and spent more time with you, but a ring and a piece of paper will not change the way he interacts with you.

 

(By the way, sometimes when I get jealous about people getting married, I just think to myself that in 10 years, half of those couples will be divorced. yes, sad but true. and pretty cynical. all the more reason to make sure that the relationship is solid and that you are getting married for the rest of your life, as opposed to marrying just so you can have a fabulous party and just be able to call yourself married.)

[rocio]

Most of my friends got married about 5-7 years ago (we were around 18-22 years old). By now, at least half of them are divorced, separated or miserable. Better to wait, IMO, than to get married young.

[luvursmile]

Just remember Martha - that grass is ALWAYS greener in the yard we're NOT in....

 

If you like green grass, BELIEVE me, stay where you are so you can see it! Cos when you get there...to the yard WITH the green grass...the view ain't so nice........

 

LOL, Awdree...So true!

[Juliana]

It's great that you know this about yourself, that you are looking forward to being married, that it is important and meaningful to you, in itself. Your marriage will probably be very satisfying to you, because of that.

 

What other events are important and meaningful? What other things have you done that you needed to do to feel that you were fulfilling your potential, and meeting your goals?

[xmrth]

This has been VERY helpful to hear other views, thank you so much.

 

I don't know what it is I want when it comes down to it-- I feel like I dip a bit into everything. The "status" of being engaged isn't part of it, though. But the feeling of being "deserving" of it is. I don't know HOW I am deserving though, I think it's just the amount of time we've been together combined with how much I want it.

 

I wish I could find something separate from love and relationships that I could work towards. Even my career is towards getting married and what's next-- I will love what I'll do, but I am using it solely to have what I want more than anything. I don't think that's uncommon, but I do wish I wanted more for just me, for just myself. Not us all of the time, every time.

 

I want something that binds us. I feel like marriage would bind us. I feel like we're out in the open and not solid and intertwined-- those are the feelings I have. I feel really mad about it sometimes, too.

[Hope75]

You don't need marriage to bind you to him- you love and commitment to each other, as well as your faith and trust in the love and commitment is what binds you. I don't think I could feel any closer to my bf than I do now- even if we were to get married tomorrow.

 

But you are very right about needing other things rather than just this relationship- it's very unhealthy to focus all of your attention on just this one thing- and it puts a tremendous amount of undue pressure on your bf as well.

[Juliana]

I think it's really healthy that you want to desire more than just marriage. Marriage is a huge life-goal, that we may genuinely need to reach, and when we reach it, we are fulfilled by it. It's not a mirage; it's part of our coming of age. And it's good to respect our need for that. But you are also seeing beyond that, to yourself as a person who will be married, not someone whose identity consists of being married.

 

When you picture yourself, your "best self," who is that woman? What has she accomplished? What is her life like? Does she garden? Does she play a sport well? Speak more than one language? Does she travel? Can she cook?

 

I think it's good to be excited about who we are, and who we can become. I think everything we add to our reality from our dreams is something we have given ourselves, beyond what others can give us. If there is something you need to do -- in my case, it was to go to Paris, for example -- then you should make every effort to take that seriously and do it.

 

It doesn't matter how far back you have to go to find those dreams of what your life might be like; maybe your ten year old self understood what your adult self might need. When you find those dreams, take them out and see which ones might still add some shine to your heart.

[Batya33]

Just curious - does this mean that people who choose not to get married - or people who cannot get legally married (i.e. gay people in certain states or countries) cannot experience this part of "coming of age?" I know of several highly immature people who got married and their ability to go through with marriage vows did not make them any more mature or an adult.

[Juliana]

Oh, no. I just know that there are some people (like myself) for whom marriage really is a necessary event, and if it doesn't happen, they will mourn. I also had to have children. Those are just things I knew about myself. Getting married doesn't make one mature; what a ridiculous idea. But there are a variety of experiences that our culture recognizes to be part of maturing; graduating from high school or university, buying a first home -- that kind of thing. The individual components are different for everyone, and certainly, not everyone has to go to Paris to feel fulfilled -- but knowing who you are and what you have to have to feel complete is part of becoming mature.

[xmrth]

I just really find myself dreaming about doing things that we can only do while married or living together, like go shopping for a house... buy furniture... have friends over and entertain... wake up next to eachother... have dog or dogs together... eventually have children together... take our kids to school, out around for many things, and just everything.

 

That's kind of like the whole package for me. Now from what he tells me, we'll live together first. And that could absolutely change, and we could be engaged first. I'd rather live together first unless we would soon after engagement.

 

But right now, I just feel so done with this. I'm sick of living apart and only seeing eachother on the weekends because of work for him and school for me, and I'm sick of him having to leave when the night is over, and I'm so so sick of the phone. I'm tired of living at home but I can't move out now, and when I can I'd want that money to go towards our home, and not towards a small place for me that I'll just be renting and things like that...

 

I can't stand being in this place in my life, and I'm trying to find other things to work towards and to try and accomplish but it's just school... get a career... and that's all..

[annie24]

I know a lot of men who have proposed to their gfs not when they were cozy together, sitting by the fireplace, living alone. Rather, when they felt that they might lose her and they wanted to keep her. I know a lot of women who got proposed to as their careers were about to take off, or they were going to graduate and were considering taking a job accross the country. The men felt a sense of urgency.

 

IMHO, living together doesn't create that sense of urgency. he is getting all the benefits of having a wife (ie, home cooked meals, clean house, nice decorations), but without the committment. i think that moving in together before a wedding date, you lose some of your leverage. because you are living with him, you do not have a committment from him, but yet you can't date others and do as you please.

 

there are so many women on here and in general, complaining that they are living with their SOs, but no ring or wedding date in sight. if you are looking for marriage, and want it in a timely fashion, you need to get the message accross to him that he needs to be serious, otherwise you will look for marriage elsewhere.

 

after all, if he is living with you and getting the benefits, why would he get married? he has everything he wants, without the committment, or possibilty for divorce.

[xmrth]

He's not living with me now-- or do you mean when he is?

 

I'll be honest, I feel a little afraid of that because it's happened to other people. But then I feel like he really would still propose after living together because he wants to know how it will be like. I kind of do too, but he does the most-- wants to know that it will work out just fine living together first. I don't know if that will change, but I have been talking about wanting to be engaged first... should I stress the fact of why to him?

It's a really big case of not feeling like it would happen to me.. though I have no proof that says it wouldn't happen to me except from what he's told me.

[Batya33]

Oh, no. I just know that there are some people (like myself) for whom marriage really is a necessary event, and if it doesn't happen, they will mourn. I also had to have children. Those are just things I knew about myself. Getting married doesn't make one mature; what a ridiculous idea. But there are a variety of experiences that our culture recognizes to be part of maturing; graduating from high school or university, buying a first home -- that kind of thing. The individual components are different for everyone, and certainly, not everyone has to go to Paris to feel fulfilled -- but knowing who you are and what you have to have to feel complete is part of becoming mature.

 

Same here and you are lucky you were able to make that happen - I know women who felt they had to have children and could not or were not in the right situation where they could bring a child into this world. same with marriage - although of course almost anyone can find someone to marry, to find someone to marry who you love is not always something within the person's control.

[annie24]

you guys have already been together for 7 years though. don't you think he already knows what you are like? I think that living together for some people can help them decide whether or not they want to get married. But I think he already knows you well enough, so I don't see why moving in together will help.

 

don't assume that he will propose after living together with you for a while. don't assume anything. I think it is more likely that he will take LONGER to propose (if he will at all) because he has all he needs.

 

like S2S on here says, "living together is all the grunt work of marriage without any of the committment."

 

I think living together before marriage is fine for some people, but like your post says, "I want to get married." And if you want to get married, insist on a wedding date before moving in together.

 

To be honest with you (and I could be totally wrong), but I think your boyfriend takes you for granted because he knows you aren't going anywhere. he knows you are utterly devoted to him, want to marry him, thus, he sees no urgency. he knows you aren't going to move to europe and take an internship in Paris, so why rush anything? he has no reason to propose to you, as you aren't going anywhere.

 

you should watch "Love Story" if you haven't yet. Oliver proposes to Jenny when he hears she is thinking about taking a scholarship in europe, when he is afraid she will leave, not because they are living together. Fine, I realize that this is a cheesy example and it is just a movie, but it illustrates the point.

 

I think if you move in with him, the second the house is done being decorated, you will be wondering "why isn't he proposing? what is he waiting for?"

 

if you REALLY want to get married, you need to set your sights bigger. ie, you've been with the same guy for 7 years, but no committment. maybe you should consider dating other men? there are plenty of men out there that do want to be married.

[Batya33]

He's not living with me now-- or do you mean when he is?

 

I'll be honest, I feel a little afraid of that because it's happened to other people. But then I feel like he really would still propose after living together because he wants to know how it will be like. I kind of do too, but he does the most-- wants to know that it will work out just fine living together first. I don't know if that will change, but I have been talking about wanting to be engaged first... should I stress the fact of why to him?

It's a really big case of not feeling like it would happen to me.. though I have no proof that says it wouldn't happen to me except from what he's told me.

 

I would not live with someone without being engaged with a wedding date coming up in the next 6 months or sooner. My parents have been married 50 years and didn't live together first, same with my sister who was married 20 years, etc. The statistics show a higher divorce rate for those who live together first.

[Juliana]

"Same here and you are lucky you were able to make that happen -"

 

I know that it is something that many people want, and that usually happens, but how and with whom isn't really in anyone's control. I know that infertility has affected alot of women; we learn, we grieve, we adjust. It is all part of living our lives. I needed to be married; I knew that. I think it is healthy to know what you need. Going through life slightly unfocused about our priorities makes us prone to mistakes.

 

"there are so many women on here and in general, complaining that they are living with their SOs, but no ring or wedding date in sight. if you are looking for marriage, and want it in a timely fashion, you need to get the message accross to him that he needs to be serious, otherwise you will look for marriage elsewhere.

 

after all, if he is living with you and getting the benefits, why would he get married? he has everything he wants, without the committment, or possibilty for divorce."

 

I second that. It's not a slight on him, because he may think this really is the wisest course of action. However, the statistics indicate that couples who live together prior to marriage are at slightly higher risk of divorce. I don't know why that is; but that's what the numbers say. Maybe people who live together slide into marriage too easily.

 

I would say to him that you can't live with him unless you are engaged first. Make sure that both of you are on the same page about where this is going. If you know what you have to have, make sure that you understand that that has to be the priority for you. Don't sacrifice the dreams you have for the sake of his convenience, or cold feet, whichever it might be. Your needs are important too.

[annie24]

The statistics show a higher divorce rate for those who live together first.

 

I heard something similar, but with a variation. if the couple moves in before marriage, but they are committed to each other, then the divorce rate is the same. (ie, they have decided to spend the rest of their lives together, etc, but just haven't gotten the actual piece of paper yet).

 

If they move in together without that committment to "see how things go," then yes, the divorce rate is higher if they actually do wind up married.

[xmrth]

He's told me he doesn't want to get divorced, that he's getting married once and staying married, so he wants to be sure we don't have some problem where we fight uncontrollably and things don't go right and all that mess.

 

But I do have over a year until he and I will do something... I don't have a problem with being engaged first, and I might let him know how I feel about it since I've been pretty quiet about it since the thought of living together just seemed so nice.

[annie24]

don't be afraid to ask for what you want. if he brings up this, " that he's getting married once and staying married, so he wants to be sure we don't have some problem where we fight uncontrollably and things don't go right and all that mess.", just tell him that you are old fashioned and don't want to live together before marriage. Or at the very least, before a wedding date has been set.

 

but you guys are having problems already, without having even moved in together. you should resolve those before going on to the next step.