Taking a break

[aaronrodgers]

My girlfriend and I have been sort of taking a break for a little over a week now. We live together and have for 7 months. We've been together a total of 4 years. I thought everything was fine but she finally mentioned something over a week ago. Things had been building up for her and now she doesn't know if she wants a relationship and she is confused about life in general. For a couple days, we remained here together. The last 6 or 7 days we have slept in separate places, which was my idea (since she wanted space to think). Now we are going out for dinner and a movie tomorrow. I asked her out. She said she "can't make any promises". She also said it would be a good chance to talk. We have a very loving, healthy relationship when things are going good...it's honestly remarkable how wonderfully we fit and get along together. Up until 3 weeks ago, she was talking heavily about getting married and how badly she wanted to marry me...now she says she is too young and is scared...my question is, how should I act on this date? I want her back...what should I do? Please leave constructive advice. This girl and I are so good together FOR EACHOTHER.

[dnozzle]

Honestly dude....just be yourself, but be prepared for bad news. This is never a good thing and I really do think she is going to tell you that she isn't ready for this and will want to just remain friends.

 

You need to realize that there is nothing you can do to get her back and that if she wants you back, that is something she will figure out on her own. The only thing you can do is push her further away by seeming too needy or clingy. Just relax, hear her out, and don't make any demands on her.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this, and I am sorry for being so blunt about it. But I just went through this exact thing over thanksgiving, and we drug it on for nearly a month before she finally fessed up that she just wasn't ready for a real relationship.

[Paper Tiger]

She is scared, so don't try to spend the whole date convincing her to take you back, as that would only put pressure on her and make her feel trapped. Try to have a fun, lighthearted date, like you would at the beginning of the relationship, and show her why you two got together in the first place. Good luck!

[agualibre777]

I think you may want to take the serious tone down a notch. Everythings been great until there was talk about marriage and getting more serious. There is no reason you have to rush into marriage or the next step. That IS scary, to anyone, no matter how much you love someone. So, it's best I think to have fun, but reassure her that you are her friend first and foremost, that no matter what happens, it's important to trust in that relationship. And that it isn't necessary to make any huge decisions right now.

[aaronrodgers]

The thing is, she has been more insistent on the marriage throughout the entire 4 year relationship...I've always told her "well I agree, but there's no rush in getting engaged..."

[hockeyboy]

i dated a girl for 4 years and she was the same way...insisiting on getting engaged/married...right up to the day before we broke up. this seems to happen a lot...a girl thinks she wants to get married and then once she starts thinking about it, actually scares herself.

 

obviously your not ready to be married...if either of you are having doubts and having these problems. i think you need to be open to the idea of taking some time apart..but not giving up on her completely. if you chase her and want to be with her all the time, your only going to push her away.

 

you obviously have a history and she wont just forget about you. give her some space..let her come to you. when she does come to you...make sure you dont just go back to how things were before. i think its imporant you spend some time away from each other...both now, and when/if you work things out.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I was in your girlfriend's position last year. I dated a guy for 4 years, lived with him and just waiting for him to ask me to marry him. I just could not understand why he was waiting. I wanted to get married because it just seemed like the next step, we were together for a long time, living together, in our late 20s. Why not? Well, he never asked me to marry him. I got tired of putting my life on hold. I broke up with him. However, I was in no way confused about my life in general. I knew EXACTLY what I wanted, I still do. It is my belief people's "confusion" is a way to "soften" the blow, to make things less painful for the other. I truly feel your (ex) girlfriend is not confused.

 

As far as what to do on your date, just go and relax. Have fun and no relationship talk. She is afraid of hurting you, I suspect that is why she cannot give a straight answer, is confused and cannot make any promises. She perhaps does not have the heart to come out and say how she truly feels. I see that happen over and over again here on these forums. There is a reason why you two are not married, if it is right and meant to be, there would be no fears, no hestation, no excuses.

 

After your date, I would flat out and ask her her true feelings. You deserve to know the truth and not be hanging in limbo. The best thing she can do for the both of you is to be completely honest.

 

I am sorry things are hard. Hang in there.

[aaronrodgers]

We were down this road 2.5 years ago. Same sort of thing, and she came around 2 or 3 weeks later and we rebuilt what we had...

[coooolsome]

On your date, just have fun. This is a very delicate situation that you are in right now. If you show any signs of wussiness, you can kiss her goodbye.

 

The reason she may be confused is this. As a man, you should have taken the initiative and asked her to marry you. YOU should not have to be convinced, or persuaded. YOU should have taken the next step. In a relationship, the man makes these kinds of decisions.

 

She basically does not see you as a man, or really doesnt want to get married anymore. What you have to do is go out, have fun and then you need to ask her to marry you or at least talk about it.

 

However, you talking about it is completely different from you buying a ring and asking her. If you do this, you must do this in a non wussy way. Do not be pathetic and beg and cry.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if she said no, but at least you tried. The worst thing is if you didn't do something you think you should have. If she does say no, you have 2 choices, remain friends, or write her off.

 

To tell you the truth, if you do ask her to marry you and she says no, then I would move on and not be friends. As a man, you do not let yourself be disrespected. Of course this also means that you can never take her back either.

[aaronrodgers]

So is the consensus...on this date, we just have fun? I shouldn't bring up anything? And what do I do if she brings things up...?

[Mavis VDSande]

Don't bring anything up. People respond badly to pressure. And if you push for answers or resolutions about your rels it may tip the balance of how she feels about you.

 

Act and live the rels you have tmr. Don't talk about it but breathe it, through your actions. Words will scare her and she may back off. I am not saying turn up with 50 roses and a singing band (!) but be yourself, make her laugh and forget about her worries.

 

If she mentions the rels, just agree with what she has to say. Again, just reduce conflict between the both of you. Let her know that you understand her fully and that you are on her side.

 

And smile and be happy! You said yourself that you two are great together, let her experience that!

 

Good luck!

[coooolsome]

Yeah, don't bring anything up. Basically the ball is in her court. Read this.

link removed

 

Remember, there is no sure fire way to get your GF back. The only thing we can give is advice because none of us know what is really going on inside your GF's head.

 

Just be careful, b/c if she is a caring person, she is going to sort of lead you on. Basically she won't realize it, b/c she thinks she is doing it to let you down easier.