love is ruining my life

[specialist]

Hi. Here i'll be the specialist. My sad history is this:

 

I'm 21. And Computer Science College Student. I Am 6' 2''. my Weigth 187 lbs. My Body Is Very Athletic 'cause i train 2 hours a day 6 days a week n the gym for two years now. althought i am one of the biggest geeks on earth you couldn't tell (if you don't see me programming) because of my look and the fact than i don't use glasses, pocket protectors, palms, no gadgets. But i love my career. Now What this have to do with anything....

 

Two years ago i met this cute cute women, she is so nice, christian, beautiful, social. I start to talk to her normally, she had a boyfriend by that time, i get more involved with her and suddenly i was her best friend. But the thing is since day 1 i have being in love with her. 6 months ago she dumped her boyfriend and i came into action, i revealed my feeelings to her, she was very shocked, later she told me that we had to talk. In "the talk" she told me that she had knew of my former sexual behaviour (the whole package: oral, three-some, etc) and that maybe and against her religion she forgive me, but that she wants me as her BROTHER, it really pissed me of, but analizing the situation is not just the typical phrase to keep someone in the "friend zone". I Know her parents, her brothers and sisters treat me as one of them, she is so loveable with me, give me kisses all the time, flowers, unicorns and things like that. And she has a lot (i mean a lot) of guys that want to be her boyfriend, and she has told me that she is not going to be with anyone until i let go of her, of my love, i have tried everything to get her but she is not gonna fall.

 

Now my life is a living hell, in gym i cannot concentrate, i just can't, i love everything related to my computer career, but since her rejection i can't find pleasure on it, i can't take pleasure on anything. I am a very unlikeable person, i am hateful, egocentric, narcissist. And i am nearly uncapable to have a serious relationship because of that with all women not being her i behave like i was the center of the universe, all the times i got sex was just for my look, but now i don't enjoy that i feel like crap anytime i do that casual sex. I have tried anything, being an with her, so she just hate me and i can move on, but she calls me crying and tells me that i shouldn't be like that and i end up feeling like crap and crying, yes crying, if i'm with her i'm all hapiness if i don't see her i feel down, i just wish i hadn't met her, to erase her from my memory. Give me some advice please... i'm desperate

[Hope75]

Hi There and Welcome to enotalone.

 

I broke up your post into paragraphs so it will be easier to read and you may get more responses that way.

 

I also edited the curse word, as swears are not allowed here at enotalone. Please feel free to follow the link in my signiture for posting rules and regulations.

 

Thanks!

[mikeca]

I've been in that situation..shes on your mind 24,7 work/gym/freetime.

 

thing that helped is too walk away from her, let her know not to contact you, NC (if you will) because although this isnt a relationship your love for her is. You need to cut ties and regain your focus.

[Clementine orange]

Unrequited love - it sucks doesn't it? You need some space here and put the focus back on yourself and your schooling. It's survival man.

It's gonna suck for a while (it already is) but day by day, little by little, it will get better. Welcome to life. We've all been here before!

[specialist]

sometimes i think that also, that walk away is the right to do. But the thing is that i see her 8 hours a day at school, in the same classrooms, and if i stop talking her (trust me, i have done it) she or her family talks to me, and make me changes my mind, even thought i'm very egoist, with her i just can't. And she really loves me, she shows me signs of affection that no one else, for example on my last birthday she made a huge board saying happy birthday! and place it in the school hall, took me to a restaurant and made me a surprise party, she indeed loves me as her brother. I am really affected by this situation.

[Clementine orange]

If she truley loved you then shewould be able to see the pain she is causing you. This is like manipulation, This is cruelty.

Christian eh? Ask her what would Jesus do?

[cchurting]

I agree with Clementine. Isn't Christianity all about forgiveness??

 

If she is unwilling to forgive you for your past, she is not worth it. The right person will not care about your mistakes, simply because the past is the PAST and there is nothing you can do about it.

 

She cares too much about your past probably because she has some baggage of her own. She is probably afraid of getting hurt, and she is using your past as a reason to be afraid.

 

She is the one throwing away an opportunity for love. This is not your fault, so don't blame yourself for your past mistakes. She sounds like a fool.

 

Live now for the future. Try not to repeat any of your mistakes and you will be stronger and more prepared for when you do find that great (forgiving) person.

[Juliana]

Take all the religious stuff out of the equation: If you asked her, would she go out with you? Yes, or no?

 

React based on that. If yes, then find out what she wants in a relationship; because she's Christian, she'll probably want you to consider conversion (some Christians will only date other Christians).

 

If no, wipe her out of your life, and tell her not to worry about you, you'll be fine.

[lovecrazy]

You know I am going to have to touch base on this. Christians are suppose to forgive no matter what...at least that is what we are lead to believe.

 

I for one, am a Christian, and do find it hard at times to forgive others, but for your past, it makes you who you are. She might not "love you as a brother as much" if you didnt go through the things you went through.

 

Sounds like this girl either wants to play on your emotions, especially if she is giving you kisses, all the time, and showing other types of affection..

 

DO NOT feel guilty about your past. What you did in your past should stay in the past. NOw this is strickly my opinon, casual sex is not a bad thing as longs as it done responsible, and protected.

 

Christians often think they are above others because its a international huge religion. But God didnt create forgiveness not to be used.

 

dont let this girl manipulate you. Honestly keep strong, and only limit contact with her, as far as school goes, and still speak with her family, but if they know how you feel about her, and that she doesnt feel the same way back, tell them you need to limit contact because this hurts you.

 

Dont cry over a female who is stuck up her own butt...cry over someone who is worth it. This girl maybe everything you always wanted, but she might not be what you always needed.

[specialist]

You are all right, i think i'll just stop seeing her and if it hurts her too bad, because she is hurting me now, and it's getting worse. i think she is very egoist, not because she doesn't love, nobody should be obligated to love anyone, but because she says she loves me, that i am good looking, and things like that, but that she can't just be with me. Like clementine said it is already hurting so i don't see the difference. I'm gonna use this vacations to get used to the idea of not being with her.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am a very unlikeable person, i am hateful, egocentric, narcissist. And i am nearly uncapable to have a serious relationship because of that with all women not being her i behave like i was the center of the universe, all the times i got sex was just for my look, but now i don't enjoy that i feel like crap anytime i do that casual sex.

 

This is how you describe yourself. You also had quite a colourful sex life before she came into the picture, which she is having trouble with. A person doesn't become what you describe above, just because of a rejection, it has to be within that person as well. Perhaps she sees good in you and that is why she is with you to some degree, but there is also this bad side of you which was there before when you were engaging in colourful sex and probably had the same kind of center of the universe behaviour. I don't think we are getting the whole picture here about what you were like before you met her. It is not just the sex issue that has pushed her away, but the attitude and behaviour you exhibit and likely exhibited before. Personality issues are the sole responsibility of the person, nobody can make you behave a certain way unless you want to. Christianity may be all about forgiveness, but that doesn't mean people have to accept and condone certain behaviours they don't agree with.

[specialist]

yes i may have a lot of defects and yes i have had them for a long time. But with her i have been the best person, i have suported her, i have taken care of her and i think that is the very scence of love, loving someone not because the way he is with everybody but because the way he is with YOU. And besides that i am not evil, i just have a great sense of myself, a great ego, but i treat her right, i respect her, i have done everything i could, i think that she just doesnt want me, sometimes she told me that approaching her as a friend first was a bad estrategy, and i think that just doesnt have any sense, it was never my intent to be more than friends, is that imposible to pass from being best friends to be a couple?. Do i have to approach every woman with vague intentions just in case?, the thing is i still feel terrible...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It is not impossible to go from friends to being a couple. Many people do.

 

loving someone not because the way he is with everybody but because the way he is with YOU.

 

It is not only about how the person is with YOU, what is equally important is how the person is with others. Sure, you don't want someone who is the all around nice guy to everyone else and behaves like a jerk to their girlfriend or wife, but equally bad is someone who treats their girlfriend like gold but with everyone else a bad attitude. Because if a person exhibits a bad attitude towards everyone else, it is only a matter of time, when the novelty of the relationship wears off, that the bad attitude will be exhibited to the girlfriend. Perhaps your friend realizes this. That is not to say you are an evil person, but perhaps not someone that this particular woman feels comfortable with long-term.

 

I am sorry you feel so badly about this. There is nothing you can really do. I think we have all experienced the awful feeling of caring about someone who doesn't return the same depth of feeling. Eventually we meet someone else who does return the feelings.

[langford]

better a tooth out than always aching....