He broke the Christmas gift he gave to me!!!!

[pregnantkitty_1985]

EEK!

 

Is this good enough?

 

Stabbing him and stuff? Hehe. Or something else? I'm confused, not sure what you mean.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

again, not good. if you are threatening violence against him, and he is breaking your things, this is a very unhealthy situation. I don't think you realize just how unhealthy this is.

 

You're right. But I didn't mean that I was going to start abusing him or anything. Nor would I ever really stab anyone. But if he ever tried to hit me I wouldn't take it, or run and hide crying. I'd fight back. That's what I meant. I know that's not healthy either. But what else could a person do if someone hit them?

[pregnantkitty_1985]

I have to go to a meeting now, and wish I didn't have to leave the keyboard. Kitty if you get a chance please indulge me and tell me what psychiatric help you would be looking for (for him).

 

Also, why do you think he is breaking things - what are his core emotional itches that this scratches?

 

Have fun Caro.

 

I would like him to see some sort of counselor or enroll in some sort of anger-management. But I don't think anger-management courses are qualified to help something of this calibre. I think some medication would be in order. Of course I'm not qualified to say this, but a psychiatrist is. I think he should seek out a psychiatrist, not a regular counselor or psychologist, but a straight-out psychiatrist.

 

I think he breaks things in some sort of effort to have control over me, but also in a outburst of rage. Because from what I've heard, he's become angry at others before and reacted in a rage, so it can't just be the fact that he's trying to control me. That's a really good question though, I'll have to think about that some more before I can answer fully. Honestly I'm not quite sure what the answer is.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

ok, if you marry him, don't you think he will break more than $500 worth of stuff if this keeps up? if he is so concerned about money, why does he keep breaking stuff? I think that counseling is cheaper in the long run. perhaps even the short run.

 

I think some of the things he breaks because he doesn't feel he has to replace. He's claimed before he 'blanks out' in a rage. I think he's not even thinking of the money when he does it.. I think counseling is a good idea, but he refuses to now.

[annie24]

if he is "blanking out" (his own words!) while in a rage, what makes you think he will know not to hit you?

[Ellie2006]

EngagedKitty,

 

Hi, I don't mean to insult you (so I apologize in advance if I am) but perhaps you're being (overly) confident in your ability to defend yourself if your bf's anger escalates to a point of hurting you physically??

[Honey Pumpkin]

Just come back to this thread - I am worried about you, engaged kitty. Your initial post was worrying. Not just the breaking the present, but the nagging you about the presents, the controlling, the anger. It's like the two of you are locked in a relationship where treating each other like that (shouting etc) is the norm.

 

I would be scared, quite frankly, if someone did that. It's not what I'm used to - threatened violence is frightening, it's not about the gift, it's the fact that he would smash a gift he gave you over something as silly as you not telling him his present.

 

Honestly? If it were me I would leave him. Easier said than done, but ... I don't know. There are red flags here, great big waving red flags. I think you HAVE to get counselling together, and start to work on these issues, or I can't see it working. I honestly can't. As Annie says, you've got used to losing your possessions to violent men - that's just not normal

[hosswhispra]

EK-

 

There are many red flags in what you wrote in a previous threads:

 

 

 

Throwing and breaking things....hmmm...that does not sound good. He sounds very controlling (not letting you go alone to see your friends/manipulating you to come home). These some hallmark cues/signs to abusive behavior.

 

Usually these things do not get better. They grow worse/escalate over time. You're very young. I would advise you to contemplate your choice of a mate carefully.

 

hugs,

hosswhispra

[pregnantkitty_1985]

if he is "blanking out" (his own words!) while in a rage, what makes you think he will know not to hit you?

 

I don't know, but I don't really think he is blanking out. I think he's just saying that. I think it's more like he becomes so furious that he doesn't care what he breaks, but I still think even so, he knows better than to lay a hand on anyone.

[Ellie2006]

EngagedKitty,

 

I am sure you are fully competent to take care of yourself. Still, you cannot underestimate the damages that can be done by someone out of control from anger.

 

Please do not slight the severity of the situation.

 

Best wishes,

Ellie

[pregnantkitty_1985]

EngagedKitty,

 

Hi, I don't mean to insult you (so I apologize in advance if I am) but perhaps you're being (overly) confident in your ability to defend yourself if your bf's anger escalates to a point of hurting you physically??

 

Nah, I'm not insulted. Maybe I am being overly confident but I'm pretty strong for a girl. And he's got height on him but not a lot of width, he's skinny and I could armwrestle him and likely win.

 

This makes me sound like a big butch girl but I'm not; I'm just stronger than him. Now, with the average male I wouldn't be stronger, so I'm just lucky that he's skinny.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

One reason why I really like this site is the level of insight that people offer into my own character. I started realizing over everyone's shock about certain situations that I have become used to such types and that's probably why I just let it happen. My dad would break a lot of my stuff too (including a pricey stereo he got me for my birthday) and put holes in my walls. He was phsyically abusive too. I felt like there wasn't much I could do about it other than yell back at him.

 

I think counseling is a good idea, particularly for other unresolved issues too, but he doesn't.

[SarahRose]

This sounds like a terrible relationship. What exactly are you getting from it?

 

This certainly isn't any way to spend your life. If you don't do something to stop this cycle of abuse it will continue on for more generations. Just think how bad it would be if he did all that stuff in front of small children? Or had temper tantrums and broke his children's things.

 

I don't believe the blanking out bs for a second as I bet it has never happened on the job or at his parents or at church.

 

The guy is abusive right now and yes you are putting up with it. By staying you are basically saying to him, "hey it's ok to treat me and my things like garbage and I will keep staying with you."

 

My advice would be to find a domestic violence group to go to and learn how to break this cycle.

[Ellie2006]

EngagedKitty,

Hi. I understand what you mean but I don't think it has anything to do w/ size, unfortunately.

When someone blindsided by rage comes at you, your ability to defend yourself might not be enough.

 

If he is angry enough to break something you value and in that moment of anger, cannot see the ramifications of his actions, in a like manner, he may be too blinded by his anger if it ever escalates to a physical situation between you two.

[hosswhispra]

^ EK you can stop this familial cycle of abuse by leaving your current partner.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

EK-

 

There are many red flags in what you wrote in a previous threads:

 

 

 

Throwing and breaking things....hmmm...that does not sound good. He sounds very controlling (not letting you go alone to see your friends/manipulating you to come home). These some hallmark cues/signs to abusive behavior.

 

Usually these things do not get better. They grow worse/escalate over time. You're very young. I would advise you to contemplate your choice of a mate carefully.

 

hugs,

hosswhispra

 

Can't the cycle be stopped with mental health treatment, though? I know it's not an instantaneous sort of thing, like a bandaid slapped on a minor cut, but over time, progress could be made and the cycle can be stopped.

 

I could be wrong. My experience is that regardless, most people never change.

[Ellie2006]

EngagedKitty,

 

If you believe that most people never change (even w/ therapy), then would it be right to assume that you also believe your bf won't change his violent behavior as well?

 

If this is the case, why do you choose to stay with someone who has the potential to becoming violent towards you? Why keep yourself in this potentially dangerous situation?

[hosswhispra]

Can't the cycle be stopped with mental health treatment, though? I know it's not an instantaneous sort of thing, like a bandaid slapped on a minor cut, but over time, progress could be made and the cycle can be stopped.

 

I could be wrong. My experience is that regardless, most people never change.

 

Unfortunately EK, it's very RARE that they change. There is usually a honeymoon period after a blow up, then the tension builds again leading to another blow up and then the cycle repeats itself. I know it's tough but save yourself and your self esteem before he rips you down.

[SarahRose]

Can't the cycle be stopped with mental health treatment, though? I know it's not an instantaneous sort of thing, like a bandaid slapped on a minor cut, but over time, progress could be made and the cycle can be stopped.

 

I could be wrong. My experience is that regardless, most people never change.

 

The problem with abusers is that don't think they are doing anything wrong. It is always someone else or something else made them do it.

 

At some point in their life they gave themselves permission to abuse someone else; almost like they feel entitled.

 

There is an excellent book, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft.

[dogheadma]

I was in a relationship kind of like this once. She was very verbally and emotionally abusive towards me. I put up with it for an entire year, just for the completely ridiculous reason that I was "in love".

 

One day I left her alone at my place only to arrive home and find that she had taken the liberty of breaking some of my furnishings. I dumped her right there on the spot. Who knows what she could of been capable of doing had I stuck around long enough to find out. I didn't want to know.

 

Trust me, EG, you don't want to know either. This guy is bad news. He will take many things from you that are much more important than being in a relationship.

 

Things like your self-esteem, your identity, and your physical and mental well being.

 

Dump him now and don't look back. Do it for you.

[Luck of the Irish]

So, what DID you get him for Christmas?

 

Just kidding. It's a nice thought, but we both know he will never take the steps to get psychiatric help. I don't have any room to give advice on how to run a good relationship, so I'll do the right thing and give it anyway. The only thing you can do is tell him how you feel, and threaten to leave him if he can't pull himself out of "depression". What is so bad about his life that makes him so depressed?

[caro33]

Hello again my friend. On my long walk to my meeting on the other side of town I was thinking about how this might turn out and once again, hope you’ll be patient with the length and nagging nature of my post.

 

If you have the inclination, imagine yourself in this situation:

 

It’s three years from now. You married Mr Kitty because you gave him an ultimatum to behave himself, and you believed in the end that things were okay. He stopped breaking things, and you did not have any proof that he was otherwise misbehaving.

 

Two years ago you had a child, and had some tough times, because he wasn’t around as much as you expected he would be, and you felt isolated at home with the baby. He tried to help sometimes but he wasn’t really sure what to do. He got frustrated, but nothing happened that you felt you couldn’t handle. You ended up thinking that you were better off without his help sometimes anyway.

 

You now have a newborn, and the baby is really colicky, much more so than your two year old daughter was as an infant. You are surviving on very little sleep. Your husband’s job is also looking a bit unstable and he’s feeling antsy. One day he’s home from a long day and the cat gets under his feet, and he kicks it away, hard. You tell him off, and he starts yelling about what a hard day he’s had. The yelling triggers off the baby, who had just gone to sleep, and your husband gets more upset. He’s stressed from no sleep and he’s screaming at you for having trapped him in this situation. He starts throwing things – he just broke your favourite vase (you got it two years ago when your firstborn came into the world). Your two year old is in the room and starts screaming also, she’s terrified. You are clutching the baby and grabbing for your terrified two year old, and your husband is approaching with a wild look in his eye.

 

How does this make you feel? What happens next? Because kitty, again I’m sorry, but this is a potential future for you. I don’t think I’ve made it too unrealistic from what you’ve told us. I haven't even built in those awful things that happen to people like money problems, unemployment, medical conditions. Your guy does not have coping mechanisms, and I’m not sure they can be transplanted into him. Even if he develops them it will always be a struggle, and if things get tough you won’t be able to predict things.

 

You say you can stick up for yourself physically, and that’s good. (Having said that, I cannot for the life of me imagine me having to say that about a relationship, that is, even getting to the point where I need to say that.) But what I’m trying to point out is that what’s ‘good enough’ for you now, may not even be sustainable on that level later. How will you protect yourself and any children you have? If you decide to leave in that position, where will you go and how will you afford to live?

 

What messages do you want to send your children? If you are completely honest with yourself – if you progressed down the path of being with Mr Kitty, what will that mean not only for your future, but for those you bring into the world?

 

Having said that, and while this relationship of yours is really concerning to me, it's your life. I am always aware that I am treading a thin line, feel free to tell me if I have crossed it.

[Hope75]

I can tell you from experience that I would never, ever want to be in a relationship again where being able to stick up for myself physically was a real concern. My ex fiance that I was with for 5 years at your age started out with breaking things and punching walls too. Then he realized that I was softer and easier to punch. I'm here now by the Grace of God and my own two eyes opening enough to realize the danger of my situation before it was too late for me. And we started out JUST EXACTLY like you and your fiance.

 

I think this situation is far more unhealthy and dangerous than you think it is.

[caro33]

Kitty, Hope's message is clear, and I would take it extremely seriously.

 

Hope, what a terrible situation to be in, I hope it is all well, well in the past for you. Congrats on mod status by the way .

[Rabican]

all I can say is I hope the 'engaged' part of your username is some sort of cooincedence or random series of letters that happens to spell engaged... but doesnt really mean engaged. This guy sounds like a jerk. I would order him a lump of coal, or get him a bucket of worms from the bait store for christmas. He broke your gift, dont go all out on him. And tell him to get some anger management counselling or your gonna bail.