She baited me

[dnozzle]

...and I fell for it.

 

She emailed me to tell me that she was very proud of my grades. Like an idiot, I replied with "thank you. How are you doing?"

 

Since then, nothing.

 

I am putting this here as a reminder to myself not to fall for this again. I have moved her email address to my spam list, and will not check that folder AT ALL until I am completely over her. I am setting a date of July 1 for that, just as an arbitrary date.

 

To anyone in a similar situation, DO NOT FALL FOR THIS TRAP! I was feeling good about myself before this happened. I was letting go. And now I am right back at square 1. Thinking about her. Wondering how she is. Wanting to plead with her to talk to me. It is just not worth that. If someone has broke it off with you, let them go for real. Put them out of your heart and out of your life.

 

It really is the only way to get through this.

[arwen]

Hey dnozzle,

 

I just want to say, you are NOT back at square one because of this. It feels like a mistake, but it's natural to respond to an attempt for contact by the ex. Your reply was short and not needy at all. It feels like a setback today, but I am sure you will feel better tomorrow, you didn't contact her any further and I think the 'How are you doing' can easily be interpreted as a rethorical 'polite' response.

 

And now you know, next time, you just won't reply.

 

Just for consolation, lol, my ex used to use everything major he heard about me as an excuse to contact me (he broke up with me several times and ended up having an emotional affair and is now together with... yeah, THAT girl). So when I met a new guy, ding-dong, an email from the ex. We stayed in touch and I re-lived the nasty pain again, I stopped replying, a year later I graduate, and there the phone rings if I want to go for coffee. I think sure, why not, hell it has been more than a 1.5 years since we split, and again the memory of pain.

 

So I decided not to reply anymore from that moment on. Next I got my PhD position and he emailed again, all 'proud' of me and implicitly asking about my (love) life, blah! I never responded to that last one and it has been quiet ever since. I wonder if his next attempt will be when I'd get married or start living together... (will ask mutual friends to spread the word if that were the case, lol)

 

Don't worry too much, we all at times did this and LEARNED from it!! Keep the good work going, and do something nice for yourself today. Buy a great album and listen to it. Go for beers with friends. See a movie.

 

Ilse

 

PS. Good job on the grades

[Lady Bugg]

D.....are you sure she READ your email?? Maybe she didn't get it yet?

If she has...disregard the question

[dnozzle]

Yes, I am sure she read it. She works with computers all day and can hardly stay off them at night. She obsessively checks her email, so I am sure she got it.

 

Not that it matters. The fact that I SENT it at all is the problem. When a response didn't come within minutes like it used to, I felt all the old pain creeping back up again. She was still in control, and I hated it.

 

The hardest part for me in letting go was never getting any sort of explanation or closure. She never did give any sort of reason for breaking up, other than not being ready to be entrenched in a relationship and that she is currently depressed and in denial about that fact. If she would just come on out and tell me that she doesn't love me anymore, I could take that and deal with it. But she keeps throwing out these signals that it is just an issue of timing, and that she does still have feelings for me. That is why it is just no good for me to have any contact with her at all right now. I figure if she really did love me, she wouldn't have thrown me out like trash in the first place, or at least would not have done so without an explanation.

[Lady Bugg]

I know what you mean D....waiting for that reply...ESPECIALLY if you would get them right away when things were still good. Ugh.....it hurts I know.

I think sending her mail to the spam folder is a good idea for now..and will keep you from obsessively checking to see if she has mailed you.

I've done the same thing.

 

Hang in there....

[papalazarou]

she is currently depressed and in denial about that fact

 

Thats a bummer man. At least mine knows it and is taking the right medication for it!

[dnozzle]

Yeah she is in serious denial right now. She has had a December depression for at least the last 4 years, and has steps she uses to fight it (diet, exercise, sun lamps, etc) but this year it isn't working for her. Depression runs in her family, and she was medicated once many years ago for it and will only go back to that as a last resort. I thought about sending her one last email, pointing out to her that she is in one of her depressive cycles and should seek help, but that wouldn't do any good. She isn't hearing anything I say.

 

So I will let it go.

 

I also thought about sending a short email saying "do not contact me again until you are ready to have a two way conversation" but that would also just be more contact. So I am initiating NC on my own now. It is for ME. Not for HER.

[papalazarou]

I feel for you D I really do. Its really crap that she wont goback on the medication. Mine did try without then it started to creep back in so she had no choice but to go back on the medication.

 

She tried to fight it and failed.

[dnozzle]

She replied:

 

I am better. Considering some meds to even things out,

but overall okay.

 

I worry and care about you deeply.

 

 

Should I respond?

 

I want to say I don't want her care or worry. Just her love.

[dnozzle]

Well I replied that I was on meds now (in the spirit of disclosure) and that they are helping me a lot...and not to worry about me.

 

That's all.

[papalazarou]

Do you want to reconcile D? Its seems from other posts that you are mighty pissed off with her...what with not thanking for presents and stuff.

 

I have to say at least mine apologised...eventually.

[dnozzle]

You know, I have been thinking a lot about this lately. One thing NC gives you is plenty of time to think.

 

I am starting to think that I don't want to reconcile with her. This whole thing came about because she was slipping into a depression and was unwilling to deal with it, and because I wasn't, and still wanted to plan a future with her. Instead of getting help, or even telling me she didn't want to discuss the future right now until she felt better, she tossed me out with the trash. And she did that knowing full well how much it hurts, since that is exactly what her ex did to her. She wouldn't even talk to me about it. She broke up with me in an email, and added that it was her final decision and that nothing I could do or say would change her mind.

 

Also during my time of thinking, I am realizing that we were just not that great together. She treated me like crap pretty much the whole time, taking all I had to give but giving very little except excuses and hostility in return. I didn't even see it at the time because I was so wrapped up in the relationship, but now I see it crystal clear.

 

I am also realizing that she is just way too immature for me. She is very mature intellectually, moreso than I am in many ways, but emotionally she is still very much a child. She is way more interested in drowning her problems in alcohol than facing it and dealing with her issues. She has surrounded herself with a group of "friends" who are a very bad influence on her, and I think they are behind a lot of this. Most of them are either divorced or in the middle of a divorce, and they go out every weekend drinking until dawn, until they can barely stand, and badmouthing the men in their lives and actually throw divorce parties when one of them gets un-hitched.

 

I think she was right in what she wrote to me in the breakup email. She is stupid. She is throwing away the best thing she has going for her, and her future.

 

If she ever does come back, I really don't know how I will handle it. But lately I am thinking that I won't be too open to the idea of reconciliation. I am worth more than she was willing to give, and I suspect that I am worth more than she will ever be willing to give. So I guess some of that will be up to her, should that day ever come.

 

I'm not waiting for that day anymore though. I am moving on with my life. I am working on me and putting my life back together. I am done worrying or caring about what she wants or needs.

 

This is about me now.

[papalazarou]

I would agree D it doesnt sound too good mate.

 

There were quite a few similarities between our two situations I too thought that she was immature emotionally (26 but with two kids, im 34) and that some of her "friends" were parasites. Especially one who not only was a parasite on our relationship but also his answer to everything was have some more class A's.

 

Thankfully she now thinks that people that do indulge are pathetic now...but I had to remind her it wasnt long ago when she would be joining in. I dont by the way.

 

However I am taking things slowly as one of my mates says "you never know when the devil might sh1t in your kettle".

 

I did get treated like crap and there was hotsility and some of my mates saw this but I chose to persevere. However she has since apologised and Im prepared to draw a line under it.

 

She has also decided that she needs a new job as again that was a major fact for her depressing cycle...the work AND the people including the parasite above.

 

If anything goes wrong though then it will be strict NC all the way and there will be no chance of a reconciliation.

[dnozzle]

That is really spooky. Mine was 27 with 2 kids, and I am 35.

 

So many similarities there.

[Ripples]

Both your experiences are extremely similar to mine. Red flags during the relationship that for some inexplicable reason I failed to noticed.

 

Initially I was put on a pedastal but over a period of two years she devalued me to the point where I had no self esteem and didn't know what to do to make her happy. I was walking on eggshells. Finally she ended the relationship but has over the past two years strung me along with words. She "misses me, cares for me and even loves me" but just will not follow up. The fog that she has created has been very painful.

 

As a result of this emotional abuse I started looking into why she would behave like this and that is when I found the world of persoanlity disorders. For sure I dont know if she is ill to this degree but without doubt she fits the character of someone suffering from a "Cluster B" type disorder.

 

I suggest you research this a little if you haven't already done so as it may throw a little light on the type of people you have been dealing with.

 

Relationships with people suffering from something like this are incredibly painful because of the push/pull nature. You have no idea where you stand and that is where the pain comes from. It is referred to as being "D&D'd" which means devalued and then discarded. This "dance" which they control is never ending until the time that the abused (you) finally realises that they (you) must end it.

 

You both talk about NC. In reality you both know that it is the end and you both know that only you can end it. I did and it is incredibly painful to tell someone who you love dearly to stay away. It is an illogical and unnatural thing to do but unfortunately if they are disordered then they are illogical and unnatural people. We have been duped and fell in love with something that never existed.

 

What we must do is try to better understand why it is that we have allowed people to treat us this way. That is the issue you should be discussing and focussing on. "You" can only fix "you". You can't fix them.

 

Just a thought

[dnozzle]

Great post, Ripples.

 

What you said is true. I have realized it is over, and have let it go. Since doing that, since that very moment that I made the decision to let it go, I have felt better. Each new day gets better and better. I have new insights into why things were not good between us, and new reasons why they never would be again.

 

In addition to that, I am rediscovering who I am as a person. I was entrenched so deeply in this relationship that I lost myself for a while. But I am back now. I am in school, meeting interesting people, and even signed up for a painting class I have always thought about taking. I went there just to have fun, but met some really nice people there too, including one very nice lady who flirted with me twice last week, and is going out with me tonight.

 

So yes, things do get easier once you let go. But you have to let go for real. Abandon all hope of ever hearing from them again, and then you may be ready to finally move on.

[mcnani]

that situation (the ex throwing u out with the trash after someone did the same thing to them and not caring how you feel about it) is similar to mine... and you're so right.... today i took a step toward letting go which is abandoning all hope when there is none... he walked out and i have no reason to hope he cares or even CARE if he cares.... time to care about myself and how i'll feel better tomorrow... sounds like you're doing a good job DNozzle!!

[dnozzle]

Thanks. I do appreciate it.

 

I am doing very well. Started ding well almost from the very moment I decided to let the ex go for real. My mind cleared instantly and I started to finally see the things that were wrong with us, and not just what was right.

 

I also started getting ready to try again. I got back out there just to meet people, and found that because I had started to love and respect myself again, people responded to that. I met so many fun and interesting people that it made my head spin, including one really nice lady that I have been seeing for about a week now.

 

In a way, I am very grateful to my ex for doing this. If she had not broken up with me, I don't think I would have ever realized on my own just how unhappy I was in that relationship. I would have kept giving all that I had to give until I was empty inside. I still can't ever forgive the way she went about it, but I really am starting to see the silver lining in my situation.

 

I am happy again.

[dnozzle]

Oh, I forgot to mention that the ex has called twice since yesterday. Once she just hung up and the second time she left a short message asking if I was ok and why she hasn't heard from me.

 

Hey, she asked for space. I gave it.

 

Some people are just never happy.