Celibacy

[veneratio]

So, I made a post a few days ago about my relationship with my girlfriend. How the sex just stopped because of her desire to be a better person for god and how I was having trouble dealing with it.

 

I found a solution, as the title says, but I know it's going to be a hard road. Has anyone ever tried being celibate for a period of time? Even if you haven't, do you have any suggestions on how to deal with it? I really want to make our relationship work and I don't want to end it over sex, so any help is appreciated.

[Dako]

Most people are celibate when they don't have sex.

It's a huge club.

 

Eventually, you or your gf will have sex.

Just hope you're together.

[veneratio]

what? why would we have sex with other people if we're still together?

[pregnantkitty_1985]

First I want to commend you for not ending it over sex. That's an admirable quality.

 

Secondly, I want to say one word: Masturbation. That's how you deal. I have never been celibate but I imagine that is how one would deal with celibacy.

 

Out of curiosity, have you two stopped all relations all together? By that I mean, is it a no kissing/touching/recieving handjobs/blowjobs sort of thing? Or has she forgone everything? If she's still doing that sort of stuff, but not sex, well, you could still get off that way. That's another way to deal, besides masturbation.

[Dako]

what? why would we have sex with other people if we're still together?

 

See how celibacy works over time.

I know two married guys who've been celibate for years and years.

Both are miserable and tempted to cheat, if they haven't already.

Both love their wives.

 

I understand being devoted, and I'd probably attempt the same thing, but over time, it may be pretty hard to separate sexual frustration from frustration with her.

 

I wish you luck.

[doyathink]

Dako, you made me laugh so hard with your first post.....I agree.lol

 

It's hard to make a relationship last for a lengthy period without any form of sex.........for some.

[veneratio]

I tried masturbation and it doesn't work It sort of makes it worse cause I know what I'm missing out on.

 

And yes, she's stopped everything. Nothing sexual at all.

 

It's not something I'll have to continue when we're married. Just for a couple of years until we are married. I'm not going to cheat on her or be tempted to cause it's not the sex I miss, just the connection with her, and I've never been comfortable messing around with girls I didn't know.

 

great edit by the way.

[Jjasonn28]

Hey.

 

When I was with my ex, the same thing happened. We were sexually active, then one day, it just stopped. For a while, I thought perhaps it was the stress of school, and I shrugged it off, not worrying too much about it.

 

But as time went on, I obviously started to worry. We had a couple talks about it, which lead to her uneasily dancing around the problem, and me though a little frustrated, ignoring the issue.

 

Then one evening, (roughly a year later) we finally had a long talk about it. It turned out she had been building her relationship with god in secret, afraid that because of my beliefs, I wouldn't be able to deal with it, or understand it. Along with that, it was a long distance relationship with her being in university in another city. Because of that distance, and not being able to see eachother very often, it was easy to have that problem go 'unnocticed'. We were happy to be spending time with eachother, and that was more than good enough for me.

 

The important thing is that you communicate with her. If she has decided that she wants to buil her relationship with god, than you have to respect that. If you love her, than that should be enough. I know its difficult, having been able to express feelings through sexual activity, and now not having that form of expression. I've been through it.

 

If its something you think you can not handle, then you need to let her know that, and perhaps move on yourself. Personally, the thought didn't cross my mind once. And in dealing with a little insecurity at first, and slowely but surely working on our communication, I realized that I loved her beyond any doubt.

 

Can you spend time with her, enjoy her company, have fun with her and continue to love her without sexual expression? Or is it something that you are having a real hard time dealing with?

 

Remember though, its not only about what she wants. You are in it to be happy too..

[pregnantkitty_1985]

I tried masturbation and it doesn't work It sort of makes it worse cause I know what I'm missing out on.

 

And yes, she's stopped everything. Nothing sexual at all.

 

It's not something I'll have to continue when we're married. Just for a couple of years until we are married. I'm not going to cheat on her or be tempted to cause it's not the sex I miss, just the connection with her, and I've never been comfortable messing around with girls I didn't know.

 

great edit by the way.

 

What do you mean it doesn't work, you can't orgasm by masturbating? Or do you mean that you can, but it's just not the same as real sex? Feel free to ignore this question if you want, but I'm only asking so I can help advise you.

 

I'm very glad to hear that you're not going to cheat and won't be tempted to cheat. It's refreshing and relieving to hear someone say that, when I've seen so many posts about "She won't give it up! How do I get her to do it, or should I just dump her!!" or "I am having an affair because I'm not being sexually fulfilled!" and etc.

[aymee_lee]

I think you are doing a good thing by trying to figure this out and not just breaking it off because she no longer wants to have pre marital sex.

 

If this were me, though, I think I would break it off, or at least seriously consider where the relationship was going. And it has nothing to do with sex.

 

I am not a religious person. I have friends who are, and I respect and admire thier faith. But personally, I think if my bf felt so strongly about his faith in god as to stop having sex (especially if he had already had sex, and was not always saving himself) then our relationship probably wouldn't work anyway as I am not religious and I don't plan to be. I think his strong faith would just clash too much with my lack of faith. But I'm not sure of your situation, so you may be more comfortable with that than I am.

[veneratio]

Thanks for the reply jason, I needed to read something positive. I totally respect her decision to build a stronger relationship with god. And yeah, I can definitely enjoy being around her and loving her without sex, which is why I want to deal with it rather than let her go. It's just tough dealing with at first. I'm actually somewhat happy about it, for awhile I felt like we were having too much sex and not communicating enough, and that was mostly on her part. So I am happy, I think what bothers me the most is feeling somewhat rejected, and that's something I have to work on.

 

As for the masturbation part, it doesn't work cause it's not just sex that I want and miss, it's the connection that brought us closer. And masturbation doesn't give me that. Plus, the main purpose for me is to free myself from my sex drive, so no masturbation.

 

I'm not a very religious person either aymee, but I do consider myself to be christian. I don't agree with certain things that most christians do. Like pre marital sex. What are gays supposed to do? Just not have sex cause they can't get married?We argued about that last night cause of the celibacy deal..but hopefully we don't clash too much. I'm comfortable with it, but I just don't appreciate being preached too. I'm sure it can work if she stops being so stubborn. I have friends who are completely happy with their relationships and they're exact opposites of their mates when it comes to certain things. One's atheist, his girlfriend is christian or catholic..can't remember..but they're perfectly happy. One's straight edge, his girl drinks. Might sound pretty small, but definitely not. I give kudos to him cause I could never date a girl into drugs when I'm not. Sorry to ramble.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

I guess you will have to find other ways to connect on a deep level, Veneratio. I understand what you mean now. I'm trying to think of ways you could do so but I'm a loss for ideas... I'll come back to this thread when I come up with some valuable input.

[veneratio]

well, thanks for trying kitty

[HeckaBekah]

I think your girlfriend is amazing for doing this and I can see how much you love her because you have a desire to stand by her side even in times you do not understand such as this. I myself am actually a virgin and am waiting until marriage.

 

Do not try to change her, if you do not think you can go through this, do as Jason said and communicate exactly what is going through your mind.

 

There are so many reasons why people choose to be celibate. Learn more about why she is doing this and I think you'll both end up seeing more positive reasons for being celibate.

 

Coming from a perspective from a Christian who is also a virgin, it seems as though she is not only doing this for God, herself, but for you. I know its hard to see, my ex couldn't see this and failed to communicate with me and because of that for so long it was hard for me to understand why he ended the relationship. Perhaps you can communicate with her about this and if you are also Christian ask God to guide you in the understanding of why she is choosing to be celibate.

[itsallgrand]

Ready for another perspective?

 

I think your gf is pulling some real stunt with cutting you off completely 'in order to be closer to god'.

 

Her choice, obviously, what she does with her body and what convictions she chooses to hold.

 

However,what consideration for you has she shown? Did she think of how it would affect you and the relationship?

 

Did she address your concerns and the impact it will make - short term and long term - in the relationship? Has she done anything to make the transition easier?

 

She is asking a lot. Frankly, I find it a bit selfish and sharp of a choice to make and to expect you - the bf - to just go along with it all smiles and with no fighting involved!

 

Have you brought this up to you....how it is affecting you? How you feel distance growing and a loss of connection to her?

 

It isn't just about the sex, because you have said you feel a loss of connection.

That is huge. That can cause big ol' problems in the relationship.

Maybe not next week, but soon enough. And worse yet....it won't be talked about or worked through because you will be treading around trying not to offend her or question her choice.

 

You have the right to question and speak about her choice! Because it is not only her that it impacts. A relationship is 2 people.

 

good luck...

[Paper Tiger]

I believe sex is extremely important to a healthy relationship. I builds a connection and is an excellent stress reliever. Going for too long without sex can make you pissy and even make you grow to resent her. As for getting closer to God, everyone goes about that in a different way. I have practiced tantric meditational sex with past girlfriends and I know I felt a connection to some higher power during.

[veneratio]

Thanks for the reply Bekah. There isn't really too much to learn about though, all she can really say is that it says it's wrong in the bible and she wants to wait until marriage. How is she doing it for me though?

 

and yeah itsallgrand, she hasn't really shown me any consideration, it's nice for someone to finally realize that. She hasn't asked me about it, helped me deal with it, nothing. I try talking to her about how I feel, but she says she doesn't feel distant and that she still feels just as close to me as before. I'll try talking to her again though, thanks for the reply.

 

I agree with you Tiger, it builds a connection and is a great stress reliever. But I don't think she can understand the stress relieving or how it can make you pissy. Most of my girl friends I talked to couldn't understand that, but all of the guys did, so I think it's more of a guy thing. Thanks for the reply.