hello

[deadinside2]

I have been with my husband for 11 years, we meet when I was 15 years old and he was 23 years old. He is very abusive, last month I left him but I had to come back because I had nowhere else to go/no money. I have been extremely sick physically and mentally, I just feel exhausted, I can't take being in this relationship anymore but I have no self esteem or energy to leave anymore and he has been yelling at me, saying that I'm delusional and I feel like all of my neighbours think that I am, they won't even talk to me and I have heard some of them say that I have problems but yet they all talk to him. I'm so ashamed because when he yells at me, he says things like I'm a liar, a * * * *, a * * * * *, delusional(he has only been saying that I'm delusional since I came back) and whatever else he can think off. He will say things and later when I ask him why he said it, he will say that he didn't say it, I did. Why is he doing this to me?

 

I have a job interview on Tuesday and he has already started saying stuff like "watch out for all the guys because they will try and get with you" when I told him about the interview he had a pissed off look on his face, I really am afraid that he will go nuts again and bash me so I can't go to the interview, I had to leave my last job because of the embarrassment of turning up to work with black eyes etc I haven't worked since then and I was 17 years old at the time. I ring up a place to see if I could get counselling and when I told him that I did, he said why would you believe anything they say, if I am delusional and mentally unwell, like he says, why wouldn't he be happy that I ring up to get counselling?

 

The worse thing I ever did was leave him, now he is being more abusive then before and extremely controlling, he has been saying stuff like "your like a child, you never do what your told" and now if a guy looks at me for too long when we are out, he says that he is going to say something to them, which makes me extremely anxious, I don't even want to leave my house anymore but I have to try and get a job to get money so I can leave him, how am I going to do that when I have no self esteem, I don't talk to people much because I don't want to be excused of being a * * * * * or him pressuring me into sleeping with them, why does he try to get me to sleep with other men, when he acts jealous of me?

 

He has been trying to get me to sleep with other men while he watches for over 5 years now and I done it but when he gets mad at me he yells out that I'm a * * * * and I fcuked this guy, all of my neighbours would hear this because he is extremely loud when he yells at me, like he wants them to hear. God knows what he has been saying about me because he even puts me down to other people when I am right there. I'm sorry if my post doesn't make any sense, thank you for reading.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi there,

 

I'm at work so can't respond in detail - please leave him now. Do you have a women's refuge you can go to? There are people who will be able to help you - you don't have to stay with him.

 

If you want to PM me about where you stay, I'll look up things in your area that will be able to help. You must leave - I can't stress that strongly enough. Please don't stay - you're doubting everything because he is being so abusive. You must leave.

 

Keep writing here, please. Take care.

[Ash]

You need to get away from this guy permanently, but I understand how difficult this may seem and may be for you.

 

You have the right to live a much better life, and he does not have the right to do the things he does.

 

You've identified that he is extremely controlling and it sounds like he is getting worse.

 

Please consider taking up Honey Pumpkin on her offer (PM is a private message on the bulletin board if you're wondering).

 

Are there children? If not, it may be easier to move to a different town to get away. Money, jobs, all that aside, I do feel the most important thing is to get away and protect yourself from him. That's the first step, then you will be able to start the task of building yourself a better life.

 

Please be as safe as you can be, but at the same time something has to be done to leave him permanently.

[Anotherday]

I am no example of knowing what to do when I find myself in a bad relationship, but I recently quit my job at a domestic violence shelter (there's some irony there, for you). I would have loved for someone in your situation to come and stay there, as that is why we were there (they still are). I can't tell you how gratifying it was to see someone who was true DV leave an abuser and get help.

 

I agree with the others. You need to get out. You have been brainwashed by him over many years. No wonder you have low self esteem and feel overwelmed. I would too. Abusers typically do not change, as most just blame everything on the abused as if they (the abusers) have no issues. The ONLY way this relationship would have a chance is if he were to admit to his abusive behavior and get help. Honestly, the odds are stacked against that.

 

If going to a shelter seems like too big of a step, there are DV support groups and, within my former organization, we offered free one-on-one counseling sessions. If you PM me, I can see what I can find out for you in your area.

[auntb]

I was in a very physically abusive relationship myself for 7 years. It's easy to say get out,when you're on the outside of the situation. I'm not saying that you shouldn't get out,by all means,please get out! But it's so hard when you're in the middle of it.I quit fighting one day and just waited on him to kill me.I decided enough bruises and broken bones,etc. was enough and if he didn't kill me, I'd run. Obviously, he didn't kill me.Thanks to some really true friends and most of my family and a wonderful therapist,I'm so much better! Pleas don't let it get worse.Don't be afraid to ask for help! It's out there. I hope you are alright. There are people who care!

[Gracelove]

Hey There!!!

My name is Grace, and I've been in an abusive relationship before, so I think I might be able to help.

Your boyfriend is never going to want you to get counseling (even though he pretty much refers to you as a mental case).

He knows you're not crazy or delusional. He is doing his best to break you down mental so that he can control you.

He is probably telling your neighbors lies about your mental condition, simply so you won't feel like you can turn to them for help.

He wants you too feel like he's everywhere, that's he's omnipresent, sees and knows everything. He wants you to be so fearful that you never try to seek help or escape.

Naturally he is more abusive and controlling towards you since you've returned.

He wants to punish you so badly that you never comtemplate leaving him again.

He was probably so afraid when you left, and when he got you back I'm sure he promised himself that he wouldn't let you get away again.

I know you're embarrased about going to work with bruises.

And you're right. He'll probably beat you before your interview so that you won't go.

I'm sure he knows that money=independence.

And the last thing he wants is for you to be independent.

Have you ever thought about calling an abuse hotline? Is there a pay phone that you can access?

I'm sure your boyfriend goes to work right?

That's a time you can seek help for yourself until you're strong enough to leave (although I know you're probably so exhausted right now that you don't even want to think about leaving again).

He wants you to sleep with other men in front of him so that he has a justified reason to call you a "w****". He wants to hang extreme guilt and shame over your head. He wants power over you at any cost, including any fidelity you share with him.

I know you may have a hard time keeping thing from him. Right now he may be the only person you feel close to, or that you have any type of relationship with.

You may even rely on him to help you feel better from time to time.

You may look to him for love and encouragement even though you know that's unlikely.

I would definitely suggest that you seek help from anyone trust worthy.

Do you have any family?

You should try the abuse hotline definitely.

This guy you slept with, was this a random stranger?

Is it one of his friends?

Is it someone you may be able to reach out to for help? Normally I wouldn't suggest it, but if he was a half-way decent person maybe you could reach out to him for help (desperate times call for desperate measures).

Do you have any male cousins? Sometimes it helps to have a male who can match your abuser in strength. If you ever need to remove your things out of the house later having a strong male there could be helpful.

I hope things get better for you.

[Ash]

Any updates on this? I see you haven't posted on the thread again and I'm hoping everything is okay.

[sonjam]

Deadinside2 I hope you are ok. Please let us know, as we take special interest in you and worry! We are all here if you need to discuss anything, need and ear to listen, or a plan.

 

Stay strong!

[Chante]

Deadinside2

You had no place to go what about your parents house I'm sure they live in state with you or if they are moved away you need to go stay with them. Don't continue to let him call you a * * * * or a * * * * * because that is bringing your Self Esteem down and he's gaining more power because you're letting him do that to you. You need to get some Help Hun Go to the Police get a Restriction against him.

[deadinside2]

I'm sorry it has taken me so long to reply. First I just want to say thankyou all for taking the time to reply to my thread and your advice (it did help)

 

I went and seen my doctor for help for my depression and anxiety and I have been educating myself on abusive relationships (there is alot of good information on Dr Irene verbal abuse website). I have been saving money for when I leave (thankfully, that will be in 4 weeks). I have been detaching from him and no longer does he have the power to make me feel bad about myself, I have realised that some of the stuff he says is about him not me. My life is looking better each day that passes and soon I will be far away from him. Thankyou all again

[Laura11111]

Hi there,

ALL of the stuff he says is about him, not you. He has the psychological problem!!! I'm proud of you for going to your doctor for help and I'm so happy to hear that you are educating yourself about abusive relationships. Getting out and never talk to him again. Be excited about your new life without him. Imagine all of the freedom and joy you will experience

[wandy27]

good luck.........