Please help! I am so confused!!!

[krnelson2]

Ok for you all to understand I must give you the whole story so hang in there.

Me and my ex have been together for 5 years this coming january. We were high school sweathearts and were very much in love until 2 years ago when I asked for a "break". I was really afraid of the committment we had with each other and I just needed time to think. I never talked about dating other people and I didnt want to. We still saw each other regularly and hung out and talked as if we were dating. But that label of boyfriend/girlfriend was not there. We slept together regularly and had a healthy relationship. However whenever she would ask what we were, I replied, I dont know. About a month and a half ago she asked to "talk". She said she wanted to see other people. In all honesty this came out of the blue. We always seemed very happy together and she seemed happy too. She told me that the last two years of not knowing what we were hurt her too much and that she needed space and possibly wanted to date other people to see if she could ever have feeling for me again. So theres the background. Now the confusing part. I know she still has feeling for me. She told me she still love me but "isnt in love with me right now" She has told me that she wants our relationship to work, but just wants to be friends now. She has been hanging out with a guy from her work a lot and his friends are really pressuring her to get together with him in a relationship. She told me she is not ready for that but is not ruling it out completely in the future. We still talk regularly but she doesnt want to talk about us cause she feels we are going in circles. I have told her exactly how I feel and I have tried to tell her everyday that I love her. I truly want to marry this girl. Everyone has always told me that we are meant to be together and I always believed it. But it seems that she is just waiting for time to sort things out and not working on rekindling what we had in the past. I know that she needs space but it is so hard for me to keep my feeling bottled up inside cause i have done it for too long. I have asked her for a second chance to show her I have changed and her reply is always "i cant do that right now". I need some help here cause I dont know what to do. I am not willing to stand back and let the girl of my dreams of 5 years walk out of my life like this. Im worried about this new guy. She tells me they are just friends but he has been being very friendly to her online recently. She was my first real relationship, my first kiss, and the only person i have ever loved. This has hurt me so much, and it hurts her to see me this way too. I just dont understand why she wont give me a second chance before dating someone else and getting hurt again. I appreciate any help anyone can give me. Especially from anyone who has been in this situation before. There are still feelings between us she is just afraid that things will go back to how they were before. I have told her all of this and she just crys everytime we talk. What do I do?

[in_the_mirror]

so i'm confused....for two years you weren't together but kinda were? because you didn't know what you wanted?

[flyer]

Hi there.

 

I can relate to your situation. My BF of 5 years and I separated in August this year, we also have shared alot of firsts together including buying a house together. We were basically stuck in a rut in our relationship, we both honestly thought things were completely over between us even though we both saw each a couple of times a week and were still good friends, everything was very amicable. So basically I thought the only thing to do if I do love him is to let him go and do what he likes and if he comes back, he comes back if he doesn't well we will both get over it and move on. I wasn't sure if I still loved him for a while there and I also slept with other guys just to see that it was him I really wanted to be with, it took me a while to realise that it was him I wanted to be with! He was also the same, realised that he wanted to be with me. So we decided in early Novemeber to take things slow with one another to make sure we both want the same things, everything has been going perfectly, we have been having the time of our lives together, things were really put into perspective. Just last weekend we had the most awesome time togther, for the first time in months the big Love word came out and now things are just perfect! We spent hours just chatting. I have never, ever felt this good about 'us' in the whole 5 years we had been together! It was amazing and we are now closer than ever, I have never been this close to anyone.. it is truly amazing

 

 

So my advice to you is to let your partner go, if you love them you will do that. I know it is as hard as hell, but believe me it will be for the best. Dont wait around forever, but do keep that door open, tell them that really tell them that. I did and it worked, and I really hope things will work out for you. Goodluck with it all, and please keep us posted..

[krnelson2]

Wow its sounds like you went through that exact situation that I am going through. I am really trying to give her space, I really am, and I have told her that I would wait for her. How easy is it to be friends though if you know the other person is with someone else? That seems like it would be really difficult. Especially if I see she is being hurt and theres nothing i can do about it, I dont know if I could be around for that. I am glad you replied though, at least I know there is hope! Thanks

[flyer]

If you can remain open with one another it does help a great deal. Be honest about who each of you are seeing etc. It is hard at first to get past the whole jealousy thing, but it does get easier and you learn to accept that each of you are your own person and you can do what ever you like.

 

5 years is alot to throw away, if you have to do this to save your relationship - then do it. It will take time, but hopefully things will work themselves out. Be patient, but don't lose who you are. Learn to be yourself for a while and you will be a better person for it.

 

Life is too short not to take these chances!

[krnelson2]

Another Question. I think in my situation NC would be more detrimental than helpful because she says she want to be friends and still talk, but should I keep reminding her how i feel and telling her that I love her? Will that help do you think. I try and tell her something nice everyday that will make her feel special. Are these things helping her at all or just making it harder on her? I feel that if i leave things alone and dont tell her that i still have feelings for her that it will make it that much easier to walk away. Thanks for all the advice so far.

[krnelson2]

Exactly. When we broke up we were still good friends and after awhile things went back to normal, but I never told her how I felt and when she asked what we were, I didnt really know how to answer it. It seemed like she wanted to spend time with her friends and have fun so I didnt want a serious relationship to get in the way of that. You have to understand my personality in the past though, I was not able to express my love and emotions to anyone, not just her. Its just the way I was. But now I have changed and she doesnt want to give me a chance to show her that.

[AnonymousMG]

I know how you feel, I have a similar situation, I was with a girl for almost 4 years, and she broke up with me because she said she needed time to be alone, and she wanted to figure out what she wanted. She told me that there was another guy that she was thinking about. Recently she told me that she wanted to try being with this guy. That was last sunday and since then it has been NC. It's the hardest thing in the world, and I feel like it's the wrong thing to do but it hurt me so much to think of her being with somebody else. I have all the same feelings, she was my first kiss, love, etc. just like your situation. Unfortunately I'm still in the middle of the situation so I have no real advice based on the outcome, but I want you to know that you're aren't alone in this matter, and I understand how difficult things can be. I'm not sure about you, but I have trouble NOT imagining the future being like some corny love movie when everything magically works out somehow. I know that I shouldn't think that because there's no way to know what's going to happen and getting my hopes up may only be hurting me, but I can't help it. There is a song by three days grace that I recently hurt on the radio called 'pain'

 

"Pain, without love

Pain, I can't get enough

Pain, I like it rough

'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all"

 

Thats about how I feel lately, it hasn't been even a week yet and I feel like I'm about to break NC. Good luck in your situation, and I'll keep you posted on what happens with mine so that you can have something to relate to.

[krnelson2]

Thats exactly how I feel too. I cant help but think that this whole thing is a big joke and that it will all be good in the end. I am starting to realize the whole situation and have started to respect myself a little more and love myself. I think that it is necessary. I still send her messages everyday but i am not overwhelming her like i was when I was in that desparate "take me back stage". Its really hard to think that she might start something new, but I have to give her space and make her miss me. I have felt like crap for the last month and a half and I cant do it anymore. I need to take care of myself right now. And it is really hard and hurts, but I am so confident that things will work out in the future. But i still cant stop telling her how I feel. We never really had much communication when we were together so I feel that I owe her that now. Good luck in your situation. And I know that a lot of people push the NC thing on here a lot, I truly believe that in my situation that it wont help and maybe that will change in the future. So if you really feel that you need to get something off your chest, I would say go for it. Let her know that you are still thinking of her, but dont make it sound desperate. Just be yourself and try and show her that you have started to heal. Maybe that is what she is waiting for. I feel that in my situation that is what we both need. We need to heal before we can be together. This site has helped me a lot to realize that. Just remember that every situation is completely unique and you need to do what you feel is right. Good luck to you my friend. I appreciate everything. Keep me posted! I will do the same.

[krnelson2]

I could really use some more opinions on this. She isnt getting with this guy because I think she is really afraid of losing me for good, but I think there is still a chance that she has feeling for him too. We havent been talking much. She thinks everytime I call that I want to talk about us, but in reality I am just calling to talk as friends and see how she is. She says sorry all the time when she knows she has hurt my feelings and still calls me hun and babe once in a while. I dont know what to do. With the holiday season here I am just having a really hard time letting her go and telling her that I need to do that is really scary. I still feel that she will come back but I dont want to everwhelm her. She tells me she still likes seeing me and talking to me. I am making her a CD for christmas with songs that remind me of her, and am going to write her a nice letter just letting her know how I still feel about her. IS this a good idea? Any other gift ideas for people in my situation. Ladies maybe you can help me out. I want to get her something that will make her think of me when she sees or uses it. What can i get her that has sentimental meaning? Peace

[AnonymousMG]

Unfortunately, what I think you'll have to do (what I've done recently), is to make get over that fear of losing you for good. Yes, this means that there may be a greater risk of actually losing her for good, but if she comes back to you for that reason alone, the relationship has no chance of working out. She needs to be able to make that decision entirely on her own. What I've done is go NC for a while, and once I feel good enough about that, I'm going to start talking to her just as friends, and not bring up anything about the relationship at all. Everything you do that has a meaning that coincides with the relationship will make it harder and harder for her to let go. I am still debating a christmas present myself for my situation, but I think that a CD or anything with sentimental meaning would be a bad idea. Trust me, just a few days ago I would have said the complete opposite but I've had a bit of a breakthrough recently and I have a whole new perspective on things now. If you do give her something, try to find something that she will like, that has nothing to do with you. She will still think of you when she uses/sees the gift, because you gave it to her. Good luck with everything, it is very difficult to do these things, but things get better as time goes on.

-AMG