Assaulted by BF...feeling confused and hurt

[melly2006]

I feel so alone. I can't talk to any friends because I dont want anyone to know. My boyfriend of a year lashed out at me a 2 days ago and I had him arrested for assault. I cried as they put him in handcuffs and took him away. We got into an argument and he punched me in the face. He punched me because of something very mean I said to him and when I said it I knew it would anger him. Immediately after he was sorry and crying and threatened to kill himself because he couldnt live with what he had done. He got me ice and had me sit down. I spent the time between calling the police until they arrived keeping him away from the balcony door where he said he would jump off.

Now I feel guilt. I know its not my fault what happened but I just want him to get help. He has been told not to contact me by the police as a condition of his release. Now I dont know what to do. I am not allowed to withdraw charges, he hasnt even tried to call me...I know they said he wasnt allowed or he would go to jail but I so desperately want to know what he feels. This is the first time this has ever happened. He has never laid a hand on me..he had a weak moment and needs counselling to manage his anger but I want to give him a second chance. I know I have anger and trust issues to work on as well and have already enrolled in counselling..my first session is tonight. Has anyone been in this situation before?

[southerngirl]

Yes, I have been in that situation.

 

What you did was the right thing. What you are feeling now is normal.

 

Whatever you do end it. Do not see him again. Do not give him another chance. He punched you in the face and if you were to take him back he would do it again.

 

There is nothing you could do to deserve being beat up by any man.

 

I will tell you, I took my ex back... When he just shoved me. I took him back when he threw something through our front window in the house breaking it...

 

When he dislocated my fingers and slapped me around I left.

 

TWo months later he beat the crap outa me and held me against my will for close to five hours. That time, the neighbors called the cops as they knew I didnt even live in our marital home anymore and I was screaming for help. Other than the court hearing I havent seen him again.

 

He will not change unless he wants to change. Right now for you and your safety you need to break ties. The counseling is a great thing. You need to work on you and what you can learn from this.

 

(((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) Remember, you arent alone, I know its a cliche but really you arent. many of us have gone through this. Don't be one of the victims that allow repeated abuse! Right now you have the chance to break free, use it.

[n83]

I'm pretty concerned that you're blaming yourself for his behavior, saying you knew you pushed his buttons. That's pretty classic self-victimizing. He was arrested and he deserved to be. No matter what anyone says, it is not okay to punch them in the face. You should really talk to your counselor about why you're feeling like you want to take him back. For most people who aren't prone to staying in abusive relationships, his behavior would be completely unacceptable.

 

Also him threatening to kill himself demonstrates another form of manipulation. He's trying to make you feel guilty so that he can keep you on a short leash. I don't buy it; most guys like him are more likely to lash out at others (ie, you) than themselves.

[kittysaysmeow]

I agree with everyone. This might be the first time but it doesn't mean it will be the last time. And the fact that he threatened to kill himself is manipulative.

 

I know you feel guilty, but it isn’t your fault. Please, don’t contact him again. He obviously has issues that he needs to deal with on his own.

[BellaDonna]

Hi melly2006.

 

I just wanted to add that I agree that you did the right thing by calling the police. Do not feel guitly for a second.

 

What happened is NOT your fault. I don't care what you said to him, he had no right to punch you in the face.

 

You did not cause his arrest. He did it to himself. If he did not break the law and assault another person, he would have never gotten arrested.

 

I hate to be pessimistic, but in the majority of these cases, the abuser does NOT change and you will likely end up being hurt both physically and mentally again if you give him another chance. He will say all of the right things to you and try to convince you to take him back. He'll probably try to romance and charm you, that is until the next time he feels like hurting you. This is a trap. Don't fall for it.

 

I think it's excellent that you are going to see a counselor. Focus on yourself right now. You must put yourself first. Someone who does such severely hurtful things to you does not deserve another second of your time. There is no excuse for his behavior. I hope you will do what is best for you before you get hurt again,

 

 

 

BellaDonna

[yeawutever]

I agree with the other posters that you did the right thing in calling the police. No one made him get arrested, he did it himself by his horrible action and thanx to that, he would now have a record for life and will probably not get a good impression with the next girl coming. No one made him punch you in the face, he had the choice to either stop himself or get himself in trouble and he chose wrong. Once you're hit, the relationship is over for good and those good memories he had of him, those images he saw in him are all ghosts now. Don't take him back, once someone hits you, it's likely they will hit you again.

 

Let me also add up, even if you did say mean things to him, he had the option to walk out and talk to you again when he calm down, that's still no excuse to hit anyone, esp. a beloved one.

[nins2]

PLEASE DONT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE I DID. the same thing happened to me...he punched me because i said something that pissed him off. i called the cops and had him arrested. i also felt guilty afterwards and when he apologized i took him back. everything was good for 2 months. then, one day i hung the phone up on him and when i got home he completely beat me up. i couldnt even leave to get help after...he wouldnt let me. i almost died. do u want the same thing to happen???? RUN FROM HIM DONT WALK.

[Survictor]

You have nothing to feel guilty about. If you made him angry, he could have chosen to leave but instead, he chose to punch you in the face. As someone has already said, threatening to kill himself by jumping off the balcony is emotional blackmail and manipulation and I suspect there are other occasions where you have been bullied, even if you don't recall it as bullying.

 

Examples of this are:

Calling you names or telling you you aren't good enough

Threatening to leave you

Preventing friends from calling round by being rude

Preventing friends and relatives from phoning because he is supposedly waiting for a call,

Choosing to do something with you knowing that you had arranged something else

Shouting at you for moving something

Shouting at you for any other reason

Witholding affection

 

etc

 

Please do go for counselling.

[Hope75]

Hi Melly,

 

Welcome to enotalone.

 

 

((HUGS))

 

 

I was in the same position you are quite a few years ago. I had my (now ex) bf arrested after he assaulted me and then threatened to kill himself too. When the cops got there I was bleeding from being punched and scratched by him, and he was bleeding from his wrists where he has cut himself with a broken plate. We were a mess and I cried when they took him away too- because I loved him and I felt that it was partially my fault that our fight escalated like it did.

 

After that happened, I wanted to forgive him and I did, and I dropped charges on him and he came home... and I lived with him another 3.5 years while he beat me up on a regular basis and, at the end, very nearly killed me. I am lucky to be alive today. At the beginning it was mostly always during a fight, and like you, I felt somewhat like it could have been prevented, and he was always so sorry afterwards. I lived for that. But as time went on, it was more random and he was not sorry afterwards. That is how it begins, and how it escalates.

 

Honey, what happened was in NO WAY your fault. Fight or not fight- we has civilized human beings have the ability and responsibility to control ourselves, even in anger, and not to harm another person physically- especially someone we claim to love. Once a person crosses that line, it is very difficult to change the dynamic of the relationship and to stop that behavior from escalating and happening again. In very nearly 100% of cases, once this happens once, it will and does happen again. Violence occurs along a continuum.

 

I know you are hurt and confused by what has happened, but please, trust me when I say that you should not contact him, nor should you give him a second chance. If he chooses to see this as a wake up call and seek help that would be great- but even with counseling, it will be extremely difficult to break this pattern once it has happened, and odds are not in his favor. It is not in your best interests to linger over this and want to know what he was feeling or thinking- your #1 priority now is to protect yourself. Trust me when I say that someone who loves and respects you would NEVER dream of punching you in the face in anger- no matter what happened before it, or how sorry he was afterwards. This is classic of abusive behaviour.

 

Think about why you are hiding this from friends and family- because you want to deny that it happened so you can take him back. Don't do that to yourself. There was a reason that you had him arrested. He broke the law and he assaulted you. Honey, your parents and friends need to know what happened. and you need their support, now more than ever. Why don't you talk to someone you trust about this, and let it out. It is not your fault. Do not take him back. This will not be a one time mistake, I can promise you that.

[sydneybean84]

Hunny, I know exactly how you feel. And if you take him back I know exactly what he'll do...The thing about violent men is they're pretty much all the same. At the end of the day, this man does not know how to love you. And you can't fix him. I wish I could say that violent men have the capacity to change their behavior, but I have yet to meet one that has. And my ex certainly didn't...They just find new victims, and you don't have to be one. I'll tell you the best thing you can do for yourself and your sanity is tell your closest girlfriends what happened....If they're anything like mine, they will comfort you and tell you never to go back to him. And you probably won't listen-AT FIRST...the thing is its gonna take time, you've been sucked in,but not all the way...GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN! I cannot think of a more clean cut exit than the one you have created for yourself. No man is worth you tears and the one who is will never make you cry. Believe that!

[Hope75]

Melly,

 

How are you?

 

Will you come back and update us?

[melly2006]

Hi everyone

Thanks for everyones kind words. I have been doing a lot of thinking.

I am not sure what I am going to do but I have told 2 good friends and had a counselling session. I feel alot better. I am getting more and more information as to what is going to happen. I felt lost at first but now I feel in control.

His lawyer called and asked if I would consider dropping the no contact condition of his release and I surprised myself by saying NO. I said he needs help. He needs to be in a program before I will even say Hi.

The days are hard and nights are lonely but I know it will work out for the best whatever I choose.

[Hope75]

Hi Melly,

 

WOw! Good for you. That was definitely the right thing to do. I'm so glad that you told two of your friends and that you are seeking counseling. That is a great first step.

 

How did your friends react? Have they been supportive of you?

 

It can be very shocking and numbing the first time a person steps over that line and physically hurts you- I remember the first time my ex hit me... I was so stunned I could not even react. I just walked away from him in a daze. Later, I cried and he was soooo apologetic. He swore it was a huge mistake and he felt SOOO bad and it would never happen again. I think sometimes they shock themselves the first time too. But it almost always escalates... I'm sure you could do a google search on statistics about it and see that it's true.

 

But you are a VERY strong and intelligent woman... you said right away NO this is NOT acceptable, and you stuck to your guns and that is very BRAVE.... and you should be proud of yourself for that. Not many women are that strong, especially the first time when they are so surprised and horrified by it... and all they want to do is cover it up and pretend it never happened and that it really was a mistake. He does need help, and it may be that he is not ready to accept that or to consider it- but regardless, staying away from him is the best thing you can ever do for yourself.

 

I hope you will continue to keep us updated.

[yeawutever]

Good for you on not looking back and staying with the charges against him. Whenever it's a first time in a relationship and they get physical, that's it, it's over right away. Even if he was sorry, that's it, nothing eh ever does will ever bring back that image he had of him before, that innocent image. Instead you're always have an image of him being capable of being a "savage creature".

It can be very shocking and numbing the first time a person steps over that line and physically hurts you- I remember the first time my ex hit me... I was so stunned I could not even react

 

Good enough reason he's your ex now. Now what would suck is the next girl in his life, who knows what your ex might be doing to her.

 

 

 

 

[Hope75]

Good for you on not looking back and staying with the charges against him. Whenever it's a first time in a relationship and they get physical, that's it, it's over right away. Even if he was sorry, that's it, nothing eh ever does will ever bring back that image he had of him before, that innocent image. Instead you're always have an image of him being capable of being a "savage creature".

 

Originally Posted by Hope75

It can be very shocking and numbing the first time a person steps over that line and physically hurts you- I remember the first time my ex hit me... I was so stunned I could not even react

 

 

Good enough reason he's your ex now. Now what would suck is the next girl in his life, who knows what your ex might be doing to her.

 

Yes, unfortunately he is now married with a small child and he beats his wife. His friends staged an intervention to get it to stop but he did not, and she has not left him. I can only be grateful that it isn't me.

 

Melly, I am very impressed with how strong and smart you are being about this.

[Survivng Victum]

typical of an abuser hun. First they push you and push you mentally and as soon as you speak up, BAM! Thank the police for taking him out of your life and leave him there.... If you let him back in after this, he will think your a push over and the episodes will only get worse and worse.. Talk to your family and friends that you know you can trust and if you don't feel you can, call an abuse hotline or go by and see a councelor at your local womens shelter. You need to know that your not alone and you can get through this... without him.

They work against us in all the emotional ways they can... including playing on your guilt. Yes hun, PLAYING... for they see it as a game... immediate fear of arrest makes them all humble but after that, each time gets worse, then they will play you BEFORE you call for help....Make it the LAST time he hurts you in any way. Hugz and God Bless

[Hope75]

Hi Melly,

 

Just checking up...

 

how are you doing now girl?

[blindfold]

there is a very important barrier between arguing and hitting on a partner... me and my bf argue all the time, and he has even said things to me that would make anyone else storm out or hit him, but i didn't. i don't buy all that crap people make up about love slaps and "i hit you because i love you" or "i'm so passionate about you that i can't control it". that is pure BS!

[gabbyfox]

Please look up : The Tracy Thurman Story,called: " A Cry For Help"

this is what I am doing so I won't take my Ex back!

It's a true story!!!

[Hope75]

Please look up : The Tracy Thurman Story,called: " A Cry For Help"

this is what I am doing so I won't take my Ex back!

It's a true story!!!

 

That is a very powerful story- there is a movie out about it as well.

 

I would recommend it to anyone who is going through or has gone through an abusive relationship.