Has No One Got The Anser? Get Her Back

[onlineguy]

I have followed the advise given about not keeping in touch, (This no contact) but to be honest I cant see how this lets the person know you want them back. Or want to win back there love. It appears to give the opposite impression. that you dont give a {mod edit} about them. !

 

I can see about not driving them further away, by backing off and giving them space, but surly no contact just leaves them not thinking about you and meeting someone else. Whats the point in that !

 

Thats not an expression of love, wanting to be with someone !!! Its the opposite - your saying to her I dont want to be with you - I am moving on, looking for another.

 

Thats not the impression I want to portray ?!?!

 

 

DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY KNOW HOW TO GO ABOUT WINNING BACK AN EX OR IS THIS JUST NOT POSSIBLE ?

 

HAS ANYONE ACTUALLY DONE THIS AND HOW?

 

 

(Sorry if this sounds harsh, but all the stories on here are repeating the same thing, none of them give an answer).

[papalazarou]

You could do alot worse than read these threads...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No Contact respects their privacy. It means you dont put your foot in it. You dont beg. You dont plead. You heal. When you have healed then you can open the lines of comminication...

[Ham]

I broke NC this weekend and I feel really crap about it.

 

It's for you. It's not to get them back. They might miss you they might not. But nothing you can say will change their mind.

 

I was doing really well, then for some reason on Sunday I sent her a few texts just saying I miss her, how I want to be friends with her next year but don't know if its possible, that if she ever realised she wanted me back all she ahd to do was call, loads of crap.

 

She replied just saying she'd like to be friends but knows its not possible now etc. She was polite, and sweet about it. But it was the wrong thing to do.

 

Now she knows I'm still basically just a wreck without her, the ball is firmly back in her court, and I feel rubbish again.

 

In reply to your other part of your message, we split up before, I got her back then I blew it again. So who knows.

 

(God I actually hate feeling like this. I just want her back. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and I guess you never know what you've got til it's gone.)

[ImThatGirl]

Does she know that you didn't want it to end?

[papalazarou]

Oh and this one as well....

 

 

[shes2smart]

Well, as has been said here numerous times, doing NC is NOT about getting an ex back...it's about giving yourself the space and time to heal after an emotional wound.

 

If you had sustained a physical injury, you'd be advised to NOT pick at the scab so your body could go through the healing process as quickly and smoothly as possible. Doing NC is basically doing the same thing to an emotional wound so you're not constantly picking at it.

 

Doing NC with the idea that it will lure an ex back or as a ploy to stage a reconciliatioin is manipulative.

 

In short, you do NC for YOURSELF and your own well-being....not for your ex and not to get your ex back.

 

 

As for getting an ex back, don't overlook or minimize the fact that if one party has decided the relationship is over, then it's over. If she's decided it's time to move on, it's in your best interest to act as if that's final and look after yourself and focus on moving forward. Speaking from personal experience, continuing to pursue someone who has indicated they are not interested in getting back together just tends to irritate and annoy them. And those are not feelings that are condusive to reconciling with someone.

 

If she has indicated she's not interested in getting back together, it's probably best if you respect that and move on. If you don't know, I wouldn't see a problem in politely and sincerely (no begging, no messy emotional scenes, no pressure) asking her ONCE. However, if you do that, you need to be prepared to accept whatever answer she gives, even if it's not what you want to hear.

[ImThatGirl]

Have you made it clear that you want to work on the relationship?

 

Did she initiate no contact or did you, thinking that it would be best?

 

I don't think "no contact" should be used for all break ups or even immediately after deciding a split is best.

[onlineguy]

With respect. None of this answers my question

 

I have done the no contact, healed and given her space.

 

What I want to do now is win her back, make her feel special and loved. Make her want me above all others.

 

How do I do this ?

[papalazarou]

With respect. None of this answers my question

 

I have done the no contact, healed and given her space.

 

What I want to do now is win her back, make her feel special and loved. Make her want me above all others.

 

How do I do this ?

 

 

By being the person she originally fell in love with.

 

If you have done what you have said you have done then now is the time to communicate with her - ask her out for a drink. How you do it is up to you.

 

The good thing is you have done NC and you say you are healed so if you get no response or she says no then you will simply shrug your shoulders and say "it wasnt meant to be".

[ImThatGirl]

With respect. None of this answers my question

 

I have done the no contact, healed and given her space.

 

What I want to do now is win her back, make her feel special and loved. Make her want me above all others.

 

How do I do this ?

 

Make it clear that you want to win her back, that she is special and that you do love her.

 

Do you need a specific plan?

 

Call her and express your thoughts.

Send her an email or card telling her you are thinking of her and miss her.

 

?

[onlineguy]

Trouble is the last I tried to contact her she ignored me telling me to leave her alone ! How do I get her back on speaking terms without being a pest to her ?

[SuperDave71]

onlineguy,

 

Hey there. I read you post and not to be harsh...I believe you are looking for a quick fix. You post gave me the impression you are desperate. I could be wrong on this so please forgive the assumption.

 

THERE IS NO FORMULA or GUARANTEED way or technique to get your ex back. That should at least answer your direct question.

 

No contact is FOR YOU. Apparently you didn't read that part or you skimmed the posts looking for your answer. Everyone here is looking for the same thing. We have come together with a common idea that there are things we can do for US that COUPLD possibly influence our ex's without DOING ANYTHING. I know that sounds a bit odd but it works.

 

Many here are hurt just like you if not 95%. Some of us have been hurt in the past and want to help others just as much as others helped us during our breakup stage.

 

The idea of No Contact isn't for your ex.....it's for you. It's for us to get our heads on straight and learn to love ourselves again. The fact is, you AREN'T giving a about them ....RIGHT NOW because people need to work on themselves.

 

 

How in the WORLD would you ever try to win your ex back when we don't know how? No one does but that is exactly the paradox we all have.

 

What we DO KNOW is that by No contact, we are allowing ourselves to heal (though painful) and this allows us time to let the wounds heal with time. It also allows us to reflect on what went wrong in the first place so if we are lucky enough to get our ex's back...we can work to solve why the relationship failed in the first place.

 

By taking yourself out of the equation, you are not only allowing yourself time to heal, you are allowing nature to take its course.

 

We miss what we don't see...If you call, text, IM, abuse MYSPACE, show up unexpectedly etc etc...What do you think your ex is going to think or assume?

 

POSSIBLY I DID THE RIGHT THIG LEAVING THIS NUT JOB!!!

 

 

You don't have to let yoru ex know anything. You actions should speak louder than words. If she broke up with you, leave her alone. Plain and simple. Why justify her decision? By NO CONTACT you are allowing her to miss you possibly. It's not a trick or a game...

 

No Contact is for you....period. If you have further questions, please feel free to post. We are here to try and help you. It's not up to us that post...it's up to you to make a difference and to decide what is best for you and your situation.

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[papalazarou]

Trouble is the last I tried to contact her she ignored me telling me to leave her alone ! How do I get her back on speaking terms without being a pest to her ?

 

 

It sounds that you may have done something to hurt her in your relationship?

 

Or did something hurtful when you were splitting up??

[SuperDave71]

By contacting her....at this point

 

 

You will almost always get a negative response every time. You need to let some time pass.

 

How much time is up to you.

 

**Remember**

 

The more you do (you push) in the beginning, the more it will hurt you in the end.

 

 

-SuperDave71

[shes2smart]

Trouble is the last I tried to contact her she ignored me telling me to leave her alone ! How do I get her back on speaking terms without being a pest to her ?

 

When exes of mine tried various efforts to "win me back," it would backfire horribly and do nothing more than piss me off. It would also serve as further proof to me that ending the relationship was the right thing to do. Why? Because I'd asked the guy to leave me alone and he clearly wasn't listening to me.

 

For some people, a break-up is a final thing and there is no going back no matter what the other person says or does or feels or wants.

 

You may need to entertain the possibility that any effort you make isn't going to make any difference and will only irritate her.

[onlineguy]

Cheers I appreciate the replies.

 

But when I first liked her I showed an interest in her in a nice friendly way then when I liked her and thought she felt the same I asked her out.

 

What I am trying to do is get back to that stage. So that for want of a better word I can woo her again. (lame word, but sounds better than seduce).

 

No contact has helped me heal. I am not chasing after her or depsperate for her.

 

But my query is, if I am observing full no contact, how do i get to the stage of getting her to see the real me and like me again ?

[papalazarou]

I think Superdave and Shes2smart have answered it.

 

You obviously want to contact her. So do so in a nice way. Be prepared for a I dont want to see you/spreak to you again bearing in mind her previous comments.

 

If she does then its time to let go...forever.

 

At least you know you tried to hold out the olive branch.

[shes2smart]

The only certain answer is that she may never get to that stage and there is nothing you can do to make her get there if she doesn't want to go.

 

Obviously, you are going to have to establish some contact with her to go forward with your plan.

 

My question for you is this: if she ignores you or tells you to leave her alone, how many times will she have to repeat it before you do so?

[SuperDave71]

I wouldn't contact her period for a while...

 

 

To me, its like trying to pet a wolverine:

 

 

You assume it will roll over and let you scratch its tummy...WRONG!!!!!

 

 

 

 

DOH!

 

 

SuperDave71

[onlineguy]

Its a difficult situation !

 

I know she is seeing me in a totally wrong light, but there is nothing I can do about it.

 

I have left her alone, she has not contacted me, but she sees me for someone / something I am not.

 

This whole situation has hurt us both like hell, so unaviodable for us both !!!.

 

 

I know I need to be back on friendly approachable terms, either way.

 

Ideally so we are back together

Secondly so she sees me for the real me.

 

How best to do this without bugging her or losing her completely.

 

(to be honest I am scared she will form an attachment to another. I would prefer this did not happen & that she would prefer I did not form an attachement to another ! ). A little selfish, but I have to take into account what I want as well as what she wants. (only human).

[onlineguy]

In ref to She2smart.

 

My question for you is this: if she ignores you or tells you to leave her alone, how many times will she have to repeat it before you do so?

 

Answer: I dont know ! I didn't want to go no contact, but I see the wisdom of it after being on here. So I don't know. Where is the line between wanting to be friendly to some one and being a pest ?????

 

No one wants to bug someone ! But I dont want her to lose her !

 

Confused over this one.

[dnozzle]

Where is the line between wanting to be friendly to some one and being a pest ?????

 

 

 

 

Anything beyond 1 unreturned contact.

 

Contact her once. Leave it in her court, and walk away.

[shes2smart]

Anything beyond 1 unreturned contact.

 

Contact her once. Leave it in her court, and walk away.

 

 

I'd agree with that.

 

Lemme tell ya a little Christmas story.

 

Broke up with my last bf in 2001, said I never wanted to speak to him again when we split. Time went by, I met a really great guy, got married to him. More time went by, I got another job about 200 miles away and we moved.

 

Christmas Day 2004, my ex e-mailed me at my work email address at my (then) new employer. To this day, I don't know how he tracked me down at my new job and to this day, I still think it's a little creepy. 3 years had passed and I still didn't want anything to do with him. Dunno what he really wanted and wasn't going to contact him to find out. I had told him that I didn't want to speak to him again and I meant it.

 

I let my husband answer the email. I haven't heard from my ex since. I think he may finally get that I'm not interested in being friendly....let alone being "friends." If, for some insane reason, he decided to try contacting me again this Christmas, he'd still get the cold shoulder.

 

And it doesn't matter if he'd been canonized for sainthood by the Catholic Church....I'd still think he was a horse's behind.

 

 

Throughout your life, people are going to develop impressions of you. Some people will develop the wrong impression and some will have not-so-great opinions about you. It is not your place nor your job to change their minds. It's been my observation that, quite frequently, if people have a negative opinion of you, intentionally setting out to "correct" their impression tends to backfire and only confirms for them what they already believe.

[heloladies21]

In the sense that you're trying to "win" her back, it's not possible. Any kind of romance/caring things you could do wouldn't make a difference as this is not the source of the problem.

 

There are 2 types of NC, one where you feel so weak that you can't control yourself due to your emotions. You need the NC in this case to level your head so you can deal with the situation rationally. To avoid her getting the idea you don't care, feel free to let her know why you're doing it, so that you can get back to being yourself.

 

The second is when everything has been said. When you let her know how you feel, ask her if she wants to get back together with you, and she answers no. At this point, there's nothing left to be said and the only thing left to do is to move on. There's no reason to believe that once someone has dumped you that they're gonna change her mind. Just the opposite, you gotta assume that the break up is for real and is final, and the only she's gonna get you back is if she changes your mind from moving on.

 

Where you're at right now is a tough position I have been in before. The feeling of desperation, willing to do anything to get your ex back...You need some NC so you can get your head straight, live your life for a bit. Then you can revisit the situation later when you feel better. As for her finding someone else in the meantime, she's gonna be looking anyways, but the way you are right now isn't gonna bring her back to you.

 

And one thing to realize, being her friend or waiting around in the background for her to make up her mind never works to bring the ex back. This method has been thoroughly tried and failed. Look at all the posts of guys on here who tried this. I haven't seen one work.

[brando]

I always felt that by letting them go to live their lives as they feel they need to is the greatest showing of love.

 

By trying to get them to change their minds, or to hear what you have to say is a message to them that what they want is not important at all. This is not a message of love you are sending them.

 

Their are no ways of winning someone back. Their is tons of information on the internet about it and one has to wonder if it is true or not.

 

I read once that by not accepting a lover telling you they no longer want to be in the relationship is a greater sign of selfishness.

 

Live life for yourself, let her live for herself. No guarantees she will want to rekindle the flame that once burned. Their are no guarantees for love.