the deal

[littlemouse]

I been going out with my boyfriend for nearly two years now, and the first year of our relationship was wonderful he was so kind and considerate. Unfortunately I messed up big time and told a few lies about my past (boyfriends I had slept with etc..) I finally admitted I had lied, but I stupidly did it in stages, were I would admit that I had slept with a guy and swear that was all I had lied about and then the week later I would admit to something else, so really I made the whole thing 10 times worst.

For 9 months now things have not been right, he has lost all trust in me and I have been completely honest with him, but he doesn't believe me and lots of arguments have occurred due to this.

Last week the arguments got that bad that he said he would like to think about us and tell me over the weekend whether he wants to be with me or not.

The weekend has passed and his decision is: if I lose 3 stones in weight making me 8 stone he will finally forgive me, trust me again and has said that as soon as I hit 8 stone he will marry me.

He told me the reason he chose this deal was because ever since I lied about my past he has been wanted to cheat on me and if I lost weight firstly: he wouldn't want to cheat on me anymore as he would have an attractive girlfriend already. Secondly: I would prove that I really do love him by doing something thats quite hard to do, thirdly: after I have lost all that weight I may not want him anymore so if I do stay with him afterwards he knows its what I truly want, and fourthly: as punishment for what I did.

I'm not sure what to do, I did do wrong and I shouldn't of lied to him, but its hard to admit to your boyfriend that your not as lovely and as innocent as he thought, and that you've had a one night stand etc...

Also I fully understand that these last 9 months have been very difficult for him, however its been difficult on me too, being accused of lying all the time, being screamed at, and still staying as pleasant and as nice as possible throughout.

I love him so much and I believe he is my soulmate, but this deal has confused me, I'm shocked, for months he's been telling me that he wants to cheat on me and I have been trying so hard to be perfect for him, but I'm not good enough and obviously not thin enough.

(Also its not like I'm massive, I a little chubby but I'm still of average size 14)

Also he meantioned that when/if we get married he expects me to keep under size 10!

Part of me wants to scream at him, whats the point of getting married if the love is not unconditional? I would love and adore him no matter what size he is! I want to stand up for myself, but I know I will lose him if I do.

 

Thank you for any advice - I really appreciate your help.

[Alex84]

I think he is being really harsh. He either forgives you and you can get on with your lives together, or he doesnt and you go your separate ways. Love is unconditional, and there shouldnt be any 'deals'.

 

This is a deal for life. You will be committing to staying a certain size for your life. That is totally unfair of him. Its nice to stay fit for your partner, but is he going to end it if you go the next size up? You cant live with that over your head.

 

Stand up for yourself. If you dont, how do you think he will think he can treat you from this point on? If you do lose him because you wont agree to the deal, then he wasnt worth being with.

 

Nobody deserves conditions or deals like that, whether you cheated or not.

[littlemouse]

Thank you so much for your reply.

 

Part of me is wondering if he's done this in hope that I will break up with him, as in an email argument we had the other week he wrote "Why can't you just let me go, why do you keep holding onto this relationship?"

 

I'm terrified of standing up to him (Not that I'm saying he abusive in anyway) I'm scared I'll lose him, and I hate feeling like that, I hate feeling like I'm under someone elses control as since I lied to him he's been pulling all the strings and it feels like I'm constantly waiting for the guy I fell in love with to come back. He promised if I did lose the weight he would be the guy he was when we first met.

 

 

P.S. I never have cheated on him, wouldn't dream of it, I just lied about the things I got up to as a teenager.

[debsea]

I've just read your post and it got me thinking. I don't actually believe that you have to tell everything that happened in the past because it was just that your past. Presumably he was quizzing you about it in such a way you felt you had to answer when you didn't really want to.

 

You need to sit down with him and try to explain why you didn't just tell him the truth at the beginning, ie, embarrassment, fear of losing him. And explain that you told him in the end because you wanted to be completely honest with him.

 

He will need to learn to trust you again but this will only come from time and being in situations where he finds out that you always tell the truth now.

 

It is ridiculous to think that trust can be reborn out of someone losing weight. For instance what if you cant (I can't shift 2 stone), does that mean he's going to decide he can't trust you, when actually it just means that you can't lose weight.

 

What happens if he marries you, "oh dear sorry I'm going to divorce you because you've put on 1 stone".

 

I think he's being manipulative and controlling. I think if he truly loved you he would have been hurt by the lies, but relieved and wanting to believe you when you have told the truth.

 

It may be he can't get past how dishonest you were and he won't be able to trust you but losing weight and getting married won't change that!

 

IMO that he makes you feel insecure and maybe thats why you lied in the first place. I think you can do much better and find someone who cares about who is on the inside, and maybe they won't make you feel like you have to lie. And marriage won't cure anything, trust me I know!

[Alex84]

Ah, sorry to have suggested you cheated, i must not have read it properly!

 

I posted a thing on a similar forum to this one (it may have been this one) asking if i should tell my girlfriend about one past experience i had. I had told her that i had no sexual experience, which was a lie. The act was quite minor, but still, i know it matters to her. The general response was that i shouldnt tell her. I took that advice.

 

I think its a valid point about how he may want you to break up with him. I was in a similar situation as you. i never asked her why she was holding onto the relationship, but i wondered it. I did sometimes hope i could talk her into breaking up, so it would be easier for me. So it was more like an agreement. I know it was really horrible of me, but perhaps he is thinking the same kind of thing. I could be completely wrong, but theres my experience.

 

I can understand why he may have slight trust issues, but you didnt cheat on him, and what you have done isnt a huge deal. Like i said in my last post, i dont think you deserve that treatment even if you did cheat, let alone a few lies.

 

Life is a lesson. You sound like you know went about it the wrong way. This is not as bigger deal as he is making it. You dont want to lose him, but i think whats more important is you dont want a life where your partner is trying to control you

 

I strongly advise against agreeing to this deal. Tell him he is important to you, and you have learnt from your mistake. I think you should say you wont agree to his terms and if he dont like it then he doesnt deserve you. You will not end up being happy. You wont have lost anything if he doesnt respect you.

[Momene]

If maintaining a body weight was a prerequisite for staying married, my wife and I would have divorced each other long ago!

[littlemouse]

Thank you, all of you.

 

You see I've never had a boyfriend that wants to know every detail of your sexual past. I wasn't use to sharing that information with my best friends never mind my boyfriend, I felt embarrassed and I wanted to be his perfect woman, so I told a pack of lies so I would be that perfect woman.

 

Truthfully deep down I knew it was wrong for him to make such a request and in the long run I'd be much happier if I stand up for myself, even if it means losing him.

I can't ever imagine an oap stating that the secret of a happy marriage is maintaining an weight of 8 stone.

I think I'm going to talk to him, and if he wants me to move out, it will break my heart, but I'll go and start a fresh.

[debsea]

If it does go that way then just think about this, if you were with a guy who you didn't feel you had to put an act on for, didn't hold your past against you, and loved you for who you are..................would you truly miss this guy?

 

It was said to me once by a very positive (sadly married) friend, it makes you think!

[rms8]

Dump this guy! You may think you love him but he clearly doesn't love you. Forcing you to lose weight (and a lot of it! 3 stones = 42 pounds) is absolutely ridiculous. If he really loved you he wouldn't care what you weighed, especially if you're the same weight you were when you first got together. And promising to be the guy he was when you first got together doesn't mean anything. My suggestion is to get far away from this guy and find a man who will love you for who you are and not your weight. You deserve much better than this.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

HAHAHA WHAT are you doing with someone who'll forgive you on grounds of weightloss, when you arn't even really in need of it?

 

I'm so concerned...why are you even with this emotionally abusive, manipulative jerk?

 

He doesn't love you, his demands are ridiculous, you havn't cheated on him and he's still paranoid, and he links love and marriage to you being a certain weight!

 

it will NOT change

he is SCUM

 

You know what to do.

[finewhine]

Sorry, I think your boyfriend sounds like a controlling jerk. You deserve better!

 

Run! Don't walk! Run! Run away!

 

He's trying to CONTROL you. Don't let him! Get out get out get out!

[valiantv]

Frightened of losing him? I am sorry to say you've already lost him. You are going to have to come to terms with that. This guy sounds like a total a**hole, who deserves no respect from you - time for you to lay down the law, and besides *not* want to be married to someone who tries to control you like that.

 

So you lied about your past? Your past is your past, it's not like you did anything to be ashamed of while you guys were together. He feels like he wouldn't want to cheat on you if you lost 3st? I'd tell him to go f**k himself (in more ways than one).

 

The cruel b****d in me wants you to just leave him but don't tell him. Go out with whoever else you like, and let him do the work and dump you. WHATEVER YOU DO DON'T MARRY THE GUY! The last thing you want to be is legally bound to someone like that (unless he's rich and you can sponge off him, but that's a different story). He doesn't respect you and you should not respect him.

 

I have to say if my gf told me she had lied to me about something she did or didn't do before she met me just to impress me, I would be flattered!

 

Usually when posting on this board I want to try and keep people together, try and get people to see the other's point of view, give them another chance... but this one? sheesh!

 

He told me the reason he chose this deal was because ever since I lied about my past he has been wanted to cheat on me and if I lost weight firstly: he wouldn't want to cheat on me anymore as he would have an attractive girlfriend already.

And this? This is the biggest joke I've ever heard! Holy God! I can hardly believe what I'm reading, I'm ashamed to be the same sex as this guy! If I saw this on a soap opera I'd be laughing at the unrealistic writing... No wonder some girls think all men are b*****ds with guys like this around!

[freedom]

what an idiot!!!.. dump him.... a guy that measures losing wieght to the level of trust... BLAH... What a dork!... not worth it!!..

[Surfin]

In my defence of being scum,

 

I never started the arguments, She was the one to ask me first about my past. I told her. She told me.

 

As far as I was concerned, we were totally open and honest with each other.

Which was our agreement from when we first started dating.

 

I would never of asked, and I wasnt the one to start it.

 

Not only this, the reason I hold a grudge is NOT because of her past, but because of the way she went about telling me. here is one example:

 

We bumped into a number of her workmates, at a local bar, all of which acted extremely peculiar, you know when you feel everyone is talking about you....anyway I felt this way.

 

I asked her later, what it was all about, and she said absolutely nothing. Honestly, I promise you she said.

 

only a bit later, to tell me that she had discussed our problem first of all with some random person with the biggest mouth at her work before deciding to tell me.

 

I was the last to know...again.

 

Another occasion walking into my offices, and blurting out.....Im sorry Ive been lying to you.... (Again)

 

I'm not a jealous peron, Nor am I a controlling one....I just get hurt when someone who is supposed to be your Soul mate, Your Best Friend and your other half.... doesnt confide in you, doesnt share with you, doesnt tell you anything....until its gone around everyone else first before getting to me.

 

For the record, I swear on my life I have never lied, Never cheated and NEVER looked at another women since meeting her.

 

Infact only yesterday, I was so happy, my business partner asked me what I was so jolly about,I simply replied that I thought I had the woman of my dreams.

 

THE DEAL (Here it is)

I have lost people in my own family to illness which has hurt me so much....You always lose those you love most.

 

In regards to the deal, what she failed to mention was that her family have a history of cancer too, so much so, on yet another visit to the hospital, the doctors recommended a genetics test. I've been with her everytime to ensure we are getting the best advice, and care from the doctors.

 

I knew that the chances were quite high, I was prepared to be with her and take care of her for the rest of our lives. However under the condition that she lost weight.....

 

WHY????, not because I'll love her more,Not because believe she wont lie to me again, BUT because we will be able to detect it faster and get her healthy again, and SO I WOULDNT LOSE someone I love again

 

that was my idea....

 

I know now as she reads this she will remember us discussing this before, and she didnt do anything about it, there are a lot of people who will miss her, and care for her so much, that this isnt something to simply sweep under the carpet until it happens.

 

This is where I thought I would be able to convince her to do it.

I said I'm all hers, if she did it....and I meant UNCONDITIONALLY, I was giving her my life in excahnge for 3 lousy stones.

 

There were no other options for me and no other way to get things moving...

 

She thinks I would of left her, if she put on a few pounds....

I would of been with her to the very end,EVEN had her breasts been removed and already with the news she wont be able to have children, I wanted HER.

 

She was my soul mate.

 

As for me being angry.....I never screamed at her, although I was bitter, for a number of reasons, and believe me it wasnt her past that made me angry....she lied so much about many other things and I couldnt...I just couldnt get through to her that she could tell me anything, she could rely on me, she could depend on me, I was her rock.

 

It was she, that didnt believe me.

 

Its funny, how some stories are told, what kind of reply they get, there are two sides to everything.

 

So I dont blame the advice that some of you have given, however due to this advice....we separated about an hour ago.

 

Maybe for the better or worse who will know.

 

I still love her unconditionally, its hard enough with whats going on around us than to put up with the rest of it... I'm tired now and I dont know what else to do.

 

There a million ways to answer the queston: "How did we get to this"

however none of them would solve it.

 

But E,

 

You've made me come out and discuss this in public....and here goes

 

If you're reading this now, I'm sorry if you thought I was "controlling" I wasn't trying to control your weight, I just wanted you to be okay.

 

I am sorry if you thought I would never forgive you.

I did forgive you, its just that you still wouldnt trust me enough to discuss our problems with each other before discussing them with everyone else first.

 

I'm sorry if you thought I was sometimes angry....I wasnt angry with you,

However I was angry that I was going to see you get ill, and I couldnt do anything to help you get better, I didnt want to lose you all over again first because of our original argument and secondly because you were ill.

 

I'm sorry, I asked why YOU keep holding on to me....maybe I did want you to leave to make the WHOLE thing easier....But I found Strength, I was NOT going to leave your side, I was going to deal with everything for you.

 

And most of all I am sorry, truly sorry if you believe for one moment I wanted to hurt you.

 

Again, to all those giving advice against me, I dont blame you, first impressions are lasting I guess.

 

Regardless of the opinions....You know where I am when you need that rock.

I cant come for you, I know that will be seen by you as though I'm being posessive, Its over now...good luck honey, dont forget to set your alarm at night, and turn your reading light off before you go to sleep.

 

Love you

 

L

x

[fnlyfrei]

Here's what I would do...eat healthy, excersize, lose weight...get a makeover so you feel terrific about yourself...buy some sexy and attractive new clothes...(or have HIM buy them for you...) then DUMP HIM ! (Yeah, I am mean, mean, mean...) Ask yourself...would you ever ask this of another human being..??? And what gives him the right to do this to you??? Surely it isnt loving. It's creepy.

[fnlyfrei]

Still...telling someone that they need to do a certain thing FOR YOU in order for you to accept them fully is crappy. I suppose you are perfect. If you can't love someone just the way they are ...you never really loved them in the true sense of the word. She needs to do things FOR HERSELF such as weight loss...not for YOU. !!!!!!!

[freedom]

wwwwwooooooowwww!!!...

Again you are the last to know... and so much for being anonymous.

I can also see your point of view buddy that you cared. but i suppose it is they way to put it accross that makes it so controlling.

Love isnt about one way conditions.

[Rabican]

your weight should have nothing to do with trust. If he wants you to lose weight, then he can just ask you to lose weight. But saying ill trust you if you do this... .blah!!

[Momene]

Surfin, it's perhaps useful to see the other side. However, both my wife and I have health problems and can do with losing weight but we never nag each other about it. I don't recommend using it as a condition to continue a relationship.

 

I recommend you'd both be better off alone for a while before starting a new with someone else.

 

Good luck to both of you.