Alex84
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I am 22, and have been with my girlfriend (lets say Alice) for 3 years now. We have more than our fair share of fights, and im not 100% sure i want to be with her for the rest of my life. That being said, i have one big issue, and would like your advice. My brother, who is important to me, has a girlfriend (lets say Chloe) of 2.5 years who my partner does not like. My brother and his girlfriend frequently talk about the future together. Alice does not like Chloes friends either, because I used to have a history with one of them, nothing serious. The problem doesnt stop here. My 3 closest friends are becoming quite friendly with Chloes friends. Not to the point where relationships will form, but just friends. My problem is that my friends are now hanging out with my brother and these girls, and i am in the unfortunate position that I can not go along without causing trouble. Ive tried explaining, but that doesnt work. Apparently if they are my friends they will make time for me without these girls. Fair call, and i dont want to see these girl, but i dont want to limit myself to when i can see three good mates. I dont want to loose three good friends and not be close with my brother, and at the same time Alice is important to me, but she is causing the issue. What would you do?
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Ive been with my girlfriend for almost 3 years now. She is 20, i am 22. I have never been satisfied sexually throughout the relationship, but I am happy with how this relationship is going otherwise. I am getting extremely frustrated at the lack of intimacy. We are both virgins, which is because she isnt ready, and im cool with that. I always feel like an idiot after i initiate something. I NEVER finish, and it doesnt seem to bother my partner, dispite several conversations about how i feel. I get so annoyed as well, she wonders why i am grumpy. There is frequently what i call a start to some intimacy, but unfortunately that is a finish for her. I dont know if its worse getting nothing at all, but every time i get angry and more frustrated. I feel that i am such an idiot starting it, becuase when its 'over' i realise that i knew how i was going to feel. I spoke to her earlier about her attitudes to sex and what not. One thing that came out of this was that she wasnt really interested in taking part in sexual activities. She said that she feels that she should be, but she just isnt. Maybe this may change, but i dont know. I am going overseas in less than a week, on my own, on a tour that is well known for lots of sexual activity and drinking. I am trying to look at it as just a tour of New Zealand, and not be interested in the sex side of it. That is really what i want, but my problem is that i am very worried i may not be able to stop myself cheating on my partner if the opportunity arose, because I have so much built up sexual frustration. I know if i was to cheat, it would be the end of the relationship. I couldnt hide something like that. Am i wrong to feel this way? I am not using this sexual frustration as a 'good reason' to cheat, and i am not trying to seek aproval to cheat from people who reply to this. I really do disagree with being unfaithful and i dont want to hurt my partner, but at the same time i need some lovin that im not getting. Comments? Thanks.
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Fraternity amongst students in different cultures
Alex84 replied to Iori_Yagami's topic in Relationship Advice
I just recently finished an engeering degree in Australia. Students in Australia are told plagerism is a very serious offence. However, i hate to admit it, but everyone i knew, including myself, plagerised work. In fact, i knew of a time where an identical major report was handed in. It was done in the previous year, handed to the same lecturer, and it wasnt picked up on. Is it unfair on the people who dont plagerise? Yes, but there arnt any of them because everyone realises the advantages. Work smarter, not harder. Make friends and get help, get more access to past material. Half my course were international students, i found culture made no difference. "Not rivalry and competition, but help and protection." This is exactly how it was at my uni. My degree was designed to get people working in groups, but if it wasnt for other people i dont think i would have got through the degree. Not just becuase we were working together, but more resources were available (ie, past exams, past projects) My attitude, although bad, was that until lecturers put the time and effort into marking and caring about students, i wouldnt put the effort into learning. Will this affect me when i start work? no, because employers have no expections! The university i attended was more concerned about earning money through research that producing top quality graduates. The same exams were given to students each year. They arnt hard to get a hold of, althought lecturers try prevent it. 25% of my exams/test i had seen before. 95% of the projects i did i had seen before, and had reports/answers. They dont give a * * * *, and pretend we dont have them. Throughout my degree we have been told we are learning to learn, and our degee is there to show we are capable of learning difficult things. They are so desperate for engineers over here in Australia, and perhaps that is the problem. The standard will decrease, but in the case of my uni, they dont care, and no matter what they say, they wont punish plagerism because they cant be bothered going through the process to find, and then do something about it. They pretend it doesnt happen. I did find studying on my own more difficult. But my job is about putting heads together and solving a problem. Working in a group is what I will be doing. I am really anti university because i believe my degree is no longer worth much. Yeh i have an engineering degree, but really, its easier to get than it should be. I dont know if i answered your questions directly, i only skimmed your post. I wanted to add my 2 cents because its related to the issues i have had in my degree. -
Ah, sorry to have suggested you cheated, i must not have read it properly! I posted a thing on a similar forum to this one (it may have been this one) asking if i should tell my girlfriend about one past experience i had. I had told her that i had no sexual experience, which was a lie. The act was quite minor, but still, i know it matters to her. The general response was that i shouldnt tell her. I took that advice. I think its a valid point about how he may want you to break up with him. I was in a similar situation as you. i never asked her why she was holding onto the relationship, but i wondered it. I did sometimes hope i could talk her into breaking up, so it would be easier for me. So it was more like an agreement. I know it was really horrible of me, but perhaps he is thinking the same kind of thing. I could be completely wrong, but theres my experience. I can understand why he may have slight trust issues, but you didnt cheat on him, and what you have done isnt a huge deal. Like i said in my last post, i dont think you deserve that treatment even if you did cheat, let alone a few lies. Life is a lesson. You sound like you know went about it the wrong way. This is not as bigger deal as he is making it. You dont want to lose him, but i think whats more important is you dont want a life where your partner is trying to control you I strongly advise against agreeing to this deal. Tell him he is important to you, and you have learnt from your mistake. I think you should say you wont agree to his terms and if he dont like it then he doesnt deserve you. You will not end up being happy. You wont have lost anything if he doesnt respect you.
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I think he is being really harsh. He either forgives you and you can get on with your lives together, or he doesnt and you go your separate ways. Love is unconditional, and there shouldnt be any 'deals'. This is a deal for life. You will be committing to staying a certain size for your life. That is totally unfair of him. Its nice to stay fit for your partner, but is he going to end it if you go the next size up? You cant live with that over your head. Stand up for yourself. If you dont, how do you think he will think he can treat you from this point on? If you do lose him because you wont agree to the deal, then he wasnt worth being with. Nobody deserves conditions or deals like that, whether you cheated or not.
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I think you could be right, AntiLove_SuperStar. This is quite interesting: The other day my gf asked me if id like to go on a week holiday with her. Of course i said yes and i was very happy with this. I told her we would talk about it later, because we were both working at the time. So i bring it up that night and she didnt say much, so i left it and i tried again a few days later. Again she wasnt interested, so by now im thinking she didnt mean what she said. So the third time, i just came out with "are we going away before i start my job or not?". She says no. Her reason? because she wants to pay for her parents and herself to go away (they are both turning 50, so its a bday pressy for them both), and will thereforeeee have no money to go anywhere with me. How bloody rude is this. Ive been asking and asking to go away, and the minute her mum says "i feel like a holiday" she goes and make plans for that! "She isn't making you a main priority in her life" you got it right on there. Am i being stupid or is this really quite rude of her? AntiLove_SuperStar: i have noticed your posts are generally quite negative of relationships, and i have just noticed your name. I can see your point but cant help thinking you werent looking for a positive suggestion?
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Im in Australia, so NZ is not far for me. I have explained how important it is to me. She deliboratley took holidays to avoid going away with me last year, and she seems to be doing it again this year. It is deliborate, 100%. I start full time work after finishing my degree, she knows when i start work. My girlfriend has been told to take holidays, there is an overlap of 1 week we could go somewhere before I start work, but she is looking at taking holidays outside that. Not only that, but looking to go on a week holiday! She went on a weeks trip when she was 18 on her own. I am surrounded my people my age who travel with their partners. Its something i have always wanted to do, and i dont just feel bad coz i dont get what i want, but i get it exposed to other people doing thngs i would like to be doing with my partner. I 100% believe it is her mothers wishes for her not to go with me. It annoys me because i know she wants to have holidays, and yeh, would like to go with me. But she doesnt want to upset her mum! As for the numbering thing, its not like it sounds. I just want my needs and wants to be put ahead of her mothers when the times call. Placing pressure on her daughter to not have sex because she would feel responsible for a baby is way to extreme. Her mum knows she wont do anything to upset her. This is completely unfair.
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Texting has recently just affected my relationship. I sent a msg to my girlfriend that was ment for someone else. She wouldnt come with me to be social with friends so i typed a msg for my mate saying that she wouldnt come, but i also added that there was drama about it (again, coz there always is when i ask her to come out with friends). Accidently sent it to her. Big mistake. I guess thats slightly differnt to what the topic is on here, but its related. If i had of called my friend i wouldnt be in trouble.
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I agree with melrich - it devaules a relationship. It causes far too much misscommunication, which thereforeeee leads into arguments. So i guess it could ruin a relationship that way. I have trouble with this is my current relationship.
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I understand your point MapleLeafinTX. "If you have such crucial differences, it might be an indicator that you could fly to other skies." This is what i think. Its hard though, when i try to talk to her about it, she just says im moving too fast and she wants what i want eventually. pinkelephant: you are a bit younger, but would you avoid travelling with your partner becuase your mum didnt want you to go? would not have sex because your mum didnt want you to have sex? My girlfriends mum tells her that she would feel at fault if she was to get pregnant. No mother wants her daughter to have sex, and im sure this isnt the entire reason for us not having sex, but can you imagine the pressure she is puting on her daughter? Im all for my partner having a close relationship with her mum, but not when we lose control of our relationship because somebody else has a say. I feel it everytime, and maybe im wrong sometimes, but because i expect it, i look for reasons how it may be her mother affecting what we do. Is it her mother, or is it really her? will it ever change? I dont know! Maybe its not wanting to be number one, maybe its that i feel im a distant number two. All i know is i wont be happy if it stays this way.
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Yeh, you are right there. Doing something else wouldnt work for me. I want a relationship were we are a couple, and do things together. We both work, dont live with each other, so we really only spend time together on the weekends. I dont mind spending time with her family, just not all the time. I like the she is family orientated, its just i didnt expect my wants and needs to be pushed aside. I really think the problem is that she wants to please her mum, which is fine, but she can do that and please me as well. I hate that i complain about her mum coz i know she is really close to her, but i want to be the number 1 in her life.
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Hey kellbell, thanks for the reply! We do have things in common, I just have focused on things we dont. I understand your point though. I spoke to her about our differences, but she says she wants the same as me. But not yet. I think she is more concerned with keeping her family happy, more specifically her mother, than me. I dont know if it will change. Its so hard to know what to do. Is it better to find out she was the right girl, or stay with her and not know anything else? Geez, lifes complicated.
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Sorry about the long post, i like to write about things on my mind to help me stop thinking about them. There are questions that cant be answered, but its questions i ask myself. Maybe you have comments or advise? If you do read it and have feedback then it will be very appreciated. How do you know if you are going to be happy with a particular person? I have been with my girlfriend for almost 3 years, i am 22, and im concerned about our future. She is 20, and we are both each others first serious partner. I sometimes think that maybe one day i am going to start thinking that i should have experienced other relationships before settling down. If i end it, will i regret it or was it a good decision? Its tough. Part of the reasons are that her family is so big, and she puts her family in front of me far too much. I want a family person, but i think she puts our relationship behind that of her family. She says "Family will always be there", but does that imply she doesnt think i will be? When do i become family to her? I am travelling to New Zealand at the end of the year, on my own. Why on my own? because she didnt want to travel with me. No friends could come with me so im going on my own. Because i am going on my own, in doing Contiki, which if you dont know it well known for drinking and sex. I am not going for sex though. I would not cheat on any partner. Before i get married i want to see the world with my partner, she doesnt seem interested in traveling with me, going as far as deliboratly taking holidays when i cant to avoid the possibility. While sex has come up, that is an issue too. I am far from satisfied sexually, she knows it, but it never gets better. It seems she feels sex is dirty and not important in relationships. You can only share that physical closeness with one person. She tells me she wants the same as me, but not yet. She still wants to be her 'mums baby'. I feel she just does anything to make her mum happy. If her mum wants it, she does it. If her mum doesnt want her to do something, she wont. That applies to the travelling and the intimacy. I dont want a relationship controlled by my partners mums wishes. I have brought this issue up but she just says "we come from a different type of family", which really doesnt help me. We did almost break up the other week. One thing she told me then was that she feels comfortable with me, and thinks that isnt easy to achieve with people. I am not sure if what she really means is that she feels comfortable with me now, and doesnt think she will feel that with anyone else. She feels i dont listen to her, dont tell her things. I guess its the communication thing. She thinks I am after "a perfect" girl, and that i am too picky at small things. I argue different about the perfect girl, but i am picky. I just want to know she is right for me. I feel its me that will make this relationship work, by accpeting my girlfriend, and the issues i have written about above. I am just after peoples oppinions on how important these issues are to you, maybe someone has had a similar experience with one or some of my issues? Am i being stupid about one or all of the issues I have? If these are my only issues am i lucky? Although this post is very negative of our relationship, there are lots of good points. I would like you to focus on the issues I have, not that I have lots of problems. I want you to be honest. Again, sorry about the long post. I appreciate any replies!
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I agree with that. Its stupid in that case, but im my oppinion trust is extremely important, and if she dont trust her bf then they shouldnt be together anyway, and it should have been talked about (that she doesnt trust him). I did get help, and thanks for your thoughts and comments!
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I am not missing the context, i dont have concrete information, so it could be wrong. i understand. But you try hearing something that could affect someone you care about and the thoughts that come with it. It may be little, but he is family. I came here to get peoples perspectives, and you have convinced me to not worry about it. So thanks for the replies.
- 15 replies
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- getting back with ex
- brother
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(and 1 more)
Tagged with: