First Date after Break Up

[bella321]

It's been 10 weeks since I moved out of the apt I shared with my ex. ( we were together 3 yeras) It's been really hard but I've been staying busy with work, activities, and friends and feel like myself and that I am a complete person without him. I met a guy at a party last week and he called and asked me out for this week. I really liked talking to him at the party and found him attractive and was really excited for him to call. Now that he has and we've made plans, I'm so nervous to be one on one with a man that's not my ex-boyfriend. I want to be my best self on this date and enjoy myself but I'm concerned that it might trigger memories of my ex and my sadness over being apart from him. I do want to move on and get to know other people but I'm just scared because I haven't done this in 3 years! I would love to hear about your first date after break up experiences!

[robowarrior]

You can't bring back the past, but you can improve the future. That's what your ex is , memories, that are to be forgotten and buried, don't cling to the past and don't mention the ex to your new love. No one wants to hear about your ex(exept here on enotalone), especially not your new bf. Don't do it because he'll get the feeling your comparing him to your ex. Just relax and love him unconditionally ok?

[need2bme]

You WILL be nervous and there WILL be some things that remind you of your ex and you WILL compare him to your ex. That is how it goes.

 

But, if you know this and take a deep breath and know that he is into you enough to ask you out, then you WILL also find some neat things about him and you WILL find out things that make him special and different than the ex.

 

Just pay attention to how he pays attention and how he makes you feel. Above all, it has only been a short while since you guys separated, so be careful and just guard your emotions. Don't jump too quickly, but DO enjoy yourself.

[nicolasa]

I admire you because I have been in a relationship that I know is not right for me with a person I have loved for 14 years. I have children with him, so that makes it hard too. I want to root for you and tell you to remember why you're not with your ex and let time heal the rest. Go forward.

[EddieRentz]

I am going through the same thing as you. Met a really great, smart, attractive woman. Spent time with her - had A LOTTTTT of fun.

 

Just focus your attention on this guy, getting to know him and starting to let him know who you are (we have to remember we exist outside our old relationships - it is hard, trust me I know).

 

I came away from 2 of the most fun, exciting weekends of my life still thinking that the person I was with was great, even perhaps more fun to be with than, but still not my ex. I guess this takes time for all of us.

 

Definitely do not talk about your ex though... It is a downward spiral. Everyone has been telling me to take things slowly and I think that is the right approach...

[bella321]

Thanks, everyone for rooting for me. We went on the date but it did not go so well. I thought everything was going well, we had a lot to talk about, etc. Then about 30 minutes into the date he mentioned that he is supposed to attend a work function tonight. I was surprised and asked when it started and he told me that it already started but runs late so when I ditch him, he will head over there. Although he said he was considering ditching the event to continue hanging out with me. Then 40 minutes later after 2 drinks, he was like, I'm really sorry but I have to go to this event. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I thought that it was really inconsiderate of him to plan a date with me without specifying the timing when he had a prior obligation. If I had known he needed to leave by 9PM, I would have made other plans to meet my friends, etc. Anyway, he said he wanted to see me again and that it was really important to take things slow (it was our first date!). Anyway, he sent me a text message the next day saying that he regretted ending our date. We had a good time when he wasn't ditching me but I think his behavior does not warrant a second date. The good part is that I got out there and even though I had a bad date, I didn't fall apart remembering my ex.

[finewhine]

Hey, bella, my first date after my breakup sucked too. You're taking the right attitude - YOU DID IT!!! You went on a date with someone who wasn't your ex! You passed that milestone!

 

In a way, be happy that the guy wasn't worthy of a second date. You're probably not ready to be in a relationship anyway, and meeting someone special right now would be sorta pointless. It was like a practice run, and you succeeded.

 

Hooray for you!

[cordelia]

You could always try a 2nd date and see how that goes..you never know! I was with someone for about 8 mos and when we broke up I was really heartbroken. So I waited a good 4 mos before even attempting to date anyone because I wanted to be fully recovered and have a good time on my next "first date". Well it ended up going extremely well and we went out for year after that! Doesn't happen for everyone, but don't give up. Just date around and see what's out there. And if your not ready yet, then give yourself some more time.

[EddieRentz]

Bella - that tactic is actually quite common nowadays.

 

It isn't a show of disinterest, but rather how guys date now. I have heard the tactic from more than a few of my "confirmed bachelor" friends over the years.

 

I have been out of the game for about 7 years... so maybe I am old fashioned, but I think it is in terribly poor taste... unfortuatley it is quite common now.

 

I think is more indicative of the fact that he is either A) a guy who dates ALOT or B) a guy who is getting some bad advice from friends who date ALOT... not necessarily that he is rude.

 

Maybe a phone conversation is worth your time before deciding about a second date. See if you can ascertain whether he is a serial dater... if you care to know....