why does he do this if he "loves me so much"

[aymee_lee]

Oh Yeah,

 

I have just found your post and read through it. Every time I have seen your posts and read them I have always thought 'Look at that girl, she is just gorgeous!' and it sounds like you are gorgeous on the inside too.

 

You will only leave when you are ready, but I hope that is soon. Imagine if one of your friends was telling you this stuff about their own relationship- what would you think? Go with your gut. You know the way he is treating you is bad.

 

I was with my first bf from 17-21. There weren't the issues you had, but we did break up. The hardest thing for me was realising that I was wrong- we weren't going to grow up and get married and have kids and...everything else you wish would happen with your first love. But realise this- you will be ok.

 

Good luck x

[Northalius]

Your boyenemy (not friend) has major mental / emotional problems. You do not love him, you just love how he acted toward you at certain times during your relationship. People can act nice, but not be nice. It's called "deception" and being a "liar".

 

You fell in love with what you thought he was, but he is NOT that person.

 

He threatened you? Do you love being threatened?

 

LEAVE NOW!

 

Tell your father about him threatening you, and about him grabbing you like this. The longer you wait, the worse it's going to become... TRUST ME!

 

Get out now, and tell someone about this ASAP. He is NOT mentally stable!

 

He does not love you!

 

Love is not just a word, but an action! Actions speak way louder than words! So stop believing he loves you, just because he says it... once in a blue moon.

 

As I said to others lately: It's all about self-respect! He is taking advantage of you, because he see's how much you do not respect yourself enough to stand up for yourself on a constant basis. Notice how he fell like a ton of bricks once you finally stopped giving in to his BS and were about to walk out? He saw that you finally drew the line, and started to respect yourself. You must do this on a constant basis! If you do not respect yourself, then that gives bullies and/or jerks like this guy the 'go ahead' to not respect you, and thus take advantage of you; it gives them the opportunity to become 'the master'! While you, willingly and somehow subconsciously, take on the role of 'puppet'... with all strings attached.

 

Sorry if I sound harsh, but I can't stand it when guys try to control girls like this, and ESPECIALLY hate when I hear they physically grab them violently or threaten them! Please, I'm begging you now, get out of this mess.

[oh yeah]

hey guys, just coming to update you. I know that everything your saying is true, however... like in the above post, i really bothers me that you can say i dont love my bf. please dont challenge my feelings for him. i know i love him and have now come to the realization he probably doesnt love me, like you all have said. anyway, as far as how things have been going... surprisingly they have been going fine. but like someone posted, it could just be the holidays. i mean hes tal,king so sweet to me, treating me like a princess. on new years he called me crying sayinghe was sorry for the past yr and he was ready to change etc. and ever since then hes kept his word. im not sure what that means but as much as i enjoy his treatment now, i dont know how ling it can last. i know im prepared to leave him for good if he ever lays a hand on me... i guess thats improvement. anyways thank you all for listening, you're great people.

[treefrogkate]

I don't think there's any doubt you love him. If you didn't, you would have been gone by now.

 

I'm crying as I type this out to you. I wasted 6 years of my life with a man that abused me. I never thought it was "bad enough" to make me leave. It wasn't like he was hitting me or anything, and since we were married, who was I to say that when he came at me in the middle of the night and I screamed no that it was rape? He loved me, right?

 

Abusers may love somewhere in their hearts, but it isn't the same kind of love we feel. It is a love of power, and of having control over the other person and over the relationship. The abuser puts his target down until they no longer have a desire to leave because they don't feel they're worth it, or they fear that no one will ever love them. The fact that he calls you names, controls who you see, what you wear, etc., seems even more serious to me than one instance of physically acting out (which is not to say that that wasn't bad in and of itself).

 

I know you don't want to hear that you are young, but life changes, you will change, after high school. Do you really want to go through the rest of your years being told you are a sl*t (when you obviously are not), being told who you can see, what you can wear, where you can go?

 

I know I'm a complete stranger and I don't know you, I don't know your boyfriend, and who am I to say what's best for you? I can't make you make a decision. I can't even make you read this. I am just hoping that you don't fall into the same trap that I did.

 

I met my ex-husband when I was 21. Now I'm 29. I'm in love and happy now, but why did I let myself waste all of those years?

 

Please talk to someone you know and trust about this.

[Joneysnai]

wow, he is definitely not worth it and doesn't love you as you think. loving someone doesn't mean emotional abuse. the way he treats is really disrespectful, do u really want a guy who has no respect for you? it's almost like he gets off treating you like that becuase he knows he can always say whatever he wants to you. hurtful things, demeaning things and then come back and say sorry.

 

he doesn't love you, if he did he wouldn't treat u like that. period.

[StarLily]

do u guys think that if i leave him he'll realize he wasnt treating me right and come back and change?

 

It shouldn't matter. If he does realize how bad he treated you and tries to come back, don't take him back. It will teach him a lesson and you will find someone better, who will never, ever treat you badly.

I don't think anyone is challenging your feelings for him. What you have to do though is think about all the times he made you mad or cry... Is it a lot of times? I bet it is.. Just.. get pissed off at him. You will be surprised how much that helps the pain.

[redrose85]

I'm surprised no one said that earlier. Yes, allow yourself to be angry. You have every right to be, and it really does help. Whenever I began to feel sad just after leaving my bf, or remember the few and far between good times, I made myself feel angry instead, for everything I was put through. It helped me heal way more quickly in my opinion.

 

And... you WILL find someone better, who will treat you like a princess all the time, not just when he is fearful of losing control over you.

[oh yeah]

Update:

well friday it happened again. i came out of my last class to meet him and he accused me of talking to some guy "he walked by and saw me". i exlained to him exactly what happened... the guy asked me if i sat in this seat that the teacher moved me to and it was the guys former seat; he was unaware i had taken his seat so i told the guy yes, it was my seat and that was the end of our conversation. by bf freaked out and told me i promised i wouldnt talk to guys and "the point was i broke my promise". i said i couldnt take his jealosy andmore and he kept threatening to break up with me so i finally convinced him to just break up with me. i took him home from school even after he broke up with me and when we got to his house i got out of the car and cried my eyes out in his arms and told him i was sorry even though i knew i did nothing wrong. he yelled at me so i bit him lol... i know, stupid move then i felt bad and said i wa sorry a million times and that i loved him. time passed and he would up just going inot his house and leaving me. i called him and he said he's call me back later. 2 hrs. later he didnt so i called back. his sister answered and said my bf said he didnt want to talk to me ever again and that hes sorry. so, i went to his house. his sis answered the door and told him i was there. i wiated in his living room like 45 min. before he even came downstirs to see me. he explained he didnt want me nemore. compared me to his ex saying she respected him more and made me cry some more. i couldnt take it anymore so i said i was leaving. i tried to get out his front door and he pushed me around and didnt let me leave. at that point i knew i wasnt going back to him. after pushing me around for like 15 min. i finally left. i tried to give him a hug goodbye but he didnt want it so i left. this wasl ike at 4 pm. i didnt go home. i stayed out with a friend until like 10 pm when i got a call from him asking where i was. i lied and said i was home. he said.. "well then u got the flowers right"? i had no clue what he was talking about. he knew i lied and proceeded to explain to me how he walked (about 2 miles) to my house, in the rain may i add, sat outside my garage for 2 hrs waiting for me to get home with flowers trying to apologize etc. because he supposidly loved and missed me... and of course by the next day i gave in and we're back together. ugh.

why cant i leave for good. in the moment i was so sure id never come back, why cant i stick to this. ugh this relationship is so frustrating.

 

thanks for all of you who listen

[Hope75]

Oh Yeah,

 

You haven't left because you haven't made up your mind yet that this relationship is terrible for you and that someone who lays his hands on you in a violent way and controls you like he does is NOT showing you love and respect.

 

We can tell you a million times... but until you realize it for yourself, nothing is going to change.

[xmrth]

What are you waiting for? Seriously, ask yourself that question: WHAT in the world are you waiting for? Because there's not a chance in the world that this is going to get better. This is who he is-- that cannot change. There are people like that-- they are like that, they do not change. And the longer you let this drag on, the harder it's going to be because you're going to keep having all those second thoughts with all the new memories. You're making it harder on yourself, and you don't even know what it's like to have really broken up. The first night obviously is going to be tough, so any time this happens you're going to be convinced you'll feel that terrible forever! You don't know what its like to be broken up. What about a month broken up? What about seeing what life is like to not be controlled? How will life be like when you meet a man who has a car and treats you with love and respect and doesn't make you promise him to never ever talk to another guy again, ever. That is sick that your boyfriend said you broke your promise and talked to a guy.

 

And respecting him? The words respecting coming from your boyfriend means "Let me control you. My ex let me control her! She behaved! She listened to my demands!"

 

It's like a train wreck... I don't mean to be harsh, but this is a train wreck. Obviously there's going to be good times because you're dating!

 

WHY wait around for nothing? WHY not go and get a new boyfriend all together? A new, better boyfriend. A man! I mean, come on, he walked how many miles to your house to give you flowers after he treats you this way? That's creepy, he is unstable. He treats you like that and then he truly believes in himself that walking all the way to your house in the rain with flowers means everything's all better. He's insulting you with that but he knows that's all it takes to make you come around again.

 

I really do agree with a poster who said to tell your parents... or tell your friends. Tell anyone and everyone because maybe you just need some help getting away from him. You just need to understand...

 

Do you have a job? Does he allow you to have a job? There's guys there-- what's that going to be like? Are you going to college, or will he allow you to? You have to think about things like that... and know that it only gets worse and never better.

[redrose85]

Rather than crying in his arms. turn around, walk away, and go cry in a friend's arms all you want. You were so close! Throw out the flowers, quite answering his calls. Call the shots, and tell him it's over. It's all a game to him.

 

I wanted to add, a great song to listen to, to give you strength, is No More Drama by Mary J Blige. Even if you don't like that type of music, it really helps!