Don't know what my problem is

[dil]

Exactly the title.

 

On some intellectual level, I have determined my situation to be petty. Yet I feel utterly miserable.

 

Why do I demand so much out of myself? Why can't I study? Who am I? Why can't I stand up for myself?

 

I have no idea what I want in life, except some vague notions about love and perfection.

 

I have complexes. I want to be famous, but I'm not sure how I would go about doing that. I'm writing a book....

 

I feel like I'm heading towards that dark place, the category of 'failed intellectual'. What's the point of being smart if I can't even drive myself enough to get a degree? Why the hell am I in sciences? What's the point of being interesting if no one takes an interest in you? What's the point in being pretty if no guy likes you? Scratch that, I guess being a radical is taking 'interesting' to a far new disurbing level.

 

Quite possibly the worst thing to be is a failed intellectual. First of all, nobody understand you, you get stuck at some dead-end job which you hate and have to deal with people that are more stupid than you who treat you as a lower class citizen.

 

It was simple, it's just 4 years, I can discipline myself for four years, to at least get a bachelor's or something. it's simple. So simple, it's contemptible.

 

I think I failed my physics exam because I studied a total of ~3 hours. this is a university exam, people spend like 10 hours studying for those. Why'd I have to go to this stupidly hard university. I don't feel I belong there. I'm alone. It's a type of university where people buy badges saying the name of the university to sew onto their backpacks to show off the fact that they're going there. What a joke. I almost hate this place.

 

I'm so afraid of failing, and can't deal with it. I avoid everything. So...if I fail I might want to die, but I don't try very hard either, that makes no sense. Unless on some level I just want to end it all.

[agent1607307371]

Dil, I know it doesn't help very much but pretty much everyone around you is feeling the same, misfits trying to fit in. Depression among uni students is very common, you're thrown head first into a completely new life. If you can, try to speak to the councelling services there.

 

If you really hate the university so much, don't forget that you can transfer. Nothing is set in stone. Don't be afraid to say, this isn't for me. 4 years where you are not happy will drag.

 

You don't try because that makes the failure acceptable, to try and then fail is infinitely worse than not trying and then failing. You don't want to be famous, you want recognition. Try to work at accepting yourself as enough.

 

(And don't fret about the exam. I used to worry myself sick, and always passed.)

[emma34]

Everybody has their moment in university where they have to reevaluate what they are doing.

 

What I STRONGLY suggest is going to see a counsellor on campus - they can help you figure out why you didn't study for your other exam, and help you with strategies for your next one, as well as what else is going on in your life.

 

Remember this is a really stressful time (finals - ugh) and your not the only one feeling the succeed or die complex. Tough it out for now. No mattter why you are at university, obviously you believe you have the right to be there, and since you are obviously very intelligent..use your gift!

 

sometimes when i find myself overwhelmed with school, I often misplace this anxiety. Take a minute to go outside, get some fresh air, take a few breaths, maybe write down your feelings...

 

again - your school likely has counsellors on staff for students experiencing stress related to school or not - i have been to them myself, positive experieence

 

good luck to you

[dil]

Maybe it's the 3 hours I spend on the transport system a day. I don't live on campus.

 

I think I'm in the wrong faculty. but my parents wanted me to be a doctor and now that I backed away from it, they still want me to be in sciences. I hate lying to everyone.

 

Everytime someone says you should follow your own dreams/do what you love, I die a bit inside. Everyone says it frequently. And I lie.

 

I'm seeing a coucellor, all she does is look concerned and empathetic. She's alright, but not that great.

[emma34]

Your on the right track...finding what is the problem. the "parent wanted me to be..." is so common and it often finds ppl quite lost at university when they find out its not for them.

 

Take an elective next term in a different faculty....sciences are good to have in most faculties anyway...so if u decide to change, its probably ok.

 

Find out what you really want to do, see a mentor, do some research on it...and then chase it, and remember most ppl change their mind ten times! Seeing as your only 18, I say, don't rush yourself now...you have lots of time ahead of you!

[agent1607307371]

Is there anyway you can get to live on campus? That might help, university is as much about the social life as the academics.

[dil]

yeah, it's a real downer, I have often wanted to go to club meetings and such, but because of the commute time..often these activities are in the evening, I have no way to go to them.

 

my social life is not a complete failure, but I eat alone on fridays.

 

I know I have alot of time, but I have alot of anxiety. I don't want to go into debt. It costs 10,000 to live on campus for a year, the books and course fees for a year comes to around 6000. I don't think I have the money.

 

I'm not remotely well-off, this is another point of pressure. My parents want me to be well off so I won't have to suffer the middle-class lifestyle. They call it a rat race.

 

I picture myself, in 3rd year, horribly in debt, flunking out and paying for it for a decade. But I might not even make it that far apparently.

[dil]

I have some sort of napolean complex...

 

or maybe cleopatra..I don't know.

[itsallgrand]

dil,

 

C'mon now. I read it all, and I understand your real pain about this. The part that gets me is this :

 

Quite possibly the worst thing to be is a failed intellectual. First of all, nobody understand you, you get stuck at some dead-end job which you hate and have to deal with people that are more stupid than you who treat you as a lower class citizen.

 

And you know this because you have lived this?

 

Shyte girl, I have lived that. Your theory is bunk.

 

It almost (not quite) angers me to read that.

First off: Being a 'failed' intellectual - in your own eyes or in anyone else's - is not the worse thing. Don't make me list things that are worse!

You get over your own egotism and need for approval. You learn to please yourself first, no matter who understands or who doesn't. You learn to work for yourself.

 

Your folks probably already know this, and have tried to make the way easier for you: so you can avoid that reality. You'll have to learn it on your own; but you can do it while going to uni and yes, even if you go into debt. The education will pay for it later.

 

You get stuck in some dead end job: Depends if you choose that and how poor you are to begin with, what opportunities you have been given and found for yourself.

You were given a huge opportunity. Unless you decide to give up on life and become suicidal or become a drug addict or something; any dead end job you get now will pay more than I ever started with. You'll be able to live and have choice.

Now it is up to you.

 

Even a dead end job can be 'enlightening'. You learn things alright. Like how nice it would be to sit in school.

 

People that are stupider than you are? Ha! Enter the uni or where there are 'recognized intellectuals' or those with big pay cheques and all the symbols of success and tell me there aren't just as many stupid people there! And people who blow your mind and make you seem intellectually challenged. The badges people wear and who they really are seldom match up.

 

.............

 

You'll have time this summer to find a job. Why not pick something out of your zone and explore your self and your world? Pick something where you will have to socialize, too. Somewhere where you might even get a chance to eat and cook for others..that can be done, with a little effort.

 

You will figure this out and succeed. There are no rules anymore. If you make a mistake, you will find a way to keep going. That is all you need to know and do. You can't make any mistake that will stop your parents from loving you, or from you leading a good life if you choose.

 

You are doing great. Don't forget - if you need breaks, it is ok. It is okay to say to someone who can help you with the schedules and practicalities: 'hey, I am getting tired and down, and need to change something here. Can you help?'

 

take care. I hope you feel better soon.

[dil]

People that are stupider than you are? Ha! Enter the uni or where there are 'recognized intellectuals' or those with big pay cheques and all the symbols of success and tell me there aren't just as many stupid people there! And people who blow your mind and make you seem intellectually challenged. The badges people wear and who they really are seldom match up.

 

not everyone who gets a degree is 'intelligent', but you have to be smart to be where I am (with an average of 88% or higher). But I'm still alone because I'm a 'dork amongst dorks'. Or because I'm in the wrong faculty, but being in philosophy will not get me a job, but I'm looking into psychology, it seems interesting. I feel frustrated because the things I really really have a thing for will lead me to a starving lifestyle.

 

I'm not an elitist type who sneers down upon stupid people though, I worked at Mcdonalds for a year and I liked the people I worked with. It's just the job made me go braindead, literally, I'd do absentmindedly stupid things because I was so bored my brain shut down.

 

I have met one elitist jerk who can match/supersede me intellectually. All the guys I have known to be more intelligent than me have had problems with arrogance. (most of them I've known on the net, first time I've met someone who matched/superseded me). This is for philosophy more specifically.

 

I also can't complain in real life (about life), I do it online because people get pissed off at me, because they want to be in my position. I just complain about how it's hard, which it is.

[Orlander]

Dil, it is my suggestion that you check out another therapist.

[dil]

yay! I somehow by some miracle of nature passed all my exams.

 

I have a B average

 

I don't know who I should thank, not my hard-workingness....maybe...scaling?

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Oh, I wished you lived near me, you ARE the Canadian Me. I AM the British YOU. Whatever.

 

Aside from wanting to famous, we are extremely alike. I'm trying to overcome perfectionism as well - I used to wonder why I had NO motivation for anything. Then I realised that I was using the ultimate failure-avoidance strategy - not trying.

 

If I can't be the "perfect" girlfriend/friend/daughter/student/citizen, I don't tend to bother, and shoot everyone down with sarcasm.

 

Step 1 - lose addiction to Perfection? If you do it, tell me how, send a PM

[dil]

I don't have any excuses to end my life! muahaah (eye of the storm?)

[CynicalGuitarist]

Failed Intellectual? Try being a failed musician... people all over ridicule me in any way possible because of this. They think I'm "crazy" for wanting to play Jazz or whatever *I know I really really suck at it* but it's really all I live for. I don't even have a job, and I've tried about 20 places in the past 4-5 months... no luck. I sometimes think there's a conspiracy against me... they know who I am, my ambitions, and they don't want me to escape from this prison because of what I'll say against "the system" if my music were to become noticed in some way.

 

At least you go to a Uni too... I'm stuck in community college for all the times I !@#$ed up in high school and will likely be stuck living at home until I'm 26; thus I be humiliated and have no social life because of it.

 

Life is beautiful, innit?

[Carl5000]

Why dont you start living for yourself rather than in the eyes of other people. Everyone would be suicidal if they they tried living upto the cultural and social ideals of perfection. Would being a famous musician and having a celebs pad in notting hill make you happy? i doubt it somehow.

 

You'd start questioning the superficial bs of the world and how everyone likes you for your achievements and not for ur soul. I'm not denying other ppl matter but to let them consume ur inner self worth its completey laughable.

 

lol dil maybe my definition of 'arrogance' is wrong. Although, isn't worrying about working with lower class citizens who are stupid, a form of arrogance? There is nothing wrong with arrogance in eyes, its just a natural state of mind when your superior in a particular field.

[dil]

I eat alone. I feign normality in classes so at least I can talk to some people some of the time.

 

The worst part of eating alone is that it's embarrassing. I'm a market anarchist now, on top of rabid atheism. Sometimes I think I want to suffer, but I really can't help being this way. If I fail I'm going to try to kill myself, but....I'm not going to try very hard either because I'm insanely arrogant. that makes no sense.