NC is about to end. How do I cope?

[Imperceptible]

I have a new boyfriend. He'll never replace my ex but he still makes me very happy. It's been 29 days of NC with my ex and NC will end soon. My boyfriend and I was invited to a mutual friend's birthday/job promotion party next week. I found out my ex will be there too. I still have feelings for my ex!

 

My friends told me I'm overreacting. But whenever my single friends break up with a SO they act like their world is about to end. I can't count on them to support me right now. What should I do? I know he will try to talk to me at the party because he asked my friend if I was coming even though he was the one who broke up with me.

 

I don't want him scaring my boyfriend away but I don't want to be mean or tell my ex to go to hell because I think we can be friends down the road after I get over him. How can I survive this party without cutting my ex completely out of my life?

[Imperceptible]

My friend asked my ex why do you want to know if Cass is coming? My ex shrugged and told her "I don't know. I was just wondering."

 

Why bother when we're not together?

[Blue Skittles]

My first question is - if you are not over your ex, then why are you with the new guy? He is obviously just a rebound.

 

Anyways, best advice I can give you is to go to the party and just have fun with your boyfriend. Try to be amicable with your ex but keep it brief. A simple "hello, howz it goin?" will be fine. No need to spend all night talking to him.

[Hope75]

Is this a party that you absolutely need to attend?

 

If so, and the ex approaches you, just say a polite hello, and if he attempts to make conversation, excuse yourself and walk away.

 

There is no need to make a scene, but if you feel like you will get overly emotional (especially in front of your new guy) it's best to keep contact to a minimum with your ex.

 

How long have you and the ex been broken up?

 

How long have you been with the new boyfriend?

 

Just curious... if you are still missing your ex and having feelings for him, is it fair to the new bf or to you, that you are dating him?

 

I know I'd feel very hurt and sad if my bf was dating me but said I'd never replace his ex and that he still had feelings for her.

[dnozzle]

You should probably not be dating someone new yet if you still have feelings like that for your ex. Do you want to burn this new guy? What happens if he falls for you and then finds out that you still want your ex?

 

I think it is better to take a break in between relationships to grieve and heal before trying again. Otherwise you just bounce from one rebound to another and never really work on the issues you have to deal with. You just keep slapping band-aids on the broken heart.

[silentalways]

just another idea...not saying i would or its doable, but i would think if this is the first time yer ex bf will see u in a while, and u him, and ju will be with yer new love and in a crowded place - talk to each other - if i was the ex bf, i would just take the night off and not go so they can relax and have fun because u know everyone wkill be watching like those tabloid stackergrapohics and who needs that drama - hey, fer me it's only one night and just a party. i would rather sit it out then make the ex go through that crap. i think its important for these things to happen gently and in stages - u walk by starf-cks and she her having a coffee. stop chat fer a few minutes then move on. next time u see her and the new beau at a bar watching a band. u go over, introduce each other - buy her a drinkie poo, move on. then u can do that big hullabalooooooooooooooooo - at least that's how i would

 

is that weird?

[Imperceptible]

Is this a party that you absolutely need to attend?

 

If so, and the ex approaches you, just say a polite hello, and if he attempts to make conversation, excuse yourself and walk away.

 

There is no need to make a scene, but if you feel like you will get overly emotional (especially in front of your new guy) it's best to keep contact to a minimum with your ex.

 

How long have you and the ex been broken up?

 

How long have you been with the new boyfriend?

 

Just curious... if you are still missing your ex and having feelings for him, is it fair to the new bf or to you, that you are dating him?

 

I know I'd feel very hurt and sad if my bf was dating me but said I'd never replace his ex and that he still had feelings for her.

 

It's been over 3 months since the ex and I broke up. I believe I'm over him but he was the only guy I have ever started to fall for and that's something I will never forget and no one could ever replace the first person. Friends have told me you never lose feelings like that. I thought that it was ok to have feelings. I don't want to call those feelings love because I'm not sure if that's the right word for them. I'll call them connections. Is it bad to still feel a connection to an ex?

I've been with my new boyfriend for a month. I care about him a lot and things are getting stronger between us. I feel like I'm putting 110% into the relationship and there's definitely a strong connection between us. I don't feel like I'm cheating him out of a good relationship.

[Hope75]

It's been over 3 months since the ex and I broke up. I believe I'm over him but he was the only guy I have ever started to fall for and that's something I will never forget and no one could ever replace the first person. Friends have told me you never lose feelings like that. I thought that it was ok to have feelings. I don't want to call those feelings love because I'm not sure if that's the right word for them. I'll call them connections. Is it bad to still feel a connection to an ex?

I've been with my new boyfriend for a month. I care about him a lot and things are getting stronger between us. I feel like I'm putting 110% into the relationship and there's definitely a strong connection between us. I don't feel like I'm cheating him out of a good relationship.

 

If you feel that you can honestly give your bf 100% and do not have residual feelings for the ex, than I wish you and he the best of luck.

 

In my experience, when you are truly over an ex (and this includes men that you once loved with all your heart) all you feel is ambivilance. From your posts, (and I could be wrong) I get the impression that what you are feeling is stronger than just ambivilance, and perhaps you are not as over your ex as you would like to think.

 

I could be wrong.

[Violette]

It's been over 3 months since the ex and I broke up. I believe I'm over him but he was the only guy I have ever started to fall for and that's something I will never forget and no one could ever replace the first person. Friends have told me you never lose feelings like that. I thought that it was ok to have feelings. I don't want to call those feelings love because I'm not sure if that's the right word for them. I'll call them connections. Is it bad to still feel a connection to an ex?

I've been with my new boyfriend for a month. I care about him a lot and things are getting stronger between us. I feel like I'm putting 110% into the relationship and there's definitely a strong connection between us. I don't feel like I'm cheating him out of a good relationship.

 

It took me about 7 months to get over someone I was with for a little over a year. At different points, I thought I was over him, but they were just different stages. I was still angry (he had cheated on me). I was still hurt (he had lied about it). I still felt worthless (going back to arguments we'd had and how I'd pleaded not to break up). I feel very different now, going back to those months. I avoided him a lot, but not completely for the whole 7 months. This was not always intentional--I put my attention elsewhere and just wouldn't think of him. Now, I'm overcome with the "Who cares? It's in the past." feeling and I've forgotten many things about the relationship that I used to remember.

Don't believe you're over him just yet if you're having such strong feelings.

[Imperceptible]

You should probably not be dating someone new yet if you still have feelings like that for your ex. Do you want to burn this new guy? What happens if he falls for you and then finds out that you still want your ex?

 

I think it is better to take a break in between relationships to grieve and heal before trying again. Otherwise you just bounce from one rebound to another and never really work on the issues you have to deal with. You just keep slapping band-aids on the broken heart.

 

I have feelings for my ex but I don't want him because he has issues he refuses to get help with and he said he loved being with me but he wasn't in love with me. He is naive and hurtful. He's no good for me. I care about my new guy. I thought about what I want from a relationship and what things would be bad for me. I'm not using the new guy to make me feel better.

[Hope75]

I have feelings for my ex but I don't want him because he has issues he refuses to get help with and he said he loved being with me but he wasn't in love with me. He is naive and hurtful. He's no good for me. I care about my new guy. I thought about what I want from a relationship and what things would be bad for me. I'm not using the new guy to make me feel better.

 

I don't think anyone is implying that you are using the new guy to make yourself feel better.

 

You know, you can still have feelings for an ex and know that he isn't the right guy for you, or that he has issues to work out that make him incompatible with you. I knew my ex wasn't the right guy for me... but I still loved him and longed for him, for a good year after I left him- sometimes our heads and our hearts don't see eye to eye.

 

I don't think anyone is trying to say what you are doing is wrong, only to be cautious, and fair and honest with yourself about what you are ready for in terms of a new relationship, when it seems as though your feelings for your old relationship are not yet resolved.

[heartlessromantic]

Yes, be cautious. If you really care about your new guy, take steps to ensure total closure with you ex. This means minimizing contact and continuing showing your new guy that he is more important to you now.

[silentalways]

v, regarding yer post, please do not tell yer ex something like that ok? and allow me to explain [depends on who ended things]

 

It took me about 7 months to get over someone I was with for a little over a year.

 

i am not a fan of using the phrase 'get over someone' - to me it sounds forced - that is not a healthy thing

 

At different points, I thought I was over him, but they were just different stages.

 

yup, thats how it works - but again the 'over' thing [i will explain]

 

I was still angry (he had cheated on me). I was still hurt (he had lied about it). I still felt worthless (going back to arguments we'd had and how I'd pleaded not to break up). I feel very different now, going back to those months. I avoided him a lot, but not completely for the whole 7 months.

 

some people do that when hurt, some don't - i didn't try to avoid my ex i just went about living my life

 

This was not always intentional--I put my attention elsewhere and just wouldn't think of him.

 

that's something i have always found impossible - i think about every person that ever impacted my life and in my case we had to encounter each other at certain times and i actually had to place my attention on my ex and off me - so i could 'see' what her post-r behaviours were really saying [f-off buddy is about right - lol] and that allowed me to shift away from selfimposed misery - when dwelling there is absolutely pointly and retarded if the other makes no attend to hear yer remorse - so u stop

 

Now, I'm overcome with the "Who cares? It's in the past."

 

i actually see and feel that as calming, less stressful and an enabler and an awareness that the focus on the past has been there waaaaaaaay to long - so, its more like i'd don't care about the past in a way that i still have to explain, justify or regret - what's done is done but i do care about any healing from hurt she endured and always will to ensure that never happens again to anyone

 

feeling and I've forgotten many things about the relationship that I used to remember.

 

i pretended to erase things - i just couldn't disrespect the time shared - memories are key to learning [those who choose to not remember and study their own history are doomed to repeat it]

 

Don't believe you're over him just yet if you're having such strong feelings.

 

only u know that

 

ONE LAST COMMENT AND QUESTION: many here are doing great things in terms of healing and learning and i just thought, how many would rather be doing this, talking about these things with the actual other person involved? and how many people believe an ex visits and posts on the same ones u do and that u are actually dialoguing with them?

 

1. me - i would rather talk with the other

2. at times i believed i was 'talking' with the ex - but those were the days of whines and delusions - lol

[Imperceptible]

I don't think anyone is implying that you are using the new guy to make yourself feel better.

 

You know, you can still have feelings for an ex and know that he isn't the right guy for you, or that he has issues to work out that make him incompatible with you. I knew my ex wasn't the right guy for me... but I still loved him and longed for him, for a good year after I left him- sometimes our heads and our hearts don't see eye to eye.

 

I don't think anyone is trying to say what you are doing is wrong, only to be cautious, and fair and honest with yourself about what you are ready for in terms of a new relationship, when it seems as though your feelings for your old relationship are not yet resolved.

 

Thanks. I am doing so much better than I was 2 months ago but some feelings are still there. I didn't know I should feel ambivilence when I'm over an ex. I understand now. My friends weren't right in saying its ok to still have feelings because I remember they all get worked up when they run into exes.

I really care about my new boyfriend and we were good friends before we got into a relationship. Maybe I need to tell him the truth and see if we can take things slowly. If he's hurt then we can go back to being friends until I'm over the ex just as long as he's happy. I don't want to hurt him in any way.

[Imperceptible]

You perfectly explained why I don't want to forget the time my ex and I spent together.

 

" i just couldn't disrespect the time shared - memories are key to learning [those who choose to not remember and study their own history are doomed to repeat it]"

 

There were good times and there were bad times and I told myself that's how I do or do not want things to be in my next relationship since I experienced what those times felt like. I'm don't feel hurt anymore. I'm not angry anymore. But there's still a fondness for him in my heart. That's why I believed I was over him. I thought the fondness is ok. I don't want to care about the past but I don't want to forget the past so I can care less about it.

 

I like your 1st idea because my ex would not offer sound advice.

[charley]

Is it possible that he asked if you are going to be there because he wants to avoid you?

 

At work I spend most of my time at one building, but sometimes others too. At one of those other buildings is a female coworker who I avoid as much as possible. When I know I need to go to that other building to do some work, I first get a copy of the employee schedule for that building so I know when she is working. That way I can avoid her for as much as 2 months at a time, or longer.

 

So I do keep track of her, but only so I can avoid her.

 

I don't think you can assume that your X asked about you because he wants to see you. Maybe he wanted to know so he can see you, but maybe he wanted to know because he wants to avoid you.

 

Just a thought.

[Imperceptible]

It would be nice if he did that. But I have no doubt he wants to see me. Whenever he sees me he follows me around. A couple weeks ago he followed me around a huge grocery store for 45 minutes. He kept saying "It's funny how we keep bumping into each other." then he tried to strike up at least a half dozen conversations with me. I was trying hard to avoid him because I wanted NC. He even followed me down the tampon aisle.](*,) I know he was not buying tampons. His excuse was that he couldn't find trashbags.

[Imperceptible]

Maybe he's changed. I do hope you're right.

[Hope75]

You perfectly explained why I don't want to forget the time my ex and I spent together.

 

 

 

There were good times and there were bad times and I told myself that's how I do or do not want things to be in my next relationship since I experienced what those times felt like. I'm don't feel hurt anymore. I'm not angry anymore. But there's still a fondness for him in my heart. That's why I believed I was over him. I thought the fondness is ok. I don't want to care about the past but I don't want to forget the past so I can care less about it.

 

I like your 1st idea because my ex would not offer sound advice.

 

I think it is normal once you are over someone to have fond memories of the good parts of the relationship that you shared, but not so much that ex himself. We all learn something from failed relationships, and we take that with us and we use it, hopefully to our benefit in the next relationship, although for some it has a negative effect, especially if we are not through processing the breakup and our feelings for the ex.

 

I do have fond memories of time spent with my exes that were good, times where I might have felt happy, but when I think of the ex themselves, I feel nothing- no hate, no anger, no love, no fondness, just ambilivance. I have moved on, and am in love with someone else. There really isn't room for feelings, even of fondness, for exes that are over and done with.

 

Perhaps that makes me weird, or the exception.

 

I think a good way to tell if you are truly over your ex- is if when you see him, how do you physically, uncontrollably, act. Will your heart start pounding, will you feel shakey and anxious, nervous, unsure of what to do or how to act.... if this is the case, you are probably not as over him as you'd like to be. If you truly feel calm and inner peace, and can walk up to him and say hello and chat for a moment and feel OK, then walk away and be done with it... than perhaps you truly are over him.

[Violette]

v, regarding yer post, please do not tell yer ex something like that ok? and allow me to explain [depends on who ended things]

 

It took me about 7 months to get over someone I was with for a little over a year.

 

i am not a fan of using the phrase 'get over someone' - to me it sounds forced - that is not a healthy thing

[/Quote]

 

I gave you my story thinking it might be to your benefit, and no, not that it matters, but I didn't tell my ex the things I posted.

 

Technicalities in phrasing aside, my point was that it may take a long time to not feel hurt and sad--any negative feelings really, about a breakup. It's different for each person, and they have the best gauge as to when they -don't- feel that way. My suggestion was to give yourself plenty of time and be patient, and that you would definitely know the change when it happened.

-V

[Violette]

"silentalways"--My criticized text is in blue, your response is in black, and my response to your criticism is in magenta. Enjoy. I found it rude that you criticized my post which was intended to help "Imperceptible".

 

 

 

 

To be honest, I don't exactly understand your question. I think you're asking if we would rather be talking to our ex or someone whom we're posting about? As for me, I want to speak with someone who has something interesting to say. It doesn't matter who it is, as this is all very annonymous. For myself, I really think the odds are low of knowing anyone here already.

[Hope75]

OK,

 

I think now is a good time to remind everyone to be respectful of each other, and that we are trailing off from the original posters' intent and that is not going to help them.

 

Please try to keep the rules of the forum in mind.

[Violette]

I agree, Hope. I hope that Imperceptible, whom my post was originally intended for, got the respectful feedback.

[arwen]

Ok, that's enough. Please stay on topic (i.e. helping out Imperceptible) and agree to disagree if someone has a different opinion. We do not come here to get ONE type of answer to our difficulties, the whole idea of a forum is to obtain different points of view. Violette and silentalways, you have different points of view, nothing else. Please keep the respect and stay on topic. Any further discussion about differences in opinion will be removed.

 

Ilse

[Violette]

Imperceptible,

 

My suggestion is that you are not completely over your ex. Giving yourself more time, especially time apart from your ex (the longer the duration, the less you will think of him as time goes on) can be quite enlightening, as you may find.

 

I tried to use myself as an example in discovering this. The discovery can be quite amazing. In regards to my first post in this thread, my apologies are to you, as you are the true victim. My post was intended for you, and I foolishly did not state this.

 

Best luck to you, and I hope things work out.

 

-V