What have you learned?

[finewhine]

A general question for those of you getting over a breakup - what have you learned since it happened? What are you hoping to learn?

 

And another question: has anyone else experienced the feeling that their last relationship diminshed them in some way? That being in that relationship weakened you somehow?

 

Dying to hear your stories!

[laboheme]

Since my ex broke up with me in July, I have learned that I'm an incredibly stubborn person who refuses to fall down and stay there, and that I want to pick myself up with no help from others (except for people at ENA, of course!). Then again, I always had that stubborn streak in me...I also realized that I was taking my ex for granted too much and that I wore him out emotionally. I don't blame him one bit for breaking up with me. I also learned that you don't know what you have until you lose it -- oh, so true. I'm hoping to learn that other incredibly nice, caring, tender guys do exist...but that one will take a while to sink in.

 

Did my relationship diminish me in some way? I think so. My ex was an incredibly caring and supportive person, which was amazing, but I feel that he took a few nibbles at my independence. As in, he always wanted to be there for me and hold my hand when I just wanted to deal with things on my own,as I'm prone to doing. He also made me into an incredibly sentimental person, and right now I wish more than anything than I hadn't changed like that.

[Aurian]

I have had only one relationship. I married him. He abused me. You can look around for the threads if you're interested (Journal and Long-distance).

 

What I have learned:

- If what someone says and what someone does, does not match up, don't believe their words. Believe your gut.

 

- I do not cause someone to be angry. They can be angry, okay. But how they act when angry is not my problem. If they call me names or turn violent, then I do not have to respect their feelings because obviously they do not respect me.

 

- I have learned not to be so forgiving. I was really forgiving and easy-going and I was taken advantage of. I learned that you can forgive a million small things, but instead of looking at each one individually and letting it go, I should consider where those things are adding up. Take a big brick (a big problem) or a bag of sand (lots of little problems). One grain of sand isn't much, but a whole bag really outweighs the brick!

 

- If someone is blaming life a bit too much for their problems, run away. You will be the next target of blame for things going wrong because you're more convinent than "fate."

 

- Look for patterns. Didn't like his parents because they were too clingy. Didn't like my parents because they were too clingy. Didn't like his ex's parents because they were too clingy. Um... no, HE was the problem. Didn't play well with others and all that.

 

- Stand up for yourself. Decide what your boundaries are and do not let the other cross it repeatedly. One warning should be sufficient for the bigger boundaries.

 

How have I been diminished? I have a lot of physical problems that can be traced to him and the abusive relationship. I had to rebuild my esteem from rock bottom. Some would say it is a good thing, but I have a lot less trust and faith in people than I used to have. I think that is a bit sad because I sometimes miss the impulsive, open, and sharing part of myself that died somewhere back there.

[herbal]

let me be the first. My "break -up"- we never really went out,just fell in love and she left. Any way,i realised:

1. i was too concerned about other peoples happiness and less of my own,that is changing,im learning to love me and trust me its great.

2. The r/ship was clouding my judgement of other things,i was building my life around her,hence narrowing my vision,now i can see beyond the horizon and trust me there is so much out there,and she is just a small part of it,if not insignificant.

3. I think clearer now,my goals are well defined, and i know planning for me is better than planning for us!!!!!!

 

4. I have more time to develope other aspects of myself i.e Hobbies.

 

5. I interact more freely and better with other women.

 

6. the world is full of beautiful lovely and caring women,i had been closing my eyes!!!!!

 

Its true the r/ship made me a weaker person,emotionally but as am healing i have come to understand my enotional side better and if i get into a another r/ship in future,ill take a different approach!!!

 

Hows that!

[silentalways]

OMG...what a question! i learned so many things during and after the break up so i will try and keep my list brief as to not bore y'all

 

1. what being truly in love is like [good and bad] and that even though i wish we never had to go thru what we did, and that neither of us would want each other again, we both grew as people because of having shared a brief part of our life with each other

2. what the ability of being honest [or not] can do for u and those in yer life and how nc and stubbornness will destroy yer ability to 'see' the other as 'the person u once loved'

3. what toxic shame, guilt and past learned behaviours needed to be kicked to the curb

4. how important it is to never let yourself get lost in your love for the other person

 

as for deminished aftershocks - none. i am a better person because of being with her and thru things. all the good and the bad has helped.

[herbal]

guess i was a bit slow in posting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Aurian]

Some of us type too much and get fast at it

[herbal]

Ill post first then type later next tym...

[wexmen]

this is a story of a friend of mine .

 

after breaking up , she just tend to avoid guy who always tell the sweet words that girl normally like it so much , as you can imagine , she is now a girl who are very scared of falling in a relationship . i am so pitiful to her .

 

like an idiom in chinese," a day you are stung by bee , you will scared of it the rest of your life ."

 

break up does make people change a lot .

[Slagar]

Well, in my relationship before last (a long loving relationship)... I learnt that it's fine to trust someone, but sometimes you're better off keeping your mouth shut. No matter how much you love and trust someone, there are some things that talking about can just harm the relationship.

 

Also, since then, I grew a lot as a person. That breakup made me a much stronger person, and I realised that loving unconditionally isn't the best way to go about things. There was a lot I didn't like about that girl, but she was very pushy, and got her way most of the time.

 

After that, I met the girl of my dreams. With the knowledge of my last relationship in tact, I pursued. Looking back at my actions in this relationship, I wouldn't change a single thing. I felt I did everything right; and being with her was the best time of my life. Unfortunately, after about 4-5 months, I felt she started to get bored, and I forced myself to leave. I've gone over it in my mind, and I think it failed because of two possible reasons:

1) Perhaps I treated her too well. Girls seem to get bored when they have everything given to them. The error with this, in my mind, is that she treated me well too - we were equals, or so I thought. And also, simply, because she was such a lovely person, I really loved doing things for her, and didn't feel "obligated" at any point in time.

2) I don't think I had enough to offer that relationship. She was an amazing person with a wealth of experience. Although I had a lot to offer, and I offered it... but I'm not sure if it was enough for her. Now I'm focussing on more on my life, so when my next relationship comes along, I'll be 100% certain this doesn't happen.

3) Lastly, the thing that affected our relationship the most I think, is that we wanted different things. We had different long term goals.

 

Also, I've learned the hard way: No Contact from day one, is the only way to go.

 

But breakups always leave me a stronger person than before.

[finewhine]

I am really surprised to see that so many others have felt diminished by their relationship. Me, too. Hence the question.

 

I don't think this applies to you, Aurian, because you were in an abusive situation and that's a different ballpark (so sorry you went through that!!!), but for the milder cases, do you feel as though you could have done something to prevent losing part of yourself?

 

I sure do feel as though I could have done things differently. I've learned that it's MY responsibility to keep my eyes open. If the person I'm with is making me unhappy, it's my job to extract myself from the situation. It's also my job to stay self-reliant even when someone's there with a shoulder to cry on.

 

I've also learned that:

- Actions speak so much louder than words

- I need a man who is totally secure with himself, but I'm not sure if I deserve

one just yet

- I don't know myself as well as I thought I did

- I looked to my ex to affirm my self-worth (and I don't need anyone for that right now, thank god)

[bitbit]

when i was with my ex, (he was much older than me) he was constantly playing dad to me and it drove me nuts. when he found he couldn't control me with suggestions anymore, he began to control me with insults. we were arguing on the phone one day, and i hung up on him. he called me back and he's like, "if you hang up on me one more time, it's over". so i hung up. i'm still not sure, but i was just totally over it. when we first broke up, based on his insults, i thought i was fat, ugly, but most of all, stupid. what changed my mind was getting my grades back for my first semester of college. all semester i hadn't paid attention to school all that much b/c of the unstable relationship, but somehow i had gotten all A's. my first semester of college, dealing with a bad relationship, away from home for the first time, in a totally new state, supporting myself for the first time, i got straight A's. i never looked back after that.

[Dako]

I learned that my ex wife is a fine woman.

I feel diminished, with good reason.

[silentalways]

oh yah...a few more

 

i learned that as soon as your partner tells you that what u are doing is trying to manipulate them, when they view everything in the form of power and control, and u know for a fact that is not the case - then it is over man. u could be the greatest thing since sliced bread but when they view you that way, everything u do and say is viewed within that perspective and they will see u as abusive and mean. because what happens is you will get frustrtated and over do everything when its is not you that is the problem, it is theirs so either get counselling or get the heck away from each other. as soon as they lose sight of you as a person, and what they orginally saw in you, and start devaluing your core beliefs - and no amount of hurting each other should ever do that when both see things clearly - u both must separate and not see each other again.

 

the other thing i learned is never be in a one-sided relationship and give everything away. they need to earn the right to be with u.

 

one last thing - when someone is hurt bad they will do anything to make u hurt just as much and because they know your weak spots - that is where they will go to first.

 

and finally, i learned after all that - i will get married again and be with someone special.

[Aurian]

don't think this applies to you, Aurian, because you were in an abusive situation and that's a different ballpark (so sorry you went through that!!!), but for the milder cases, do you feel as though you could have done something to prevent losing part of yourself?

 

Even if the relationship was very bad, I could have done some things differently. I could have drawn up better boundaries. Respected myself more. Kicked his butt to the curb sooner. I guess My Big Lesson Learned was... respect thyself first!

[bitbit]

I guess My Big Lesson Learned was... respect thyself first!

 

i totally agree.

[Luck of the Irish]

My last relationship drained me. But it strengthened me. It turned me into a man. Started at age 17 then ended it at age 20 after being cheated on and lied to many times. It made me have higher standards for women. I now view relationships in more black and white. You either are loyal or you're not. You love them with all your heart, or you don't. If my GF cheated on me, I would break up with her that day. If we are married for 30 years with 4 kids and she cheats on me on a Friday, I will file for a divorce on Monday. Seeing things in this light is so much simpler than the push and pull that results from the trials in a relationship.

[silentalways]

ahhhhhhhh, thanks for that one reminder.

 

what i truly learned is this - when push comes to shove and it is the time where true colours are shown and one person places 'themself' before the couple then that is who they really are. anyone that tells u they must respect themself first is really saying that the other person has dissed them and that 'they' are more important. i recognize that i am in the minority when i state this but i believe that when u decide u be with someone and commit to them forever, when u 'respect' the union of two, what u end up doing is actually getting and giving yerself and them more respect than saying 'me first'. i see the couple as most important because its about both and it actually makes you as an individual stronger. this is something i am so aware of and i make sure i find out where a person's loyal and belief structure truly is within them now.

 

anyone that blames the other for 'losing their identity', or 'needing to regain their self-respect' and do so from inside a great relationship are those who will always be unable to stay in lasting relastionships.

 

for a nickel i will

[formerly my 2 cents]

[Jjasonn28]

I think through the process of breaking up, I have learned many things. The biggest one though, would have to be that above all else, my needs are just as important as anyone elses.

 

Bending over backwards to try to fulfill other's needs, doesn't accomplish a single thing, unless you are not only capable, but willing to do the same thing for yourself.

 

Also, Ive learned that although its been a painful roller coaster of a ride, I can sit content knowing that without a doubt, I am capable of loving, and receiving love.

 

The pieces are all on the table, now its time to put them in the right place.

[Vynde]

I know I am still in the learning process, but feel I have made strides since the separation.

 

An important thing for me to realize (and it took me a while) was that people change, and not everything is as it seems.. Now, you can look at that as a negative thing, but I don’t. It has made be become more aware, and defiantly much stronger of a person, not only that but I have learned I need to put myself first and take care of myself first, be myself and enjoy myself.. Jumping to the needs of anyone, and setting your feelings and emotions aside are detrimental to both involved regardless of the situation.

 

Will any of us completely heal?, well I don’t know. Maybe it’s a good thing not to completely heal, maybe looking back at the scars we have, in a way, reminds us of where we came from and how far we have come, the triumphs and accomplishments not to mention the inner strength we hold - but maybe most importantly, that we are able to get through it.

 

I know I still have a long road ahead of me and many more obstacles to jump and dragons to battle, but I take comfort in knowing that gradually things do get better regardless of how bad the currently seem right now and that in the end I (We) will be a better person for it.

 

So if you’re reading this, and your feeling the pain that break-ups cause, know that for a FACT..things do get better and that your stronger self is just around the corner.

 

John

[pacopaco]

I learned that it isn't until after a breakup that you truly know the other person. all the warts do come out.

I learned that I am the man I thought I was. I stayed dignified, and a gentleman throughout my breakup. It killed her that I wasn't mean.

I learned that NC is the way to go, as tough as it is. It isn't about them it's about you (me) healing.

I learned that when a person is so messed up they can't decide "what they want." you have to make the decision for them, and just leave.

I learned that I have power over my thought, emotion, and action.

I learned I have no power over someone's thought, emotion, and action.

Letting go feels pretty good.

[Orlander]

Great thread...

 

I learned too, that NC, is THE way to to begin healing.

I learned that love is never a sure thing.

I learned not to take the love of anyone for granted.

I learned the importance of optimism and hope.

I learned to never again settle or accept less of a relationship than I deserve.

 

I've learned that faith, even misplaced or mislead, is very powerful, but I maintain the belief that it pales in comparison to the power of love.

 

 

Orlander

[deejay74]

i've learned a lot, but i'll try and stick with the most important ones.

 

i've learned:

- to never get into a relationship when i am lonely or feeling like i "need" to be in a relationship

- to recognize, acknowledge, and make a decision on what to do when i notice red flags

- to keep my sense of self while in a relationship

- to not get complacent or take the relationship for granted

- not to settle for less

 

again, there's much more but these mean the most to me.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

I learnt that not gave everything to your SO and neglect your own needs.

I learnt that not to be someone else rebound.

I learnt that love is a united partnership. It takes two person to work. They need to have the commitment to stick together through thick and thin. To solve the problem together.

I learnt that not to avoid talking about problems. Tell the person the truth even though it is painful to know.

Choose your partner wisely because it is a life time thing.

I learnt to cut my losses.

[Dako]

I learned that in a marriage, all the bromides about loving yourself first, not getting lost in the relationship and communicating openly are impossible to heed, since marriage is 24/7, year after year after year, through crises and pleasure, illness and anxiety. The reward for constantly renewing your faith in marriage by making a stronger committment can only be death or divorce, each of which is no reward at all.

 

I learned it takes faith to make it work, and when faith dies, you're more alone than ever.

 

I learned enough.