Am I going Crazy?

[sad soul]

Okay, my husband of six years has been totally devoted to me.....or so I thought. It never crossed my mind that he would ever cheat on me. I am the kind of wife that wears tiny lingerie to bed, sends him "playboy" type photos at work.......dresses up with heels during sex. I work hard to stay attractive for him.

 

I often ask him to go to stripclubs.....I look at playboy right along with him.

 

This is the problem.

 

A female coworker has been calling his phone alot on the weekends just to chat.

 

They go to lunch just the two of them.

 

She tells him that her husband is mean to her and she cant stand him. Her husband is also accusing her of cheating.

 

He felt comfortable enough to tell her that I had accused them of cheating!

 

I have caught him in a few little lies. stupid lies.

 

I felt uncomfortable around her when I visited him at work the other day.

 

Even though I watch porn with him..........I found a HUGE stash of porn mags. that he had hidden from me!

 

I FOUND A 400 DOLLAR PORTABLE DVD PLAYER WITH PORN HIDDEN. he had bought it a year ago. We had shopped for portable dvd players last week for our baby for the car.........AND HE NEVER MENTIONED HE ALREADY HAD ONE!

 

He says its for business trips.......and he uses it in the bathroom to masturbate. He said guys have to have a visual to jack off!

 

He is very defensive about all this........lies and lies. Even over how much the dvd player cost!

 

IS SOMETHING GOING ON? Or am I just going crazy being a stay at home mom to our baby? Thats what he says, that I have been cooped up too long and need to see a doctor!

 

I just have this feeling that something isn't right.........like the person I thought I knew..........I don't know all the way.............that scares me! He says the woman at work is older and not attractive..........I know that looks don't matter when someone has an affair!

 

Please help........I am either paranoid crazy or my intuition is right.

[sad soul]

I also forgot to say that my husband has been a little different in bed lately......doing kinkier stuff...........he also on occasion just gone out and bought me gifts..........I know that is great, but is that normal?

 

I also hacked into his im account and he has several womens names there on the contact list.........it is a work account and one of his secretaries was listed twice. As well as a woman that he put down as TESSY >3.

 

What does the >3 mean?

[BrokenHeart82]

Hi hon,

 

NObody can of course swear to what this means...but I get a bad feeling about it too.

 

Sudden changes in his sexual behavior, porn mags or movies he's hiding, and the fact that he's lieing to you about small, insignificant details....those are red flags.

 

The thing with big lies is that you have to continue making other lies to cover and that may be a clue.

[Beec]

First welcome to enotalone. Hope somene here can help. Stick aound.

 

OK, I see the affair issue as unrelated to the porn and DVD issues, provided he bought himself the porn and DVD. If someone else gave it to him, that would relate it to the first issue.

 

His buying you gifts is not bad, but it could be out of guilt. If it is not out of being guilty, then it is all good.

 

I'd expect his secretary to be a work contact, twice is an oh well. Tessy, no idea who is Tessy? No idea about the >3.

 

Kinkier stuff may be related to the porn. The porn kind of makes me think an affair with a woman who complains about being mistreated is less likely. I think him also doing kinkier things with you mkae it less likely he is haivng an affair. He's thinking up things to do with you, and that makes me think that he is not with anyone else. It also does not go with the idea of guilt.

 

But, there is nothing set in stone.

 

Possible affair is the big issue, and that probably should be looked at first. I don't think anyone can say he is or is not. I don't know any way to tell you what the signs are or are not, but you have accused him of it, are clearly insecure about it, and to some extent should be able to ask him to make you feel more secure about things. What would that take?

[L.J.]

What does the >3 mean?

 

The symbol > in mathematical term means 'greater/more than' and

 

TESSY >3 means TESSY is greater than 3 in its own context.

 

It could be an rating scale your husband use for TESSY, which can mean anything, for example:

 

TESSY >3 ... He rate her beauty as greater than 3

 

TESSY >3 ... He contacted her more than 3 times

 

TESSY >3 ... He had sex with her more than 3 times

[BornToResist]

If you flip one of the symbols it makes a heart.

 

[pregnantkitty_1985]

I also forgot to say that my husband has been a little different in bed lately......doing kinkier stuff...........he also on occasion just gone out and bought me gifts..........I know that is great, but is that normal?

 

I also hacked into his im account and he has several womens names there on the contact list.........it is a work account and one of his secretaries was listed twice. As well as a woman that he put down as TESSY >3.

 

What does the >3 mean?

 

Well, all of that stuff are possible signs of cheating. The constant lying to you. The secrecy. Being kinkier in bed I read is also a sign, because they're learning new tricks with someone else. Buying you gifts is a sign he feels guilty about something.. (if he is indeed cheating. If not, I guess he's just being nice.)

 

The

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Hmm Beec has a good point, the kinky stuff could actually be new tricks he learned from the porn.

 

It's just odd to me that he's hiding it however, when you seem like the type of wife any man would want, wearing laungerie and high heels and going to strip clubs and watching porn with him! It doesn't make sense to me, why he'd hide it... unless of course, when you two watch porn together you end up having sex, and when he watches it alone he can get off quickly sometimes without having to take the effort to get someone else off too. Still not quite sure why he'd go to the trouble of hiding stuff, though... Wonder who got him that portable DVD player??

 

But yes like I said, being even kinkier can be a sign of cheating at times. Because they're learning new tricks and are eager to show it off. It's like flaunting it under your nose, basically.

[ImThatGirl]

Have you talked about all of this with him?

 

I think that his co-worker calling him on the weekends combined with lunches and the fact that they are on a personal level where they tell what their spouses say (questions of cheating,) is crossing boundaries.

 

I just can't imagine that anyone would be comfortable with that in a marriage?

 

He's making you question yourself by stating you are being insecure, etc. That's not good. It's like he's skipping your worries completely and hoping you'll just feel like you're being paranoid.

 

Is it out of the question to request that he spend less time with her and on the phone with her?

[Lady Bugg]

Ugh.....I hate these posts....because I can completely see how this would make you feel. I felt suspicious ..and all I did was READ about it!!!

 

Your gut is telling you something isn;t "right....this in addition to all the

shady behavior.

 

First of all...his co worker calling him on weekends...telling hm her marital problems is a BIG BIG red flag. THAT'S what marriage counselors are for.

 

To be honest I DOUBT just asking him what's going on is going to make a difference. As it is..he is trying to make YOU feel like the "crazy" one.

If he's lying to you about little things...what's next??

 

I suggest paying EXTRA close attention to his change of habits. Is he dressing differently? Going through extra efforts to look good? Making excuses to leave the house when he normally wouldn't? Is he more secretive when the phone rings? Check his phone records if you can....incoming and outgoing.You DESERVE to know what is going on.......and if you have to catch him in the act..so be it.

Whatever you do.........TRUST YOUR GUT!!!! It is almost ALWAYS right!!!!

[L.J.]

IS SOMETHING GOING ON? Or am I just going crazy being a stay at home mom to our baby? Thats what he says, that I have been cooped up too long and need to see a doctor!

 

I just have this feeling that something isn't right

 

 

Give it some time and see if TESSY > 3 remain constant.

 

If constant 3 remain constant .... no change, your husband still rate her beauty at 3. No major cosmetic surgery or procedures.

 

If the constant 3 is increased to 4 or more .... Your husband is doing something more than thrice.

[rasberigirl]

sad soul,

 

I say trust your gut instinct(s) and have more faith in yourself instead of destroying your self-esteem by doubting yourself and labeling yourself as paranoid and crazy.

 

Personally I think your husband's nasty behavior is crazy, not your

suspicions.

 

Good luck.

[radioheader]

you're not crazy! you have every right to be suspicious...i was and my husband kept denying stuff while continually treating me badly and having an apffair with someone at work...my gut was that he was interested in someone else and i just kept believing him...my self-esteem took a dive (i was a stay at home mom too!) this happned almost 2 years ago and we are trying to work it out but the most important thing i have taken away from all of this is to TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS...mine have always been spot on...and i will never dismiss them again! good luck and get into counseling...it helps!