My husband has a ... girlfriend ...

[CrushedNShocked]

Well, it's over. My husband and I have been married since June 2001, we dated since November of 1999. We had a good connection. The last couple of years, I've been sort of down, so I guess I was a burden, but I was still a supportive and good wife. I supported him while he was in school and you know, I figured this year, he could do the same for me. In April, I went to Colorado for work. It was a good opportunity and they offered a nice bonus, we figured this would put is in a good financial spot. I came home once a month and we usually fought when I did, it was just weird, I felt like a stranger in my house, so that was hard... but the communication was kept active and we were chugging right along. Three weeks before I come home he starts to act odd, he tells me he never wants to fall out of love with me and we have to work on things - I agree with his assessment. Well, I come home in October 15 and he says he just doesn't love me anymore, he doesn't want to be married. He claims he's been miserable for two years. I cry, plead, beg for a week - all the wrong things So I see a therapist and she introduces me to Divoce Busting. I try it, but I am freaking dying, so I leave on November 1st... he gets angry and says he is moving on with his life and moves out. I don't have a job, so that upsets me but I am in Mexico on a "heal myself vacation".

 

I come back on November 22nd... I get my dogs from his MOm's house... he calls me the next day and leaves a message, he says he keeps thinking of all the good things and he misses me... I ignore it. He leaves another message, he says he misses me and I ignore that too. I send him an email this Monday, just basic stuff, where is this and what is that and he sends me one back that contains:

 

As much as you think, this isn’t about me wanting to party and live some bachelor life b/c I’m not doing any of that. I’m going to work, going to jujitsu, and going home. I’m as miserable about all of this as you are. My apt feels so empty and yuck. I hate it. I wish you would understand that this isn’t easy on me either. I never EVER wanted to or thought I would hurt you like this.

 

So I respond with:

I heard the messages, I wasn't sure how to respond. I thought going away and seeing beautiful things would help and I'd come back with a more positive attitude, but in truth, I still feel hollow. I miss my best friend very much. I think about when we were carefree and new. It was really nice. There was no stress about the future, just two people hanging out and enjoying each others company. I really wish my bad memory would kick in, because it's the small moments that pop into my head that really make it hard.

 

He calls me right away after I reply and says he has doubts about what he's done and he wishes we could be carefree and new again. He wishes he would of never moved out. We talk for two hours... the next day he asks me to dinner, I say I've already had dinner... on Wednesday, he calls and says he wants to work things out, we should have lunch and talk about how to repair our marriage and I am like, that is kind of deep for lunch... so we talk and talk and it turns out that while I was gone, he has been seeing someone else. While I was in COlorado, he got very close to my 'best friend'. I assume this has been going on for a while, considering his rush to leave. He claims he is using her as a crutch and he can't even see himself with her, he can only think of me when they are together. He agrees to cut it off with her so we can work on our relationship. Fine. We meet that night just to talk and he cries and says he hates himself, he can't do it and he is sorry he called. He said the six months was a test and he failed. He is an adulterer. He doesn't deserve me and he can't do this. I'm like, what the heck? So on Thursday, he claims he can't forgive himself and he can't let me forgive him either, I would lose my self respect. I thought of that too... but I was willing to try and see if I could forgive. So I get angry and say screw this, let's file... he asks if that is what I want, I am like... it is easiest, he says but I want you and I want our marriage to work, I love you. We leave it at that. On Friday, I ask if he'd like to have lunch, he says yes... but no... because seeing me right now is hard because he is so guilty. I tell him, he has to communicate with me more, because if his infidelity, I'd like to know what he is up to... but on Friday evening, no call, no hello. So I get worked up and I tell him on Saturday we should file, screw this. He doesn't seem to be willing to fight for the marriage. He says yes, I really want to, I want you back, but I don't deserve you.. plus I LEFT for a reason, what if that never changes. I am guessing the 'other woman' is a birdy in his ear at this point. He was pretty eager to work on it in the beginning of the week. Anyway, I send an email Saturday and explain that I was hot headed and just confused, on an emotional roller coaster and I want to try and get past this and see if we can be OK. No response, no call. Tonight, he hops on the internet... but he does NOT have internet access. I'm like, ok, this is BS, I need closure and I need to see for myself. I drive by her house and his car is there. Man, I am worked up! So I knock and he is like, what are you doing? We are OVER. I was like, what is wrong with you, you called ME. You said you were using her . He is like, we are over, I left for a reason. Of course, me being psycho stalker woman is not a great help, but I just felt like 'fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.... Anyway, he acts like I am a liar when I say you wanted to work on us. He claims he just did not want to hurt my feelings? I was like, what? I did not initiate contact, you did. He said but I told you about her to come clean, I was like, no you did not, I had to ask twice - you said you were hoping I would never find out. Then he says, see, this is what I mean about you, you don't let anything go. In the end, I just walked out. It was annoying me... the amount of backtracking he was doing because she was there.

 

He emails me this tonight:

Sorry things ended this way. It's not the way I wanted things to go down but I guess in the end, I needed you to be pissed off at me to make it easier on me. Selfish of me, yes.

 

And he says he will let me know when we have to meet at a notary public for the divorce papers. I don't respond, I am done with the communication thing.

 

I don't understand why he called to begin with. I feel like she has been a big influence in his decsions... I dunno, maybe this is the man I married... a weak and spineless kinda guy.

 

So, while I feel like I lost a bit of self respect tonight, I'm glad in a way... I was very ambivalent about not being patient... but I guess I know now... I just don't see why he had to call and give me hope and then basically turn around and lie. I feel like, he was just toying with me for his own satisfaction.

 

It's a long post, sorry... I'm just devistated... his ex-fiancee did this exact same thing to him and he ... knows how it feels... My guess is this started when I was in Colorado...

[Jayar]

Well, good for you for recognizing it is over. I am relieved that this isn't another one of those "my husband cheated... How can I get him back and kill the other woman?" threads.

 

He's not worth one more second of your time or pain. IMO, it would have been SLIGHTLY better if you had seen his car out front of his house and NOT gone to the door. Then just simply have said next time you talked to him that you decided it won't work and you hope he's happy with his new life. Gets rid of the stalker-woman part.

 

But I think you're in a good place right now in terms of what you plan to do (and what you plan to NOT do, which is take him back). Some people are just a waste of matter. There's not much to salvage here.

 

Hugs.

[rose2summer]

Wow Crushed, that's a shocking story.

 

Welcome to ENA, we can help you in the recovery process along the way.

 

Please understand that in no way does this incident reflect upon you as a person.

 

He just couldn't uphold his marriage vows and is a coward for first cheating on you and then telling you that you would get back, it was all to con you, and my guess was because he doesn't want to have a nasty divorce but wants to keep her on the side.

 

Do not talk to him again, his behavior is very unacceptable, what he is doing is immoral and he has shown time and time again what a weak and shallow man he is.

 

You deserve far better and you will find that.

 

But kick him to the curb and seek a decent divorce lawyer.

 

Hugs, Rose

[CrushedNShocked]

Thank you. I appreciate your replies. For the first two weeks, I kept wondering what I had done wrong as a wife... And then when I found out about her, how terrible was I, that he had to run to someone else? I really thought he felt remorse after we spoke... I really thought he saw that what he had done was wrong and terrible... I was willing to give it a shot... we all make mistakes... but this... The lack of decency in which this was ended... I deserved alot better as a wife and friend...

[Beec]

You did deserve better. And I think he realized that you deserved better, when he wrote "Sorry things ended this way. It's not the way I wanted things to go down but I guess in the end, I needed you to be pissed off at me to make it easier on me. Selfish of me, yes." A number of things he did were selfish. He certainly did not act as I would expect any decent husband to act, simply by the act of cheating.

 

The simple words of advice I would have are simlar to those above. Get a good lawyer. Stay busy to keep your mind off of this. Limit your contact with him.

 

It will get better. That may take a while.

[birdgirl]

I'm sorry this happened to you. It sounds to me like she was a birdy in his ear. You seem really strong, no groveling, no begging... I am impressed that you've been able to not answer him. Also impressed that he asked you out to dinner and you said you already ate.

 

In time, it'll get better. This community is amazing for that.

[Survictor]

I really feel for you but I think a little celebration is required. You deserve someone better than him. He is a person that does not deserve your love, your honesty, your friendship or your loyalty. He is immature, insensitive and unkind.

 

He is definitely selfish. He was too weak and spinless to tell you the truth. This is all about his wants, his needs etc. Let her have him. And file immediately and begin to look forward.

 

You don't need this loser.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

there are some people who are really weak, and if the opportunity presents itself to cheat and they think they can get away with it, they will... and some guys don't want to go a whole month without sex either...

 

so it's entirely possible that he started this up while you were gone because (a) it was easy to cheat since you were away, and (b) he didn't like only getting sex once a month...

 

then he gets in over his head and off he goes...

 

it is also very common for cheaters to tell their wives one thing (i.e., the affair didn't mean anything, i'll stop seeing her, etc.). then he tells the girlfriend the exact opposite (i.e., my marriage is over, i don't love her anymore, etc.). so the story changes depending on who he is talking to and whatever is going thru his head at the time, or whichever way the wind blows...

 

but he is basically spineless and obviously unfaithful and can't be trusted, so i think you are doing the right thing... you deserve better... if you are an honorable person and love someonne, they can be away from you for work or other reasons and it doesn't occur to you to cheat, let alone do it, even if they're gone a lot. so he is weak and best to move on to someone with more strength of character...

[CrushedNShocked]

Wow, everything you guys have said is pretty much how I feel. A huge part of me wanted to fight for the marriage... I think it's the "better or for worse" in our vows. But how can you fight for someone who just isn't there anymore? In some ways, I feel a tad weak. I read some of the threads on divorcebusting and these people go through so much to save their marriages... I wonder, is my attitude of 'accept it and move on'... part of the reason the divorce rate is so high? Then I ask myself, just how much of my life can I lose devoting myself this cause...

 

Well, what's even more annoying... everyone suspected this was going on except me. Everyone! Sadly, now that I think back... the signs were all there. I guess the pieces are all coming together... I've never been one to dilude myself, so I blame it on the fact that I can be TOO trusting. I allowed their friendship... I trusted them both. Live and learn...

 

Thanks everyone...

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think you can make a decision to try something like DivorceBusters, but keep in mind those people are asking for your credit card number and payment to try to save your marriage... there are lots of people who are so desperate to save a marriage where one partner has already left that they will pay and pay and pay to keep their hope alive, when there is none.

 

so i suggest you get their book (or other books on the subject) if you have not made up your mind what to do, and read up on that and the subject of infidelity etc. there is always a possibility your husband could change his mind, but it is very hard to do so if he has already moved out and in with the person he cheated with... the critical factor to evaluate is whether HE wants to fight to save the marriage... if he is willing to cooperate and consider counseling, then you might have hope...

 

i think personal marriage counseling with a therapist where you both attend sessions together is a better way to save a marriage than personal coaching like divorcebusters, but that is just my opinion...

[CrushedNShocked]

When this first started to happen, I sought the help of a therapist to help me deal with the situation. She recommended the book Divorce Remedy. I was mostly talking about the people on the forums who are so dedicated to saving their marriage... even if the other half has already moved in with their lover.

 

When he started to change his mind, I recommended he seek therapy and he refused. He doesn't think he needs it.

 

After the scene on Sunday... when I drove to her house... I've felt alot of closure... I feel like I have accepted the situation. I've had a good week... and I'm just waiting for the mac truck to smash me down... it is almost like I don't feel I've suffered enough? Granted, I was reading link removed and an article states there comes a point where you're just sick of crying and dwelling.

 

A friend of mine commented on how I have not fallen apart and she would of stayed in bed for a month... in some ways, I feel very guilty for not falling apart... I thought he was my soulmate... I was just scared to sink and drown...

[mike_chppr]

CNS,

 

All I can say is WOW, I would have went to a gas station made a moltov coctail and burned the frigging place down. If I had gone up to the door, Man oh man... It may have been a bloody mess literally. Fortunately I've had the rationality to just stay away.

 

You mentioned that he doesn't want counseling. I kind of came to that point in my life. It takes two it is WE, WE, WE, not ME, YOU, THEM. I liken it to playing tug of war, you have a huge rope, and both are pulling towards the mudpit. But in the midst of the game one person lets go. And you are so caught up winning you don't realize that they would have landed in the mudpit by now. And all their lenght of leftover rope is caked in heavy mud. So, How long are you going to drag the rope?

 

And this is where I think you have a healthy amount of closure. maybe it was for the best for you to see him in her house. I couldn't of handled it, but I have a different potential for the insane side of humanity then you do. Relize there are several parts of grief.

 

You have grieved losses many times in this relationship, and there will still be more to come, you will have the one where you split for good, when you sign the papers, when you split the stuff, when you start dating again and compare everyone to him. Don't think you're not falling apart. You are, and you will do it on your own terms.

 

I don't know if you are still seeing a therapist, but shame, guilt, grief, and forgiveness can be huge. They can all debilitate you for life if you don't spend the time to really go through the grieving process, denial, anger, ambivalence, doubt, and acceptance. So maybe a therapist can't necessarily help with your marriage that is/has crumbled. But they can help you resolve the guilt "for not falling apart" like you think you should. I think if you feel guilty you really haven't gone through the whole grieving process, it takes time.

 

In my situation I'm still depressed, I don't want to do anything and have called in sick the last two days, partly because of medication and partly because I don't want to deal. Is this healthy, maybe and maybe not. I don't know. But I have found that reading has helped me think things through and internalize a lot. Right now I'm reading "The Forgiving Self: the road from resentment to connection" by Robert Karen, Ph.D. It has really helped me not only resolve the grieving process with the dissolution of my marriage, but also with the lumps of grieving in my past that I have never quite gotten through, that have really impacted my "psycho-like" tendencies that I am fighting withing myself halfday at a time.

 

Hang in there. this isn't easy street with no slope this is rolling hills and valleys with some hills being steeper than others and some valleys being deeper than others. So enjoy the peaks and don't circumvent the dips and you'll pull through this a much stronger and more alive and vibrant person. Take some time to discover yourself and who you are, not defined through him. I could go on rambling, but I'm not sure if it will help.

 

Hang in there.

 

mike_chppr

[CrushedNShocked]

I just could not take the wishy washy crap anymore. I had to confront it. I felt like I needed to be patient and give him some time, but I just did not trust him and he was not doing anything to earn trust. In the end, he is a liar and a user. Part of me felt bad for the girl, he'd said so many mean things about her - and there he was, using her for comfort.

 

We've been apart since the week before November 1st, but I was working in Colorado since April, so while we had contact and I visited once in a while... we were not living together. He was totally DONE until around November 23rd where he wanted to talk. I was done, but when he called, I caved.

 

Ah well, I was just sick and tired of crying or moping, you know? There comes a point where it gets old. I don't do misery well, never have. Of course, I'll always admit when I need help, hence seeking counseling and reaching out to old friends.

 

It will almost be a week since I confronted him at her house and I've had a nice week. I don't miss him, the only thing that sneaks up on me once in a while and stings is how this all ended. He could of been a better 'man'... but I guess that's an oxymoron at this point.

 

Good luck in your journey, mike_chppr.