Gf just broke up with me... I'm a mess

[wayner427]

My girlfriend of 3 months broke up with me for a very unfair reason in my opinion. We have a long distance relationship. She's in LA, and I'm in Houston. She's 21 and I'm 24.

 

I was in LA for Thanksgiving weekend. On the Friday of that weekend, somehow the topic of smoking came up, and I told her that I've tried weed just twice back in college. She couldn't believe this and was real bothered by it. That night, she broke it off with me. The next morning she said she overreacted, and we were fine that Saturday and Sunday. When I got back to Houston, it started bothering her again, and she broke up with me seemingly for good last night.

 

I really like her. We've been talking for about 1.5 years, and we were really good friends before actually starting a relationship. We would talk on the phone every night.. I feel so alone and helpless all of a sudden. We had a great relationship and everything was so perfect until that little imperfection of my past came up. She was going to visit me for 2 weeks, and now she's not going to anymore.. I went from a real high to a real low really fast. I've been a mess.. I couldn't sleep at all last night, and didn't even go to work today. I can barely eat also..

 

Any advice or opinions on the situation would be greatly appreciated.

[ForAnother]

Hah, sounds like you are a bit more experimental and looking for a relationship to have a bit of experiment at the very least. Her not accepting something that simple (in my opinion its pretty simple) should be a big red flag for you and your wants as a guy.

 

Eating and sleeping comes with time. Just do what we say on eNotalone... commence NC. NC = No contact. Resist the urge to contact her... and I promise you things get better SOOO much faster and things go SOO much easier.

 

-ForAnother

[wayner427]

I keep wondering if she misses me at all or not. I just feel that she all of a sudden thinks I'm trash because of something I tried a long time ago.

 

I'm familiar with the no contact. It's really hard.. This breakup for some reason hurts a lot more than a breakup I had from a 2.5 yr relationship previously. I think it's because I like this girl a lot more. I like almost everything about her. It's real hard for me to let go..

[ForAnother]

I know how that is, rest-assured. And it doesn't get easier... even in 2 years you will probably think about it. But to be honest, if she can't see past this minor thing, I don't think she is ready to have a full relationship yet.

 

-ForAnother

[wayner427]

Ack, I can't get my mind off of it all, and can't sleep..

 

Any tips on what I can do to help this?

 

Thanks for all the help.

[friscodj]

Any tips on what I can do to help this?

 

Why don't you browse through the forums here and find some posts you feel you could contribute to? Help someone else out! Take your mind off of your problem by putting it onto someone else's. You might feel good about helping someone out and you may also see that things could be a lot worse for you. Worth a try perhaps...

[friscodj]

Hey bro,

 

This is tough. On the one hand, if everything was "perfect", as you thought, before this came out, I think the relationship would have survived. Maybe something else is going on here too? Maybe she is looking for an excuse, a reason to fall back on, and will even fabricate one to end this because it just isn't working for her or isn't what she wants?

 

Other than that, this situation with your pot smoking experiments might sink in as not being that big of a deal to her, after which you hear from her again. She may be overreacting and she may come to this conclusion. Maybe she has an ex who smoked a lot of pot and she ended up getting hurt? Perhaps a history of drug use in her family? Or her family might be very conservative/religious and brainwashed her into a zero-tolerance drug policy. She could be doing this to please her parents, who knows.

 

She also may just be immature, holding onto some conviction in a belief that her partner must never have smoked weed or something naively silly like this. Maybe she seeks and defines "perfection" like this.

 

I think in a situation like this, and given your history as friends, we could speculate all day and all night but the answer will only come from her. You should call her tomorrow and get this thing figured out. Figure it out, ask the tough questions, get to the bottom of this. Call her, and if she doesn't answer, send an email in a couple of days. Go from there...

[TheRedQueen]

She dumped you because you admitted to having had smoked pot???

 

Wow, that's ludicrous. Are you sure you'd want to be with such a staunch conservative in the first place??? Perhaps this break-up should be considered a blessing in disguise.

[RayKay]

I suspect that this was not so much the REASON she broke it off, but rather the catalyst or a "justification" for her that you were two different people.

 

Some people really do have an zero tolerance policy about things like that, even if you just tried it many years ago. Maybe thre are just standards of "perfection" she believes one must have (which will kick her in the butt more than this time!). This may be either due to her own values, or that she is very young right now and still has limited experience to understanding that people are more complex than a single act they did years ago that really is pretty innocuous and minor in my personal opinion. Other people would definitely differentiate between trying it a couple times, and being a hard core user. And there are some willing to accept even more.

 

So ultimately, maybe this is just a sign that you ARE different people, and I suspect that there would of been other "contentious issues" that came up in the future if this was any indication.

 

I mean you cannot exactly change you did it, and you can't take back her knowledge of it. If she can't accept that, then you just need to move forward as you have little choice. Even if she did want to come back, I think you need to be careful as this seems to be an indication of her tempermant and your incompatibilities when it comes to certain morals, values, views.

 

Take care of yourself, because not eating and not sleeping only make you feel worse!

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey Wayner - Welocme to the ENA boards!

 

I agree with Ray Kay - that's what I was going to say - but she said it better.

 

I too was thinking as I was reading it that maybe she's been thinking of splitting up but didn't feel she had a solid enough reason so jumped on the first thing she could......

 

as for how to cope with sleepness nights, I think many here will tell you how this very website has gotten them (and me) through many of those! Stick around. Post, relate, respond to others posts, hang in there and continue to let us know how you're doing.....

[wayner427]

Thanks for all the responses.

 

All these reasons have crossed my mind, but after trying to make sense of it all with her the night she really broke it off, I think the actual reason for it is one of friscodj's reason.

 

"She also may just be immature, holding onto some conviction in a belief that her partner must never have smoked weed or something naively silly like this. Maybe she seeks and defines "perfection" like this."

 

I was able to get some sleep last night and am back at work. It's pretty tough to focus on work though..

[friscodj]

Thanks for all the responses.

 

All these reasons have crossed my mind, but after trying to make sense of it all with her the night she really broke it off, I think the actual reason for it is one of friscodj's reason.

 

"She also may just be immature, holding onto some conviction in a belief that her partner must never have smoked weed or something naively silly like this. Maybe she seeks and defines "perfection" like this."

 

I was able to get some sleep last night and am back at work. It's pretty tough to focus on work though..

 

You know her better than we do and see and sense things we can't, so trust yourself on that one. And if that is really the reason, she's going to be attending some lectures on life and depth of character very soon I think, starting with this one.

 

And to think about this on the next level of understanding, be thankful you saw the truth of her character and the depth of the fit you had together now vs. a few years later, maybe after you moved to be with each other, got married, etc. In this sense, you reduced the damage as best you could and are better off. Someday, you may even look back on this and smile, having seen it for the gift I think it is. I mean, if this is all it took to end this relationship, I guarantee you guys would have had a very tough time making this work long term.

 

I still think you should let this percolate for a few days/a week or so, and try to talk to her, if for no other reason than to ascertain where you stand with each other and what exactly is and will happen from here regarding the two of you.

 

Make sure you take care of yourself too. Take naps if you have to and remember to eat. Keep posting here too, for yourself and others, it will help I think.

[wayner427]

Last Wed., she said that she didn't think it would work because she can't get herself to get over it. I asked her to think about it longer. So she did and we talked again this past Sunday, and she said she still can't change her mind, and doubts she ever will.

 

She also said that just because I've tried weed in the past, she believes that I'm not levelheaded and a bit irresponsible. I think it's a bit unfair to be so judgemental on my character based on something I did 4 years ago.

 

I'm still feeling like crap.. She was like my favorite person ever. We talked about everything and very often. This is probably about the longest time I've ever gone not talking to her normally. It's a really helpless empty feeling.

[friscodj]

Hey Wayne,

 

I understand how you feel. You were very close to her, she was your favorite person, you shared everything with each other, and now that is suddenly gone, or at least changed because of something that happened years ago. Not only that, but you found out this favorite person is judgmental and shallow. I can understand your feelings of emptiness for sure.

 

I still really feel something else is going on here Wayne, if what you wrote about the two of you and your chemistry together is accurate. There has to be something that she is not telling you. I can't imagine someone being this shallow and giving this all up based on just high times in your past.

 

And if the fit between you two is as you described, she will hurt as well. I guarantee that. I also think you will talk again at some point.

 

In the meantime, while this may not be done yet, I would consider it so for your own emotional protection and peace of mind. Life goes on Wayne and now is the perfect time to take steps to make your life better. Enjoy the holidays with your family, take whatever money you had planned to use for a flight to L.A. and take one to some warm sunny island somewhere instead...

[wayner427]

I know she's been really stressed out by school with a big project and finals coming up. But even when she was really busy before, she found a little time to talk to me. I'm really trying to consider the relationship done for sure.. I don't want to get my hopes up about anything.

 

From what I can tell, it just seems like once she found out about the weed thing, her total perspective of me as a person completely changed somehow. It's a really big deal to her for some reason.

 

Every now and then, I do in the back of my mind think that it may be something else. Maybe there's someone else she's interested in? After all, we are far apart. She just doesn't seem like the type of person to do such a thing, but you never know.

 

As for vacation, I'm actually going snowboarding next week. I'm a little bummed out to be as excited as I was about it before, but still looking forward to it. She was going to come visit me for 2 weeks when I got back from snowboarding... so that'll be a depressing 2 weeks afterwards since she's not anymore.

[wayner427]

I keep wishing she would contact me, but I know that I need to get over it.. Ugh... it's killing me!

[friscodj]

Hey Wayne-

 

Good news about the trip man! Enjoy it! Maybe take another one after the holidays as well. Set it up a month or two in advance so it will give you something to look forward to and take your mind off this even for a bit. That has helped me before. My most recent break up a couple of months ago ignited a crazy notion to go backpacking accross Indonesia next spring, which I am planning right now. It helps to have plans and it helps to have cool plans motivated by things like this. Subliminally it makes the break up good I think, it gives positivity to it in this way, in motivating you to get out and live life, do things you wouldn't otherwise do had this break up not occurred. I've found that using the powers of heartache and associated feelings for good in ways like this, helps you reach the promised land of peace with the situation faster.

 

I guess everyone is different and everyone has their reasons for doing things. Hers to me is like someone selling a Lamborghini because they found out one of the lug nuts was scratched. Silliness to you and I but for some, perfectionists to the extreme, perhaps holding onto some ingrained ideas about people, this is a big deal.

 

Again, I think in many senses you got lucky here. You saw the truth of this before things got more serious between you two. This also frees up time in your life and space in your heart for someone with more depth and concept of reality.

 

Essentially, she had feelings for and was interested in an idea Wayne and not you for you. And that is one of the toughest questions to answer about a partner you are dating, are we in love with each other or the idea of each other and us together? My favorite cousin is going through a divorce right now because they discovered the answer for them was the latter, and from recent conversations with her, you don't want to be where she is Wayne. You're not...so be thankful for that...

[wayner427]

Thanks friscodj. I guess you're right that it has happened sooner than later. But I do feel like I AM the person she grew to like, but just that this stupid smoking thing from before changed her whole perspective. I hardly think that trying what I did in the past has much bearing on who I actually am. Knowing that hurts a lot too, since I still do feel like we're good for each other.

 

In the back of my mind, I keep thinking that she'll re-think this through after her finals are over and she has free time. I know I shouldn't though, because based on how she sounded that night, it didn't look like she'd ever change her mind.

[friscodj]

Hey Wayne-

 

Yeah, I understand. Such a sudden and unexpected departure is very tough to digest and understand. I know how it feels.

 

The other point here is that you are still in the mindset and emotional location where you are leaving all this up to, or at least biasing the perspective to, her. You want her to re-think this, you want her to change her mind, you want her to decide, and you are making determinations to these ends based on how she sounds.

 

Wayne, you have decisions to make here too my friend. What does this whole experience show you about her, her viewpoints, and her character? Do you think there could be other issues, big, small, sensible, or ridiculous, that would shut her down like this? Could you live with the thought in the back of your mind that this could happen again for some other minor issue in your past or even the present? What if she finds out your left pinky finger is 2 mm longer than your right pinky finger? Will she leave you for that too?

 

What I'm saying is to take a step back from your feelings and look at the big picture here. What information does this situation tell you about her, the truth of your fit together, and how does it fit with your notion of someone you want to be in a relationship with and the type of relationship you have together? Is she going to destroy the house of cards again because she sees a tiny scratch in one of the cards and is this OK for you?

[dnozzle]

Ack, I can't get my mind off of it all, and can't sleep..

 

Any tips on what I can do to help this?

 

Thanks for all the help.

 

 

 

Drinking seems to be helping me, although that is probably a bad idea.

[wayner427]

The fear of her having a problem with the slightest detail would be there for sure, but I also think it will linger in the back of my mind for all of my relationships from here on out.

 

I keep wanting to contact her, but I know I shouldn't, and it would be a little awkward. I've taken her number off my phone and screen name off my buddy list. I keep checking her iCal and facebook though... nothing new there , but I keep checking it anyways. I can't get over her!!!

[friscodj]

Hey Wayne-

 

A couple of points here:

 

1) Why should this linger in the back of your mind in future relationships? I can assure you, her behavior here is very atypical. There is no solid basis to think the next woman will be like this...or even 1 in 1000 or more. While I understand your feeling there, it has no basis. Keep telling yourself that.

 

2) You are still contacting her by checking her iCal and Facebook Wayne. You removed her number, removed her screen name from your buddy list, you can kick this habit too. Checking up on her is the next step to overcome here. If you find yourself tempted to check her websites, come here instead. Write about it and/or post to someone else's thread. Her websites are like crack, just say no!

[Biffy]

Hey Wayne-

 

A couple of points here:

 

1) Why should this linger in the back of your mind in future relationships? I can assure you, her behavior here is very atypical. There is no solid basis to think the next woman will be like this...or even 1 in 1000 or more. While I understand your feeling there, it has no basis. Keep telling yourself that.

 

2) You are still contacting her by checking her iCal and Facebook Wayne. You removed her number, removed her screen name from your buddy list, you can kick this habit too. Checking up on her is the next step to overcome here. If you find yourself tempted to check her websites, come here instead. Write about it and/or post to someone else's thread. Her websites are like crack, just say no!

 

 

It's funny, for a month or so after my break-up I voraciously checked my ex's myspace page. I live with my brother and we share a pc and he knew that I was doing this.

 

I had her page stored on my favourites list, one day I went on there and instead of being directed to her page I was directed to a page on my brother's website... There was a picture of a very attractive lady pointing with a speech bubble that said "She was never good enough for you bro, there's much better out there for you"

 

Made me laugh and I haven't looked at her page since.

[Vynde]

Zomb,

 

Thats great what your brother did!

 

friscodj,

 

Cant agree with you more that looking at things like that (i.e Webpages, myspace, buddylists) can be the worst thing ever. Some of us (including myself) needed to learn the hard way - No good comes of it.

 

I do understand the urge to "look into there life" but what we should be doing is staying focused on OUR lives. (easier said than done) You refer to it as crack, maybe super crack?

 

John

[wayner427]

I called her last night... It was real late, after I went out for some drinks. She didn't pick up, and I left a voicemail. I didn't act crazy or anything. I just said "i wanted to see how you were doing and wanted to wish you luck on your finals". I know i was supposed to keep up NC, but I broke it last night.