Internally Conflicted

[WalrusMoustache]

Hi, I'm not sure if this actually belongs in the 'break up' section, but considering the current quality of the relationship I'm in, a break up could very well be impending.

 

To start, I'm an 18 yr. old guy, my girlfriend is 19 (a few months older). We met at work last summer and she didn't waste any time showing her interest in me. I myself haven't had many girlfriends (I'm terribly shy I suppose), so I was pretty much shocked and elated when this beautiful girl began flirting with me all the time, smiling, winking, tickling, etc. Eventually she asked me for my number and for about the next month she would text msg and/or call me every night. She was very complimentary, she always let me know how handsome and well-dressed she thought I was, and how she loved that I'm intelligent. She would also tell me how she missed me every night, even though we had just seen eachother at work, and would again the next day (cute, huh?).

 

The only problem we've really had up to this point is that she's always so busy! Again, we've been together for months and we've only spent time together outside work three times. When we would talk on the phone, however, she would always assure me that she was trying to make time and though I would be terribly disappointed, I would tell her that it was okay, "I know you're trying". Despite our frustrating lack of dates, I actually ended up putting alot of emotional stock into this relationship. Moreso than I'm afraid I should have. One night that we had planned to see eachother, she got into a car wreck, only to text me later that night. I was very concerned for her well-being of course, and it was then that I told her I loved her. I told her why and how much I loved her, what I loved about her, and that being away from her made me a very special kind of miserable.

 

She told me that she loved me too, and that what I had just told her was the most wonderful thing anyone had ever said to her. I would count that night as the beginning of our "official relationship". Since then I've written her love notes, given her roses, and always try to do my best to let her know how much she means to me. She would always do the same for me (excluding the bit about the roses). A couple weeks ago I spent the night at her apartment, and when I left the next morning, things were in pretty good shape. She had kept my notes, the roses, and now wanted even my shirt, insisting that I allow her to have it just because it smelled like the cologne I wear (it was a cold drive home).

 

Here's where the problem really starts: For about 3 or 4 days after I was at her place, we didn't talk on the phone at all. That in itself was not so bad, especially considering that when we did talk again, it turned out that her phone was not working, and that she had tried calling me and even sent a cute little text about how she was snuggling with my shirt as she fell asleep. However, it was days later that I even got to see or talk to her at work. And given her propensity toward actually working at our job, we did very little talking. After work I talked to her for a few minutes on the phone, we told eachother that we loved and missed one another, and with that we didn't talk for about five days straight.

 

So I called her up at the end of the five days and told her that I hated the way things were. I said that this relationship was, in a word, " * * * *ty". She agreed. However, I told her that, despite the quality of the relationship itself, the grounds by which it is defined being somewhat nebulous, I loved her and missed her. I said that I wanted things to change and that we truly needed to see eachother more than once a week at work where we aren't allowed any public displays of affection. Work is no time for relationship building, after all. Not where we're employed anyway. She said that we could just be 'friends' from now on. I was horrified by the abruptness with which she brought up this new idea. She soon assured me that she was just kidding, but I wasn't so sure.

 

I asked her if she really meant what she said. If she really did just want to be friends. She confirmed my suspicions by stating that she didn't actually know what she wanted. She had to get off the phone then, but told me that she'd call me later that night. After I hung up, I couldn't do anyting to hold back a few tears that streamed down my face and onto my hands. I knew then that I wanted to do anything it took to stay with her. That night I ended up having to call her (I didn't read too much into that) and told her, again, how I loved her, wanted to be with her, and that we should seriously try to spend any amount of time together. Even once a week would be great. She said OK, that she loved me too, and that I should call her after she got off work the next day.

 

So I called a bit after she got off, and to my extreme dismay she was like a different person. She treated me coldly, shortened almost all of her responses to very abrupt ones, and left me feeling very confused and hurt. Since then I've called her twice, because she just doesn't call me anymore. Both times I've gotten the same response. I ask her if she's free tonight, she tells me "No", or "I don't know". I ask her when her next free day is, she tells me "I don't know". I tell her I miss her, she says "okay", then waits for a few seconds to respond in kind, albeit verly flatly and emotionlessly. She says "I love you" in the same lifeless and unenthused way. I love her so much, why is she treating me this way? She is slowly but surely breaking my heart. What should I do? Any insight would be greatly appreciated

[Beec]

Sounds to me like you are chasing her. Stop it.

 

It also sounds very much like she wants to chase. She chased you to begin the relationship. If you want her, give her something to chase, i.e. make sure there is something about you that she think she might not be able to have. Stop telling her you love her, and she might think you have lost your feelings for her. Stop trying to contact her so much, and she may want more contact.

[candy604]

wow that sounds like me when i'm cold towards my bf. well right now i'm like that b/c we are on a break. I think the girl is confused and yeah don't call her anymore and just leave her alone.

[maladjusted]

i think you need to step back and start working on you and not so much trying to make her happy or want to be with you. my ex did the same thing in that she wanted her space and i started feeling that she only wanted to talk when it was convenient for her. i went with it for about a month but it was hard going from talking everyday to once a week or less. i went to visit my parents for thanksgiving and did a lot of thinking and soul searching. when i got back home i had decided that a part time relationship on her terms was not what i wanted and would not make me happy so i decided to end the relationship.

i figured out that i needed to do what would make me happy and not accomadate her with something i finally figured i was not willing to do. she wanted her space so now i am giving it to her fully. i feel at peace with my decision and we left on good terms and who knows what the future might hold. we could end up together or we might not but i am not worried about that now since i am moving on and only worrying about myself.

 

i know you are dealing with a lot of emotions right now walrus so just take a step back and try to look deep in your soul and mind and do what you think is right for you. that could be waiting around with limited or no contact or breaking it off and moving on. sometimes we know what we should do but we resist it because we know it is painful. the hardest decisions are the ones that hurt the most. good luck!

[silentalways]

and, my 2 cents [lol] when we think what we need to do are the hardest decisions, it is simply because we just haven't done them yet - and, when u do u find they weren't that hard after all. i think we often make the mistake of 'not' doing something because we 'think' it will be hard when i think it is just the 'starting' to do something that is the hard part. once started things always seem easier than we thought.

[WalrusMoustache]

Right, well I had actually decided on my own to leave her alone for a bit. So we'll see what comes of that I suppose. What I still don't understand is how, after being the way she was, she could just lose all affection immediately. When I say that I feel a certain way, I mean it! I'm not just going to up and change my opinion. And if I were her, I would not just let things drag on while I (the real me, heh) slog through copious amounts of painful emotions and misery. When I remember the time we spent together I realize that I have this big smile spreading accross my face, but then I come back to reality and it hurts so * * * *ing much. She said that she loved me and that I would never suddenly lose her for anything short of me cheating or treating her poorly. I believed her. Guess she didn't mean it after all.

[candy604]

sometimes girls are cold to deal with the hurt or confusion they are feeling. i remember seeing that movie, moulin rouge where the girl told her bf she didn't love him anymore to keep him from being hurt. ( but of course she did love him.

 

sorry you have to go through this.

[WalrusMoustache]

Thanks, I appreciate it. I just feel sick about it though.

[Beec]

It may be that she did meant it and that her feelings have changed. Feelings are not static things. Because I feel one way today does not mean I will feel that way tomorrow. Feelings change and are dynamic.

[WalrusMoustache]

Okay, so it's a few weeks later and things are largely the same. I tried calling her once through the intervening period (between now and my last post), and we talked for a bit. I ended up imploring her to flat-out tell me if she didn't love me anymore. She said something to the effect of the problem not being derived from a lack of liking me or even loving me, but rather that she is busy all the time. Hmmm... completely busy for months at a time? Whatever. She didn't seem irritated talking to me over the phone the way she did the previously mentioned few times, but then again I was the one making the majority of the conversation. And there was zero of the usual flirting. I tried, but she was not interested. It was like we were friends.

 

So a few more weeks go by, all the same as usual. She occasionally shows interest at work, but then she's still not the way she used to be. Oh, it might also be relevant to inform one that she did not remember my birthday, nor did she bother getting me anything. I mean, I'm not going to whine and cry - "Waahh, she didn't get me anything for my birthday!" But it was really hurtful all the same. Especially considering the trouble I went to in getting a B-Day gift to her. So a few days ago, I just figured: "You know what? Things are over. Just get the * * * * over her and move on".

 

And I might have done alright, were it not for the fact that she asked me what was wrong that very day. I asked her why the * * * * she cared, and told her that she had obviously been "done with me weeks ago". I walked off. She followed. She asked what I meant by that. I told her that she had been acting differently for weeks, that she didn't call anymore, from her or anyone else's phone, didn't answer if I tried calling, and that she didn't even care enough to remember or get me anything for my birthday. She asked me how I knew she didn't get me anything. I snidely reminded her that my birthday had been a week ago. She told me that she had a bad memory and that she forgot everyone's birthday. I reminded her that I had remembered her's.

 

She said, "Well, you have a better memory than I do". I sarcastically complimented her on a good point.

 

After that, we didn't even talk until the end of my shift. And I must have been throwing her some cold * * * *ing looks, because right before I got off, she came up to me, stood very very close, and looked me right in the eyes. She asked me not to hate her, not to be mad at her. Good God, she looked so beautiful with those big, sad brown eyes. She even did the cute thing with her bottom lip. I asked her if she didn't understand that the things she did were hurtful. I'm pretty sure she said she was sorry, but don't quote me on that.

 

She did, however, repeat her plea not to be mad at her. She seemed so sincere, I couldn't have stayed angry. I asked her, once again, if she still loved me. She said nodded and said, "Mmhmm." I told her that I loved her as well, and with that we parted. The next day I was considerably more enthused about seeing her, but to my temple-rubbing dismay, she spent almost the entire workday ignoring me in favor of the new guy they just hired, with whom she happened to have been "best buds" in middle school or something. (He's been working there for about a month, btw) She talked with me for a few short periods, even flirted a little, but eventually the both of them quit paying attention to anything but eachother. Slightly uncomfortable to say the least. I must admit, I let my anger get the best of me and left work without saying goodbye.

 

We still haven't spoken on the phone, nor have we visited outside work, not even on Christmas. I've asked a few others for their opinions in the matter, and everyone tells me to break it off. Some even say that she's manipulating me. I don't know what to do. Truth is, I'm so attatched to the way things abruptly stopped being, so in love with the girl I knew for a few months, I don't know if I can put a stop to things. I am quite surely in need of some wisdom here!