Why Do Men Bother With Relationships

[Jersey Shortie]

I am new to this message board. However, not new to posting on different message boards.

 

Between everything I have read and experienced with men, I am lately wondering why men bother having relationships. I use to believe that guys cared about what their women wanted. But it seems like men today are submerged and more driven to seek out their fantasy world then work at a good healthy relationship with the woman they are with.

 

I know why I have relationships. I love men and I want a healthy committed relationship and companionship that only a man can provide. I do not need to go to clubs where there are lots of other men around. I do not need to look at picture on the Internet of many different men. I do not feel the need to validate other men when I have an boyfriend. However, I do not think men are this way because they still do all these thigns regardless of having a girlfriend or not.

 

It seems like any chance guys get, they are out seeking out women. Whether it be through strip clubs, porn, or just your every day looking at other women and thinking about sleeping with anyone for your girlfriend's friends to her sister. So I wonder, why do guys bother having relationships now-a-days? If men love their fantasy world so much filled with perfect looking porn girls doing anything they want, then why do men bother with real women who can and won't ever compare to the wonderful girls he has in porn or fantasizes about seeing in the street? Why am I working so hard to please a man and give him what he needs if he can turn to porn and fantasy to satisfy himself?

 

I think women live in a hard time in life right now where men don't really value or respect of care about women a whole lot. And I just can't help but wonder why men even bother having relationships. I don't think men value women very much. And it is very draining and disappointing and dishearting, the amount of things men expect us to put up with just so we can have some kind of realtionship with them.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

It sounds like you've been hurt quite a bit, however men can not be grouped into one category or behavior, just as women can not. Porn is looked at by both genders, and often just simply there to enjoy. I know I love my boyfriend very much, as does he me, however we both have a very healthy sexual appetite and enjoy watching porn because of such.

[healinginnyc81]

fantasy is different from real life. Everyone has fantasies - women and men. But at the end of the day, I and most men I'm sure, would prefer a real person to be in a relationship with. Someone who relates to me and who I enjoy talking to, not just someone who I associate with a fantasy.

 

I think because of the media and the images it portrays there is pressure on both men and women to fit certain unrealistic stereotypes. But that doesn't stop us from appreciating a good relationship and friendship.

[BAS231187]

there are a few of us who arnt like that. altho even i will admit there doesnt seem to be many

i much prefer spending my time practising fire spinning and kite boarding. if some one comes up to me while im doing one of those i can chat for hours and teach them some stuff.

between a night clubbing and a night spent teaching some one a cool new skill, the later wins by miles.

dont give up on guys compleatly

[frozenblaze]

Yeah you seem to have stumbled upon the wrong guys, and I could tell the same about most of the ladies I have gone out with...

[doyathink]

Hi Jersey...

 

Finding someone who is compatible with you is what is important. Someone who has the same wants, desires, needs and beliefs. I'm not one who likes porn either and this has been a major issue for me in my current relationship.

 

A lot of ppl find nothing wrong with anything that you have mentioned, but if you cant live with someone who is like this.....then dont settle. Continue looking for a man who has the same principles as you do. It may be hard, as you are limiting yourself...but well worth the wait to get someone who wants to please you and someone that you can make happy.

 

Not all men are like this, and I think you know this...but it can be frustrating when you continually run into the same thing with everyone you date...

[musicguy]

I have relationships because I want to have a committed relationship. Relationships aren't all about sex.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

there are a few of us who arnt like that. altho even i will admit there doesnt seem to be many

i much prefer spending my time practising fire spinning and kite boarding. if some one comes up to me while im doing one of those i can chat for hours and teach them some stuff.

between a night clubbing and a night spent teaching some one a cool new skill, the later wins by miles.

dont give up on guys compleatly

 

No offense but that sounds like a date centered around you, rather than something that highlights both your skills and interests equally. I wouldn't want to date a guy who only wanted to 'teach' me what he knows, he should also be interested in what I'm interested in. A one sided date like that should be reserved for down the road and should be followed by or preceded by a day long date that's all about her.

[itsallgrand]

Between everything I have read and experienced with men, I am lately wondering why men bother having relationships.

 

Yeah. So I guess what you have been reading and what you have experienced with men hasn't been so good for you.

 

That's ok. I think we all have our stories (well, most of us!) of bad experiences, bad readings and news, and feelings that it just can't get any better, i'll never find someone to love me the way I need.

 

There are good men out there who do respect women. There is someone out there who could make you very happy, and you him. I have no doubts about that! Zilch, zero, none.

 

Now to get you to the point where you can see that again. Don't throw in the towel!

 

Are you single right now? Dating? Recently out of a relationship?

[ForAnother]

Women who view guys as such, detract the guys who do care a lot... reason? Guys don't like it when anyone "expects" something of them.

 

I usually run from those ones.

 

-ForAnother

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Women who view guys as such, detract the guys who do care a lot... reason? Guys don't like it when anyone "expects" something of them.

 

I usually run from those ones.

 

-ForAnother

 

Well that's a bit of a general statement. For instance if I were dating someone for six months I would certainly feel entitled to "Expect" being treated with respect. If a guy thought I never under any circumstances had a right to expect anything, I'd have to dump him.

[SexySadie7]

I feel quite the same as you do sometimes jersey shortie.. NO I don't think men value women or respect half as much as they did, say 20 years ago.

I agree that porn, and the internet, has made it very easy for a guy to satisfy himself.. if that's satisfying...

I don't find masturbating to be that satisfying emotionally. I suppose it does the job but I too want someone to spend time with.. to be romantic with.. like holding hands walking in a park, or just a simple kiss goodbye.

It scares me too cuz i see much of what the male poster BAS states: "there are a few of us who arnt like that. altho even i will admit there doesnt seem to be many"

See.. even the guys notice that there's hardly any other guys who are still respectful to women and want a normal relationship!

That is a bad state of affairs.

Yeah.. lately. i just feel like giving up trying to meet a nice man I'm attracted to. All the guys now act like players. They don't care about you, your health or your feelings. It's scary and it's very hurtful and damagin to one's self-esteem to be continually exposed to this type of dating scene.

I think the dating scene stinks now myself!

Am I the only female besides jersieshortie who thinks like this?

I see two guys.. one from LA and one from Iowa who apparently still treat women as people. Maybe we shud move there Jerseyshortie,

Good luck to ya.. I don't know. .i was thinking of joining a gym.. I may not meet anyone.. but at least i can get some exercise and get to socialize with people without being at a bar.

[doyathink]

Sadie, you brought up a good point. You dont find masturbating emotionally satisfying....

 

maybe some ppl dont need to be emotionally satisfied...maybe thats why they would rather do this then to have a meaningful relationship.

 

Maybe they get more thrills out of ppl watching and masturbating and things of this nature then a relationship gives them?!?!

[SexySadie7]

It's possible. Everyone has different needs too i suppose.

Well.. somehow though, I just feel the type of man who's satisfied to satify his sexual drive thru porn, and one night stands or casual sex isn't very mature emotionally.

I don't think i'd want to be with someone like that either. There's something very juvenile about it.

[Timebandit]

Sadie, you brought up a good point. You dont find masturbating emotionally satisfying....

 

maybe some ppl dont need to be emotionally satisfied...maybe thats why they would rather do this then to have a meaningful relationship.

 

Maybe they get more thrills out of ppl watching and masturbating and things of this nature then a relations gives them?!?!

 

I think it has more to do with no pressure and not being dependent on someone for satisfaction.

 

In a way, I think masturbation is an emotional 'valve' for many men.

[Dako]

Men are all different.

Some are bitter about having been used by women, and could easily have written the OP in the same way.

[luciand]

I personally blame it on the world we live in today. In the old days there were certain set values, life within homes was more regulated/strict, and people seemed to care more. Nowadays it seems to be all about me me me.

 

The current culture is also partially to blame... rap or w/e it's called now seems to be the most popular. That's fine... but when you sing about having sex with lots of women, treating women like trash, pretending to be a hardass , etc... this only leads to bad things. The younger generation looks at this and thinks its okay, when it definitely IS NOT.

 

Also take a look at our television... now I'm not saying that smutty stuff is terrible... but it shouldn't be idolized. For instance look at any European country. They have nudity/smut readily available, however, if you ever visit they don't treat their women like crap as much as Americans do.

 

My personal thought is that over there a lot of things aren't taboo. So there isn't that sense of... oo.. let's do this cuz is taboo. At the same time there isn't a idolization of smuttyness... its recognized as being there, but that's about it.

 

I also forgot... the typical places to look for people of the opposite sex right now are bad examples. I would much rather meet someone while doing my typical things, such as buying a book at borders, fencing, or going to class. You will usually meet someone who has something in common in places you like to be at.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Wow, those are wise observations for one so young.

[luciand]

thanks... but I'm not really wise... I just like to observe my surroundings.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

It's a good thing to be able to look at things from a broader perspective, not just by your immediate surroundings.

[caro33]

For what it's worth, I believe there are are lots of great men out there, although I was less sure when I was single and was being treated poorly. I have to admit I also allowed myself to be treated poorly because I was so afraid that there was no one out there for me, so the guy who was dismissive and arrogant was still better than being alone forever. Unfortunately this is a self-fulfilling prophecy because it meant I wasn't available for the nice guys who WERE out there.

 

I wish there was a way to transplant some hope through the internet, and I realise it sounds smug and flippant, but hang in there. Yes, we live in a consumer culture where bodies and sex are also just consumables, but just like women, many men still seek true intimacy and a real connection.

 

It's perverse but kind of logical, I do believe that you tend to meet the best type of person for you when you are not looking. Give up, be quietly resigned to being alone and self-sufficient, and lo and behold, there's the person who loves you and is right for you.

[healinginnyc81]

You may be right that our culture today promotes objectification of women.

 

However, I think women have plenty of options today and they don't need to settle for anyone who treats them poorly. I personally know plenty of guys who do respect women and treat them well, so I'm sure that if you continue meeting guys you'll come accross some good guys.

 

Of course, I'm a college student and this is based on the guys I meet here in college. But I think it still is a fair representation of society.

 

Where are you going to meet guys?

[Jersey Shortie]

Thank you for all the replies. There are some things I would like to reply back to.

 

 

fantasy is different from real life. Everyone has fantasies - women and men. But at the end of the day, I and most men I'm sure, would prefer a real person to be in a relationship with. Someone who relates to me and who I enjoy talking to, not just someone who I associate with a fantasy.

 

The thing is. Guys want BOTH the fantasy ideal image that men hold these type of women on pedestals AND you want someone to come home to. So guys just want it both ways so they can have their cake and eat it too.

 

 

I think because of the media and the images it portrays there is pressure on both men and women to fit certain unrealistic stereotypes.

 

The pressure women face is ten times the pressure men face in this regard.

I don't think men understand how over-whelming the pressure is and how their man at home contribuate to those feelings.

 

 

 

 

there are a few of us who arnt like that. altho even i will admit there doesnt seem to be many

i much prefer spending my time practising fire spinning and kite boarding. if some one comes up to me while im doing one of those i can chat for hours and teach them some stuff.

between a night clubbing and a night spent teaching some one a cool new skill, the later wins by miles.

dont give up on guys completely

 

Thank you. That was really nice to read. I am at a point where I am very very discouraged with men. I agree that spending some time kite boarding is alot funner then going to a club.

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah you seem to have stumbled upon the wrong guys, and I could tell the same about most of the ladies I have gone out with...

 

 

Well ironically that should tell you something if *most* of the ladies you have gone out with stumbled accross the wrong guys. Maybe there aren't as many good guys as there use to be anymore and the good ones are hard to find.

 

 

 

 

Women who view guys as such, detract the guys who do care a lot... reason? Guys don't like it when anyone "expects" something of them.

 

I usually run from those ones.

 

 

So you don't expect anything from the women you date or have relationships with? And you can't deal with it if someone "expects"something from you??

 

 

 

I think it has more to do with no pressure and not being dependent on someone for satisfaction.

 

In a way, I think masturbation is an emotional 'valve' for many men.

 

Can you please explain this further. How is masturbation an "emotional valve"?

[melrich]

The pressure women face is ten times the pressure men face in this regard.

I don't think men understand how over-whelming the pressure is and how their man at home contribuate to those feelings.

 

Jersey, this is an extremely unfair statement. I understand the pressures on women to live up to a stereotypical "perfect" wife/girlfriend/lover etc.

 

Those on men are different but they are no less imposing. The pressure that men feel to provide, to "get ahead", to be a role model to their kids....it is no less than that felt bey women. In fact the overwhelming ( and I mean overwhelming) body of research says that men attach far more importance to their performance in these roles as seen by peers than women do in the performance of their roles as seen by peers.

 

Unfortunately far too many mem define themselves only by the way they perform their "male role" (essentially job and provider). Women tend to be far more practical and define themselves typically accross a range of benchmarks (motherhood, social success, career, happiness).

 

The two demographics with the greatest rates of suicide are young male teens and middle aged men. The latter, the main reason middle age men cite for attempting to commit, or committing suicide is their failure to be the male role model they felt they should have been.

 

Both sexes face enourmous pressures and I would never argue which faces more. But I can tell you that it is simply trite to say women face 10 times the pressure to perform in their roles than men do.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Those on men are different but they are no less imposing. The pressure that men feel to provide, to "get ahead", to be a role model to their kids....it is no less than that felt bey women. In fact the overwhelming ( and I mean overwhelming) body of research says that men attach far more importance to their performance in these roles as seen by peers than women do in the performance of their roles as seen by peers.

 

But I think we're talking about men and women here who are still single, and have not yet met someone to start a family with.

 

The two demographics with the greatest rates of suicide are young male teens and middle aged men. The latter, the main reason middle age men cite for attempting to commit, or committing suicide is their failure to be the male role model they felt they should have been.

 

That isn't necessarily an indication that men face more pressure but could simply mean that men can't handle pressure as well.