He asked me out but I think he has a girlfriend...

[annie24]

it's a proven fact that men go for women who are smart, but not smarter than them. plus... it's a macho thing... guys love to teach and explain things. i ask my b/f questions that i already know the answer to so he can feel like a big boy ;-)

 

you are a smart woman, don't play dumb

[annie24]

Yeah, good point... this is what I was suspecting... also, he mentioned that he didn't want to study with me in the law library because he was scared of bumping into his ex-girlfriends...

 

how do I bring it up though?

 

I'll have to try it subtely this time... say something like 'so you like hitting on undergrad girls? you told me you only go for law students though, on our last date (although the first time we met you said you DID date an undergrad when u were in law school. what's up with that?)

 

then he can be like 'oh *** you figured out i lied." (and that was a white lie, i don't really care that much if he dated undergrads...)

 

but then it can be a segueway to "well... when was your last relationship?did you just break up with your gf?"

 

hitting 2 stones at once...

 

I wouldn't overanalyze anything just yet, or ask him too many personal questions about his past. after all, you haven't even been on one date with him. maybe you will go out with him, and he will, like, have horrible table manners and be rude to the waitress and you'll lose all interest, and then all the analysis will have been wasted. I think go out with him, a few times, and if you still like him, maybe ask him if he is over his last relationship and if he is ready to move on.

 

I asked a guy online who contacted me, told me that he had just gotten out of a 4 year relationship a few weeks earlier. normally I don't ask, but it sounded too much of a "rebound" to me. well, when we finally met, it was quite clear that he was looking for a rebound.

[agualibre777]

yeah, i second the above post. just wait and see, have the observation on the backburner... and don't be too direct about asking about past girlfriends... just yet... but personally i would be hesitant to date someone that was purposefully avoiding his ex's. like... that would make me wonder if eventually when we were to break up he would avoid me too... thats not cool.

[Lily04]

I wouldn't overanalyze anything just yet, or ask him too many personal questions about his past. after all, you haven't even been on one date with him. maybe you will go out with him, and he will, like, have horrible table manners and be rude to the waitress and you'll lose all interest, and then all the analysis will have been wasted. I think go out with him, a few times, and if you still like him, maybe ask him if he is over his last relationship and if he is ready to move on.

 

I asked a guy online who contacted me, told me that he had just gotten out of a 4 year relationship a few weeks earlier. normally I don't ask, but it sounded too much of a "rebound" to me. well, when we finally met, it was quite clear that he was looking for a rebound.

 

Hey Annie,

 

Well we did go on a first date already on Tuesday -- met for brunch and dinner, and ended up studying all day as well! We had a really great chemistry together, I could talk with him for hours... but his comments about his ex & avoiding the library also caused me to wonder. So I think I will take your advice and not ask anything about past relationships just yet, and see...

 

How was it "quite clear" that the guy you met was just looking for a rebound to you? He tried to have sex on the first date, or what? Some of the signs you note may help me to know as well...

 

Thanks so much,

 

Lily

[Lily04]

Hi guys,

 

You know what... there's just something about him I seriously don't trust. And I don't like this. I told him that I wanted to study with him at the law library and he was opposed to that.

 

Also I found his ex-gf on Facebook and she is indeed engaged and appears happily so. She added him as a friend on Facebook, and I'm happy that they appear comfortable as that. However, I'm just wondering why he is so opposed to accidentally 'bumping' into his exes at the law school to the extent that he avoids going there at all?? (at least he claims it) Or at least he avoids going there with me.

 

And then he was talking on the phone when we first met and said that he accidentally called his "girlfriend" while drunk! (he meant to say 'ex-gf'). But still.....he was really embarrassed by this like 'oh sh*t' but seriously... why should this be an issue if she is engaged and happily over him? (assuming she was the gf he was referring to.) Maybe it's because HE himself is not over her?

 

I just get the impression that I am rebound, maybe he has another girl on the side he doesn't want her to find out about me so he's avoiding taking me to the law school library in case i happen to bump into them. additionally, I don't like how he wants to meet with me almost everyday. what's up with that? and for drinks, etc... going a bit fast I think. It feel like we were dating for months already when we just met, and perhaps he's consciously trying to make that impression. he's a smart guy, perhaps too smooth but i'm smart enough to realize the consequences and associated circumstances that arise with that as well.

 

So I just e-mailed him and said I don't want to meet him tomorrow and my weekend is also booked. and not sure about how I am next week, it depends on my schedule.

 

I just feel hurt and betrayed and don't even want to date anymore. i'm so sick of men... I don't know. If we do date one thing is for sure: we have to take it slower, I have to know that he's over his ex. for sure, and that i'm not just a rebound. because right now I don't trust him and it's not cool.

 

Lily

[Lily04]

also he just avoided my msn msg. by not responding, which really pissed me off.

[Lily04]

can someone reply to this? it's driving me nuts........

[annie24]

hm. it is possible that he is just away from the internet.

 

as for you "gut" instinct about him..... maybe you should go with that? or you are being too paranoid.....? but I think in general, if you have a gut instinct, go with that.....

 

you don't have to jump into a relationship with him right away. you can get to know him for a while. trust isn't all or nothing.

 

and don't forget, there are plenty of other guys out there.

[Lily04]

sure. I just don't see why he'd want to date me anyway. His ex-gf is the type of girl I essentially pictured with him... blonde, extrovertive, really smart & carefree type. I'm sorta the dark & serious type....brunette with green eyes, i'm probably hotter than her (it's hard to be objective here though) but I don't know. I'm more introvertive and I have to work hard to do well in school a bit more....i couldn't just get a 171 on the LSAT without trying (her score.)

 

so why is he interested in me??

 

i don't know. alternatively, i just got an email from my prof. and if I don't hand in my essay by tomorrow i fail the course!!! great to know. should get started on that.

 

lily

[annie24]

well.... something to think about.... an ex is an ex for a reason! it is possible that he gave things with "her type" a shot, and it didn't really work out, so now he is trying out a new type.

 

Or maybe you two have something in common that maybe isn't quite so evident to you or her on the surface.....

 

yeah, forget this guy for the next 24 hours. Finish that paper, think about the guy tomorrow.

 

good luck!

[Lily04]

Yeah, thanks. We're sorta opposites in some ways, but I guess opposites attract as well. Who knows.. I don't care anymore.

 

I have to work on this paper!!!!! ahh. but it's not just this paper, it's everything for the course.....paper, reading response, etc. etc.

 

i'm going to literally die. i might just commit suicide. i don't know. i'm just soo overwhelmed at this point..................

[annie24]

no suicide. please no. it is just a class, in the grand scheme of things, very unimportant. even if you fail the class, life goes on. most people fail some class or another, or come accross a great difficulty, but a few years later, it isn't even a blip on the radar.....

[Lily04]

It determines my future though.

 

There's no way I can do this. There's 4 assignments due by tomorrow for this one course. he's suggesting i hand them all in or i'll have to formally appeal to the faculty.

 

it's my 2nd last yr of UG, this is most important for any sort of law/grad schools.

 

i think imay just jump off a building downtown, tomorrow depending on the circumstances. i just honestly don't care that much... and it's only 2 days away from my b-day, somewhat appropriate. like life and death in one...

[annie24]

No lily. No. This is really not the answer. I know that you are really stressed out with classes but suicide is NOT the answer.

 

Ok, let's say... worst case scenario? You fail the class. Maybe you don't get into the best law schools, or you don't even get into any law school. If that is your final goal, you can make it there another way. Go to grad school, get a master's degree, then reapply.

 

or take an extra year of undergrad to get your grades up.

 

law school, getting in, is not the end of the world, and it is not your only option in life.

 

I honestly know how you feel, I came close at one point of getting the boot out of grad school, but I pulled it all together, and everything worked out. Many others have had similar experiences. I know one prof it happened to, but now the prof is doing very well and is a prof!!!

 

ok, please don't do anything rash.....

[DN]

Lily - you are too smart to let this bother you that much. Use your rationality and not your emotions to deal with this - put things in order of priority and eal with themone at a time.

 

Maybe e-mail the prof and tell him you are having some emotional issues and need an extension to get things done.

[Lily04]

I told him that. I think I was too descriptive in describing my learning disability though (i said that was the reason along with migraines for why i couldn't do it) and he said I still have to petition. Again, however, my LD advisor isn't helpful and likely won't support any formal petition to the board.

 

whatever. i don't care anymore, honestly.... in some ways i just really want to kill myself though and stop the hurting. but in other ways i don't know. i just hate myself, and my life.........i wish everything would be over at once.

[annie24]

hey lily, it is just one class, it is not the end of the world. You know what, why not just take an incomplete, and do the class again over next semester? I know you have a heavy load this semester, so why not just go a little easier on yourself?

 

Seriously, I cannot EMPHASIZE this point enough. this one class doesn't determine the rest of your future. It's just one class, out of many classes. Even if you fail, you can still get into law school. I know many people who don't get into school on their first try, they apply next year, and then get in a ton of places.

 

The world is very forgiving to a 21 year old who messed up in a few classes. Everyone knows that at 21, you have a lot on your plate, and if you grow and learn, you will be ok.

 

Really, there is no reason to end things, it is really only one class. you will get into law school if you apply yourself and don't freak out just yet.

[arwen]

Hey girl,

 

I just want to encourage you, like annie says, it's a CLASS. Yes, this determines your future, but not ALL of your future. So get to work. If you need help for making work schemes, I am here.

 

You are by no means the only one struggling in school, a lot of people have difficulties with the planning of essays, term papers, etc. Most colleges/unis have counsellors for this. Here I know that older students volunteer to help younger ones out, or people study together.

 

I'd say for now, stop worrying and obsessing over the dude, it's not going to make any difference whatsoever. Change the things you CAN, which is your paper/assignments. Leave the rest to the universe.

 

What I see in you is that you really want to be in control of everything. But hun, you CAN'T. I know it's very difficult, and I am in many ways like you, esp. when I was younger. But I learned to distinguish between the things I could change and the things that wouldn't be influenced by my worries at all. As a student, I wasted a lot of time worrying about my planning, but also boys, etc.

 

You are a smart and great girl. I am sure you will be ok.

 

Ilse

[rose2summer]

Hey Lily-

 

I wanted to chime in and tell you as the others have, that this is one class, and it will in no way determine your career or your ability to get into law school.

 

I know more than enough students who have done poorly in a class and gotten into law, med, pharm, dental, business school.

 

I used to be very much like you in that perfectionist aspect, I wanted to be the best and it really hurt me.

 

When I accepted I just needed to be me and just do MY best, I became a stellar student.

 

Papers can be tricky, and they can be frustrating, but I found some ways of dealing with them that have helped me.

 

You don't need to be rigid when you write them, so what I mean is that you don't need to write the introduction first and make the paragraphs follow.

 

When I write a paper, I write random paragraphs, I don't make them tie in at all, then once I get all of my ideas onto paper, I then start tieing them into each other with transitional sentences at the beginning and end of each paragraph. Then I go and write the intro and conclusion. It has worked tremendously for me to avoid being distraught over the paper needing to be perfect from the start.

 

I have always asked my professors to read my papers before turning them in. That was a very useful tool for me, since I would hand it to the professor 2-4weeks before it was due and say, would you mind looking over this for me and giving me on feedback on how to make it a more compelling paper. They would and I would meet with them during office hours and then after I rewrote it, I would receive a high mark, because they had provided critique on it for me.

 

What I see here with you is what I used to do, procrastinate and overstress yourself. The day you get your paper assignment, begin writing it, then look at it a day later, and then ask your professor to look at it for you. I think that most university/college professors would be more than happy to help. But they cannot help you unless you reach out to them.

 

For this quarter/semester, can you take an incomplete as Annie suggested and then finish it up next quarter/semester? It will not hurt you academically, and that way you aren't so stressed out about how to compile your paper.

 

We are here to help you along the way

 

Hugs, Rose