Is it possible for a married couple to ever get over an affair?

[Corvette]

I had an affair on my wife seven years ago and it still is brought up daily. I was just curious if other married couples have been able to get over an affair so that it is not a constant source of arguments.

[kermit]

Seven years? I don't think she's ever getting over it...

[Day_Walker]

At that point I dont ever think that it is going to go away.

[Jayar]

Heck I'm surprised she let you stick around for 7 years at all! By now I'd have dropped you and likely been married to someone who DIDN'T betray my physical safety and emotional trust...

 

I suppose if you haven't tried counselling, you might want to consider that. Otherwise it's a case of you made your bed, now lie in it or leave.

[Corvette]

The sad part of this is it constantly is being brought up, especially if I am upset at her about something. She can always come back with "Well what were you doing {mod edit} that {Mod Edit} " etc.

[Corvette]

Heck I'm surprised she let you stick around for 7 years at all! By now I'd have dropped you and likely been married to someone who DIDN'T betray my physical safety and emotional trust...

 

I suppose if you haven't tried counselling, you might want to consider that. Otherwise it's a case of you made your bed, now lie in it or leave.

 

We did go to counselling, it did not help at all.

[BellaDonna]

I think she may have forgiven, but not forgotten.

 

Having an affair is going to lead to major consequences. This is one of them. Your wife is obviosuly still very hurt and angry and throwing in your face every chance she gets.

 

However, I also believe that if your spouse agrees to take you back- 7 years might be a bit much. You both have to move on because this is unhealthy.

 

The problem is that when a person's trust is violated and thay are hurt so badly, it's hard to put things like that behind them. I'm not sure if the devastation and bitterness about it ever goes away.

 

Maybe she feels that you did not express enough remorse, so she is trying to "make you understand" what she went through by always mentioning it? Perhaps she does not fully trust you. Or plain and simple: she can be trying to hurt you out of anger.

 

She's also being unfair about it by bringing it up during arguments. She is wrong to do that as a means to justify everything.

 

People make mistakes. You can't fairly torture them about it forever if you agree to taken them back. Have the 2 of you ever tried counseling? It seems like there are a lot of unsettled issues that she may be too defensive about if you try to tackle this on your own.

 

BellaDonna

[itsallgrand]

No, she can't bring it up when it is not relevent. Not unless you let her.

 

Yeah, I'm with Jahar in that it is surprising she has stuck around this long if she is still so hurt by it. Sounds like she is taking a long revenge on you.

 

Perhaps you guys are stuck in a bitter unhealthy pattern.

 

Why do you put up with having this thrown in your face SEVEN YEARS LATER ?

Dig deep.

Don't cop out with 'because I love her' bs.

Love doesn't mean being hurt repeatedly, with past behavior used as ammunition.

 

She is obviously doesn't want to get over it. Nothing you can do there.

 

Did you reform, do all that was needed to try and build trust again? Somehow, I've got a bad feeling about this....if looking at your choice of avatar is even a taste of the sort of bloke you are presenting yourself to the world to be....

[BellaDonna]

We did go to counselling, it did not help at all.

 

Didn't see your last response before I posted.

 

Why do you think it was unsucessful?

 

 

BellaDonna

[Dako]

I know couples who did get past affairs, but they were of the era when appearance and security were the big issue. Love was secondary.

Not to kick you when you're down, but what do you expect from the woman?

[Jayar]

We did go to counselling, it did not help at all.

 

Have you considered divorce? For BOTH of your sanity? She's not getting over it, and you're getting frustrated by her not getting over it. It doesn't seem like there is much to work on here, IMO.

 

You deserve to be with someone who doesn't throw the past in your face all the time. Hopefully you learned from your past mistake and won't have affairs in the future. But at the same time, SHE deserves to be with someone with whom she has a clean slate. I think your actions have scarred her view of relationships, men, and marriage for life. But who knows? Maybe someone deserving of her trust can build it up again if given the chance.

[Corvette]

 

She's also being unfair about it by bringing it up during arguments. She is wrong to do that as a means to justify everything.

 

People make mistakes. You can't fairly torture them about it forever if you agree to taken them back. Have the 2 of you ever tried counseling? It seems like there are a lot of unsettled issues that she may be too defensive about if you try to tackle this on your own.

 

BellaDonna

 

This is what upsets me the most, we could be in an argument over something about our children and this pops up. Also I was 25 back then and a much different person.

[Corvette]

We have children and are trying to keep our family together.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

throwing this in your face 7 years later (assuming no other adultery has taken place since then) is really a form of emotional blackmail... i think she is getting leverage out of this, i.e., it is her trump card whenever she wants to win an argument or stick it to you because she is angry, and her get out of jail free card when she has done something wrong to you and doesn't want to take responsibility for it, she just points the finger back at you...

 

marriages are never quite the same after an affair... the innocence of easy and automatic trust is gone, and it is work to reclaim that trust. however, after 7 years and assuming no more betrayals during that time, she is now using this as a club to beat you into submission rather than any real trust issue.

 

if it were me, and i had worked hard for forgiveness and 7 years had passed, i would not put up with this... she uses this to put herself in the one up position, and really that is a dirty arguing tactic, not clean fighting to resolve issues...

 

so you've got to sit her down and tell her if you are going to have disagreements, you need to argue about the real problem, not dredge up old history every day so she can feel like she has won every argument and put you in your place. if she can't learn to negotiate life with you with dragging this up, then i'd say talk to her and say, look, you never got over this, so we should break up since you never have gotten over it (assuming that is what you want to do).

 

it was wrong of you to cheat, but it is also wrong of her to drag up the incident every single day for 7 years to give herself leverage in winning everyday arguments.

 

it really sounds like you fight too much, and that is as big a problem as adultery in terms of making day to day life miserable and ruining a peaceful home4.

[Dako]

You might try a bit of discretion, Corvette.

I'm quite surprised you'd link this thread to your myspace site with all the details of your entire family. I'd have PMed but it's turned off.

[Jayar]

Did you reform, do all that was needed to try and build trust again? Somehow, I've got a bad feeling about this....if looking at your choice of avatar is even a taste of the sort of bloke you are presenting yourself to the world to be....

 

I wasn't going to mention the avatar, but it was the FIRST thing I noticed too. Here is this guy coming on a forum to ask about why his wife isn't getting over an ancient affair, and he has an avatar like that. I put myself in his wife's shoes... If I saw an avatar (or calendars, screensavers, desktop wallpapers, etc.) of that nature COMBINED with the fact he had an affair on me I'd likely vomit.

 

If that avatar is an indication of the "different person" he is now, and how far he's come in 7 years... Well I don't know what ever possessed her to have kids with him in the first place. In any case, the kids are better off with their mother being in a HAPPY relationship or none at all, than one where she is emotionally distraught.

[Corvette]

There have been a few other incidents but not to the degree of the intial affair.

[BellaDonna]

I just want to make eveyone aware that Corvette came here for advice.

 

His wife already gives him enough grief so let's give him a break. I'm sure he realizes what he did was wrong. I would not feel comfortable making judgements about him now based on his avatar alone.

 

Let's be welcoming, or at the very least, understanding.

 

I do not agree with cheating at all, my husband would be ancient history if he did it- but here I see Corvette looking for advice so let's make that our priority.

 

Corvette, what do you think of all this? Perhaps you could share the reason you chose your avatar?

 

BellaDonna

[Corvette]

I just want to make eveyone aware that Corvette came here for advice.

 

His wife already gives him enough grief so let's give him a break. I'm sure he realizes what he did was wrong. I would not feel comfortable making judgements about him now based on his avatar alone.

 

Let's be welcoming, or at the very least, understanding.

 

I do not agree with cheating at all, my husband would be ancient history if he did it- but here I see Corvette looking for advice so let's make that our priority.

 

Corvette, what do you think of all this? Perhaps you could share the reason you chose your avatar?

 

BellaDonna

 

Thank you, I got the feeling this is a largely female board and that I would get attacked here for being a married male that has cheated.

[Jayar]

There have been a few other incidents but not to the degree of the intial affair.

 

Have YOU considered personal councelling for your problem without your wife in the picture at all? Is it a fear of intimacy that's driven your cheating? Are you just under the impression that you're some grand playboy and the feelings of your family don't matter? These are honest questions...

 

I have a feeling that the reason she's not getting over it is because you haven't given her any reason to. I feel bad that your wife's self esteem is so low that she's even allowing you to remain in a position where you CAN complain about her "bringing it up" at all.

[Corvette]

oh and the avatar is one I use on other Auto BB's so I used it here.... I did not think I would get attacked for it.

[Dako]

I'd advise Corvette to delete the link to his family website to protect their privacy.

To me, that makes his avatar a moot point by comparison.

 

I'm a guy, and I'd never expose my wife and kids like that.

[BellaDonna]

Thank you, I got the feeling this is a largely female board and that I would get attacked here for being a married male that has cheated.

 

I'm not sure of the gender ratio. However we've had many posts on here from both men and women who cheat and they have tended to end up like this.

 

It's a sensitive topic. Since this is a relationship forum, people often come here with their own set of sensitivities and you will likely have many members who have been cheated on themselves and may become upset by this topic. We all have our own biases and experiences we bring with us.

 

I hope you don't let it discourage you from seeking further help/advice.

 

Anyways, back to your topic. I would like liek to know what you think the counseling failed the first time. What did you think of the counselor? Were you and your wife both open to the recommendations made?

 

BellaDonna

[Corvette]

I'd advise Corvette to delete the link to his family website to protect their privacy.

To me, that makes his avatar a moot point by comparison.

 

I'm a guy, and I'd never expose my wife and kids like that.

 

done......

[itsallgrand]

To clarify: There was no attack on you regarding your avatar. It was my, albeit not gracious, attempt to point out an instant impression I had (and I'm sure others may have had, but are too polite to say).

 

It is not an offence, nor am I assuming that is an Accurate representation of you.

None here know you.

 

However, you did come here asking for advice about your marriage. The problem has to do with infidelity.

The avatar choice struck me as an odd one. Why represent yourself with a seductive woman?

 

Ok, enough about that!

 

My point is: You have not mentioned what/if you have done to make this better. If you have put the work in - or if you even know what that would be?

 

I'd be interested to hear what you have tried so far. That would eliminate what didn't work. ...more info, if you can.