I thought dating again was a good thing...?

[hpsowce]

Hi all, it's been quite a while since I last posted. In fact I think my last post was shortly after me and my ex split after giving our relationship another chance (back in September). Since that time I restarted my efforts at sorting out a few personal issues that were pretty crippling for me, namely very low self-esteem and lack of confidence. With the help of a therapist and an almost obsessive self-help book habit I feel I've come a long way. I started to realise that my negative internal thoughts manifested themselves externally in the way I acted with other people and that caused quite a few problems for me socially.

 

Eventually my efforts bore fruit and I started to feel better about things, I expect the passage of time had a hand in setting things right too. I suspect it's natural to over-emphasise and exaggerate problems shortly after a personal crisis, and whilst it can seem horrific at the time it can certainly focus the mind on issues you may otherwise have been ignoring.

 

Another issue I was dealing with was the seemingly common "I'll never find anyone as perfect as her again (or I'll never find anyone at all!)" syndrome. Funnily enough as I tackled my lack of confidence I started to notice I was having more success with women (i define 'more success' as being the difference between me staring at the floor whilst berating myself for not having the guts to say anything and me smiling and saying "Hi" - not exactly Casanova!!).

 

But things did start happening, I had a couple of one night-stands (I regret these - I thought it be a confidence booster but they had the opposite effect) and eventually I had my first post-breakup date. Now this is where things start going wrong!! I liked the girl, I thought she was cute and fun to be around, we had a good time and agreed to see each other again. I've seen her a number of times now and she's mentioned she sees me as her boyfriend (we have slept together) and that she has developed feelings for me. I haven't developed matching feelings and to be honest the thought of getting into a 'proper' relationship at this point terrifies me. I can see I'm being extremely selfish by not setting her straight but I do enjoy her company, STUPID QUESTIONS ALERT!! is it cruel to continue a relationship when I'm unsure? Am I cowardly to not want to say something? I know the answer to these questions is yes so maybe I just need someone to slap me round the face and tell me so!

 

I really don't want to mess someone else's life up in my attempts to recover from my own personal train-wreck. I fear I may have left it too long to avoid hurting her, it's only been just over 2 weeks but she was very keen to move things on. It's disturbing that a part of me would rather stay quiet and enjoy the feeling of being wanted again.

[cherries]

you REALLY need to be honest about this. otherwise she will keep pushing you and you will end up being the dumper. i think she would have every right to be p*ssed off with you if you let it go on much longer, without being honest. you don't have to end it, just tell her you need to go slower. if she really likes you, she will stick around.

[Aschleigh]

You can do both. Give this girl a chance, go on a few more dates, see if it feels good to be around her. And be honest with her that you are fresh out of a relationship and may need some time before you jump into another relationship.

[bestfishinthepond]

Hp..thank you for a refreshing view and gentlemenly consideration towards the girl's feeling. My ex could learn a few things from you. Read my post and you will get a perspective as how your new interest will feel in four months time, if you continue seeing her and do not have the same "..into you as you are into me feelings."

 

If you have interest in this girl...please, please don't sleep with her because you "like" her. Discuss up front that you are "fresh" out of a relationship and feel that you are not ready for anything beyond the casual date. Also, state that you respect her feelings if she needs to stop seeing you.

 

To not say anything is selfish on your part and demoralizing to the counter part. By the third or the fourth date a person generally knows if they want to continue seeing a person on a more time oriented and eventually, in an exclusive way that leads to a time tested relationship. Also..if you have an online personal ad...it goes down! (sorry, I had to vent) If you dig this person and she enriches your life then let your interests bud and bloom over a much longer time period. Set time aside to place weekly or monthly "relationship checks" to see where you both are with respect to each other feelings and expectations. In my relationship, we failed to do this and our feelings toward each other got way off-kilter. Now, I am heart-broken and just another rebound. Yes, he did his one-night stands before me and felt crappy too. Is this a guy thing?

Be honest with each other, now! If your not on the same wavelength then thank her for her time and the dates together. Move on.

Sorry for rambling..but I thought you ought to hear the "rebound's" point of view.

[L.J.]

Hey now, Bestfish ... it's not totally a guy thing O You didn't count me, did you?

 

HP, there are no stupid questions, just stupid answers. You don't want to mess up someone else's life. I really respect you for that. A visit to the Relationship Commitment section in this forum might give you an insight how many lives are messed up.

[bestfishinthepond]

L.J...let's go back to the tennis court where "love" means nothing...

[Orlander]

I started dating my ex when I thought I was ready for another relationship and probably, I was...but I had troubles seeing my ex as the person I really wanted to be with and that mindset persisted throughout the relationship. I should have been honest with her and with myself.

 

Get yourself sorted out first.

 

 

Orlander

[L.J.]

Bestfish... better to reign in hell than to serve in heaven?

[bestfishinthepond]

Nice post Orlander, I agree with you. Well hell, L.J ...you know it's definitely been raining on my end. I'd better go get my umbrella because heaven knows I've been serving up enough tears over being a rebound relationship! Anyway,Hp...be honest with yourself and with your new interest so two hearts don't get broken.

[hpsowce]

Thanks for your responses, after reading them and re-reading my own post a few times I feel much more confident about what I need to do. I've always hated hurting other peoples feelings but it's obvious that if I don't say anything the pain inflicted on her could be much, much worse - and as a relatively recent 'dumpee' I don't have to look back too far to see what that's like.

 

Thanks again!

[bestfishinthepond]

Hp...I'm just checking in to see how everything is doing and if you have found resolution to your situation.

[silentalways]

and i wish i had been because the person i met was wicked and wonderful but it was obvious i still had some work to do on my personal issues so it was decided to stop dating. i really thought i was ready at the time and so did she but we both had to step back - what's the rush anyways. its better to have dated someone briefly where we both saw that 'things' needed to be settled early on instead of playing games. i truly resepct her for helping me recognize this fact and for all the ways she showed support and understanding - she is a friend and a great musician. we enjoy a short and great time together and i am sure we will see each other down the road as we both love and write music. i am much better now then back then but still a work in progress.