FOR MEN ONLY: Why Do Men Change When They Meet A Girl They're Interested In?

[MissDashwood]

--Please read, this post has been edited for clarity--

 

In response to some posts I've been annoyed with recently, I'd like to ask the more objective question: Why do men, when they meet a girl whom they are interested in, potentially for a long-term relationship or marriage, change their personality/behavior/attitude? And if they don't, what is that typically a sign of? Also, just personal opinion from males, is it often a good thing to change or do you look back and wonder why you shifted your life for someone else?

 

For example: Guy meets Girl one summer. They begin dating and are going for about two months. Guy has Friend A and Friend B, Friend A is a boy and Friend B is a girl. Friend B notices a distinct difference in Guy's personality and attitude. He seems more irritable and snappy, more arrogant, more irresponsible, more impatient and unfriendly at times with people, and he is treating Friend B differently, almost distancing himself from her while also keeping her closer than ever as a friend. Over a few months, this same personality change is evident and gets stronger. Guy seems to be swooning and floating on Cloud 9 as though he's in love, yet he's more than ever aggrivated with everything and seems more tired. He flip-flops from seeming content to not be married for anothed four years, then back to can't wait to buy his own home and start a family. He seems clouded and doesn't focus as much anymore. Very irresponsible, especially with his job. After a year of dating Girl, Guy wants to marry Girl. He tells Friend B. However, it takes Guy nearly five months to actually propose. During the course of this time, Guy was faced with difficulty of finding new job and whether it meant moving out of state. Guy is asked by Friend B why he was so different for the past year. Guy responds that it was pressure with having to find new job. However, this "pressure" was never applied until over six months into his relationship with Girl, so it was a lie that he started treating Girl differently because of job.

 

Key Notes:

 

1) This was Guy's first long-term relationship in which he had interest in making future plans with Girl

2) Guy has never lived on his own before - first with parents, then college dorm, then with several male friends - has never kept his own home

3) Guy had many many plans for his future already, including a desire to not marry until he was 30 (he was 25 at this time)

4) Guy was one of the very last of his group of friends to marry - the year he proposed to girlfriend, good friend of his had first child

5) Guy is known to have communication issues - he avoids and escapes confrontations and anything that makes him nervous

 

Continued below . . .

[Relationship Coach]

Without making this about a specific gender, one person pretends to be something they are not in order to attract what they desire. As time passes after they are in the relationship, their real personality takes over. They are basically insecure about who they really are.

 

RC

[terk2021]

In response to some posts I've been annoyed with recently, I'd like to ask the more objective question: Why do men, when they meet a girl whom they are interested in, potentially for a long-term relationship or marriage, change their personality/behavior/attitude? And if they don't, what is that typically a sign of? Also, just personal opinion from males, is it often a good thing to change or do you look back and wonder why you shifted your life for someone else?

 

 

This of course depends on the guy. Most single successful men put their efforts into career and into themselves. A lot of men go out and when they meet somebody, something inside of them does change. That's not to say a man should do a 180, but I believe that when a man gets into a relationship, life now becomes about balance. It's not about giving up his identity, or losing focus on what made him successful in the 1st place. It's about sharing his life with someone. Many of the things that were important should still be important, but if he does not change at all, he is most likely not ready for a relationship.

 

 

Age and past experience has a lot to do with it to...

[KileOriginal]

In general, I observe guys becoming more mellow and less irritable when in a relationship, unless there is some unresolved struggle inside that relationship.

 

Why "guy" would be irritable towards Friend B who happens to be a girl may be because while girls live in an imaginary world where guys and girls can be just friends with their never being sexual tension, "guy" probably always had it in the back of his head to see Friend B in a quasi friend/potential partner role. And once "guy" had the position filled by a real woman, then he had to either cement Friend B in the non-potential partner role or he finally felt free to express covered up frustrations with Friend B because he was no longer concerned with preserving her possible role as a potential partner.

[Tj williams]

In a guys persepective, which is me, i see why some guys do what "relationship coach" said they would do. they are insecure. me personally i couldn't act like someone else to attract something i desire. i coulnd't live with myself. i mean i would want a girl who would love me for who i am and nothing more. i would'nt feel the true love without being myself.

but back to the topic relationship coach got the main idea on your example.

[MissDashwood]

Continuation . . .

 

Okay, Guy intends to marry after almost a year of knowing Girl. He proposes at least four to five months later. Friend B and Guy were friends, but there always seemed to be something bubbling beneath the surface. He is open with Friend B for a while and can talk to Friend B, but their is distance between them. He is not as friendly around her in the "intimate" way it was before he was dating Girl; it is now "just friends."

 

Guy moves away and so Friend B. They do not see each other for almost a year. Guy visits Friend B for special event in Friend B's life. Guy is highly excited to see Friend B and encourages continued contact and friendship. Guy then marries Girl shortly after, about two years after meeting Girl.

 

Wedding takes place. Guy does not respond to Friend B's writing for over a month and is suddenly extremely closed off; distant, does not talk about anything personal. Writing is infrequent. Guy seems to want to avoid Friend B in any and all ways that are personal, though Guy still insists on staying in contact.

 

Six months of marriage pass. Guy and Friend A have been friends for over 20 years. Friend B comes to learn that Friend A, who was Guy's Best Man at wedding, did not take pictures of wedding festivities. It is learned that Friend A, who is very fond of taking pictures, does not have many photos of Girl and has yet to show off any from wedding. Mutual friends wonder if this is a sign that Friend A does not like Girl very much.

 

In the meantime, Friend B talks to other mutual friend. Mutual Friend makes statements saying Guy was not ready to be married and is surprised Guy went through with it. Mutual Friend makes statements which suggest she does not think the marriage will last. She seems bitter as well about Guy. It seems she was not invited and has slight hostility towards Guy. She says the wedding announcement was never in the papers and she heard about it through Friend B and others.

 

Okay, so, this is the black and white example of a funny situation in which Guy has gotten married, has been noticed as acting VERY different and not for the better, and many people are said to not be happy with the change, and also more importantly, Guy has changed behavior with Friend B yet again. What goes on inside male minds? Why should Guy change how he acts around people? What would cause Guy to want to disregard an old friend and co-worker no less? Is it common for men to become unhappy with who they've become, and if they do, what do they do about it?

[annie24]

honey, I am a little worried about you. Now, I know that you asked for men's opinion about a general and broad topic, but I get the feeling that you are asking about this old friend of yours.... the one who got married and has since drifted away from you.

 

I think what happened was a schoolgirl crush, which is fine, I've had more than my share. But he is older than you, and was your teacher a while back, and his feelings of fondness towards you were probably more of the little sister variety rather than a crush. I don't think you should be overanalyzing his marriage anymore. Maybe it is time to let it go...

 

Why the best man didn't take photos? The day of the wedding is very busy and the best man had other responsbilities, I am sure. And if they hired a photographer, there is no need to do double duty. plus, what the best man thought of the wife (whether good nor bad) clearly didn't make any difference.

 

I think you should keep meeting guys at your university. You are bright, have a lot to offer, and there are plenty of guys in your dorms.

[annie24]

The 20s are a period of great change. In a few short years, you can really change your outlook on life and goals. I've seen people who swore they would never get married, meet someone fabulous, and they get married right away. People really change, so the changes you have seen in your friend may not be negative, but may have just been him growing up, becoming more responsible, and making his wife a priority in his life.

[annie24]

In general, I observe guys becoming more mellow and less irritable when in a relationship, unless there is some unresolved struggle inside that relationship.

 

Why "guy" would be irritable towards Friend B who happens to be a girl may be because while girls live in an imaginary world where guys and girls can be just friends with their never being sexual tension, "guy" probably always had it in the back of his head to see Friend B in a quasi friend/potential partner role. And once "guy" had the position filled by a real woman, then he had to either cement Friend B in the non-potential partner role or he finally felt free to express covered up frustrations with Friend B because he was no longer concerned with preserving her possible role as a potential partner.

 

I think there is a lot of truth in this post.

[MissDashwood]

Does it matter that I asked for male responses? Stop posting in my threads if you disagree with me! All I ever get are thirty-something women telling me the same thing. I wanted a male response for a change. What I got sufficiently answered me questions!

 

And as for the post which has a lot of truth to it, yeah, that's why I'm asking for male opinions. I don't know how the male mind works! I'm dealing with a 20 year old in my college who's taking up my curiosity time and wondering what his intentions are towards me. I'd like to know what males think and do and why! Do you have a problem with that???? As for the old friend, so what, I am only asking for male opinions on the matter, I'm not looking to run out and do something about it! I'm just curious.

 

I never heard it straight from him that he liked me. It was always implied and others told me they figured he liked me more than he should of. But I never heard it straight from him, and I suppose I don't have closure because of that. I think if he ever told me straight up that yes he was interested and shouldn't have been and he disregarded sometimes, then i think I'd be happier than wondering about what it really was.

[avman]

Do you have a problem with that????

 

Yes, I do. If you would like your post to remain I suggest you drop the attitude or I'll delete your thread and all of the responses in it.

[Batya33]

Since I'm 40 I assume I am not one of the 30-something women to which you were referring ;-). I agree with Annie24 and if she didn't add that your question - at least to me - is not gender-specific then I have that to add as well. I have seen happy marriages start out blah or troubled, unhappy marriages start out ecstatically, big weddings where the marriage ended in divorce, and the opposite. I have seen people drop friends, make new friends, change careers, change their hair color and grow hair all for a spouse or fiancee/fiance. Who knows why? More importantly - if you try to figure it out - you will go in circles and here is why. You are not in bed with them, do not wake up with them, shower with them and you are not there when they call their mommies and daddies or floss.

 

Sometimes there are black and white situations - the couple marry just because of a pregnancy, the writing is on the wall that the future husband has an alcohol addicition, there is actual physical or horribly verbal abuse. Or, the couple are just perfect - a miraculous couplng.

 

Those are rare. Everything else is shades of gray and you will find way more inner peace - and more energy to do what you are good at doing - if you stop overthinking and overanalyzing other peoples' relationships and reactions to those relationships.

 

If your former crush gets divorced, and then is single for at least a year after that - and if you are still available then sure you can think about pursuing him again. But even if he filed for divorce tomorrow, you would still have to wait over a year for him to be legally single for at least a year - so you wouldn't be rebound girl. so, for the time being shouldn't he be off your radar so, as annie24 recommended - you can focus on more productive things than trying to analyze irrelevancies that are un-analyzable?

[Hope75]

Stop posting in my threads if you disagree with me!

 

I'm confused why you are even asking for advice when all you are looking for is validation.

 

Have you given any thought to Annie's posts? They were quite thoughtful and logical, if you ask me, and not the least bit offensive.

 

My advice is to let it go- the guy married someone else. It's not worth your time to figure out why he is the way he is.

[arwen]

Does it matter that I asked for male responses? Stop posting in my threads if you disagree with me! All I ever get are thirty-something women telling me the same thing. I wanted a male response for a change. What I got sufficiently answered me questions!

 

On this forum, members are allowed to post on each topic. We are trying to help you, and your reference to 'thirty something women' is borderline offensive to those who invest time and energy in following your threads and trying to see what is the best way to help you.

 

If you only want posts that AGREE with what you want to hear, why post at all? The point of a forum is to get different views on the same matter.