should I send him a xmas card?

[turqoise]

I know it sounds a silly question, but I`d appreciate some opinions.

 

I had a very bad breakup with this guy, and have suffered depression as a result for about 8 months. It`s now much better, plus after reading this site I have refrained from contact with him for 3 months.

But it`s card time coming up and I`m a sentimental one - I still take the occasion to send them to friends I care about.

This guy, I still care about - I knew that when I first met him, he was more like a brother, and that I had an strong sisterly love towards him. our mistake was that we became lovers. Although we broke up badly, and I admit I still have traces of `we made such a good couple..`, I can handle not gettin back together with him - I just want to be in his life like a sister he can talk to.

I know he`s moved house, but don`t know anything else, though I suspect h may have found someone else to go out with. I would still like to send him a card cos I think it`s a nice thing to receive at this time of year, especially when you don`t have your family around, but I don`t want him to feel like I`m trying to get back with him, and I would be really hurt I felt reluctance on his part if I asked for his new address.

I`m torn whether to listen to this caring side, even just the fact that it`s a ritual of mine, or whether this is just remnants of a rejected ex feeling and could do me more damage i don`t need.

What should I do?

[robowarrior]

You'd be crazy for sending him a card, translated in emotions it means 'i want to rip open old wounds again'

 

Look, life can't always go your way. Its sometimes better to accept that then keep on beating a dead horse. This relationship is dead ,over and ended. Accept it. Let it go, move on.

[nomoretears4uboo]

I say don't do it. I felt like that towards my ex. Wanting to get back with him and all that stuff. I thought we were gonna be friends. But, we ended up not talking for 8 months. Then we slowly became friends. Which was what I wanted all long. Because, before anything we were friends. So I say, just dont do it. Because, what if you send one and you dont get one back? What if he sends it back? Just dont put, yourself there again you've gone 3 months no with no contact make a couple more.

[annie24]

I vote no.

[CarnelianButterfly]

No, you're not together, you don't even have a current address. Just forget him, move on.

[rose2summer]

No need to be nice here, it's just going to cause more heart-ache.

 

In order to heal, you need to work on YOU, don't be concerned about showing kindness and compassion towards him, you owe him absolutely nothing.

[turqoise]

Thank you guys, for the straight up replies, esp robowarriors.

That really was like a jolt of thunder.

I think that`s what I needed. Right, OK, I`m continuing NC.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Before you post this thread, I was also thinking about sending him a christmas card.

 

What if after 2 years, you still want to get in touch with your ex, would you send him a christmas card?

[Budman]

No, No no no no no no no no no no no no

 

Why, because after you send it you'll think "I wonder if he writes back, or calls"

 

Thats a pain that you never want to endure...ever...

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Ok, I get your point. Thanks.

[turqoise]

don`t know if anyone is still reading, but I have another question...

 

I also have an ex boyfriend who seems keen to stay in touch with me, and was thinking about sending him a card. I was the one that broke it off with him two years ago, and I think he still loves me. We have written the occasional email, and I have told him clearly that he is only a friend to me. He`s written me an email recently asking for my new number. I don`t want to hurt him - should I write and explain or just not write back, maybe I shouldn`t send him a card after all...

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

You know what, I also have the "what if I send him one, and he reply me?"

If he does not reply, then I will put a rest on this intention to contact him.

 

May be I should or may be I should not contact him. I don't even have his latest address. Just email address which I don't know whether it is still valid or not. Think think........

[rmpavlock]

Do not send a card. There is no need to. turqoise, I broke up with my ex too and he had a hard time letting go. Trust me, it will only open the floodgates. Any communication I had with my ex only ended up making him angry or sad(or making me angry or sad). It's best to just leave it alone. He needs to realize it's over and sending a card isn't going to help that. It will be the first Christmas after the break up with my ex and I am not planning on sending a card.

[turqoise]

ok. thanks.

[Mr. Stealth]

Turqoise, wether you want to send him something or not.

It's all up to you.

People are saying not to contact him again.

But as you should know.

You are the person who knew you BF best of all so think about it and then make a decision.

if you send him a card or something then also make things clear to him.

and dont expect to mutch from his reaction.

maybe he will send back, maybe not.

But if you never try you will never know or hear anything about him anymore i think.

im in the same situation the only difference is that im the dumped one.

take care girl

[juddy]

I say send it, whats wrong with being human? I still talk to my ex after 2 years from time to time, shes moved on happy, still cares about me and me her but thats it nothing else.

[Juliana]

Yeah, but that's the thing; if there are no strong emotions involved anymore, it's fine to send casual greetings, because they have no "hidden investment" -- they are exactly what they appear to be. Ironically, in that case, we rarely care whether we send a card or not. If you're thinking about it enough to post on an internet forum, there's still too much emotion -- don't send it.

[Biffy]

^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

Spot on.

 

I'm in a similar position - it's my birthday on Wednesday and although I have made it very clear to my ex to only contact me if she wants to reconcile I think she will contact me to send me birthday wishes...

 

If she does, do I respond, you know just a quick "thanks" or ignore??

[Juliana]

When someone you're not interested in keeps contacting you, contact them to the level and in the way that you are comfortable with. When someone knows that you do not have a romantic interest in them, it's easy for them to slide from hopefulness into manipulation, trying to elicit a response from you when they know that you do not want to make any such response. On the other hand, they may be mature enough to understand that although their feelings are not reciprocated, there is no reason for them to totally cut off contact with you, and they may look ahead to a time when they can find comfort in a friendship -- a mature coping device known as aim inhibition. The question is, which sort of person are you dealing with, the one who can maturely handle disappointment and seek an alternative relationship with you, or the one who hopes to gradually worm their way into your life? It's best to assess this by looking at their actions and their past behaviour with you. Have they respected your feelings in the past? Do they like you as a person, or only if you fulfill a certain role in their lives? Do you feel pressured or manipulated, or are they just being supportive and friendly?

 

Their feelings are their own business; we can only respond to actions. Treat people with respect, and demand the same for yourself.

[krnswte143]

How about sending an email to wish a merry christmas to your ex? no present..no cards...just a plain email.......is that ok?

[scsavino]

How about a big glass of no.

[Juliana]

It's not about what you do, it's about why you do it.

[krnswte143]

Oh i see.. right now im having hard time not contacting my ex... i know i should stop....but things happen and i end up talkin to him......i was planning on sendin him an email jus to wish him a merry christmas nxt month....jus to be friendly....but if u guys say its not ok.....then i gues i shuoldnt...

[turqoise]

Considering Julianas advice, yeah I don`t think I`m ready to make contact with either guy. With the guy that dumped me, I`d be anticipating his reply which probably means that I`m not over him enough. With the guy that I dumped, he would reply, and I would feel a weird kind of pressure cos I know he still likes me a lot. So basically, when I look at my feelings, I have too much emotion left to react in both cases at this point. I really want to contact both of them one day in the future and become good friends, but I think that`s going to be a little while yet.

Thanks - your post has helped me understand how to assess how to act and when! I`ll use it as an indicator-tool from now on!