Finally blocked his emails

[cherries]

After a month of almost-daily email contact I have put him on my 'delete' list.

 

Every day I have been re-opening my wounds until today I felt I was on my way to a nervous breakdown. I had a sleepless night over him and woke up to nice emails from him that soon turned nasty.

 

Hopefully this is the end.

 

I did tell him I was blocking him - I don't know why - I guess it is better that he knows I am trying to move on, rather than thinking I am just being rude.

 

 

 

I remember during my last break-up, this passage really helped me.

 

link removed

 

Specifically this:

 

"Uncertainty, on the other hand, is the fertile ground of pure

creativity and freedom. Uncertainty means stepping into the

unknown in every moment of our existence. The unknown is the

field of all possibilities, ever fresh, ever new, always open to

the creation of new manifestations. Without uncertainty and the

unknown, life is just the stale repetition of outworn memories.

You become the victim of the past, and your tormentor today is

your self left over from yesterday.

 

Relinquish your attachment to the known, step into the unknown,

and you will step into the field of all possibilities. In your

willingness to step into the unknown, you will have the wisdom of

uncertainty factored in. This means that in every moment of your

life, you will have excitement, adventure, mystery. You will

experience the fun of life the magic, the celebration, the

exhilaration, and the exultation of your own spirit."

 

Check out the three points at the bottom: applying the law of detachment.

 

I am pretty sure this is what dragged me up from the depths last time.

[annie24]

hey - i am glad you decided to block the e-mails. you are well on your way to healing!

[cherries]

I really hope so.

 

After a month I have come to the conclusion that I am no better off than I was on day two. If anything, things are worse.

 

We see each other a lot, and I have been trying to smooth things over by being nice and friendly etc, to make it easier for mutual friends and for him. But i think I have come to the realisation that I can't continue to carry this burden.

[laboheme]

That's right, you shouldn't have to continue putting up a front just to make it easier for him. This is time for YOU...let him deal with his situation on his own. As far as mutual friends, if they truly are friends, they'll understand that you're going through a difficult time and will respect your wishes to keep your distance from the ex when you're hanging out with them. Challenging experiences like this really show people's true colors...

 

*hugs*

[cherries]

Thank you for the reassurance. I can't describe how awful it is to let down all your barriers for the first time, to someone you thought would never exploit that, then get dumped on your * * * *, THEN have to see him and hear from him almost every day.

 

We have so many mutual friends and interests that I really put myself out for a month trying to be cool about it, but for the past two days I have felt like I am totally losing control and perspective.

 

So, I feel as though I have taken a little control back by blocking his emails, at least there will be no surprises. I am gonna go to the same place as him tonight, but am fully aware I may need to leave early. I figure I should try to show a brave face despite feeling so depressed.

[bestfishinthepond]

Wahooo! I knew you could do it...delete his emails! We are all proud of you. It is a HUGE step forward \\

[cherries]

i hope so. i am crying again today and i can't stop thinking about him seeing someone else - the shock and pain i will feel when i see him with another girl will destroy me, and the idea fills me with agony and despair. i don't know how to get over that thought, or re-train myself to not care. i have no proof that he is seeing anyone, but i have seen this one girl chatting with him and they have been leaving each other flirty myspace comments. i have now blocked myspace on my computer, so i can't visit it, because it's too tempting to try work out if i am right.

[tara3720]

Good for you. You did the right thing.

 

I'm going through the same thing, and as you know, contact only reopens the wounds, (and pours salt in them!) when you have constant, or any contact for that matter.

 

I was on a month of NC, and my ex contacted me yesterday. the contact REALLY hurt. when you don't talk/email/text him for a while, the pain gets less and less each day. I promise it does.

 

You will make this, I promise you! Hang in there, because the rewards are great when you do. This will all seem right in the long run.

[cherries]

thank you tara.

 

i have re-read my posts and my agony's pretty evident in all of them, isn't it?

 

i am in the process of typing a one-page letter to him (large font - ha ha), explaining my hurt but in a way that gives me control again. i don't think i will send the letter now - maybe not at all - but it will help me to get my head straight.

 

i think NC is the only way i am gonna shake off the fear of seeing him with someone else. if i can cope on my own for a while, then i am probably more likely to be sensible and objective about it when it happens.

 

and of course, the last thing to do with an ex is to immediately try to befriend them anyway

[bestfishinthepond]

Go to family, Get out with a girlfriend today (invite yourself over, if you have to...) she will understand completely and would probably welcome your presense or, treat yourself to a very nice dinner and a movie. The new James Bond is really good. Anyway, stay away from the computer until this evening and post ENA.

 

Day-by-Day... All-alone, day-by-day. You will see each day with one less tear. You'll be in a blue haze for a while but keep yourself busy, do not respond to ANY of his emails or contacts...find places where you know he will not be, and keep faith-in-yourself...every moment of doing something else is a moment of time for you and your healing process.

 

Unintentionally, I went through this no sleep/no eat period...my body was shutting down. I forced myself to drink broth and other protiens so I wouldn't exhaust myself and get sick. The moment we broke up, I called a girlfriend and we began walking in the mornings. My month from when I last saw him was yesterday; I'm 11 lbs lighter, eating sushi again, and feeling really good about myself. I see potential on the horizon (maybe not dating again for a while) but I see a new focus on where I am and what I want to be doing/going in the next few months. Yes, I have good days and bad days...but my good days are getting far more plentiful than my bad days. It will be the same for you too. Accept and embrace that you are going through the healing process: 1) lonliness/grief/ bereivement 2) Anger/remorse 3) Acceptance/ Personal Growth 4) Reception and New Acqaintences. The healing process is a beautiful time because it is all centered around Time...a time for you. We are here for you, all 43,000 friends on ENA.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i followed your other threads and it really sounds to me like your ex-boyfriend is a control freak and is still messing with your emotions by keeping up the emailing etc. he also sounds verbally abusive, i.e., insisting on criticizing your every move when you don't behave the way he wants and do everything he wants like his puppet.

 

for guys like this, the only approach is to just stop playing the game... so i am glad to hear you are blocking his emails. i think one of the reasons you are feeling so badly is that he is treating you badly. so the cure for that is to stop talking to him and exchanging any kind of information or dialogue with him.

 

the thing about contact after a breakup is the you think you are getting what you need or feel compelled to do, but all you are really getting is the bad parts of that former relationship (fighting, criticism, pain), with absolute none of the good parts of that relationship (love, caring, companionship).

 

it is very much like continuing to return to a dry well when you are thirsty, and each time reexperiencing the recognition that the well is dry and you are REALLY thirsty.

 

so the only answer there is to stop doing something that is not only non-productive, but very painful to you, as well as finding new sources to fill your needs for love and companionship.

 

you say you 'must' see him several times a week due to mutual interests, but i think for you own best interest, you might very actively avoid any situation that puts you two together. you don't HAVE to go to parties or clubs or dinners or activities where you know he will be. instead, spend time with one or two close friends, and ask them to go to other places with you, or stay home and study and work on yourself doing things to fill your time.

 

so keep blocking his calls and email, and give yourself a chance to heal for a few months before you start going places where you know he might be. you have to think of it like a broken bone that is healing. if you break you leg, you don't try to go out ice skating every Friday just because that is what you did before. you let the bone heal, then you can return to normal activities for yourself. the same can be said about going where he is... it is just not good for you, you get too upset, so find some new activities to do until you feel stronger.

[cherries]

bestrongbehappy,

 

that is a really helpful post. thank you. i am touched that you have followed my previous posts about this.

 

i don't know if my ex is a control freak, but he is certainly not emotionally involved. he said he wanted to split up with his previous girlfriend several months before he did (i should add he is 30 and has not been dumped, ever). i think he loses his emotional attachment well before he actually 'does the deed' so it is easy for him.

 

as such, he thinks i am being slightly hysterical. but this week i have been seriously depressed. i can only think that seeing him is the problem.

 

i often realise in the middle of a social event that i am alone. i have nobody to talk to or hold my hand any more. i miss that companionship so much.

 

we all contact our exes thinking - "surely he still cares? surely he will behave in a responsible way? feelings can't just disappear, so i know he will be concerned!". the harsh truth is that, as much as he told me he would love me forever, it has all disappeared. he doesn't care, and i can't continue to expect him to care.

 

as for actively avoiding him, yes, i am fairly sure he will start seeing another girl very quickly! i am trying to behave as though he already is. it is probably better to feel that grief now and deal with it.

 

i really wanted to continue to be involved in the social/work circles we share, but i think i will have to step down for a while. my close friend said he is really worried i would run back to him in a second. as long as i feel that way, and as long as my friends can see that, i think i should stay well away, as much as i really really want to see him.