passionless relationship

[Thulsadoom]

Hi all! I'm new here, but obviously like everyone else, I'm here because of some relationship problems, so I'll get right to it... It's a long one, so I hope you don't mind reading... ;-)

 

I've been in a relationship for 3 years now. We're engaged, and living together. I'm 30, she's 35. The problem is, that I just feel we're going through the motions now.

 

I've never been one to sleep around, and she's the only woman I've ever been with (Though my ex and I came very close). When we first met, we got on incredibly, same interests, opinions, etc. However, when it came to the physical side of the relationship, I should've seen the problems earlier. She doesn't like to french kiss, and we've never kissed for any length of time, she always turns it into a hug. When she does kiss, it's more like a peck, a quick closed mouth kiss. The only time she ever kisses more passionately is mid-way through sex, and it's still not full-on, needing-each-other, passionate kissing. Originally, I put this down to 'everybody's different' and tried not to worry about it.

 

Then there's the sex. At first, (but litterally only at first) it was regular. We were in a long distance relationship, and tended to see each other every other weekend. It very rapidly went down to perhaps once on weekends we saw each other, and then it even got to the point where she was often too tired, etc. Again, I gave it the benefit of the doubt. We often had to travel a fair distance to see each other. (For me, it just had the effect of making me anticipate and want things more, after the gap)

 

Eventually we moved in together, and I thought things would improve, now that we were together all the time, and not travelling. Instead they just deteriorated fast. At first we would have sex maybe twice a week at most, then it went to once a month and I thought things were bad then. Now we've had sex once, in the past 8 or 9 months. I was always the one who had to innitiate it, and 99.9% of the time get told she was too tired/too busy/too late at night/etc. I started to give up trying, feeling like I wasn't wanted. Also, other people have said that perhaps if you stop trying too hard, then your partner will feel less pressured and innitiate things when they want. Instead, as I've said, it basically just tapered off practically all together, and I've lost all enthusiasm.

 

As for the sex itself, even when it was reasonably regular, she has never seemed to like touching me below the waist (Let alone anything else), as if its messy and icky. (You can imagine that does wonders for my confidence) Even though I love going down on her, etc.

 

When I bring the subject up, she always states things like "well, we're both working, tired, etc", as if that's a perfectly reasonable excuse, and it gets dismissed.

 

Now here's the big problem. We still get on otherwise, but I feel like we're almost just passing time. I feel like we may as well just be friends sharing a house. But all the signals I'm getting from her, seem like she's totally happy and content, and still in love. So what do I do? If we break up, I think it'll break her heart, as it's also her first major relationship (Although I wasn't the first guy she'd ever been with). I feel genuinely horrible and evil now, because I find myself fantasizing about the day I'm single again, and can find someone else to be happy with, rather than wanting to fix the problem.

 

Thanks for any advice you all have! I need it!

[DN]

This will not get better if you marry her - it will almost certainly get worse. I think you should tell her that unless she is prepared to get counselling so that you can both enjoy a proper and normal sex life that you are going to leave her. Say it and mean it because if you don't you will be setting yourself up for years of frustrated unhappiness.

[4ever]

i just want to say im sorry...

i cant understand people like that.. surely theres something about sex drive or other mental problems but i cant understand how can you not want to make love to someone you love. i am a female and want to make love to my partner as many times as we can and try different things and stuff.

you say you are afraid of breaking her heart, but she has already broken yours.

[bulletproof]

From what I've seen of other people's relationships, and from my own experiences, I feel that there are a couple of different ways this could go.

 

You could stop bringing it up verbally and just try initiating sexual contact with her. Sometimes when something gets spoken about all the time it starts to get weighted down with overanalysis.

 

You could back off for a while and let her come to you.

 

You could end the relationship, but make sure that you tell her why and at least give her a chance to try and work on the problem.

 

With all of those choices, this doesn't necessarily have to come down to heartbreak no matter what. But, I think that maybe the marriage part should be put on hold indefinitely. There's no reason to move forward at this stage. You and your girlfriend both deserve a passionate relationship. At least try to make it happen, and if not, move on. People are pretty complicated, and she might have something in her past that holds her back sexually. It may have nothing to do with you personally.

[quietgrl]

Either put the energy to save the relationship(see relationship and sex couselor) or leave the relationship.?

[surreal123]

I've been in such a situation and broke it off. After all the heart ackes and pains were over I still today feel I made the right choice and can remember my frustration, guilt and all the unpleasantness this caused me.

 

With my present girlfriend (we are engaged) I made it clear that 'no sex' for long periouds of time would frustrate me to climb walls and may result in a deal breaker. This sounds cruel but I think you have to be 100% honest what you expect of a relationship with your partner. You have to communicate your needs. (Especially for men in long term relationships) - (She understood and replied that I'm only human)

[Thulsadoom]

Thanks everyone for the advice. At least I know from what you've said, I'm not just being shallow and selfish. The problem isn't just me expecting too much. I kinda knew that, but knowing and feeling something are two different things.

 

With what 4ever said, I feel that's the way she should be as well, not just me. Admittedly, she may have problems, and I won't just suddenly come out of the blue and end things, but I do think it's all on a downward slope that could be very difficult to recover from.

 

 

You could stop bringing it up verbally and just try initiating sexual contact with her. Sometimes when something gets spoken about all the time it starts to get weighted down with overanalysis.

 

You could back off for a while and let her come to you.

 

You could end the relationship, but make sure that you tell her why and at least give her a chance to try and work on the problem.

 

Thanks for the advice there. Unfortunately I've tried all those. 1- I never just tried bringing it up verbally, 2-I've backed off for nearly a year now with no luck, and 3-I agree, I need to give her a chance to work on the problem.

 

Normally, whenever I've tried bringing up the matter, I've not been too forcefull, and let her dismiss it (It's difficult enough bringing it up in the first place!). I think finally I'll have to sit her down and make her listen. I'll wait till after Christmas, as I think it would be cruel to start anything that could have such results right now, but it needs to be done.

 

I think surreal may be right though. I don't know if I can take being in a relationship long-term, without that feeling of mutual passion. I know there's more to a relationship than sex, that's the way I was brought up, but I now know that it IS at least a major important factor, as important as the others. Not just a 'fringe benefit' of a loving relationship. I can tell already that it's had an effect on my confidence, since no matter the reasons behind it, it makes me feel undesirable, as if there's something wrong with me, and that's why she's not interested.

[4ever]

Nothing is wrong with you, something is wrong with her!

Do you have any idea if she maybe was sexually abused or something?

I guess you can tell her, like someone adviced, what you want before breaking up to give her a chance to improve, but i dont see any improving coming, i mean if she truly loves you she might just do it for you (have sex), lay down more often, but the passion is not going to come out of nowhere, so there will still be no passion from her unless she changes mentally somehow.

They say in their 30s women reach the high point in sex or something, well become more active than ever, so since its not happening you can imagine its just going to be worse down the road.

Im sorry that sux, i can imagine how hurtful it is for you.

[Thulsadoom]

I know what you mean. Thanks. That is one of my fears. I can see her saying and doing things to keep us together, but it remaining utterly passionless. The last time we had sex (And I say sex, not made love) ironically she initiated it (It was last month, and as stated earlier, the first in about 8 or 9 months.) but it was the usual case of me practically doing everything while she lay there. Not to mention, that after that, it's almost like she's happy for a while again, and sex is forgotten again for however long till, the urge comes to her again! I want a partner in my sex life, as well as everything else. Someone who wants me as much as I want them, and I just don't get that. I don't think I ever did get that from her before, to be honest, but when you start, and later carry on a relationship, I think you're blind initially to a lot of those problems.

 

I don't think she's been abused. I couldn't swear to it, but I don't think it's likely. She does come from a broken family, but there's no hint of anything even remotely like that. She was actually brought up by her dad, and they get on extremely well, and have a good relationship.

[RayKay]

I definitely don't think wanting it more than once in the last 8 or 9 months makes you selfish! Yikes! And I certainly don't think you are unrealistic, I expect you are not even asking for it EVERYDAY, but just a regular, healthy sex life?

 

It all comes down to what your expectations and needs in a relationship are. For me, being sexually compatible and having an intimate partner is part of the whole package. Sure, there are times in illness and so on, out of necessity you may not be able too, but I also believe when you are with someone, that nourishing your sexual relationship is just as important. The main reason is because as you are seeing when you start having problmes, it really becomes a BIG problem overall. When the sex life is great, sex is only 5% of a healthy relationship, when it's bad...suddenly it becomes 95%!

 

 

And yes, the repercussions on confidence and even the strength of the relationship are huge.

 

She may also just be asexual, which does have dire meanings. Or it could be abuse. But the bottom line is that you both have to be working towards figuring it out. You absolutely must talk to her about it, and let her know you are not happy about it and that you want to work together on it. I recommend she see her doctor to rule out hormonal imbalances first, then I recommend counselling for you two, and maybe some separate sessions as well.

 

I suspect if she is NOT asexual, that it may also be due to emotional issues or feelings towards you or herself which can be a long road.

 

Ultimately, the decision is up to you what course you want to take, but personally if she does not seem to be willing to work on it, I would seriously be considering leaving.

 

If she is truly committed to you, and your relationship, she will be willing to work on it and not be passive aggressive about it again, but I think you really have to let her know that this is serious, your are unhappy and so on if she seems to be a bit passive aggressive about doing anything about it.

 

I would NOT get married until this was resolved, as marriage will not "fix" anything.

[MyNinja]

Based on how you described her, it soinds like she's having some issues with herself that she's not expressing with you. Something is troubling her greatly to the point that she just can't come to you and tell her what's on her mind. Saying things like, " We're both working" or " it's too late" is selfish and disrespectful to your feelings. It seems she's shutting you out and you don't understand why. I think you both should sit down and really have a deep, serious talk about the circumstances and don't accept those cheap excuses becuse it really seems that something is bothering her whether shes's aware of it or not.

 

Good luck and God bless