Online dating

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Anyway, the problem with internet dating sites is that the men out number the women by quite a bit, and also women tend to get a lot of messages everyday, whereas the men get none or very few. In other words, it has the exact same problems as non-internet dating.

 

Yeah, but actually I think more of the problem lies in that a lot of the guys there are not actually looking for a relationship, whereas I'd say most of the women are.

 

You know how guys used to pay .99 a minute to talk to a woman while they jerked off? Same thing, only now its FREE!... just push the Instant Message button.

[blemished]

This thread has been kind of funny. Yes, Teddy, I have had the guys overreacting about a joke or comment, too! It makes me wonder what kind of girl these guys look for, one with no opinions, and who will laugh at their jokes but offer none of her own? Is it an ego thing?

 

As far as this goes:

Anyway, the problem with internet dating sites is that the men out number the women by quite a bit, and also women tend to get a lot of messages everyday, whereas the men get none or very few. In other words, it has the exact same problems as non-internet dating.

 

So, wait, more men are looking for dates than women? Given the almost equal male/female population, why is this so? (Or is it?)

For the record, quantity does not equal quality. On 3 months of Match usage, I have talked to many, many guys but only met 4. And guess what? I am still looking to meet someone else.

[Cardinal]

Yeah that's true, I've had guys overreact to very innocent and simple little jokes I've made to try to lighten things up (nothing sexual or risky or off-color in any way!). But, I figure if they're that uptight, and cant understand a joke and write me off that quick, then they really don't deserve me anyway. No big loss.

 

I find that the early stages of dating are always the touchiest. It can be a challenge, but I think it is important to give someone you just met the benefit of the doubt at least initially. It is very easy to get put-off by something someone says or how they act around you. But I try not to let those things get in the way of getting to know the other person.

 

I am amazed at some people who judge very quickly. Either they judge a person by a quip they make, try to judge chemistry immediately, or they profess to be able to judge them after only knowing them for 15-20 minutes on a date. Perhaps some people are omnicient, but I certainly am not and I know from experience it takes quite a long time to get to know a woman. And very few of my friends could say they got to know what I am truly made of in any short order.

 

Before things get serious it is easy to just throw in the towel and make some little comment a deal breaker. Very little is lost. Only the potential for something further is gone. And for whatever reason many people place very little value on that potential. Maybe because there appears to be many choices. Who knows? It woudl be interesting to live in a world for a few years with less access to information and fewer relationship choices. I bet people who did connect would work far harder to make things last. After a quick date, there is no major emotional trama, and people just walk away too easily. I think that is part of the reason so few people find success. They don't put in the commitment from the beginning to make it work for them. They somehow think there are different rules that govern a new relationship. Taking offence to little jokes that mean nothing is just a good example of that.

[Cardinal]

Blemished,

 

Quick question about your quote below. You mention that you have talked to many men but only met 4. Assuming you read their profile ahead of time and everything checks out (no deal breakers and these men are men you are genuinely interested in for a potential romantic relationship and are strongly physically attracted to), why have actually met so few? Did the men do something wrong when talking to you? Did you find out a dealbreaker after the fact and just decided you didn't want to meet? I am just curious!

 

So, wait, more men are looking for dates than women? Given the almost equal male/female population, why is this so? (Or is it?)

For the record, quantity does not equal quality. On 3 months of Match usage, I have talked to many, many guys but only met 4. And guess what? I am still looking to meet someone else.

 

Hehe, I think there are actually more females than males in the world!

 

I have the same basic question...On the pure scamming porn dating websites, I think the ratio of males to females is crazy high. Adultfriendfinder and the like are setup to be like that and are bad examples. But what about on legitimate dating sites like link removed? I'd like to look for some specific male/female figures. I tend to think the ratio wouldn't be so bad!

 

Perhaps the frequency of male to female emails makes it seem like the ratio is insanely out of whack. It seems like to me that very few women are willing to send out emails on their own. Perhaps for fear of rejection? I have definitely received emails but like others mentioned they are somewhat infrequent compared to the many emails each female seems to get per day. It really would make things far easier if women took the initiative. The wouldn't have to search through 100 emails and then come up empty handed. They could contact whoever they want. But then again, I could say the same thing in real life, but that sure won't make it a reality! It just isnt' how society functions these days.

[Batya33]

I try to give the benefit of the doubt and also know that certain things that are said or done are dealbreakers because it shows me that they have values that are incompatible with mine. That includes cursing on the first conversation, mentioning an oral sex scene he liked on a TV show, telling me in response to "how are you today" "i work with really dumb people" -- and this on a first meeting, first words he said.

 

I've also had to hear ad nauseum about someone's body fat percentage, that he lives with his mother in a small apartment, that a large part of his job is scamming poor people, etc. Then there was the guy who told me on a second date that that day he had almost beaten the crap out of some guy on a bus for making a comment about his eating a sandwhich. Not sure why he felt so proud of his reaction or wanted to share the story.

 

Or the number of men who made graphic comments about other women while on the date. Unacceptable to me in a relationship.

 

So know I cannot get to know all about a person in fifteen minutes but I don't need to know all about a person to know if they are right for me to continue dating.

 

I had a first meeting with a guy a few years ago. We spent about an hour together and I could tell there was this vibe of anger or hostility beneath the very polite surface. It made me uncomfortable. When we e-mailed after the date, he asked me out again and I was honest with him about this vibe. He disagreed but politely said it was ok if I didn't want to see him again.

 

8 weeks later, after no contact he e-mails to tell me I was absolutely right, that he was feeling very angry because he was miserable at his job and had since left his job.

[Cardinal]

Batya,

 

That is kind of funny. Your last post reads like a list of bad date jokes. The kind you see portrayed on sitcoms frequently. Many of the things you mentioned could be safely lumped under the category of social ineptitude. I think I would call it quits in many of the situations you mentioned, especially in the ones where it was obvious the person had bad underlying personality problems. But those were pretty egregious example by and large. And I am sure the rest of the date wasn't all rosy. So I can certainly see where overall first impressions matter.

 

I have heard other women tell similar stories. It must be tough for guys to just come accross as normal, considerate, educated guys on dates. That has to impact how you feel about future dates. You have to be thinking "oh my, I hope he doesn't drop his pants in the middle of the meal and jump up on the table like the last guy did". I think if that sort of thing happened to me I'd get pretty jaded with online dating fast.

[pedroisgod45]

That's crazy sounding! How do these guys even get you interested in the first place? I'm just starting up on these types of sites... I can't find anyone to give me a chance yet. The fact that guys like these are getting dates on there makes me feel awesome about myself, obviously .

[Cardinal]

Getting dates online can be easy, even as a guy. That may be part of the problem and part of the reason for such crazy dating experiences. The profile is like a resume. It needs to be in the right format, correct content, excellent pictures and enough of them to show you are not hiding anything....then as a guy, a fair amount is a numbers game. You have do your research and email quite a few women to get responses. Short quick emails that mention something about their profile and maybe a quick reason why you want to get to know them better.

 

Then as many have stated here just a few quick emails, make sure they know you want to meet, get the phone number and set up the date. If they aren't interested move on.

 

It definitely depends what site you go to also. I suggest trying okcupid and plentyoffish first just to get your feet wet. Plentyoffish actually has a forum I think where there are profile reviewers for free! Then consider getting on link removed. It is huge and they have regular and reverse matching to work with which is cool!

 

Some people have more success with lavalife or even craigslist...It also helps to be near a large market. A big city with suburbs etc means more women to go around online and less distance to travel to meet them.

[Batya33]

In response to the questions about how did I even go on a first date with the men who were in my "bad date stories" - it is simple. It is because typing and talking tell you next to nothing about a person's presense, his manner, his energy, his vibe - and yes, his "karma." So much can be hidden or finessed on email or on the phone. A man who can't look you in the eye or who always slouches can sound like the most confident guy on the phone - because he probably is a good phone person. How would I know that a person who was boisterous on the phone would lean accross the small cafe table and take up half my space? Or that Mr. Gregarious would be Mr. Mute on the date?

 

Here is another reason, I think. In some cases - not many, but some - the man simply was not physically attracted to me in person and thereforeeee he didn't think he needed to be sociable or friendly (which isn't right but it happens). I did "poll" most of the men I met and asked if my photos were accurate. The typical answer was "yes" followed by "yes but you look better in person." So I do not think it was that. Perhaps some of the men who lied about their looks (i.e. they were 6 inches shorter than they said they were, the photo was 50 pounds ago and with hair, etc) felt self conscious in person as to whether I would point that out on the date (no! I never did - that is rude).

 

No, I did not get jaded. I knew in advance the date could last as short a time as 20 minutes if I wanted, the way I usually planned things (coffee) and so, big deal, what's 20 minutes, 45 minutes, an hour?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

For the record, quantity does not equal quality. On 3 months of Match usage, I have talked to many, many guys but only met 4. And guess what? I am still looking to meet someone else.

 

Gees I hear that. Not a lot of quality out there. Not a lot of even bottom line acceptable, sadly. So yes quantity does not equal quality.

 

or they profess to be able to judge them after only knowing them for 15-20 minutes on a date.

 

I'd not profess to 'Judge' someoneone in their entirety after 15 minutes, but anyone who claims they can say they've never met someone and known within 15 minutes that there was absolutely no chance of a relationship with that person, is either a liar, or has very little going for them.

 

Batya,

 

It must be tough for guys to just come accross as normal, considerate, educated guys on dates.

 

It must be, as I've also had many, many similar experiences.

 

But you know I have to say, One doesn't need any formal education at all to simply be polite, have a little common courtesy and decency, and understand basic human etiquette.

 

That's crazy sounding! How do these guys even get you interested in the first place? I'm just starting up on these types of sites... I can't find anyone to give me a chance yet. The fact that guys like these are getting dates on there makes me feel awesome about myself, obviously .

 

Well its probably just because it's hard to read a person from just typing, and really I don't recommend it anyway.

 

Truly I think a lot of guys go on there and kid themselves into thinking "Gee, look at all these girls, and they're even talking to me! I can say or act anyway I want!". But maybe that's a good thing, if they show undesireable side early on we need to know about it!

[steadyhand]

I'm starting to get more into online dating and am already starting to see that I will probably communicate with a lot more people than I actually meet. I keep getting turned off by profiles and emails with obvious spelling and grammatical errors, which I find really weird... don't you want to try to make the best impression you can?

 

Also, when reading profiles I am often thinking that there is either not enough information or too much information in that I instantly know too much about the person, I am intimidated by them or they seem arrogant.

[Buttermaker]

I have been dating online for 6 years! I even met my exwife online back in 2000. After 6 years, you can tell that I haven't been very successful with it, but I have heard some great stories. One thing I have learned is that long distance relationships rarely work. Not unless one of the two people is willing to move if it gets serious. I moved accross the country back in 2000, bought a house and then got married to her after a year and a half. I seriously regret it. I never did adapt to a new area and then she cheated. After that, I tried dating women 5 or 8 hours away and its too hard. Never again. Just be careful not to get too serious with someone too quickly. That has always been my flaw and it NEVER works.

[afonselaca]

I'm on the fence when it comes to meeting men online. I met one guy from link removed and corresponded with a few other men. One guy was professing his undying love after about 3-4 email messages and that was a bit overwhelming for me. I had to "see ya later" him. So beyond the profile those email communications really play a part.

[galaxy71]

It is extremely difficult to convey your personality through emails. That's why this website has to use emoticons for the posts.

 

Sure, online personals are great for women because there are a lot more men than women on these websites. Since women get bombarded by a lot of messages, it is easy and convenient for the women to start screening guy's profiles based on just looks. A women can also easily reject a guy by just ignoring his email.

 

In real life, a guy can attract a girl based on the total package of looks, personality, and social skills. Most of real life communication is based on nonverbals. A guy can persuade a girl to give him a chance based on his confidence and personality. Over the internet, it is near impossible to flirt since you can't use your body language and the tonality of your voice to flirt. The internet is such a sterile place to meet people. All of the fun and playfullness of real life social interaction is gone on these online sites.

 

Now, it's time for me to vent. Why do you girls reject guys by ignoring their emails? That is so rude. Don't you have the decency to reject a guy with at least a canned response like "Sorry, but you are not my type". A lot of guys spent a lot of time thinking of saying something funny or interesting in order to get the girl to respond to his email. Yet women can't respond to his efforts with a simple "No, thanks".

[silentalways]

that's part and parcel of the online dating world. its totally different. its a weird medium to communicate in and people treat it like one stop shopping. if u are gonna get 'into that' u have to be prepared for that. i am back dating - online and off as i think its better to have that mix. in fact, i have a date this weekend. the key is know why u are online and what you are looking for and don't 'use' it as if you were window shopping.

 

for a nickel i will

[formerly my 2 cents]

[lvlyldy]

Hey Everyone,

 

I guess I've been a little luckier with my experience with online dating. I started an account about a month ago, and right as my subscription was ending I got an email that intrigued me. This past Sunday I met up with him for coffee for the first time. We ended up clicking really well and ending up spending 5 hours that night. We have talked everyday online since (maybe not more than an hour) and have plans for seeing eachother this weekend. Sometimes I wonder if we talk too much and could be actually making him less interested in me by talking to him, but hopefully it'll work out. We have the same sense of humor and I definitely find him attractive so I think it has the potential to go somewhere.

 

I dont know what's going to happen, but I think online dating has the potential to work... maybe if the two people who meet actually are compatiable.

[silentalways]

kewl lvlyldy.

 

dating is great eh.

 

just a comment "Sometimes I wonder if we talk too much and could be actually making him less interested in me by talking to him, but hopefully it'll work out"

 

never think that. the day u STOP talking - then u can worry. have fun on yer date.

[Batya33]

When I did online dating I preferred silence rather than rejection in response to an email - that way you don't know if it was "you" or he met someone else, etc. I found it arrogant to get a long email back explaining why we were not a match when we were complete strangers after all.

[Cardinal]

As a man I have never failed to respond to a message sent to me (a sincere message). From a man's perspective, it is merely polite to respond.

 

Some women however, 10,20,30, 100 emails in a day. It isn't even feasible to expect her to respond.

 

I also know not to try and be too tactful in the response. "I don't think we would make a good match" is more than enough. Wish her luck in her search and move on. Or if there is a logistic reason, go ahead and give it! There is no reason to get too personal.

 

If a woman can take the time, it is instructive for us to know why we weren't appealing to her. Everyone can learn from times where it doesn't work out. If she doesn't like the picture (and if we get that a lot), then we know the photos will need to be improved if possible etc.

[Batya33]

I would have no interest in taking criticism from a complete stranger - there is no way to tell context or perspective and it would be arrogant of me to presume that a complete stranger wanted my unsolicited input.

[Cardinal]

It really depends on the context of the message sent. If you are asked a direct question, barring time constraints, I think it is fine to provide a simple direct answer regardless of gender. Could be 'no thanks'. Or it could be more. It is pretty easy to avoid telling someone you think they are physically unattractive. And also easy to focus on what makes the match not work for 'you' without sounding negative.

 

I like it when a woman writes me and says something like "if you fancy me, send me an email back and we can get to know each other".

 

That way it is implied that she doesn't expect or need a response if the answer is 'no'.

 

So it is all in the context of what the person is asking ime.

 

When I write emails I never ask dumb questions like "do you find me attractive". Rather, the emails are just about making her smile a little bit and write back to me.

[Crissie G]

 

I have been through this exact situation with someone only to find out that he didn't want to lose me as a friend by telling me that he just didn't like me that way. So maybe you should think about that and consider bringing it up when you guys are hanging out around the house or something. Obviously communiation is the major upset in this so you will always wonder and sit on the back burner if you don't find out for yourself.Us women have ways of avoidig things we don't know how to express. You guys are touchy when it comes to your feelings sometimes .

[annie24]

yes, I agree with batya in that unsolicited "advice" from random strangers really isn't necessary nor polite.

 

I just have my own little quirks that cause me to reject some men, not because there is ANYTHING wrong with them, more that there is something wrong with me. Sometimes, I read their description of what they are looking for in a partner, and I know that it is not me.

 

Or I see that they are shorter than I am, and I am simply not attracted to shorter men. They can't grow a few inches, so there is nothing wrong with them, and there's no point in me telling them why. Some women do not mind shorter guys, but others do.