steadyhand

I'm starting to get more into online dating and am already starting to see that I will probably communicate with a lot more people than I actually meet. I keep getting turned off by profiles and emails with obvious spelling and grammatical errors, which I find really weird... don't you want to try to make the best impression you can? Also, when reading profiles I am often thinking that there is either not enough information or too much information in that I instantly know too much about the person, I am intimidated by them or they seem arrogant.

andrewman, In addition to other's suggestions of taking classes, I also suggest checking out the following websites: link removed [Linkup - this is the SF Bay Area site, there are links to other sites on the left hand side of the page for you to get to the site in your area.] link removed [Meetin - Again, go to your geographical area.] Both of these sites are places where you can plan activities with others that have the same interests as you and want to meet other people. I especially like Link Up because it has a 'flake factor' rating for each person, which discourages people from not showing up to events. One other suggestion is to see if there are any clubs in your area that plan acitivities. For example an outdoor club that plans hikes and other outdoor excursions. Thank you for your post, it's always nice to know there are others out there in similar situations! Take care, steadyhand

Thank you, sayer7. It's nice to know that I am not the only one out there. You sound like you are doing really well and I agree with your outlook completely. I do need to have patience with myself... I have been heading in the right direction of getting my happy, independent self back but sometimes I just want to be there already and have met my compliment (just like you said, not someone to make me happy or someone that needs me to make them happy... someone that is my compliment). You know what it is? Having a roller coaster relationship takes up so much time and energy that now I have so much extra time (and a whole lot of calm in my life) and I feel restless. I'll choose to laugh at that rather than cry! Thank you for the kind words and I wish you all the best as you continue to grow and build your independent life!

Thanks, Robowarrior. Nicely said, "arrange everything in your life and finally bring order into chaos." What scares me is that I am generally very "ordered" in my life when it comes to having myself together - I have a good career and can take care of myself financially. My life was in order when my ex swooped in and pulled the rug out from under me, and I just don't want that to happen again. This isn't a pattern, though (except with him). It's only one relationship and I hope that's all I needed to learn what is not good for me. I'm on the right track, I just hate what seems like the waiting process to be ok again. And the scary thoughts of never having the loving relationship that so far has only existed in my mind. Just venting, I guess.

I just ended a 3 year relationship in August and I started NC all over again about 3 weeks ago. I am moving accross the country to be close to my family and old friends – very good thing, I know, but I am leaving a chapter in my life behind… the one that I had with my ex. A job change is ahead. I want the change but I need to figure out what I want to do. My living situation will change – time to find new roommates. I'll be living with my family in the interim which is great because it relieves some pressure but my family also has to ability to drive me nuts. I'll need time to adjust to whatever I do. I'll be in a new city. Yes, close to family and friends but I still need to learn a new city. Why am I scared? I think I am a pretty independent person and the thought of moving somewhere new is exciting BUT in the last few years when I was with my ex, the relationship revolved around him a lot and since I was unhappy with my life that allowed me to ignore what was going on in my life (i.e. not take care of myself) and now that is all I have to do. It's scary because I had such a long break from it and I'm not so sure I know what to do with myself. I "ran away" from home and moved accross the country by myself 5 years ago and part of the reason I did that is because I didn't know what else to do with myself and I needed to get away from everyone around me. I really enjoyed the alone time at first… then I got into a dysfunctional relationship that I put up with way too long. I'm 28 and I think that I have always been a late bloomer. It's weird to me that I feel like I am ready to settle down. I've led a successful life so far and everything has worked out in the end for me but right now I am in the healing process and I want to make sure that I make the best decisions for myself. It's lonely and I think about dating again soon and then realize that I am not ready and it wouldn't be fair to either party. I thank goodness for all the wonderful people in my life and I sure hope one day I will have a healthy relationship with someone that I am madly in love with. Thanks for reading, I just needed to get that off my chest.

I agree, get it checked out. I am prone to fainting and it's simply because I have low blood pressure - not serious but nice to know! I'm a wimp; I've gotten lightheaded from just listening to someone tell me about an injury. My doctor's advice was to drink lots of water, salt my food (lucky me!) and watch my head on the way down .

Phoenix, I too went through multiple breakups with my ex so I know how that feels. If he is willing to go to couples counseling, I say go for it! I didn't have that opportunity and I imagine it would really help to have an outside party be able to listen to both of you and to listen to one another in that setting. ImThatGirl, thank you for your kind words. I had all sorts of red flags when I started the relationship with my ex right down to his self-fulfilling prophecy: "you are going to break my heart". I think he broke his own heart and dragged mine along with it. I am a generally easy going person but my ex knew how to push all my buttons, make me insecure and generally steal my calm, rational self right out from under me. All that was disguised as love and passion. I'm a little scared I won't know how to love someone in a healthy way but that must be nonsense since I have a whole lot of healthy friendships that add joy to my life rather than suck it dry. I apologize for the rant. It sounds like you have a lot of wonderful things in your life and are aware of them - that is great! Let me ask this, are you comfortable with your kids being exposed to your relationship with your boyfriend, i.e. when he's around is it a healthy environment for them? If not, that spells trouble. I knew I was in a bad place when I stopped telling some of my best friends things about my relationship because I was ashamed of what I was putting up with or not getting.

Because you love him, that's why. Sometimes it's just so damn inconvenient. I didn't leave until he finally made it mutual. It helped that I started looking for another place to live (we were living together). I also got to the point where I couldn't see myself married to him and happy. I felt trapped and a whole lot older than I am, 28. Our rocky relationship turned into a silent one in the last year because he couldn't deal with conflict so he chose to ignore things instead. It was like we were an unhappy married couple that stopped talking to each other. Friends all around us were happy and making marriage plans while we were barely holding on after 3 years. I loved him and things did get better over time but they still weren't good enough. I had never felt lonelier than I did when I was with him (and he was my first love, so I was single until 25 and used to being alone, but not lonely). Our breakup left me feeling very lost and I knew that it would. That was the hardest part and it still is. Not knowing what to do with yourself is really hard to deal with. My ex was a security blanket and I got used to not thinking about myself. It's going to be difficult to get myself back and find the new wiser me. More than anything I am really thankful for everyone else in my life that I have and am now able to enjoy even more now that I am not wasting my energy on something that doesn't give me anything back.

mgirl - I think you worded that perfectly - a return back to nature is important. As time goes on, I have gotten much better at paying attention to and listening to my body and I think that has made things better. My worst times are definitely those when I am uncomfortable with what is going on in my life and I am trying to minimize that as I try to define better what I want and what makes me happy (versus what I feel am "supposed" to do). You mentioned laughing, too. After my recent breakup there were times that I felt a great weight lift off my shoulders and I found myself smiling and laughing at anything and everything I could - my body encouraging me to continue the healing and a celebration of a new beginning. I guess I've made some progress over the years, perhaps this is the worrier in me that remembers all those times of helplessness, wishing for it all to end. I'll make the choice right now to focus on what I have been able to do for myself and all the good that could lie ahead in the future.

I also did a whole lot of compromising for my ex because he was going through hard times. But he was just as capable as I am of being strong and compromising for me and he didn't do it. That speaks volumes. To this day I get angry when I think about all that he took from me (and I let him).

I think I was codependent at one point in my last relationship. What I did was stay in the relationship until I knew it was really bad for me and I wasn't getting what I needed. I got to that point by focusing on making the rest of my life what I wanted it to be. I changed jobs for the better and finished school (I was going part time and working full time so I was stressed out a lot). I used to work with my ex so changing jobs also meant that I was no longer going to see him everyday. It's really important to have a stable support group. Use your friends and family as much as possible to give you support and stability. If you ignored or neglected any friendships then start them back up! And, of course, use this board for help, support and encouragement. I wish I had the strength to leave my relationship earlier than I had, but it was probably a really good learning experience for me (I am stilling healing). Best of luck to you.

Thanks, randy. I have seen counselors in the past but they have never recommended meds for me and the counselors haven't really helped me much, either. In fact, the last one I saw made me feel worse. I stopped seeing her when she just couldn't give me a good reason to continue therapy. I have great friends and family that I can talk to about things (and this board helps, too) but when I am in a bad depressed phase it's not as simple as having a listening ear. I guess my question is more an inquiry as to how others deal with the physical aspects of depression (wanting to sleep, feeling sluggish and eating terribly) and the mental aspects of it (nothing seems fun, it's difficult to concentrate at work and not feeling social). Best of luck starting your meds. I have gotten really close to thinking about starting and at one point in my life I may choose to.

How do others beat depression? I have had bouts of depression for as long as I can remember… phases that come and go. I've never been on meds (those that are close to me have suggested it). I find myself more tired that usual lately and am concerned that it may be a sign of an impending bout. Over time I have learned to just let myself sleep a lot and go through it without fighting it too much (and stay away from others so as not to inflict my mood on them). I also try to avoid too much sugar, if possible. I crave it, though, so sometimes it's more of a matter of balancing it out rather than not having sugar at all. And yes, I do exercise if I can get myself out of bed. Any other words of wisdom?

Finewine, here's what I would do if I were you: BE SELFISH! How? Yes, forgive him. But forgive him for YOU, not for him. During a rough time in my relationship I started trying to figure out what forgiveness is and how and why to do it. With my trusty research guide Google, I found a whole lot of resources that explained and helped me realize that forgiveness can and should be a selfish act. Forgiveness will help you move on. Who the hell cares about his guilt, what YOU need is to be able to move on with your life and no longer put energy or time into hating this guy any longer. Yeah, you might make him feel better by forgiving him but what really matters is that forgiving him will make him GO AWAY and free you from him. He ain't worth your time. He sounds selfish. It's your turn to be selfish. Wouldn't it be kind of nice to say "I forgive you, it's not worth my energy to hold a grudge. I'm happy and I want to continue moving on with my life." In response to your specific questions: 1. Yes, he could love you. Is he a nutjob – most likely given what you have said. Don't know if it's a permanent condition or a result of the relationship and breakup. In any case, it doesn't matter. 2. Was he numb? I don't know. I think it's possible that things are just hitting him now. 3. Yes, forgive! For you, not him. 4. Trying to spare your feelings? That worked, right? I think this is a male thing I don't understand. My ex was silent a whole lot, too. Sometimes I think because he had no idea what to say and other times I know he wanted to avoid conflict. To summarize: Be selfish and forgive. It may feel like you are giving him what he wants but if he does feel guilty about things (as he should), he may be wanting you to be mean to him (it will be more difficult to feel guilty about treating you badly if you stoop to his level). You sound way too put together and strong to go that route!

Once again I find myself wanting to contact my ex. I saw him last weekend and he obviously still loves me and is still in love with me from what he said and the way he looked at me. Before I saw him last weekend I was doing pretty well with the no contact but he broke me down with emails he sent. I haven't contacted him since and he has been adhering to NC as well. So now I am getting ready to make a big move in a couple months far, far away (which he knows about) and I am wanting to see him. Why? I don't think he'll ask me not to move and I don't want to stay here so I don't want him to. I am scared that seeing him will make the move more difficult but sometimes I just don't give a damn (like now). A part of me thinks that we are meant to be and may be together years from now when we are ready. Is this silly? When we first broke up I kept telling myself that everything will work out in the end and what is meant to be will be. Now I am deathly afraid that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life and never love again.... (but how would seeing my ex right now change that??) Someone just tell me that I am being ridiculous and if he really thought that we were meant to be and wanted to be with me he would be doing something about it!

Finewine, it's crackpots like you that keep me coming back to these forums, so a big thank you! This marks day 3 of my second attempt to get to my new galaxy....

It sounds like you can add me to the list of people that are leading parallel lives.. I too got out of a 3 year relationship recently and just stopped hearing from a guy I was casually dating for about 2 months (that also ended a 3 year recently). I was sad at first but I know that I couldn't deal with it turning into something more right now. He was a great distraction at the time so I am thankful for that! I'll second finewine's suggestion to mark off the days on a calendar. I kept a journal and wrote down the number of days of no contact and that helped a lot. I knew I was feeling better when I no longer had to write in my journal everyday. Of course, it didn't help me that he was still contacting me... I caved and saw him so I am starting the counting all over again!

DivineWine, I completely agree and couldn't have said it better (all of it!). Makes me wonder if your ex will ever be capable of unconditional love if he is taking the advice of others. My ex couldn't verbalize his reasons for wanting to breakup yet has no problem telling me how wonderful I am. I honestly belief he didn't completely understand what he was feeling. I imagine it's easier to give up or listen to others when you don't know what you want or how to make things better. The good news - there are plenty of people out there that do know what they want/like/love and are willing to work for it! That's what you should be holding out for, and it sure seems like you have a great head on your shoulders and are headed in the right direction.

jules, I just had a relapse 3 months after my breakup and I can completely understand where you are coming from. Part of the reason why I did it was because I would get emails from him telling me that I am the best and just being chatty.... he was being completely selfish.. confusing me and conjuring up feelings that I had already worked through. I think he can't really explain why things didn't work out with us on his end (at least he couldn't verbalize it to me) but he wanted to still have me around or available to send emails to. Be thankful you are not hearing from him - it's a very good thing! I told my ex yesterday that we can no longer contact one another and now I find myself wanting to hear from him when I wasn't wanting that before. I regressed and am in the process of reminding myself that he didn't give me what I needed or wanted in a relationship. I've been able to start seeing myself again since being rid of him and although it's difficult and sometimes slow, it's what I need to be happy, healthy and sane. Keep reading and posting on this board... and take in all the encouraging words you can get. You deserve someone that works with you, not against you. Someone that comes to the table as an equal partner and respects you! HUGS!

Thank you, bella. You hit the nail on the head when you called him immature. A friend of mine reacted to his pregnancy remark perfectly - "He couldn't do what he needed to do to keep you around, so he wished that something else would do it." Makes sense given that a I feel like I did a whole lot of work in the relationship and waited around a whole lot for him to step up. I am gaining a sense of peace with this because I think I did what I needed to do. Yeah, I relapsed but I'll give myself permission to make a mistake because sometimes I just need to get something out of my system. It's done and I have always tried not to have any regrets. It's natural to still have feelings for someone after loving them for 3 years. I'm am kinda fighting the urge to contact him again because I realized that there is a big unknown surrounding our relationship that surfaced when I saw him this weekend. When we broke up we mutually agreed we weren't happy and I could identify the things about him and us that made me unhappy but I never got any reasons from him. I don't know WHY he wanted to end things and WHY he was unhappy. I can fill in the blanks a bit but I had a whole lot of one-sided conversations with him telling him how I feel and him not having anything to say. The fact that he continues to tell me that I am the "best" and "awesome" and "his favorite person" just makes me really confused. I want to know why he can't be with his favorite person. Isn't that a fair request at the end of a 3 year relationship? I'm not sure he could answer the question, though.

Dear Enotaloners, I haven't written much on these boards but I have definitely gotten strength from reading a whole lot. I am writing today because I need a little help getting my strength, perspective and focus back after just having spent a day with my ex. My apologies for the long post….. My ex and I broke up about 3 months ago after a 3 year relationship. I wasn't happy in the relationship for awhile and it was rocky from the beginning. It took him about a year to trust me which caused a whole lot of problems in the beginning of the relationship, especially because I never gave him a reason not to trust me. After we got past that, we still had problems dealing with conflict and communicating with one another in general. We lived together the last year and it was really a last ditch effort from my perspective to try to get things to work. It didn't work because we went from fighting to ignoring problems and he would drink to ignore things which left me feeling very lonely. But, when things were good, they were really good… we were best friends and loved to laugh together. He never lied or cheated, nor did I. When it did end it was difficult but we mutually decided that it should end because we both weren't happy and frustrated because we didn't seem to know how to work together to make things work. About a week before we broke up I started looking for another place to live thinking we may just need some distance from one another to take some pressure off the relationship but he was at a breaking point so we ended it. When we did end it I felt a great sense of relief because I knew that so much of my time and effort was being put into the relationship and I needed to start taking care of myself. For the first 2 years of our relationship I was working full time and going to school part time. All my free time was spent with him or alone. Our social group was his friends so when we broke up I felt very lost. The hardest part of the breakup was figuring out what the heck to do with myself… how to fill my time, how to get out and make new friends, how to figure out what makes me happy. I must say that I have been doing a pretty good job but of course it is and will continue to be a work in progress. I was sad about the breakup but the lost feeling was the worst. I was able to accept the breakup because I knew that I said and did everything that I wanted to say and do. I put myself out there and it didn't work. I was very thankful not to be thinking "well, what if I did this instead, or said that…" When things ended he asked to remain friends and I knew that wouldn't be possible. I would get emails from him here and there but wouldn't respond unless I needed to (about household bills, etc). Finally enough time had passed and I continued to here from him sporadically that I caved in and agreed to see him. Part of the reason why is because I am moving in a couple months and it was hard for me to imagine moving without seeing him at least once before the move since I may never see him again. We had dinner and it went fine. It was uncomfortable but I got through it relatively unscathed. I got 3 emails from him after that and didn't respond. In the emails he thanked me for seeing him, asked to see me one last time before I move and told me how good I look (unfortunately breakups are the best diet). Then, yesterday I was feeling lonely and vulnerable. I called him up and agreed to hang out with him at his house. We spent the night together and most of today. We talked, laughed, made love, napped, cried, said "I love you" and "I miss you". He also said that he knows I will be happy (referring to me moving and probably also me moving on). On a different note he tells me that he thought maybe it would have been a good thing if I had gotten pregnant because it would have kept me around (he was referring to a pregnancy scare I had at one point). I left his place today without saying much… started driving home and then turned back when I knew that I was feeling uneasy about the way things were left. I opened a wound and I had no idea what he was going to do next. So I went back to talk to him and told him that we can't keep doing this because it's like breaking up all over again. I can't wonder when he is going to contact me next and I need to get just everything out now because this isn't fair to either one of us since it seems like he is pulling me along in his healing and acceptance process with the emails that I get from him. I said it seemed like he is confused but he immediately said that he isn't confused. I asked him to tell me again that he doesn't want to be with me (but then told him to stop when his expression gave me the assurance I needed to know that he does, in fact, not want to be with me). We agreed that we can't be friends and seeing each other is too difficult so I got him to agree not to contact me anymore (but he asked for permission to contact me on my birthday in 10 months and I said no). He was crying the whole talk and I wasn't, partly because I had done enough crying over the weekend and partly because I have done enough crying over this as a whole. Now I have to deal with this setback in my healing process. Seeing him made me want to be with him again. I still have this feeling in my gut that he is going to contact me again, especially since I know that it takes him a long time to sort through things. A part of me is waiting for him to come around and I hate that because I did a whole lot of waiting for him to come around while I was in the relationship. Ugh! Any words of encouragement, wisdom, or humor would be appreciated. (And congrats on making it to the end of this v. long post!)

Thank you for the words of encouragement. Funny you suggested texting him because that's exactly what I did. We usually text rather than call so it doesn't appear that I am being gutless (even though that's how I feel). I don't know why I am nervous - I know he enjoys hanging out with me!

annie24 - Agreed. If I bring it up it will be in casual conversation. We talk enough about moving that I will be able to bring it up without it being too serious. Now I just have to initiate a date....

annie24 - Because I am scared You aren't the first person to say that to me so I'll start working on preparing for the conversation because you are probably right. I'm scared because it would be the first serious conversation we will have and I would rather him bring it up, but if I gotta do it, I gotta do it! Honey Pumpkin - You, too, are right. I like the way you put it - tell him I like him and will miss him because I do want to see in in the future. That's easy enough, right?

Hello everyone… here's a quick synopsis of my situation from a previous post: I have been dating someone for about a month and a half (now 2 months). I like him but we are definitely still getting to know one another. From what I can tell, we are in similar places in terms of how we feel about each other. We haven't slept together. We are both in our early thirties and have ended long term relationships within the last 6 months. He's moving soon for graduate school and I just happen to be moving to the same place a few months later (we each planned the move prior to knowing one another). We talk about hanging out in the new place all the time, so we have both expressed an interest in continuing to see each other. I don't know if he is seeing anyone else but I doubt it (don't get that vibe from him). If I'm wrong, that's fine since we haven't talked about it. I am not seeing anyone else. My previous post I asked for feedback on how we should leave things when he moves and I am completely comfortable with him quietly leaving, keeping in touch as friends and then seeing what happens when we are in the same town again. Here's my current question…. I am hearing from him less and less as the time approaches for him to leave. The last time we hung out was on Tuesday. I had a good time and believe that he did, too. It's the things that he says that are getting me worried that I am not expressing my like towards him enough: 1- "It was nice to see you, as always" – what he said at the end of the night the last time we hung out. That's not a direct quote because was he said was better, sweeter. It took me a little by surprise so I didn't say anything. Mind you, this was in the middle of our good-bye kiss so I think I just continued to kiss him. Is it bad that I didn't say anything? 2 - "You didn't get a ring?" – Question about my last relationship. He talks about his ex in casual conversation since they are still friends (which I completely respect); however, I don't talk about mine. I let him know I've never been engaged and didn't elaborate at all. Why do guys (he's not the first) ask/talk about ex's so much? Are they fishing for information? Do they need reassurance? 3 - "I learn one or two things about you each time we hang out" - this was him complaining that I am still a mystery. Is this not normal? I am still getting to know him, too. My complaint: we haven't hung out enough for him to say that. I'm most concerned about #1 because I hope I didn't leave him feeling like I didn't acknowledge or appreciate the comment. I haven't talked to him since Tuesday, and I am the one that initiated us hanging out on Tuesday. Can I wait for him to contact me or do I have to initiate again? I'm kinda feeling like I need to initiate since I haven't heard from him all weekend. Why I am not expressing my 'like' towards him: I am still getting to know him. We still hang out sporadically so we are still quite casual. I too am getting ready to move and am going through the sadness of leaving I recently saw my ex for the first time since we broke up and regressed a little in my healing which means I've been in a 'funk' and wanting to be alone. I don't want to get hurt or get my hopes up. I am still not comfortable with him and don't feel like I can show all of me yet. Thoughts??