a friend of mine

[justafriend2]

i have a friend who is 17 years old, shes been talking to a few guys but none of which have been good to her or close to good enough for her. she feels as if she needs someone to be there for her. and recently a friend of hers had her talk to a guy friend from school. hes 26 going on 27. a 10 year difference as you can see. this guy already has his life planned out, he's set. he has his own little mortgage company, hes loaded with money...basically set for life. my friend is only 17 still a senior in high school and doesnt know what exactly she wants to do with her life.

 

they havent even met in person yet. theyve talked on the phone and online. he already told her that hes falling in love with her. he said that the second day they talked and theyve been talking for about a week. hes everything that she could want in a guy she says but she said theres something about this whole thing that makes her not want to be with him.

 

i talked to her today and she said that she's scared to fall in love. shes scared to be hurt.

 

i honestly think this is an inevitable heartbreak. shes scared cause she already knows she'll get hurt. this man has experienced everything and shes not gonna be happy. she still needs to experience life and live.

 

i just dont know what to tell her. looks like im asking advice on how to give advice lol. but i just dont want her to end up so heartbroken.

 

 

any thought or advice on this situation is very well appreciated.

[melrich]

Well I think when any adult guy tells you on day 2 of chatting online that he is starting to fall in love with you, right there you should unplug the computer and take an extended break.

 

That she is even continuing to chat really shows just how much of a maturity difference there is between 17 and 27. He knows what he is doing. She doesn't. But she probably won't listen to you unfortunately.

[justafriend2]

like for their "first date" if it happens, first she told me that they were just gonna go out to get some coffee and play some chess and checkers. but then the next day she tells me that hes gonna cook for her and take her to the beach as the sunsets. does that not sound like seduction in a bag?

[PhilliesFan001]

I met my boyfriend when I was 16 and he was 23. We became even closer when I was 17 and he was 24, and began dating when I was 18 and he was 25. I'm still in school, he's got his own company as well. So I can relate to your friend's situation. At first my friends were less than supportive, but after getting to know him they saw his intentions weren't devious at all.

 

Honestly, the only thing you can do is support her. She is doing what she thinks is best for herself. For right now I'd say the red flag is less about age difference and more about him saying he loves her on the second day.

 

While, to you, the age difference may seem huge and wrong and will inevitably lead to heartbreak...to her, it probably doesn't feel that way, and your efforts to convince her otherwise won't work out.

 

Let her roll with the punches. I'd advise against a sexual relationship until she's 18 obviously, but in the meantime all you can do is be a friend.

 

If they begin to date and it doesn't work out, be there to console her. Never say "I told you so."

 

If they begin to date and things get serious and it works out, (again, once she's an 'adult') then you have to grin and bear it. It's her life to figure out.

 

You can voice concerns but do not sound preachy. She's going to have to sort this out herself, no matter what happens.

[FortunateOne]

Wow! Major red flags. You're a good friend for caring and someone needs to step in to prevent this guy from manipulating her. Maybe she needs a heart breaking experience from him in order to grow, but I tend to but in when I see trouble ahead for friends. I know where this guy is coming from since I know people like him in my business life.

 

Based on what you've mentioned he is a go getting salesman that will not care about who he uses to get what he wants. In my industry I see this type of character all the time. Heck, it accounts for about 90% of the mortgage company owners I know. They have the same entitlement attitude that most athletes have. As my avatar states, when people control the financial lives of others it give us an arrogant attitude and become control freaks. It's tough to balance it with a healthy dose of morality. All I know is that he is manipulating her to get with a young girl. Then again his world could all be made up in some sick fantasy and it nothing to worry about.

[justafriend2]

i dont think age difference is horribly wrong. sometimes age difference does catch up though. theres different levels of maturity going on in different parties. i love my friend to death but sometimes the choices she makes, are just...well we've all been 17 before. what would a 27 year old man want in a 17 year old girl? like a lot of people i talk to say "he's living a grown mans dream!" and in a way it is true. and the whole manipulating thing, i never really thought about that. and it seems like thats what hes doing too. cause its almost like he's pressuring her and she doesnt really know it.

 

its understandable to be scared to fall in love. but shes scared to fall in love with him cause she knows in her head that she'll end up hurt or hurting him badly. she told me herself. when you fall in love with someone you shouldnt feel scared, you just fall knowing that you feel safe that someone will catch you.

[FortunateOne]

All I can tell you is that she is not a fully mature adult. Most people find their self indetity in life at about their mid twenties. She still needs to grow more with her peers as the base of her future experience.

[justafriend2]

i just want to know what it is about this guy that makes me so uneasy about him. its not the age thing so much. and when i get feelings like this im always right and it sucks, cause its always with the bad things. i really dont want to be right but this feeling is eating me away inside.

[FortunateOne]

Maybe because he seems like a manipulative type A personality selfish control freak semi-narciccist 27 year old that healthy grown adult women don't want.

[justafriend2]

yeah i really dont know how he cant find someone around his own age

[patch2006uk]

I dont think the age gap is neccessarily the issue. falling in 'love' after a couple of days of online talkin sounds like the problem. Although i suppose in his favour he didn't lie and say he was a 17 year old boy.

 

Maybe you just need to go with her (if you can) when she meets him, and let her make her own decisions/mistakes.

[justafriend2]

he is being real manipulative though to make her think theyre on the same level. cause she's told him one time when he said he was falling in love with her, she said "then why do i feel like its fake" and he said "maybe cause you dont know what its like" (i think i stated that part of a conversation before) and shes told him "im afraid to feel anything like that towards you" and he said "you wanna know something? im afraid too". and it just hit me, if he's so afraid why did he already say that he's falling for her the second day. he does that a lot, she'll say something and say "you wanna know something?...blah blah blah"

[PhilliesFan001]

he is being real manipulative though to make her think theyre on the same level. cause she's told him one time when he said he was falling in love with her, she said "then why do i feel like its fake" and he said "maybe cause you dont know what its like"

 

I would watch out for that. In AGRs, you need to make sure that there is an equal balance of power, and that one person does not feel inferior to the other. If he starts saying more things along the lines of "You don't know what it's like" or "You're too young to understand this," etc...then I'd take that as a bad sign, definitely. Like I said before, I think she should make her own judgements about him, but you can certainly voice a non-judgemental opinion and give her some valuable insight.

[justafriend2]

how can i do that the right way?

[PhilliesFan001]

Just say something like, "I'm your friend and I'll support you no matter what, but I'm a little concerned about this guy." and just tell her your thoughts.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

lots of older guys prey on young (underage) girls who are too naive and inexperienced emotionally to catch onto their game before it is too late. i don't know any nice 27 year old men who would talk about 'love' with a 17 year old girl when they haven't even met yet, unless he has some kind of ulterior motive and is trying to turn her head and get her hooked on him.

 

he could woo her over the phone for a while til she's really hot for him, then take her on one date somewhere, have sex with her then dump her. a legitimate guy would NOT initiate serious dating with her til she's over 18, or he could go to jail. but lots of them are pretty good at this, and count on the fact that the girl won't rat him out to some adult because she is too embarrassed at falling for his lines and being dumped.

 

so she shouldn't take this attention as being considered 'special' or good, he probably does this all the time... or he's really really immature himself, or something wrong with him that he can't find women his own age to date.

 

i would try to convince her to only meet him in a public place with a group, her friends coming too, until she is 18 or it is obvious that he is normal and isn't trying to take advantage of her... but the 'i may be falling in love with you' is very suspicious when he hasn't met her, and it is ALSO one of the oldest lines in the book men use to hurry things up so they can get the woman's defenses down and get her to sleep with him too soon.

[justafriend2]

shes really hesitant to have deeper feelings other than "i like him". she was crying on the phone talking to me telling me that shes scared to have any deeper feelings towards him.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

maybe that is her intuition speaking... she SHOULDN'T have deeper feelings for him, she hasn't even met him yet, and she is 17 and he is 27. i hope listens to those warning feelings and finds herself someone her own age. there are plenty of boys her age that would make her just as happy as this guy, and be a lot less complicated situation.

[justafriend2]

i dont think hes being so honest with her about an ex (or so he says she is). she kinda investigated that but he talked his way out of that whole thing. but me being a friend wants to make sure theres complete honesty, but i dont think thats happeneing.

[justafriend2]

its funny, shes actually on a "date" with him right now and shes having me call every so often to check up on her. theyre watching a movie, and it happens to be a scary one and he knows that she gets scared * * * *less...like he didnt know what he was doing

[PhilliesFan001]

Your friend sounds like she is VERY uncomfortable with him, so now I'd be questioning her actions as much as his. Why exactly is she hanging out with him if she's so afraid of him?

[justafriend2]

man, i knew i was right about something about this guy.

 

 

ok so she called me when she got home from their date. she told me about it, she said it was fun, they made out (of course i mean, who WATCHES a movie when on a date?). and she was messing with his phone and she saw his wallpaper on it. guess what it was of? HIS 2 KIDS! he said that hes never been married/divorced/or has kids. he told her he didnt want to tell her about them until she really got to know him. now she doesnt know what to do.

[FortunateOne]

Run! Fast! In the opposite direction. NOW!

 

This is what you NEED to tell her. Heck, print this thread and show her.

[justafriend2]

she even questioned him about it before they even went out cause she had her suspicions. and he said no. he said that he didnt tell her about them cause he knew that she wouldnt give him the time of day. well DUH! he put her in an unfair position, he shouldnt have done that to her cause now she feels like shes butting into his and his kids lives. and not only that, she suspects that he hasnt even told his ex-wife about my friend!

[PhilliesFan001]

So, this guy:

 

(1) tells her he loves her after 2 days, and

(2) lied about having kids.

 

 

Tell her to get out now!