An old flame re-ignited or "just a friend"??? Seeking advice...

[justagurl]

Hi, I'm new and came here desperately seeking unbaised advice. I am currently living with a guy that I've been with for about a year now. When we first met he had told me that he will always "carry a torch" for an old ex-girlfriend from college named Melissa.

 

Over the past year, all sexual intimacy has stopped between us - and not from a lack of interest or effort on my part. He has an online porn addiction which I have caught him in lies over & over & over... he has made promises to stop etc - but then I find more and then more lies and then he behaves for about a month and then - more porn... any advances I make are rejected.

 

I then discover that he has been in touch with Melissa (who is now going through a divorce). When asked about it he denied talking to her but after I found emails between the 2 - with him making sexual comments to her - he finally told me that yes, they have indeed been "talking" but she's just a really good friend that he's had for the past 10 or so years.

 

Problem is - is that in the year I've been with him they've NEVER been in touch - and now they are talking or emailing at least once a week - that I know about anyways. He deletes his phone records and emails often so it could be more frequently, I'm not sure. I asked if he's talked about our relationship issues with her and he said no - come to find out he lied about that as well and told her there were conflicts with us. She says things like she "misses" him, and that they should get together to talk about the issues in their lives... and then says something to the effect of she'd really like to get away to a cabin somewhere to veg.

 

I have told him that I am not comfortable with him re-connecting with an old flame from college - especially one he has previously told me he'll always carry a torch for - but he INSISTS they are "just good friends" and have been for 10 years or more. Even after I explain why I have issues with him all of a sudden frequently talking/emailing this girl - he tells me I'll just have to get over it and the way I feel about the situation is crazy.

 

I don't like how this makes me feel... so I'm seeking advice as to whether or not I SHOULD be concerned about what's going on here... maybe what I'm feeling IS crazy, but my gut tells me it's not...

 

Please help - any insight would help me sleep a lil better at night....

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone.

 

so....

 

1) he has lost interest in sex with you

2) he has a porn addiction

3) he told you he will always carry a torch for his ex

4) his newly available ex is telling him she misses him

5) they are frequently on the phone together.

 

BIG RED FLAGS!!!!

 

DTMFA (dump the mf already!)

 

this sounds like a horrible situation, I bet you deserve a lot better. i don't think that the love you want and need is in this relationship. leave him ASAP so you can find someone who will forever be carrying a torch for you!

[caro33]

Yes, it would seem you have a real problem here. Perhaps any one of these issues wouldn't be a big deal, or an insurmountable problem on its own, but the cumulative effect would seem pretty much a relationship ender.

 

The things that jumped out at me the most are -

 

(a) You keep saying he is lying and can't be trusted. Whether it's with his addiction or with the ex, this is a real problem. It shows that he sees what he is doing is 'wrong' by the standards of your relationship, but he's still doing it.

 

(b) The lack of any physical intimacy between you in the environment of the lies, porn and ex would seem a real issue.

 

I would love to tell you something that would help you feel better, but from the way you explain it, this relationship sounds like it's bad news, pure and simple. If I was you and was going to stick with this relationship and make ANY concessions re the ex I would need to also feel like he was prioritising me, our relationship, and can be trusted. So no more promising things he won't deliver, no more carrying on in a surreptitious way with Melissa. Lots of assurances re the relationship, and a resumption of a sex life that makes sense to both of you.

 

In the absense of those things, I think that sticking this out without any changes to the status quo will just drive you mad.

[lizziebee]

I, like you am desperately seeking advice, the porn, the messages, the emailing of "old flames' or whatever they are...Could you pose the question of what if it was you online with an old bf? How would he feel? If he says he would be ok with that ask him why?

[justagurl]

I agree BIG red flags - and I've tried to discuss it with him - only to get screamed at and told that his "friend" Melissa is not a discussionable topic. I guess my feeling is, is that if he has no concern that this is bothering me and he's going to do it anyways - then a relationship between him and I will never work.

 

I could choose to wait around and see what happens - but, honestly, that idea doesn't sit well with me. I hate the fact that I'm being disrespected and that my feelings are unimportant. I also don't like the fact that this girl, knowing he's in a relationship, continues to contact him. But, honestly, he continues to do it too, so I can't just blame her.

 

After I posted last night he and I got into it. HE says that by me not liking what's going on I'm essentually giving him an ultimatum and that NO ONE gives him ultimatums. I told him that there is no ultimatum, that I don't like how this situation makes me feel and that I refuse to allow a relationship to make me feel this way. He says that I don't HAVE to be in a relationship or to deal with it any longer ... so I guess we're over.

 

 

[annie24]

hi - I am sorry for the breakup. But, I think it is really for the best. I swear, something smells fishy about him all the way over here. he doesn't sound like a quality boyfriend. I think you have to watch people's patterns, and if they are changing, that is an indication that something is up. if he never wants to have sex with you anymore (and he did before) and he frequently talks to this woman (and he didn't before), bad signs.

 

well, it sounds like he is now free to pursue melissa and he got to blame it on you. lovely he sounds like a jerk, honestly.

 

hang in there. you deserve far better.

[justagurl]

Thanks - went apartment hunting today... everyone that I talk to agrees - it's time to go. Found a cute little place... but I don't want to just jump into something... am going to take me time and find the right place to live.

 

He told me this morning that he refuses to give up his "friends" for some girl. So that is all I am now - just some girl. And so it will be. He's an idiot.

[annie24]

I would hope that after being with him for 1 year, you would be more than "some girl." hmpf.

 

your new place sounds really cool! if you are still living with him, I suggest you find a place asap so you can be rid of him.