Should I leave my wife?

[northernlight]

I am in my late 40's and have been married now for 18 years this coming December. We do not have any children together although I do have three children from my 1st marriage, who are adults now and living on their own. This is my second marriage and my wife's first. She never did get along with my kids from my former marriage, and that has been the cause of some nasty arguments. Even though my kids are grown now, they are still a very touchy subject between us.

 

My wife and I do not have sex more than once or twice per year. I think I am an attractive man and I know my wife finds me so, but she is just not interested with me or anyone else. When we do have sex I have to virtually beg, plead, pout, you name it before she agrees. Still even then she is far from an enthusiastic participant, despite my best efforts to make it physically enjoyable for her. She does have orgasm but still does not want to engage in sex. We sleep now in separate bedrooms and have done so for the last three years. It was not always as bad as it has been for the last three years, but it was never all that good.

 

Do not get me wrong, my wife is a good woman and I do love her. Except for my kids and sex she is a a wonderful mate, and trust me I am far from perfect. She gives me a lot of support and freedom. Really there is nothing much she would not do for me.

 

I have never cheated on my wife until this weekend, and even then only marginally. I had met this woman, whom I will call B, about a year ago, and we became friends. Eventually over time I began to feel that she meant more to me than just a good friend. About one month ago I told her that I loved her, but it was not in the best of places for conversation. We were in a bar at the time and our conversation got cut off.

 

I did not see her again until this Friday, again at the bar after work. This time I accompanied her home to her apartment, and to make this short I stopped myself before going much beyond kissing and foreplay. I felt what I was doing was wrong, and that if I did this, it should not be when I had been drinking.

 

I left, went home, and promptly lied to my wife about where I had been and hoped this would pass. It has not passed. I can't stop thinking about B. I thought and hoped I would feel better about doing the right thing and walking out before anything serious happened. I do not.

[doyathink]

hi nl,

 

You seem to be at the cross roads, time to make a decision before you take it too far! What is it that you want? It doesn't sound like your marriage is going to suddenly change and seeing this ow is going to lead to sex in the near future if your not really careful.

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA northernlight!

 

Well, it sounds like you have some work to do. First things first, let's address this infidelity.

 

The way I see, this situation with B is your kick in the nuts to get moving trying to improve (or at east figure out) your marriage. I commend you for listening to your conscience on that too. Look at your situation! Three years of living like you have been is going to generate some serious urges and make a rose petal look like the Garden of Eden in terms of intimacy with a woman. You did good and your feelings are normal.

 

Now, regarding your marriage, things aren't going to change overnight here. You both are going to have to make changes if need be. First, you need to touch base with each other and have a serious talk about things. Collect and organize your thoughts and lay things out there. Express your perceptions and desires in the situation and see what she has to say.

 

The next step I think will be based on her response and answers...

[northernlight]

Thanks for your response.

 

I agree I am at a cross roads. But I guess the problem is I am unsure of motives. Am I considering this because of B? Would I be considering this if B had not come into the picture?

[doyathink]

Unsure of whos motives? Yours or hers. If you leave your wife and family you need to do it for you,and with the thought that your marriage isn't repairable.... not because you think you have a chance with B.

[northernlight]

Your right it is a kick to the nuts, and it has got my attention believe me.

 

My wife and I have tried in the past to talk about this, but it has never come to much. She has promised to talk to her doctor about it lest the trouble is medical in nature but to my knowledge she has not carried through.

 

To complicate things I should point out that my wife and I work in the same office, which makes the notion of splitting up all the more uncomfortable.

[northernlight]

You make a good point doyathink, but the problem is in a sense just how you say it. If I were to conclude my marriage was not repairable, how could I be certain my conclusion or decision is not clouded by my feelings for B, or as you put it "have a chance with B".

[LostInMyThoughts]

Thanks for your response.

 

I agree I am at a cross roads. But I guess the problem is I am unsure of motives. Am I considering this because of B? Would I be considering this if B had not come into the picture?

 

Even if B hadn't come into the picture, C would have.

 

We all have needs. Clearly your marriage is not meeting yours; and you would be searching (even unknowningly) to get these needs met.

 

I can tell you with a high degree of confidence; if you leave your wife for B, it won't work out.

 

Relationships that start with affairs; rarely, if ever, work out. They are relationships that start from deception, from a breach in trust. If a person can't be faithful in one relationship, how can a person be expected to be faithful in another? Additionally right now, things with B look a lot better. But you're not seeing the whole picture from an objective point of view. You have two women in your life; together they meet 100% of your needs. Take one away, and you're left with an emptiness.

 

Focus your efforts on your marriage. If you do decide to save your marriage, end all contact with your friend. Let it be the spark that gave you the desire to give your marriage everything you had. Eventually the thoughts you have for your friend, will fade.

 

Frisco is right; time to have some serious heart to heart talks with your wife. It's time to let her know that her disinterest in sex is pushing you away. That has to change, because it's making you unhappy in the marriage.

 

Another thing to think about; if you leave your wife, you will have been divorced 2 times, working on potentially your third marriage. Certainly this isn't a reason to stay together, but if you hadn't figured out things the first 2 times, it might be a big red-flag showing that you still haven't gotten things right (yes this is unfair for me to say, but I hope it gives you a slight pause and to give you incentive to do what you can to save your marriage).

 

It's a tough situation to live through. From what you've written, disinterest in sex, and a poor attitude towards your children aren't insurmountable obstacles.

 

It's hard because B is your primary motivation here; but you have to look at these as two mutually exclusive decisions: ending your marriage, and starting a relationship with B.

 

Each has pros and cons.

[doyathink]

If your marriage was on the right track to begin with, clearly B wouldn't even be in the picture...Right?

 

So, as dj said, you need to take care of your marriage issues first...then, if you see there isn't a marriage to save...move on.

 

Take B out of the equation for now so that she isn't a focal point 'clouding' your thoughts.

 

If you dont do this, you will never be able to answer your own questions.

[northernlight]

Now that the subject of my 1st marriage is out I should advise I left her due to infidelity on her part. I do apreciate the irony here though, now that I am to some extent at least on the other side.

 

As for getting involved and trying to make a go of it with B, I do not even know if she would have me. At this time that's not the point, I fear it may become the point though.

[friscodj]

Just by virtue that you seem to be considering pursuing something with B tells me your marriage is not fulfilling to you. And three years in separate bedrooms sounds miserable. Life is simply too short for that.

 

I know this is tough and poses a risk but I think you really need to express all this to your wife. Pull no punches. Get lay it all out there and go from there. Perhaps marriage counseling is an option? Perhaps more effort on your part to follow through with her doctor's appointment would help as this issue might be rooted in something medical on her end?

[jimthzz]

don't cheat, but end your marriage before resuming a sex life with someone else.

 

Clearly, your wife and yourself are incompatible in bed.

 

She has to know this, she can't be unaware of it.

 

After many years that is not likely to improve.

[northernlight]

In laying it all out there with my wife are you suggesting I inform my wife about B?

 

I would have real trouble with that. I think all that would do is hurt her and make my guilt her guilt.

[northernlight]

Thanks for the reply but I am not sure what you mean by incompatible in bed. If it is the physical act you mean, I can not agree. That is just plumbing and one bit of plumbing can be made to fit another.

 

As I see it, it is the desire or lack thereof, to have sex that is the problem.

[Siriana]

I have an idea. You have to decide if you want to divorce regardless your crush on this other person. If this crush hasn't happened and you had no one interesting in sight would you be thinking about divorce? If not is it just because of fear of beeing alone?

If yes - do you have a wish to ask for some help to save your mariagge?

After thinking about it I guess you will now what to do.

[scsavino]

after reading everything .... I was wondering .... do you love your wife anymore?

When did the sex go bad?

[LostInMyThoughts]

As I see it, it is the desire or lack thereof, to have sex that is the problem.

 

This is a problem that can be addressed if both people want to work through it.

 

You have to do some soul searching now. The crossroad that you are at (as I see it) is that you have to decide. Do you want to save your marriage--it does appear hopeful that you can. Or do you want to end your marriage, cut your losses and move on with your life.

 

One thing; if you weren't able to work out your problems in this marriage, will you be prepared to work out your problems in your next relationship?

 

If you decide to work on your marriage, I think it's important to end all contact with B. From personal experience, I know that focusing your energy while your mind is else where is difficult, if not next to impossible. Getting her out of the picture will make it much easier on you.

 

If you decide to end things, do it because you don't see hope in the relationship. Think long about whether you want to go from one serious relationship into another. The pull of a new relationship might feel great, but it can also be misleading. When we imagine about spending time with someone outside of a relationship; we create this fantasy world. This world doesn't have problems, and everything seems perfect. Then the two people get together in the real world, and things end up being quite different.

 

I don't envy the position you're in, but I hope things work out the best for you.

[jimthzz]

the incompatability in bed is the mismatched libidos.

[northernlight]

I have an idea. You have to decide if you want to divorce regardless your crush on this other person. If this crush hasn't happened and you had no one interesting in sight would you be thinking about divorce? If not is it just because of fear of beeing alone?

If yes - do you have a wish to ask for some help to save your mariagge?

After thinking about it I guess you will now what to do.

Thanks for your reply. Am I thinking of Divorce for its own sake or is simply because of B? I guess your question is what I am kind of trying to muddle through in this forum. I do appreciate each reply I have received for just that reason, they force me to continue to muddle through this before I do anything stupid.

 

I can say though in response to your reply that I do not fear being alone. I am a person who enjoys his own solitude.

[northernlight]

after reading everything .... I was wondering .... do you love your wife anymore?

When did the sex go bad?

 

Do I love my wife anymore? I have been wondering this myself. In short I think yes. But is it enough? More particularly, do I love my wife as a wife or is more along the lines that one would love say a close relative.

 

When did the sex go bad? About three years ago when she started to complain of experiencing pain. But that is not the half of it. Long before that she had lost interest in sex, in fact I would venture to say that it is doubtful she ever really had much in the first place.

[northernlight]

It seems to be a common theme through most of the replies, that if I decide to end the marriage it should be because I do not see hope in the marriage itself, and not merely to be with the the other woman. And for what it is worth I agree, problem is though there is this other woman. She does exist and I have trouble keeping her from my thoughts. This is a quandary because how can I be sure what I decide about my marriage is not unduly influenced by my feelings for B?

 

Some might say I should just eliminate B from the equation. Easier said than done. I only see B once or twice per month but she is never very far from my thoughts. Neither is my wife for that matter. I find it hard to consider one without the other popping into my head.

[Siriana]

You can eliminate her with not contacting her and not seeing her if possible. If not than keeping your distance because it's about chemistry. Far from the eyes far from the hart.

[LostInMyThoughts]

You can eliminate her with not contacting her and not seeing her if possible. If not than keeping your distance because it's about chemistry. Far from the eyes far from the hart.

 

I agree whole heartedly.

 

This is something that can't be 1/2 as**d.

 

Either all in, or all out. In between, and eventually all three of you will end up hurt.

[vermeered]

I hope my experience will help you think twice. I have been married for almost 20 years. The marriage was wonderful in many ways except for the sex part. My husband loves me dearly but I have refused him over and over again until he stopped asking for any intimacy from me. We would go for a whole year without making love. We are both good looking, healthy and have very athletic bodies. We are the last couple that anyone would suspect that sex is missing between us. There are many reasons for me for not wanting to make love with my husband-previous surgical reasons and I was too shy to tell him what I wanted. Eventually, sex became a subject that we would never talk about.

 

Someone who I worked with over ten years ago contacted me last year over the emails. We exchanged emails quite a bit talking about running and sharing training tips for preparing a marathon. We became very good friends over the emails. He then invited me to go running with him. It was the first time I saw him in ten years. It was great! He then invited me again the following month. I went again and had a great time. Before I left, he started kissing me and I allowed him. It reminded me what’s missing in my marriage. I knew any relationship with him would be devastating to my troubled marriage, but I went for it. We were a very good match in many ways. The relationship lasted for nine months. During that time, I enjoyed being pursued, being wanted, being in love. He warned me very early on that it’s a relationship that had a limit. He was basically telling me that I should not expect anything else from him. I thought he was being unrealistic—how could someone stop his feelings when he was in love? I saw him very infrequently during the nine months, but he called me a couple of times a week. We were very attached to each other emotionally. And then, the last 2 months, his emails became infrequent, although everything stayed the same. I just had a feeling that either he started taking me for granted or I began to want more. I talked to him about my funny feelings. We eventually stopped talking for a week after I told him that I could not continue our relationship. It was hard for him to accept that we were breaking up and he repeatedly asked me to stay. Finally he wanted to talk me out of breaking up in person and I also wanted to give us a chance. When I saw him , he told me he wanted to continue our relationship but I had to accept that he would not allow himself to love me because I am married. He said he would have feelings for me but he would not act upon them. I said he could not have it both ways-wanting me although I am married, but not loving me also because I am married. That night I also found out that he was actually dating other women. I never thought about the possibility of him dating others because he was seemingly so attached to me. I did not challenge him or tell him how disrespectful he was because I am the one who is married. Anyway, now I don’t know how much emotions between us were real; some of mine are from my fantasies and his are undermined by his dishonesty. I left him that night and didn’t return his email and phone call.

 

I now have to deal with the loss of a relationship, betrayal from him and my betrayal to my husband. As my therapist told me, I have been living in a pseudo marriage for a long time, so I have to figure out if my marriage can be saved or not. And, I also need to get myself healed.

 

I hope you won’t repeat my mistakes. Please refrain from having thoughts about the other woman until you figure out what you want from your marriage. If you would like to save your marriage, work on it now.

[northernlight]

Thank you so much for your reply.

 

There is so much in your reply that I can relate to. My wife refused me so often that we too have stopped asking for intimacy. Hence our now sleeping in different beds. The idea being if we are never going to be intimate we might as well at least sleep well at night. I don't know how you and your husband got to that state, but that's really not so important. The important thing is how, and can you get it back. At least for me that is the important question. Personally I am not entirely sure I can, but I hate the notion of just giving up, even though in many ways I already have.

 

Your comment about a pseudo marriage really strikes home. I too have been overwhelmed by the notion that I have been living in a pseudo marriage. Perhaps that is how I come to be in the position I am in with B. I want more from a marriage or a relationship. But the more that I want surely must be more than simply sex. Surely there is more to it than that.

 

I too like you must figure out if my marriage can be fixed. I just wish I knew how to figure that out. How did you do it, or did you? Unfortunately professional therapy will be difficult. I live in a small remote area several hundred kilometers from a centre where such services would be available.

 

Any way I am sorry for rambling on here. Suffice it to say your posting has given me much to consider and I would like to think on it for a while and reply more later on.