Breaking Up: Update

[LostInMyThoughts]

Is that really a betrayal? That's a little harsh. Yeah, he probably shouldn't have pursued that relationship. It also sounds like they got serious a little too fast. Live and learn, right?

 

I wasn't wrong for pursuing the relationship; I was wrong for moving forward so quickly.

 

I appologized for that; but if my ex had more "invested" in a 3-week relationship I don't feel like I can be blamed for that.

[LostInMyThoughts]

It sounds like a win-win situation. Who wants to date someone who's ambivalent about them, irrespective of their reasonings?

 

It wasn't that I was ambivalent about her. I cared about her a lot.

 

After we were dating for 2 weeks; I had said to her that I wanted to be exclusive (which is true I didn't have any notion of dating other people)--I think I jumped the gun with this one. That weekend however I had plans to hang out with my friend. After I spent the weekend partying with my friend I realized I had a lot of fun hanging out. I wanted to see if I could have the same fun with my ex.

 

I tried; but I just didn't feel that connection. Granted I only gave it one week. I thought maybe I should give it more time. Then I struggled with whether or not my friendship would ruin a budding relationship (I even posted about it). I finally realized I had a choice. If I wanted to keep my relationship; I would essentially have to give up my friend (and probably quit my job). I've known her for 3-weeks; Jade has been my friend for almost a year now.

 

In the end I knew I was with the wrong person. I sat her down and I told her my feelings.

 

I had every intention of taking my relationship with my ex forward. It just didn't turn out that way.

 

I'm sorry that it took me a week to figure out I was with the wrong person. I wish I had everyone else's magic crystal ball to help me predict the future.

[LostInMyThoughts]

LIMT has a new challenge.

Dating a co-worker can be complicated.

 

Total togetherness!

 

Yes

 

Day two, and so far so good. She's coming over tonite. I'm really excited

[Dako]

I dated my ex while working with her.

She ended up quitting for many reasons.

 

Keep it discreet or you'll feel confined and scrutinized.

[annie24]

hey everyone - let's keep this civil.

 

I'm not saying that it was wrong for you to break up with her. You did the right thing.

 

However, based on the previous thread he provides, to me, when someone clearly knows what the other person's intentions are from the beginning, and they still pursue the relationship KNOWING they don't have the same intentions as the other person, I just think it's wrong.

 

It NEVER feels good to feel betrayed.

 

well, I know that i have dated guys I wasn't initally too interested in, but people always say, "give him a chance! get to know him!!!" so, I have, and it sounds like LIMT also wanted to give her a chance.

 

oh well, it didn't work. I think also that a 3-week "relationship" is a blip on the radar and neither party owes the other anything. 3 weeks..... that's like... 5 dates, around the time that most people decide whether or not they want to keep dating.

[L.J.]

From your last post I know that she is looking for something more longterm (ie leading to marriage). I don't see myself as being this person. Her age isn't important, but I feel like she is looking for something more thant I am. Having been recently divorced, I don't know if I'm ready for a serious relationship.

 

Making things harder are my feelings for a friend.

 

 

I didn't think you are wrong in breaking up with her. Whether it's 3 weeks or 3 months, whether she's hurting or not is not the point. More important that not, in your previous post, in your own words, you knew she was looking for something more and you seemed pretty sure, least in your own words that you have nothing "long term" to offer.

 

"Having been recently divorced, I don't know if I'm ready for a serious relationship." Quote, unquote ... your words again.

 

Are you ready now for a relationship with your current co-worker, or for that matter ... with anybody? See my point ?

 

You sounded like a reasonable guy so don't concern yourself whether or not you are a jerk. I'd rather think about whether or not I'm ready to be in a relationship or if I have anything intrinsic to bring to the table. People get hurt if I don't ... be it 3 weeks, 3 months or 3 years.

[L.J.]

I think it's unfair for to myself to continue to ignore my feelings

 

And you are right. You shouldn't ignore your own feelings .... nor the feelings of others.

[BillyJean714]

When you mention GF, that's a whole different ball game compared to 'casual dating.'

 

Anyway, I'm over it. I guess it's pointless to argue with someone who obviously doesn't think that using people is wrong.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Are you ready now for a relationship with your current co-worker, or for that matter ... with anybody? See my point ?

 

I understand your point.

 

Right now my relationship with my coworker isn't that serious. We haven't really talked about family, and kids (my ex gf had talked about wanting all that stuff--which might have scared me). My ex also said she didn't want to waste time with people if it didn't lead to something serious. My current gf and I haven't really talked about it.

[LostInMyThoughts]

I guess it's pointless to argue with someone who obviously doesn't see that using people is wrong.

 

Please explain to me how I was using my ex.

[L.J.]

I understand your point.

 

Right now my relationship with my coworker isn't that serious. We haven't really talked about family, and kids (my ex gf had talked about wanting all that stuff--which might have scared me). My ex also said she didn't want to waste time with people if it didn't lead to something serious. My current gf and I haven't really talked about it.

 

You are missing the point again !!

So if your co-worker is serious .. and later on want all that stuff, YOU ARE GOING TO DUMP HER ? Keep dumping and dumping until you are ready to be serious?

[L.J.]

What's your purpose to be in a relationship anyway if you are not intending it to progress to something serious?

[LostInMyThoughts]

You are missing the point again !!

So if your co-worker is serious .. and later on want all that stuff, YOU ARE GOING TO DUMP HER ? Keep dumping and dumping until you are ready to be serious?

 

Okay calm down dude.

 

I said it wasn't serious. She and I both have an understanding about the level of our relationship.

 

What do you think relationships are? Some magical puzzle that just fits?

 

It takes time. You feel each other out. If she wants something serious, and I don't want something serious, then yeah the relationship will probably end.

 

You need to realize that just because you don't agree with how I define my relationship, it doesn't make them more or less wrong. Once I saw my ex and I weren't on the same page, I ended it.

 

I *thought* I wanted a serious relationship going into my previous one. I found out that wasn't the case.

 

What do you expect me to do? Hang out by myself and have a crazy party?

[bachinit]

^^ I have to agree with L.J. that it sort of appears that there might be some commitment issues here, but let me ask you this. What if there wasn't the co-worker that you enjoy spending time with (or anybody else). Do you think you would have kept the relationship going with the ex, knowing what she was looking for from you?

 

My point is, no relationship is perfect and as L.J. says, what's the use in having one if you aren't going to commit yourself to it? Unless you are both in it for booty calls and companionship, somebody is going to get hurt.

 

Personally, I commend you for breaking it off when you did and to her face. But something tells me that you had feelings for this co-worker girl even prior to entering into this other woman's life. Why didn't you pursue that one to begin with?

 

Also, I can tell you from experience that workplace romances are extremely difficult to pull off successfully. One ex of mine got transferred to a sister company because she was living with me and we both worked together. It didn't effect our relationship in the end luckily, but it did strain it for a while because she liked her old job better.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Good questions Bachinit.

 

I probably would not have ended as soon as I did. My coworker helped me see what I really wanted in a relationship. I struggled with making sure I was breaking up because I didn't see a future with her, instead of breaking up to be with someone else.

 

I understand no relationship is perfect (I was married less than a year ago); but that has nothing to do with commitment.

 

How do you define commitment?

If I got laid off tomorrow (good possibility actually), would I stick around just for my coworker? Probably not.

 

Do I want to date other women? No.

 

Would I give up my dreams for this person? Right now, no. I am my own person and until I die, my duty is to myself. That sounds selfish, but in the end, I am responsible for myself and only myself.

 

My level of commitment changes as the relationship progresses. I'm not going to tell my s.o that I will give up my life for her; because our relationship is new. I think thats being dishonest. Later down the road, we're still together and marriage is a viable option, then yeah I might say that.

 

Regarding the feelings for this person; I've posted about this before. I thought I had gotten over my feelings for her. I felt like she didn't want to have a relationship with me, because she didn't have time. I thought that I could just be friends with her. Once I had made up my mind, I determined that it was okay for me to date other people (believe me, when I was actively courting my coworker, I didn't see any other girls). Prior to being exclusive with my ex; I asked my coworker to go to a party with me, just as a friend. Then after I was "exclusive" with my ex, I went to the party and realized something was missing from my relationship. I gave it a week to see if things would change; it didn't. Like I've written before; I may not have given it enuff time, but how do you know enuff is enuff? I felt like I would have to cut ties with my friend, or cut ties with my ex.

 

Obviously I chose the latter.

[L.J.]

What do you think relationships are? Some magical puzzle that just fits?

 

It takes time. You feel each other out. If she wants something serious, and I don't want something serious, then yeah the relationship will probably end.

 

I understand it's not a puzzle that magically fits. Bachinit gets it. Of course it takes time to feel each other out. You know you don't want something serious so even if it magically fits, it doesn't make a difference, is it not?

 

Expect you to hang out by yourself? Oh no, of course not. No one should be hurt or be alone because they don't want to be in a relationship, but it sound like you want to be in a relationship.

 

 

 

 

______________________

 

He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep.

[Dako]

I think this fellow deserves a break.

His history here always convinced me he's a decent guy, and I don't agree completely with him in this case, but he's not Satan incarnate.

[annie24]

well.... for all of you who have read the book "He's just not that into you" , you know the line, "I don't want a relationship" MEANS "I don't want a relationship.... with you." So, he dated one girl for 3 weeks, and decided he didn't want a relationship with her, but met a really awesome woman he thinks he might want a relationship with.

 

what's the big deal? why are people coming down so hard on him? Haven't you ever been on 3 or 4 dates with someone, and then realized that they weren't the one for you??? Seriously, I just don't see it as a big deal.

 

At least he broke it off with her! I know lots of people would just continue seeing both women.

[RayKay]

I don't see why he did something so wrong, he ended it before he started seeing someone else, and while he may have had some DOUBTS he did WANT things to work with his ex. I don't think he went into it with bad intent.

 

I would say it is hard to find someone whom has not "hoped" for something to work out only to find it wouldn't. Alright, so he was not sure he wanted a relationship, understandable after a a bad breakup, divorce or what have you. Does not mean that when the right person comes along that sometimes maybe, it just feels right and mean he should NOT get in one if he feels right about it now.

 

Sometimes you need to spend a bit of time with someone to see that it is not going to work out, you can't predict so before you do! And sometimes, you end up seeing someone you have known a long time through new eyes. As long as he ended things with this other woman, well, then I wish him the best of luck.

[CarnelianButterfly]

what's the big deal? why are people coming down so hard on him?

 

I think its mostly the shock that he broke up with one lady and was hooked up with another that night. Its not like there's a waiting period, but some might feel its a little insulting to his ex to be hopping from one relationship to the next so soon when his reason for ending it was commitment conflicts. It does seem like he was unloading the ex so that he could be with the new woman.

[annie24]

well... maybe if the relationship were longer, I could be also offended by a 24 hour switch-off.... but 3 weeks... that is like... 5-6 dates. there's no significant committment made in that time.

 

imagine if you had to marry the first person you were together with for 3 weeks. yikes!

[blueangel_one]

I don't think it matters if it was 3 weeks or 3 years - it sounded pretty serious. If it really wasn't serious, then would he really be having such a difficult time breaking up; posting here?

 

LostInMyThoughts, i'm not trying to judge you - i am trying to understand you. You sound like my ex, wanting to try but not with your whole heart. Part of you is always elsewhere...sort of blaming us for something missing in the relationship. But how can you really try when you are not really all there? Like ILikePasta stated, many of us have been where your ex has been. I am not saying you should have stayed and worked things out; it was good that you were honest with your ex now. I don't think you were being fair to anyone (not you or the girls). You said you resolved your feelings for the co-worker, but then you didn't let her go.

 

You stated that you broke up b/c you didn't see a future with her, not b/c you wanted to be with someone else. Like L.J. stated, it sounds like you want a relationship. Why not take a break and be single for awhile?

 

You've already dealt with the obstacle of starting something with a co-worker. Now, all you have to be "committed" to is finding out what that something is with your whole heart.

 

Just a few of my thoughts.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Serious is how you define it. I wouldn't have quit my job for my ex, but I was "serious" enuff to want an exclusive relationship.

 

Believe me, this wasn't a decision I made lightly. I gave it a lot of thought, talked it over with my friends, on here, and with myself.

 

The time matters because that's how much of one's life was invested. If it was 3 years, I would have more than likely made a different decision.

 

I've also been where my ex has been, except I was married; and the relationship was 3 years, and my ex-wife didn't have the character to end our marriage before she got involved with someone else.

 

I never blamed my ex-gf for the lack of spark. It takes *TWO* people for a relationship to work.

 

I gave it thought; if I were to give it 100%, I felt like I had to give up my friend. I didn't want to do that. At that point, I realized my relationship was in big trouble. I ended it.

 

Prior to all this, I had been single for 4 months; after 3-weeks, I didn't feel that I needed a break.

 

I should mention that I spoke with my therapist, about an hour after I ended the relationship; we talked about my feelings about how it went down, and he (like a few others) felt that following my heart was the right thing. He also felt that I didn't need any real down time. He then gave me a hug and said he was excited for my new relationship.

 

Thanks for the comment about giving it my all; in my heart I feel like I can give 100% (except at work) to this relationship.

 

I feel really good. Like a kid. It's so great.

 

I'm sorry for everyone that got dumped and felt like they had to take it out on me. One day the bitterness will end. Till then keep up the hate. I don't mind.

[Lady Bugg]

Ok ..EVERYONE here has very very valid points..........but the bottom line for ME is that LIMT DID contemplate this breakup to the best of his ability. He KNEW there were going to be hurt feelings..and he didn't want to be the bad guy. How many "dumpees" here WISH there ex showed those characteristics?? PLENTY I am sure. How many dumpees have we heard say..."he dumped me via text"..."he disappeared in the night never to be seen again".....etc etc etc. .....LIMT DID display integrity in breaking up with this woman. Yes...he had an interest in another woman....but at LEAST he had the integrity to end his current 3 WEEK relationship...BEFORE pursuing another one. I have NO doubt this was not an easy decision for this guy...based on all his posts...........he seems pretty upstanding. No one is 100% perfect...EVER...especially in matters of the heart...so please cut this guy some slack. He's a good man.

[jenny_mcs]

Wow, I can't believe the harshness directed toward the original poster.

 

The whole purpose of dating someone, being in a relationship with someone, is finding out if you are compatible, finding out if they are someone you want more with.

 

So after a few weeks, he figures out he doesn't want more, and ends things. That sounds pretty normal to me!