She's leaving

[JazzGtr]

And I'm devastated. I completely deserve it but I have to find a way to keep it from happening.

 

We've been together for 9 years, married for 7. We went through two divorces to get together in the first place. I've completely wrecked the best thing I ever had. I wouldn't say I was overly jealous but her daughter, friends, family, etc. were some of the things I didn't do well with. She's going to stay with her sister for awhile. She says we might be able to work it out but she's got years of pain and resentment to get over. She won't enroll in counseling at this time. She just needs space.

 

How do I make her love me again?

 

 

 

-wp

[JazzGtr]

I should probably add to this.

 

Her family lives in California and, being somewhat financially challenged, they are very close and lean on each other a lot. She and I are somewhat affluent and I think she feels guilt over this. We also kind of rushed into our relationship and we didn't talk as much as we should so I kind of misjudged what her family relationships were all about. She didn't really make many overtures at first about seeing them so I figured she didn't want to. She mentioned abuse by her father and step mother. I had no idea until a couple of years ago that she needed her family so much. She tells me I pitted myself against her family. I guess there's some merit to that. If I had it to do over again, I'd sure do it differently.

 

Her daughter was the same story. Very close. Very affectionate. They'd lay on each other on the couch. I thought she was making kind of a lap baby out of her so I'd roll my eyes. I so totally misjudged that relationship and her need for it.

 

Same as her family, she didn't really demonstrate the need for a circle of friends so I thought I was enough for her. Turns out she avoided a lot of contact with people because of me. I'd ask when she'd be home, etc. and, like anyone else, from time to time resisted her going out but I guess I messed that one up too.

 

She hates Arizona and hates being away from her family. I wonder if she blames me for being "stuck" here. We met here.

 

I've never cheated on her and she's never cheated on me. I've never even thought about it. I don't think she has either. I'm a kind of "trust but verify" person having been screwed over in my first relationship ever. I have never had a single reason to distrust her. But I did a horrible job of showing trust in her.

 

She's been unhappy for a long time and a lot of stuff has built up but does this sound like two people who should get divorced? I'll do anything. Give her space, change my attitudes, I drink a couple of drinks a night and I'll give that up happily. This all seems so extreme.

 

Help.

 

 

 

-wp

[Diablo7000]

well you're married, i'm not soo I might be stepping outa line if i am just over look me and listen to some other people, but maybe you should just give her some space, i mean like wait a few days and just call to check on her and see how shes doing, you didn't really give a whole lot of details about her daughter,friends and stuff like whats going on with that do you just not get along? for that, the best thing i can say is try, I mean if you love this lady then you're gunna have to make things work, if she says she loves you, then aout 85% of the time a girl says that, it's true and the otehr 15% is just girls that are slts who cheat on you and she doesn't sound like the type to do this, soo maybe she elft because you are jealous of her friends when really theres nothing to worry about... just trying to understand the situation, if this don't help, over look it

[Diablo7000]

and for her sake, i'd give p the drinking to, especially if she doesn't like it, cas if she doesn' and u keep doing it, it won't get you any further then u are now..

 

and about the whole resisting her from going out, now that u udnerstand the situation u just gave yourself good advice saying that u didnt kno she really needed a circle of friends because of what her life's been thro in the past, i'd stop drinking, rethink everything thro and decide to change for her if youw ant it all to work out.. it can't hurt nothing.. and let her go out with friends every so often, they need that, and if you like ask if u can take ehr sumwhere one night, just you and her, like a dinner or something movie it doesn't matter, make a hot bath for her whenever she tells you shes coming home, if she does tell you...

[JazzGtr]

Thank you for replying. I'm definitely going to try and give her some space. We have a lot of happy memories and I hope those are the ones she associates with me soon.

 

About her and her relationship with her daughter. Her daughter was only 2 when we got together so she's called me Dad her whole speaking life. I have been resentful of that relationship because they are so close. I could have been so much better as a dad to her daughter. And I could have been so much better of a husband if I didn't make her feel bad for spending so much time with her daughter. I truly screwed up.

 

She doesn't have many friends. Her sister lives here. I never asked her not to acquire friends. But I never encouraged it either. And the only true friends I have live out of town. We live kind of in the suburbs so pretty much any activity requires quite a bit of driving.

 

I wish she'd slammed me a couple of years ago before the damage amassed. I'm the kind of person who needs a deadline or an ultimatum to do the right thing sometimes.

 

I kind of need space as well. I've been so frustrated with being unable to make her happy that I've been quite stressed myself.

 

But we love each other. At least I think she still loves me. Someone tell me it won't end here. I'll change.

 

I've already changed.

 

 

 

-wp

[JazzGtr]

Yes, I'm giving up drinking immediately.

 

-wp

[Diablo7000]

heres something uc an change, i've noticed in all ur posts you're pretty negative to yourself

 

"And I could have been so much better of a husband if I didn't make her feel bad for spending so much time with her daughter. I truly screwed up."

 

it maybe true, but change that stuff around, maybe if i spend time with ehr daughter and be a good dad but spend time with the woman I love the most to, if you decide to change for ehr and do thigns right this time for sure and don't let things slip outa line, then she'll wanna be there with you and you'll be able to make even more memories together. my last relationship definitely wasnt the best, even wrose then what you've got I loved her so much that i ahd to elt her go, thats hard, but I think you can change, if you believe enoguh in yourself to do so, it'll happen

[JazzGtr]

Thanks. I'm negative because she's totally right and I've known it all along. I have done everything she said I did. I was sorry the minute I did it but I never corrected it even though she told me it hurt her.

 

I can't spend time with her daughter because she's back in California with her dad. She sent her there to have both their insurance cover her braces and, as she tells me this morning, because she didn't want her to see this.

 

-wp

[robowarrior]

You two are on a completely different frequency, im asking myself if you two have been communicating at all =\ , not to sound disrespectfull but the only way you can learn to know what is going inside of her head, is constantly asking questions on her well being and how she feels about issues. Its not the idea that you make her into an emotional wreckage but you need to get the clear hints out of her which makes you understand her , so you can take her points of view into consideration. That's why you two should have a more intimate relationship, now you two are on the level of breaking up and turning into complete strangers for eachother. She's not happy, that's a red alert for any husband. Normally they'd do everything reasonably possible to make the lady of the house reside in comfort and doing this by dealing with the issues that are bugging her.

 

What you have done is just purely disrespect her on all the possible levels available. For your information, couples are supposed to make eachother HAPPY. Did she go with you so you could make her life miserable, to separate her from who she loves, and even if you can't go along with her family, you don't have to bad about it, and give her the space to visit them. She is a person who clings on for support, you as her husband should be the anchor of support that she can lean on (not misabuse) and you should provide her with all the love and support that you can give her, but no...

 

Instead arguments,misunderstanding and fighting takes place,

 

The darkness and hatred that you two have been pouring into eachothers lives, has acted like poison, and you better fully understand that even small arguments can lead to BIG breakups. its like giving a spin to the wheel of hatred, if she argues with you and gives a spin, and you argue back and give another spin, viola the hatred goes on forever. No wonder she wants to jump out, you are bringing her nothing but solitude and pain, who wants to stay with a person that only brings misery in their lives? No one, so stop acting like that , and only bring love and light into her life on a continues basis, give her the space she needs , and comfort her, act as a support beam that doesn't break that she is able to lean on. That's your job as a husband, to provide security,comfort and love.

 

Just live your life the other way around and it should be allright, remember a relationship is all about being together, and giving eachother room to do their own thing. Don't deny her ,her love for her family. You don't have the right to interfere at such a point.

[Diablo7000]

man i feel bad with you, i'm trying to put myself in your positiona nd ic an see it's hard on you, would be on me too, i think you should give her a few days space, and also yourself, if she calls, answer and talk but dnt mention anythinga bout are we gunna get back together or are we gunna divorce, dnt cas her to think about it right now, just kidna give her space, i think u need to give yourself space to, maybe just go out one nite, maybe seem kinda boring but idk.. get otua the hosue and go to a lcoal bowling alley and bowl some games and have fun, and if she calls and leaves a message, call her back and if she asks where u were tell her if asks who with say by yourself, if she asks why? then just say you wanted to get outa the house and idk... she may feel bad you went alone, teller you might go again in a day or to and ask if she wants to get, tell her to think about it and when she calls back then ask if she wants to go the day before.. or to a movie, and if she says yes, this is your chance to prove everything right, go to the movie, the ride home just teller you've thotabout things, teller how u really feel, that u want things the way they used to be...and that u've chanegd given up drinking, and that you wanna change for her and be the person shes always wanted to be with.. but u got be committed to that stuff, dnt say it and not do it..

[JazzGtr]

All true and totally fair. I can't believe I've done this. We never fight though. In fact, all day as she's been packing we've hugged and basically acted like nothing is wrong. I've never yelled at her once. I've certainly never contemplated hitting her or anything.

 

But you're right. All I can do now is pray I guess.

 

-wp

[JazzGtr]

She won't call. I'll have to call her. I told her everything I've said here this morning and I meant it - still do. And if she gives me a chance to prove it, I'll be the best husband ever.

 

I just hope she gives me the chance.

 

-wp

[Diablo7000]

well shes not calling and if you keep calling everyday you're not giving her very much space, if you're waiting a few days, good on you, but just ask her if she wants to go do something, won't hurt anything, the worse she could say is no right? thats not wat you wanna here but if she does say yes, thats yoour chance to prove everything right

[JazzGtr]

well shes not calling and if you keep calling everyday you're not giving her very much space, if you're waiting a few days, good on you, but just ask her if she wants to go do something, won't hurt anything, the worse she could say is no right? thats not wat you wanna here but if she does say yes, thats yoour chance to prove everything right

 

Well, she hasn't actually left yet. She only told me when we woke up this morning. I intend to give her as much space as my broken heart will let me.

 

-wp

[Diablo7000]

ya i can understand that, just take it one day at a time, try not to think so hard on it, something tells me she really does love you, has she ever left like this before?

[JazzGtr]

ya i can understand that, just take it one day at a time, try not to think so hard on it, something tells me she really does love you, has she ever left like this before?

 

No, she's never even threatened. That's why this is so devastating. I knew she was unhappy - and I certainly wasn't doing what I should have done to fix it - but I had no idea it was this bad.

 

-wp

[Diablo7000]

maybe shes trying to prove to you that you're doing something wrong and this is to just make you think how things could be if she really does deicde to divorce you, i think she does love you, but shes knows as well as you know, you were doing something wrong, maybe she'll come back and think maybe/hopefully he's changed, and it's your job to pove that

[JazzGtr]

maybe shes trying to prove to you that you're doing something wrong and this is to just make you think how things could be if she really does deicde to divorce you, i think she does love you, but shes knows as well as you know, you were doing something wrong, maybe she'll come back and think maybe/hopefully he's changed, and it's your job to pove that

 

I'd appreciate if you'd pray she gives me the chance. If she's trying to send me a message, it sure was received.

 

-wp

[Diablo7000]

i pray alot, i'm a christian and love going to church, maybe sicne you give up the drinking, maybe you should try that if you believe in that such thing =) and she may even wanna go with you to that, that'll really prove something, but i'll deffinately pray for you

[JazzGtr]

i pray alot, i'm a christian and love going to church, maybe sicne you give up the drinking, maybe you should try that if you believe in that such thing =) and she may even wanna go with you to that, that'll really prove something, but i'll deffinately pray for you

 

Thank you so much for that. I truly appreciate it.

 

-wp

[Diablo7000]

hope advice from a 17 year old can help you lol,

[JazzGtr]

hope advice from a 17 year old can help you lol,

 

I'll take advice from anybody at this point. I know what I've done though. I just hope she gives me the chance to fix it. She's the most wonderful person I've ever met.

 

-wp

[Diablo7000]

well i think you've got everything you wanna make right now and i think u can do it if she gives you the chance, prayers are with you man, i'll ttyl =)

 

-Zack

[JazzGtr]

well i think you've got everything you wanna make right now and i think u can do it if she gives you the chance, prayers are with you man, i'll ttyl =)

 

-Zack

 

Thanks man.

 

-wp

[Diablo7000]

hey do u have like AIM or yahoo messenger?