Getting Past the Unexpected Contact! -FCTex

[FCTex]

First off, this might be a tad long, and I apologize, but more importantly, I'm going to roughly go through what just happened to me, and I'm going to possibly add some insight that others might find helpful in a similar situation...

 

Me and my ex have been broken up for 15 months. Yes, a good while. We've had contact, even attempting to get back together once for good, but never made it work. We both have relationships right now, and for the most part, they are healthy from what I gather.. I got months without anything from her, and like wise. I don't call, text, e-mail, check her profiles... I don't even run into her, and I hang out with her brother, and her family still, and live 2 blocks from her..

 

 

It's been well over 3-4 months since I've seen her last..

 

Last night she calls me.. Woke me from a deep sleep at close to 2AM.. I have 10 missed calls on my phone from her, and a panicky voicemail, asking me to call her back.. I figured it was her needed a ride home from a bar or something.. But instead, her brother was drunk, had thrown her down, and was going to get into a fight with some other people over something that had happened..

 

I like the kid like a brother, and didn't see the harm in helping. I'm pretty well over my ex, and I'm in a decent relationship myself.. I've been taken for a ride by my ex before, I know the same old song and dance so to speak.

 

I meet up with her and another girl, and they follow me to the house.. I talked to her brother for about 30 minutes, calmed him down, told him to apologize to his sister, and everything was good.. I told him to tell her I was leaving..

 

She came running over, grabbed my arm and wrapped herself near me, and asked if I could take her home.. So I took her home.. She sat quiet for the most part, just asking what I told her brother.. Then when I get to her place, I pulled up, and waited for her to get out... Instead.. she looks at me and asks how I am, and wants to catch up. We small talk for a while...

 

Then she looks at me, right into my eyes, and she's crying... she grabs my hand off the gear shifter, holds it tight, and tells me she loves me and cares about me still. I ask her why, and she tells me that she thinks of me alot, and misses me the same amount, and thinks it's more than she should sometimes after this long..

 

I tell her I miss her sometimes too and love her, but that people can do that and be apart... She ignored that, and told me she was unhappy in life, and wishes she could fix it all, and that we'd rewind this past year and she knows she'd be happy still..

 

She tells me she's been diagnosed with an eating disorder, tells me she had nothing good going for her other than school and classes, and all the trouble she's having with herself..

 

It broke me down inside to see someone who projects being on top of the world sometimes, really show me what going on.. She said she didn't want me to hate her, and that just really misses me...

 

She just sat in my truck, crying.. Wanting to hug me, and cry on my neck and shoulders... She kept saying she was sorry, and that she knew I had to go, but that she didn't want me too... Incidentally, a CD I had in playing, was something we used to listen too, and she stopped crying, and smiled and commented about it..

 

As she was getting out, she gave me another long hug, cried some more, pulled back, looked me in the eyes, kissed my head, and my cheek, and told me she loved me, and thanked me for helping her and her brother...

 

 

I drove home with a smile at 4AM... I just didn't know how to process it all..She's broken down before like this, mainly because she knows she can't hide it from me, but what got me.. Was, while I cared, I didn't.. I didn't say anything back to her that made me feel vulnerable. I didn't want to ask about reconcilliation. I didn't care almost. I got a little out of the fact she said all of that..

 

She even texted me before she went to bed, thanking me, and telling me to have sweet dreams. She even called me "honey", "babe" and a pet name she used to call me when we dated..

 

It was just strange. Almost too much, out of no where..

 

 

But what I did, was nothing.. I bowed out. I took my thanks and I left like that..

 

Do I love her? Sure.. I won't ever not. Thats true love at it's finest. I do care about her and it did break my heart to see her unhappy, and to see her not doing well, but at the same time I feel it's her bed and she made it, so sleep in it..

 

She's wanting to be a marriage/family counselor... I laughed a little, because she's someone who I can read like a book, and the fact that she couldn't hold a solid trustworthy relationship with me past 1.5 years, and the fact that she's cheated on her boyfriend of over a year now, is proof that she has no clue how to be responsible with relationships....

 

I took it for what it was worth. Her just missing me, and seeing me just brings that pain back to her.. She's fine when I'm not mentioned, but has the softest spot for me..

 

 

I drove home, laid in bed, and took it all in... The smell of her on my clothes hit me the hardests to be honest. Smell is something that just left me with a tear in my eye.. I was so comforted smelling my shirt that had been against her when we hugged..Sometimes I can dream of us still working it out. I could dream of the family and the life we'd have together that was so worked out and exciting.. But at the same time, I see her for what she's shown me, and regardless of the actions and said words, she's never done what really needed to be done, and that was decide what she wanted.. I would love one day, years from now to have the fairytale reconcilliation. Sometimes I would love the new woman, or my current girlfriend to just spark something in my heart and to take me for a ride like my ex did..

 

 

I didn't tell anyone of this contact. I didn't tell a friend, my girlfriend.. I didn't tell a soul but on here... She hasn't contacted me at all today, and I haven't.. Neitheir of us will. We'll continue the cycle of months on end with nothing, and then the chance meeting of us both, to where she'll fall back again, and we will rinse-and-repeat...

 

 

For those with contact with their ex'es or those that expect it coming... Just take heed, and slow down.. Stop your leg from shaking, stop thinking of what to say, or do, or how to act, and just take it all it for face value. Don't think it's a plead to take them back, or to work it out. Don't spill your guts and feel like crap the next day. It's okay to have contact with them in the future, you can do it. Be adult about it, be polite, respect each other, and regardless of the advancements of you, or your ex, keep your common goal you made during the healing process in mind.

 

Mine was no relationship, no friends.. If I wasn't her boyfriend, I was nothing. And while I helped her out, I did it for her brother, and I didn't really care if I saw her or not. If I speak to her, and tell her something, that small contact we have every month or 4, doesn't mean I'm a friend of hers..

 

Hold your heads up everyone.. Get to a good place and relax. Take it all in and slow it down. We all speed up to get over all of this, and fail to realize that going slow sometimes leads you to a happier ending.

[poetsheart]

Fc Tex, very, very proud of you.... you have really come through this and shown strength when you needed to, dignity and self respect. That would have been so hard, you have really shown how to act with grace and confidence..

 

Thankyou so much for sharing that, it's really inspirational...

[friscodj]

Wow...great post FC...

 

I was about to offer some words but you pretty much covered everything yourself. I am so impressed with your healthy and realistic perspective on this.

 

I guess the only thing I will say is to focus on the lady you are in a relationship with right now and apply the wisdom and insight you expressed here to that relationship.

 

And I'd make sharing moments like this in the future with your new lady a priority. You know things won't work out with your ex so put this situation to rest. No need to stir up the pot of emotions anymore...

[FCTex]

Thanks... I just want everyone to know its not the terrible thing we make it out to be.. to be surprised by our ex's and contacted....

 

If anything to get as much or more than I did, I can see how hard it would be to be confused..

 

I'm too smart and too worthy to drop my life to work it out with her after one night of confessions and crying... No Thanks.

[FCTex]

Frisco,

 

Exactly my point.. I really couldn't see going about it any other way. Regardless of what my ex does from this, which if history repeats, would be nothing, I don't care!

 

I care for the girl greatly, and even confess that I love her. But I finally see that I don't need her. I don't see anything being worked out, or even infactly me wanting to work it out at this point. That was so 6-8 months ago.

 

I'm just proud I could hold myself to her. I'm glad that the awkward silence wasn't that awkward when I would have just blown my heart all over the car..

 

 

It was a wonderful experience to see the full circle.. To finally be the one NOT crying and spilling my heart in that car... I remember over a year ago, being the one, red faced, tears all over my lap and my face, screaming, crying, pleading, wondering.. praying... the whole nine yards.. And finally I'm dry eye'd, and strong, in the same seat, in the same car with the same girl, and I could drive away and keep myself together and be fine..

[Captain34]

way to go Tex! Only thing I might have doen differently was tell her that you couldnt bring her home. I would have either done that or taken her home and gotten some love....but then again you are in a relationship.

 

I feel like you chose the harder option by driving her home. Maybe that is a sign that you are doing very well man. I bet she is hurting a reat deal right now. That is unfortunate and I know you don't like that, but she is a big girl and has to deal with the consequences of her actions.

 

some of the other details you mentioned made clear that our situations share even more similarities. how crazy is it hat we both run into our ex's on the same night??

 

you're in the driver's seat, keep it up man.

[friscodj]

Then she looks at me, right into my eyes, and she's crying... she grabs my hand off the gear shifter, holds it tight, and tells me she loves me and cares about me still. I ask her why, and she tells me that she thinks of me alot, and misses me the same amount, and thinks it's more than she should sometimes after this long..

 

I guess the only other point I'd like to add here after re-reading your original post and your responses is that you are in a stronger place with all of this closer to indifference but I'm not so sure she is.

 

You mention how proud you were of yourself that you did not break down but look what she did! I don't think she is over this by any means...

 

With that said, I think your confessions of love are making things worse FC. Now that you have reached your stronger place with this, I believe some responsibility comes with that in the way of thinking about her feelings too. I would try to make some definite emotional distance with this my friend for her sake and avoid future situations like this with her at all costs.

[Captain34]

friscodj,

 

i really hear you on this. I feel like Tex and I are in similar positions here and i understand what you are saying about responsibility.

 

i just don't think that im that far ahead of my ex to do what you suggest should be done.

[friscodj]

Hey Captain-

 

I'm not familiar with your situation but I've found that deciding things are done, cutting it clean, disappearing for a while, letting the emotions settle down hurts both people a lot at first, but ultimately is the best way for both people to reach a place of peace with things faster.

 

If either person has feelings like FC described of his ex's, distance and time are the only solutions to take care of both people's feelings and sanity, and believe me, I've tried damn near every other way imaginable besides distance and time to reach that end...

[JoeWho]

FCTEX

 

This is a great post. It proves to many of the newly broken up people that with time feelings change. You sound like you are in a great place now. I am happy for you. Thank you for taking the time to share your story!

[FCTex]

Frisco,

 

I think... wait.. I KNOW she's been hiding this for a long time.. Like Captain has said before.. I KNOW what she's thinking, just can't force her to admit it or act on it.

 

Regardless of WHERE she is with this.. She obviously knows it's been a clean get away and we're cut clean in two. The time alone led to that.

 

As for what I said to her, to make it worse.. It's not like that I don't think. She and I wont talk again or see each other for a long while again. She talks of me, I know.. From her parents and brother, but she and I won't ever have contact again for a while(history tells me this..).

 

So by me doing that, she's heard it before, time and time again, months and months ago... It's nothing new, and nothing ground shattering to her to hear it. If she finally realizes I loved her this much, and is sad by the realization, then ultimately, I don't care, because she missed the memo years ago.

 

One thing I do know is, regardless of what she said, I know it doesn't change me... Maybe it hit a soft spot a little, and kinda made me miss her for that 45 minutes we chatted.. But when I drove away, I was proud I did that. I was proud I didn't stay the night with her, I'm proud I held myself to some morals this go around, and kept to myself.

 

But more importantly, it just shows that she's shared these same sentiments 3 out of 5 times I see her. It proves to me she doesn't know what she's doing, doesn't know what she wants and doesn't have a solid backing for anything she's doing.. I mean she's in a relationship, and tells me this? She's BEEN telling me this on and off for a year now?

 

I mean, how long does it take someone to figure it out, and ultimately act on it?

 

I hate it for her. But I'm not her friend. I'm just a guy who she broke apart and shattered for a moment.. Maybe God has some plans for us in the future, or maybe not. I'm not counting on it or counting it out..

 

But I think the bottomline most people need to keep in mind is to keep yourself happy, and regardless if the truth hurts, live with it, and accept it, and it only becomes easier to swallow in the end.. And who knows, it's much nicer to be surprised than to be let down.

 

I've just in the past months gotten the, "I'm fine, I don't care if you are" feelings towards it all, and most of the time I'm just indifferent about her and the whole thing.

[friscodj]

Hey FC-

 

Don't get me wrong, I am very happy that you are over your ex and proud of yourself for not folding given her sentimental expression. And it certainly does get better, that message was well conveyed as well...

 

Now be gone and stay gone! If you guys do cross paths again, no need to share sentiments to stir up the emotions for further "tests". The history of this ends here...

[FCTex]

Thats definitely how I intend it to be....

 

We both seem to do a great job of keeping the paths separate, only she calls me sometimes to help her. Usually if she's at a party and wants to leave or if something happened, and she needs a ride.

 

In any case..

 

I think this all just reapplied everything to me of why I do what I do, and why what I've done was the right thing to do.

 

I'm glad to be where I am... Gone from her, the situation. Free from the drama the stress and the pain, and in a relationship with someone who wants nothing more than for me to love them like they love me.

[sandyv]

Yeah the feelings do change.... I'm feeling alot different than 6 weeks ago... I hear my ex Jack is missing me, he's even sent mutual friends with this message... I'm still not going to bite... nope... no way

[Juha]

FC told my ex the same thing... No relationship no friends..

 

Told her I can't be her friend... We see each other once in a while in a chance meeting she will contact me every so often...

 

She will flirt with me and I will tell her been there done that when you want to know me you know how to contact me...

 

She just does not get it... she has a boyfriend but never mentions him to me the few times we have talked...I never contact her and she tells me we need to make plans call me or we need to do something together or compliments me...

 

I believe she thinks I will be there for there for her when/if she decides she wants me back...

 

One time I had called a while back and left a message and she never called back I told her it was rude to not call someone back and she told me her phone was broke and she said I would call again...I called because she said we need to make plans and get together....

 

Never again.... DOne with this girl and her immature behavior...I love her to death and would do anything for her but I am done with it...

 

I actually feel sorry for her boyfriend, he does not know what he has gotten himself into... She has him wrapped around her little finger, he does what ever she wants him to do...I fits that he is immature also....

[FCTex]

Juha,

 

You've learned the same way I have..

 

My ex does/did the same darn thing, and it just got old! Why make plans with me when you have a boyfriend? Why sleep with me when you have a boyfriend? Why compliment me, why go out with me and do activities and let other people see/think we are okay?

 

She doesn't talk about her relationship, other than it's not "great". She always asks how I'm doing and how my relationship is.

 

The great question you need to ask:

 

Why the hell does it matter to you?

 

 

I remember months ago. I felt like crap calling/texting her back and getting ignored. It's much easier to just be the one ignoring..

 

I'm not open to her offers to hang out, or to reconcile.

 

Maybe if years have passed, I was single, she was single and we started chatting it up one day randomly.. I could maybe give an inkling of attention to the idea.

 

But thats all neither here, nor there.

[Juha]

FC I don't remember if when you broke up with your ex if she would talk to you about the relationship???

 

Mine ran away and would never talk to me about our relationship... SHe would give a few bits and pieces but never would...Told me she would when she was ready, well I am still waiting...I tried to initiate and she would say I don't want to not now...

 

Oh, she also lied to everybody about the breakup, told them it was mutual...

 

WHen in fact she just ran away and left me one day... Her fmaily did finally find out she lied about the breakup...Guess she wanted to save face with them becasue they all love me to death...

 

I really just want to send an email to her now saying/asking what her deal is with how she acts, the things she says, and then backs off...Where I stand and if she ever wants to truly know me she knows how to contact me...

[FCTex]

Juha,

 

Bottomline, me and my ex do a good job of keeping our paths from crossing. I still think of her from time to time, but less fondly than I used too.

 

I'm assuming from the way she acts and the things she says and does, that she still think of me once in a while..

 

As for what comes of it? Ever think about what your gonna eat for lunch each day? It's kinda like that. Thinking of her, is on the same level of what I'm planning to do for lunch.. When it passes, it's done and thats all for the day.

[surviveitall]

Tex, I have to say your story was the most compelling I've read in a long time, and is what prompted me to join this site. About a year ago I filed for divorce, it became final this February. The last time I ever saw her was in January. I long to have the meeting you've had with your ex, but I don't think it will ever come to pass.

 

We were married for seven years. When we married, she was the sweetest thing ever. But due to my job, we moved to Southern California and she started hanging around with some trashy "party" girls at work and doing the girls night out thing. I was working a lot, and didn't want to be controlling, so I said nothing. Her tastes in music changed, she got really into hard core rap and started talking all "ghetto". She quit sleeping with me pretty soon, and was acting all "dreamy" and detached. I got suspicious, and installed a key logger on the computer.

 

Sure enough, I found a hidden email box of hers and a love letter to some total loser at work. He was one of those "playa" type bling bling guys that are all smooth with women, but had only a part time job, divorced with kids, living with a roomate in a crappy part of town.

 

I demanded counseling. She refused to participate, and swore they were "just friends". Things went downhill from there, she became openly defiant and often came rolling home at 4:00 a.m. She even had a "freshen up" bag in her car, probably after sex with whomever she used it. She spent almost $1000 a month on clothes, it was so obvious I meant nothing to her, and she was just using me. I filed for divorce and moved out. Over the next 4 months when I was living in a tiny rental unit crying my eyes out, she was out at the night clubs and having threesomes with hip hopper guys. I couldn't believe it - she never tried once to reconcile at all. She told me once on the phone that if we ever got back together, I would have to accept that "her friends come first" and I'd have to deal with it. So the divorce went final. I was stunned.

 

Over the next 6 months, we've exchanged a couple emails and text mails. She always wanted to engage in small talk. I didn't - I wanted answers from her why she left me, and to admit to cheating on me. I need closure somehow.

 

Once I ripped into her in an email, called her a ghetto * * * * *, and said she just used me. Still after that, she sent me a text mail this Halloween. Halloween used to be our favorite time together. I could never take her back, I know that at least. But it was all so senseless and tragic. I just don't understand it. Its been really hard to move on.

[FCTex]

Surviveitall,

 

Thanks for your reply. It's posts like yours that make what some of us go through and endure, almost worth it to share..

 

 

The be honest, it sounds like your doing it all right.

 

But keep in mind, the hardest part about moving away and getting over the mess is to really, REALLY realize that for them to want to reconcile is not going to happen. Infact it's the last string you have hold of, and telling yourself you could never make it work again, is a hard hard hit, but one that HAS to be done, in order to really be okay with anything after that.

 

Once you remove any doubt of "fixing" the problems, and "getting over them" or even lowering your standards to have them fit your life and your wants and needs- you can move on and be happy.

 

Only then do I think that the contact with an ex, in a non threatening way is okay. It's quite honestly, the only way I can talk to her. When in the back of my mind, it's emotionless. I have little to no emotion when I have contact with her.

 

It's really sad when it comes down to it, but I feel it's the only path to go.

 

Take care- I'll post more later.

[waslovinghusband]

FCTex.

I have copied your post and established it as a personal goal. I have the sinking dreaded feeling that my ex will eventually wander back. It has freaked me out to know that I may not be able to handle myself in that situation.

Thanks for the inspiration. You da man.

[surviveitall]

Tex, thanks for the reply. You are right that deep inside, I still wish she would throw herself at my feet and apologize and say she was wrong. In her last couple of emails to me, she invited me to "drop by" and say hello. I became deeply suspicious, as I refuse to ever allow her to claim we are "friends" again. This would allow her to tell everyone we were friends, meaning that she did nothing wrong and all is forgiven. She also is hanging around at our neighbors house. I can see her car parked out there sometimes, but I've never seen her. It is erie knowing that she is just right accross the street, but I can't talk to her.

 

I am also very afraid of how I might handle seeing her again. Would I break down and cry or scream at her or what? I know that she still has the power to hurt me, even though I know she still carries a flag for me and I still do for her.

 

So the trick is to simply give up all thoughts of a reunification, or even final closure, eh? I will focus on this more. thanks again.

[FCTex]

waslovinghusband,

 

Thanks for your reply man, means alot to me. Hold on to what you want and slow it down.. Don't be waiting for your ex to come back around to hit ya hard again, but merely been on your heels, and when it happens. Slow it down so you know how to react right.

 

You'll know it's right, because you'll feel good about it not just when it happens, but hours and days after it's done and passed.

 

Surviveitall,

 

Your much like me. I refuse to allow her to fully 'think' or even assume that we are friends. I don't want her to pass it along to others, even her family, that we are "okay". Because we're not. We'd be together if things were okay. I felt like allowing her to be "my friend" merely just left me to lay down, forgive all the actions and hurt and allow her a reprive from it all..

 

As for her having the power to hurt you. Thats true. When we all give our hearts to someone, one time or another, we give the shield to protect ourselves with it... I think at a point with time it makes it much harder for them to hurt you. I think my ex could hurt me, it could be very hard too, and she'd have to hit me where she knows I'm weak..

 

Basically the trick is like you said. Give up.

 

Give up all hope/thoughts of reconciliation.. And in some cases, give up on the final closure. Sometimes you need the closure, so with time it can lead to it. You can get the final "bye" you needed to just give it all up.

 

When you just toss out the idea of wanting to try again, regardless of ANY reason you can conjure up, you ultimately take control of the situation.. You decide on your terms on how you want to handle anything from them.

 

Also, your no longer looking for anything from them. No apologies, no e-mails, no notes.. No contact from mutal friends.

 

It gets your mind off of it all, and when you do that, you move on quickly. Your quality of life gets better. It's hard, I know, but it does get better with each day you take your mind from it.

 

If it wanders back, just think of WHY you know it wont work out. It's like talking yourself out of something expensive to buy... Know that if you buy it, you can't pay your car, or your home payment, and then where will you be?

 

 

And in the case like mine, and many many more.... When you ex DOES contact you. Days, months, or years later down the road.. Your... SURPRISED...

 

You weren't let down by the time between contact. You weren't upset because they didn't say what you wanted to hear. You didn't lose anything. From that point, you just deal with it naturally.. After time of "not expecting" you just kinda give up on it when it's presented to you.

 

From there, you mind is clear, you heart just has smudge marks of dirt from them left on it, and you able to clearly, and slowly on YOUR TIME, decide what you want to do with what they presented you..

 

Take it or leave it... And if they never come back to talk to you or anything, then your lucky. You've since moved on far enough that it doesn't bother you any!