not invited to the wedding....

[annie24]

a college roommate of mine is getting married and I haven't been invited to the wedding. they have been engaged for about a year now, so I think if I was going to be invited, I would have heard by now. I am even ok with not having been invited, as we are not incredibly close anymore and maybe only exchange e-mails once a month or so. (but we used to be pretty close back in college - we shared a room for 2 years)

 

but what offends me is that whenever I ask her a question about her wedding (ie, when is it, where are you going on the honeymoon), she ignores those questions and only answers other stuff (like if I ask how her job is going).

 

I understand that I am not invited, and I can see her maybe being uncomfortable with giving me info about her wedding if I am not invited. but yeah, I just find it rude that she doesn't answer the other questions. that and I recently got an e-mail from her saying that her niece was part of a fundraiser at school and asking people to contribute.

 

when she finally does get married and I find out (probably by way of her changing her relationship status on myspace), do I send a congratulatory card? e-mail? nothing?

 

this problem doesn't keep me up at night, so it's not a big deal, I'm just wondering what you guys think.

 

thanks

[avman]

I guess I wouldn't bother sending any kind of card or anything. You weren't invited and you aren't close so I would not see the point.

 

As for why she ignores the wedding questions, I'd just come straight out and ask her. "Why do you avoid my questions when I ask you about the wedding?". My hunch is that she's embarrassed about answering them when she knows you aren't invited, but you lose nothing by asking and bringing it out in the open.

[jimthzz]

What you don't realize is that you have been demoted in status and she can't seem to say so.

 

This kind of thing happens to most of us after we drift apart following college.

 

I would suggest you cultivate other social contacts. Let any further attempts at friendship originate from your roommate.

[annie24]

i do realize that I have been "demoted" so to speak, so it is not that. and I do have plenty of other friends.

 

I am still genuinely happy for her, even though I wasn't invited. however, i find it rather rude that she doesn't respond to questions regarding the wedding, but does consider me "close enough" to ask I contribute to her niece's fundraiser (which I didn't).

[justpaisley]

Something I've noticed about people with whom I only contact via e-mail or messages on myspace is that they tend to skim e-mails and pick out the things they want to answer. Since I discovered myspace, I've gotten in touch with several people from highschool that I hadn't talked to since the night of our graduation. After a month of sending sporadic messages to one of my old friends, I'm still trying to extract from her the number of kids she has, maybe a name, a gender, something, since her profile says "proud parent." Maybe she means she has animals. Apparently I'll never know. She seems to prefer talking about the guys she dated in highschool and how much fun we had at this party or that football game. Very strange.

 

Do you think that might be the case? She's just skimming over your questions about the wedding? She could actually be uncomfortable talking to you about it since you're not invited, in which case I'd probably just drop it. There's no real good way to let her know that you're not offended that you're not invited.

 

I think that when her status changes, you can send her an e-mail saying something along the lines of "I see you got married, congratulations!" along with some sort of well-wishes. Nothing wrong with that. Maybe then she'll open up.

[jimthzz]

she spammed her address book when she sent the appeal for money. I wouldn't take that as meaning anything at all.

[justpaisley]

I am still genuinely happy for her, even though I wasn't invited. however, i find it rather rude that she doesn't respond to questions regarding the wedding, but does consider me "close enough" to ask I contribute to her niece's fundraiser (which I didn't).

 

Oh, it drives me NUTS when people do that. It's like those people at work that bring their kids' fundraising stuff to sell. Do you spend $15 on a candle or offend your co-worker? Sheesh.

[annie24]

yeah, it is possible she is just skimming the e-mails and probably also just feel uncomfortable answering those questions. I think I would feel somewhat uncomfortable answering such questions if I were getting married and that person wasn't invited.

 

but whatever. i think if I ever get married, she won't be on my invite list either. unless we grow close again over the years. I moved away after I graduated from college halfway accross the country and I haven't seen her in years.

[annie24]

she spammed her address book when she sent the appeal for money. I wouldn't take that as meaning anything at all.

 

well, it wasn't spammed. there were only 15 people on the list and I'm fairly confident that 10 of them were invited to the wedding (ie, her fiance was on the list, her best friend, and some other very close friends and family). so, I get to be on that list, but not the other....

[Batya33]

It could be that there are problems/issues with wedding planning or with the relationship, so she is uncomfortable responding and is avoiding the issue. I also cannot stand when someone who doesn't bother to keep in touch with me sends me an email asking for $. I don't care if it's easier just to include the whole address book - if you're asking, be sensitive to who is on the list. I just had to send out a group email announcing my sister's new service-oriented career and was VERY careful about who was included. It took time and effort to be that selective but I am glad I was.

 

I would stop asking questions about the wedding and I would not send a gift or a card if you are not invited unless she explains to you "why" (i.e. that it was a small wedding, etc).

[annie24]

I would stop asking questions about the wedding and I would not send a gift or a card if you are not invited unless she explains to you "why" (i.e. that it was a small wedding, etc).

 

yeah, I'm definitely not asking anymore.

 

it was strange, she said in her last e-mail to me that things were super hectic at work and that she was looking forward to "relaxing on her honeymoon." i wrote back asking where she was going, and I didn't hear back.

 

*sigh*

 

yeah, I think i'll just keep all questions about the wedding/honeymoon out of my future e-mails.

[Batya33]

Hmmm. Interesting that she is bringing it up given that you're not invited. That is inappropriate on her part I think.

[itsallgrand]

I think people just go weird when they decide to get married or find out they are having a kid. Okay, not everyone, but A LOT do.

 

People, you are leaving your friends confused as to what to do and how to relate! lol.

 

Annie, that would drive me bonkers. I don't know what her deal is, but she really isn't worth a card or gift at this point. And I'm with you on not buying into the fundraising deal. People go WEIRD, i tell you.

 

I'm not great at delicate situations but I'll share my approach to this anyways. I was in a similiar pickle. I straight out asked, and then she came back at me with a long story ...excuses...which frustrated me because I really didn't care that much about it. I just wanted honesty in what relationship we did have, otherwise why bother talking at all?. So, I left it at "I'm not offended that you did not invite me, we can still be friends. I'd hate to see our long friendship evaporate because of awkwardness. "

 

She was crying. She felt guilty. Geez, that was not my intent! From then on the relationship kinda drifted out because of silly stuff like that and well, our lives were so different anyways. She was going to kids functions, and talking about housewife stuff, and I was somewhere else.

 

Long post made a little shorter: Who knows. If the relationship means a lot to you, I'd call her on it and give a last stab at open communication. If it isn't a big deal anymore because your lives are not involved together anyways, *shrugs* whatever. Let her do her thing and put it out of mind.

[annie24]

oh, this issue doesn't keep me lying awake at night. but, it bugged me enough to post about it.

 

there is a lot of strange etiquette surrounding weddings, and I was reminded of my issue when I read another poster's thread about not being asked to be part of her brother's wedding party.

 

I know that if I ever get married, I'll have to dance around that issue also - of who gets the invites, and who doesn't. eloping in vegas actually sounds like the easiest way to go. either that, or everyone gets invited. LOL

 

yeah, i won't send a gift at this point, nor even a paper card. like paisley said, at this point, the MOST would be a myspace e-mail.

 

it is odd, because a couple of months ago, she sent me a small birthday gift. she hasn't sent me a birthday gift in years, and part of me was wondering if it was motivated by a bit of guilt at not inviting me?

[jimthzz]

I agree, it is tacky to get appeals for cash but no invite to the wedding. all I'm saying is the "friend" is an insensitive type of person and it meant nothing to her to send a mass email (yes, 10-15 recipients is mass email) asking for cash.

 

And being insensitive there is no way she would connect the dots between no invite and send cash as you have done.

 

Yes, you are hurt that she didn't invite you to the wedding. I'm sorry you are disappointed that your friendship is not now as you wish it to be.

 

When people grow apart it is not a neat fading away. It usually has bad moments and hurt feelings. There usually is not reason that one can see that causes a former friend to cause you to feel bad.

 

This is one of those times.

[BellaDonna]

Hi Annie.

 

I guess I wouldn't bother sending any kind of card or anything.

 

I wouldn't either, but do what makes you feel right in this situation.

 

I would almost see your situation in the opposite light, to the point that if I was in your shoes and I got an invitation, I would probably not go. I would think it was annoying that I was invited if we were not close, and especially after receiving only e-mails about raising money.

 

Maybe this is rude, but I have the mentality: If I have not talked to you in a while and we are not real friends, please DO NOT invite me to your wedding.

 

I'd be doing the happy dance right now if I were you, knowing I avoided it. \\ lol

 

BellaDonna

[rmpavlock]

Maybe she feels uncomfortable talking about it since you weren't invited. She's probably not sure what to say. You can always send a card. I just wouldn't expect much in return since that's how it's been so far.

[annie24]

thanks for all the feedback, I feel a lot better after having vented here, so thanks

[BrokenHeartGirl]

Sounds like my situation

I found out through his friend that he got engaged, found out from myspace he got married. He totally cut me off. I would not send anything, i think its the biggest insult to not be invited to a friends wedding. I think it says it all really.

[Batya33]

Sounds like my situation

I found out through his friend that he got engaged, found out from myspace he got married. He totally cut me off. I would not send anything, i think its the biggest insult to not be invited to a friends wedding. I think it says it all really.

 

Weddings are expensive. Some people have smaller weddings and/or they have to work with the groom and his family to cut down the list. I believe it's offensive to expect to be invited to a friend's wedding unless you are very close friends and/or you invited him/her to your wedding.

[BrokenHeartGirl]

We were very close friends, he has not talked to me in over 1 year since he got engaged. He clearly cut me off on purpose.

[annie24]

We were very close friends, he has not talked to me in over 1 year since he got engaged. He clearly cut me off on purpose.

 

do you think his fiance got threatened by you and asked he cut off contact?

 

thanks for all your input guys, I feel so much better about everything. yeah, i definitely see the other side. I know that if I were getting married, she wouldn't be on the first people I would invite to the wedding. actually, I might have extended an invite if I happened to be having the wedding in her area where she lives. But, maybe not so much anymore...

 

I know that her family is quite strapped for cash (and she has a big family!) so I wouldn't be surprised if the guest list is small (or down to the bare minimum). It's just too bad she avoids my questions about her wedding/honeymoon, as I am genuinely happy for her, but oh well, whatever. it's not a big deal anymore. i'm over it.

[mysticdreamer]

Ah the famous saying. "because you didn't invite me to your **********, then I'm going to do ************ for you." Personally, that behavior is very child like. One thing that you have to realize that it's her special day, not yours. Handing her a card to say congrats on your wedding is showing her that you're a nice person.

 

A friend of mine had a birthday party, and she didn't invite me. What did I do in return? I bought her a cake, and a very expensive present. Then I planned a surprised birthday party for her.

[annie24]

Ah the famous saying. "because you didn't invite me to your **********, then I'm going to do ************ for you." Personally, that behavior is very child like. One thing that you have to realize that it's her special day, not yours. Handing her a card to say congrats on your wedding is showing her that you're a nice person.

 

really? I thought her wedding was supposed to be MY special day.

 

It's a bit hard to send a card when she doesn't even tell me what day her wedding is. guess I'll have to find out from her myspace profile, along with everyone else in cyberspace...

 

A friend of mine had a birthday party, and she didn't invite me. What did I do in return? I bought her a cake, and a very expensive present. Then I planned a surprised birthday party for her

 

why didn't your friend invite you to her party?

[mysticdreamer]

why didn't your friend invite you to her party?

 

I honestly don't know, but I've decided not to ask her because she's not the easiest person to approach.