Girlfriend of 4 years NOT into sex and is not open to new things...what to do?

[Deviant_Kate]

I haven't read the other comments, so this might be repetetive. I just wanted to suggest you both go to couples counselling. I don't think her low sex drive has anything to do with how much she cares about you. I think it's a personal problem she has. Maybe look into a sex therapist. She could have a chemical imbalance that affects her libido, or maybe something to do with how she was raised makes her feel like sex is dirty and bad...I definitely recommend couples counselling with a sex therapist.

 

Even if you have a completely normal libido, you need to be just as involved as she is or she's going to feel defensive. Anyway, you're a couple - you're in this together. Maybe you could both give a little and come up with a plan you're both happy with.

[wayne]

When you are in a relationship, you should devote your entire self to that relationship. Anything less is not a relationship. The OP's emotional infidelity is absolutely real in this circumstance. He has found something he doesn't like and instead of fixing it or simply exiting the relationship for the good of all involved, he's thinking he's found it in someone else. Luck of Irish is laboring under the misconception that he is in love with his girlfriend's sister, when she is likely simply the target of his uncontrolled hormonal impulses.

 

If his hormonal impulses were uncontrolled, he'd already be having sex with the sister. Making hormonal impulses completely disappear would be a neat trick, but it's not at all the same thing as controlling them.

 

He's not exercising self-control at all. He's allowed himself to develop feelings for his girlfriend's sister. Such a thing would not happen if he were completely interested in salvaging his relationship.

 

People don't choose to develop feelings. They choose whether to act on them. And he may be completely interested in salvaging his relationship but entertaining serious doubts as to whether it is even possible. There's the little matter of the girlfriend that doesn't like having sex with him, after all.

 

Luck of Irish is definitely giving us only the half of the story he wants us to hear, so we say "poor you, dump her" instead of actually giving him constructive advice.

 

Which boils down to "dump her if she won't even try to enjoy sex with you" in any event.

 

Anyone, if given the entire story, would have linked his emotional infidelity to his girlfriend's lack of interest in sex - are you telling me that if your wife was in love with your brother, you'd still want to be intimate with her?

 

In that situation, it seems more likely that she would be the one not interested in being intimate with me than the other way around. I'm not the one falling out of love in that case. And in any event, cutting her off from sex, or doing my best to make sex between us a joyless drugery, when she hadn't even jumped the fence is not exactly the way to get her to stop thinking that she'd be happier elsewhere.

 

Most people who are the victims of infidelity know on some level that they're being cheated on.

 

And if the girlfriend was in fact a real victim of actual infidelity, this little tidbit would be relevant.

 

But quite frankly, we don't know the entire story, nor do we know what came first. I'm quite sure there are many other details to this story that none of us know.

 

That's true in every one of these threads. We do the best we can with the information provided.

[artist777]

Luck of Irish, the thing that stands out for me most here, is that she is not willing to work on it. You have to ask yourself what does this say about this person? What other issues will she be so unbending on? Not to mention, personal release, intimacy, personal satisfaction is a BASIC HUMAN NEED. She isn't even working at it?? What a wonderful world to live in to turn a deaf ear on your loved one's needs? How much does she love you, hon? You can't just block out the other person's needs. It just doesn't work that way...

 

I LOVE sex, but in my 20s I was not as into it. I NEVER EVER turned my lover down. If my lover wanted it, I was there, and I tried to make it good for him and accept what he was trying for me. Because I loved him and I realized it was something he needed. It's not really that hard to be in the catcher's position. It's not a huge imposition, doll. And you sound giving.

 

You do seriously need to think on this. How long do you want your needs ignored b/c her preference comes first? This is not good. And the way she is dealing w/ it is very very selfish. You can't be unbending like that in a relationship. It just doesn't fly.

 

I'm sorry, kiddo. It sounds like you love her, but you need to love yourself too.

[Keizshie]

I hate sex too and i dont want my bf asking for it, makes me think that it is all that he wants from me. i also told him that its okay with me if he'll do it with other girls..im not open to any positions aside from missionary (that is if i'll have sex with my bf).

 

Dont worry about it too much things always change maybe when you get married she'll be open to it and will love it...

 

Don't you think she is just afraid of the consequences (just like me)?

[holyohio]

I hate sex too and i dont want my bf asking for it, makes me think that it is all that he wants from me. i also told him that its okay with me if he'll do it with other girls..im not open to any positions aside from missionary (that is if i'll have sex with my bf).

 

Dont worry about it too much things always change maybe when you get married she'll be open to it and will love it...

 

Don't you think she is just afraid of the consequences (just like me)?

 

 

well then aren't you, by definition, just a friend?

 

the intimacy and closeness that sex provides in males/females is very powerful.

 

in essense, if he does start having sex with another girl (routinely...as opposed to just a one night stand kind of thing), he is going to naturally feel a stronger emotional connection/trust to this girl than he does to you.

 

this is no fault of yours for not wanting sex, nor his for feeling attached to a girl he is intimate with, but i think you're either setting yourself up for heartbreak, or misrepresenting your relationship with this guy.

[unface]

artist777 is right.

 

She refuses to work on it. Refuses to work on a part of the relationship that is VERY important to you. Something that affects you both emotionally and physically. You are actually considering leaving her because of it and she isn't even willing to see a counselor.

 

I'm not sure if you've made it clear to her how serious this is. But if you explain your feelings to her and make her understand how this affects you, you'll definitely learn something. Make sure you're 100% truthful with her and tell her that it's something that you can't see yourself dealing with for the rest of your life.

 

If she really loves you and cares about the relationship, she'll agree to work on it and you can both see a therapist (sex is probably not the only issue that you two need to work out, and therapy is the only place that you'll be able to get help).

 

If she refuses, she really doesn't care about your feelings. She's pushing them aside like they don't matter. As if your complaints are just stupid/selfish and don't need to be addressed.

 

This is more than just sex.

[Aurian]

I agree with this post. I see the problem being not so much as incompatible sex drives, but the lack of desire to work on the problem. She isn't interested in finding ways to please you, isn't interested in looking at why she isn't interested, isn't interested in counselling, and just plain isn't interested in resolving the problem and the relationship.

 

I kinda doubt it is a sex-drive thing too. She doesn't just sound uninterested - she sounds disgusted by all aspects of the act, which makes me think that she was raised to think of sex as being dirty and disgusting and never changed her mind.

[lizziebee]

Irish-I love your honesty and I hope this helps you. I am an ex-model, not by choice and no one of any notoriety...I was raped at 15 in the late 70's by my boyfriend and his bf. I was 15 years old. From then til about 4 months ago sex was something that a man did to get off and roll over and let me sleep, phoney-gasms and the works...this was with my husband of 14 years. Who I divorced last year for different reasons. I was raised in a house where no one spoke about sex, no nudity, nuthin. Well recently, June '06 to be precise, I went on the internet to find a blind sex partner so to speak, I do not know what posessed me to do it and I met my share of not the right types, and then, I met a guy, who has rocked my world changed my heart and the world as I see it, I actually seduced him when we met and I am still somewhat proud and shocked at the same time by my actions...We were not on a Harmony type website, it was more precise...sexually, but not perverted, but we agree that by getting the sex out of the way and developing the relationship afterwards kind of got all of those awkward dinner questions and thoughts out of the way....My sister is also a beautiful woman who has problems in the boudoir, afraid to let go and just enjoy and be silly and do not ever be afraid to laugh, sex is funny, truly if you think about it two sweaty hot horny bodies not knowing exactly where to go...it aint the movies honey, its better! So try to get your girl to give up some of her wonderful sense of humor in the bedroom, its the one place we are not monitored and should feel nothing but free and happy and safe with the man/woman we love. Good luck..And believe me, at 44 I never thought I would feel like sex was a wonderful thing or even find humor in it but now I do and I have gained a wonderful partner who I love in the meantime.