Disappointed in those around me. What happened to my life?

[lostandadrift]

I am coming out of a year long crisis involving an emotional affair (see previous posts) and am looking at the people around me very differently now. For so long the people around me made me feel guilty and damaged for feelings I had, (my husband stressed "damaged" for a long time), but express a willingness to forgive me if I repent and go back to my "normal" life. My mother has only talked to me by screaming and hitting me and calling me names, which I cannot forgive her for as I think that is a decidedly "unmotherlike" response to finding out your daughter is in crisis. She spent hours trying to talk my husband into believing the affair was physical, laughing and joking about it intermittently, discussing how he should leave me with nothing. I am her only child, I could be described as a type A high achiever, and never had any major conflicts with her before. I tried to communicate with her about her reaction but she never responded and chooses to pretend it never happened. I now see her as an angry, bitter, hateful person who takes joy in seeing others fail as it makes her feel better about herself. My husband is different. He seems to love me and to have forgiven me, but refuses to take any responsibility for any failings in our relationship. He seems more concerned about our marriage than me. He seems to possess me more than love me. Sometimes he hugs me so tightly in bed it's like sleeping with a straightjacket on and I have to loosen his arm because it gets too close to my neck. I could never discuss my lasting feelings about the emotional affair with him as it would cause him to rage and call me damaged. I tried it once. Our relationship has suffered because I can't share my feelings with him. I try to get over it on my own, in my own way, and do a lot of play acting to keep him happy. He knows I'm not really present. I'm also disappointed in finding friends. I have one good caring friend I can share with, but she has many family responsibilities which come first. It's the curse of being a woman of 40 in Suburbia - family first, friends a distant last, but I understand. I'm trying to make friends but it's very hard because everyone is so busy with their families. I just so want to reach out and touch someone, to make a difference, to connect, and yet I feel like I'm on an Island alone. I also find myself back burning my needs because of the needs of my 3 kids. I drive my kids to swimming, to piano, to friends, smile politely to the people I know along the way but I feel so alone. So meaningless.I'd go teach English in Guatemala to make a difference, but I can't because of my family. Am I expecting to much? Being too passive? How should I take action? This is not a life I'm leading, just passing time.

[Scout]

I just so want to reach out and touch someone, to make a difference, to connect, and yet I feel like I'm on an Island alone. I also find myself back burning my needs because of the needs of my 3 kids. I drive my kids to swimming, to piano, to friends, smile politely to the people I know along the way but I feel so alone. So meaningless.I'd go teach English in Guatemala to make a difference, but I can't because of my family. Am I expecting to much? Being too passive? How should I take action? This is not a life I'm leading, just passing time.

 

Ok, I read your other thread, so have some details on what was the catalyst to all this. Despite the fact that your initial attempt at opening up you and your family to other cultures, to adding some enrichment to your lives, etc. took an unexpected turn, let's not overlook the original intentions behind your efforts. Clearly, the life you are currently leading is one that you do not find meaning and pride in. It is not an authentic life for you, and while you remain stuck in it, you are basically ignoring a higher calling.

 

Does this mean you should chuck your family and house in the suburbs? Heck no. You have the power to create any environment you are in a meaningful one. In fact, you know what's the fastest way to change a situation? Change your perspective on it.

 

In your case, you have health, obviously some material comfort, and a strong desire to make a difference. Have you considered concentrating some of your efforts more locally? There are plenty of inner city programs for kids and teen agers that could use some help. If you'd prefer to help older people, many state-run adoption agencies have "mentorship" programs for young adults who grew up as wards of the state. These people could use help with even the most basic things, like crafting resumes, how to create and live on a budget, etc.

 

These are just some initial ideas, but there are countless things you can do locally that will expand your horizons.

 

Personally, I don't think you can get your marriage back on track until you're happier with yourself as a human being. It seems to me you are feeling extreme discontent with how you are living your life, and you are externalizing the reasons....you're married with kids and live in the boring 'burbs. Hon, the truth is, wherever you go geographically, there you will be. People have been known to live in solitary confinement jail cells for decades, and come out of it incredibly evolved from a spiritual growth point of view. Nelson Mandela comes to mind there.

 

Only your fears and self-created mental barriers are holding you back from a more meaningful life. Not your environment. Not your children. Not your husband.

[Juliana]

Scout, I just flashed on how the life of a suburban stay at home wife (like me) is similar to the life of a prisoner in solitary confinement...????

 

Mandela had a higher calling. Me, I've got liquor!! Nah, just kidding.

 

Lost, what you're experiencing is so common amongst women our age. It's the "lost life" syndrome, I think. What Could Have Been-itis. My cousins around my age breakdown on the phone to me -- all the women I know who are this age are dealing with it. You are far from alone in your general quandry, if not your specific circumstances.

 

I think the trick is to be where you are. I know you're isolated, and given that you have stresses, I think you need to connect with a therapist or counsellor -- nothing involving medication, but someone to discuss your recent experiences, and your higher goals. And find some way other than the internet to express yourself creatively -- that's been a real lifesaver for the women in my family who are a generation older than I am -- painting, writing, music.

 

Sorry about the crazy mother. I feel your pain. It makes everything harder, in so many ways, I know. I've seen other mothers attack their daughters; I'm not clear on why they do it. It's a strange thing. Maybe they need to replace the daughter in order to stave off their fear of aging and death? I don't know. I know aging gracefully is no mean feat, particularly in our culture. Those in my family who did it best were those who refused to do it at all, who stayed active and interested in life, connected with people, and never forgot who they essentially were. My greatgrandmother lived to be 104, and really lived every minute of it.

 

Don't give up. It's just a hard time, and you will come through it.

[lostandadrift]

Scout,

 

Thank you, your thoughts helped. I AM feeling more action oriented finally, after a year of feeling sad, passive, and hurt. There was so much satisfaction in getting Peder settled in the community, in the country, I know I was on the right course for myself initially. I contacted the local university to try and be a sort of "welcome wagon" for the many international staff they employ. I thought there might be a way I could help families new to the country and community who probably speak english as a second language get established here. So I am moving forward.

 

I am though, seeing the people around me in a new light. I see a lot of selfishness and lack of caring for others. An inability to see things beyond the boundaries of what it means to their own little world. I think I need to distance myself from the warped values of my mother, and to become again the independent person I was before I let my husband start taking care (controlling?) of me, and to somehow bring more positive people into my life. I started today with," What am I going to do today to start improving my life?" Writing here was my first step. It so often helps just to write things out and get someone's opinion.

[Scout]

You're so welcome. I do identify with how you're feeling, although I don't have a husband and children. However, I have certainly found myself at times around people I don't relate to.

 

But, one thing I am starting to realize is that EVERYONE has a spark of good in them. Yes, everyone, and if you look hard, you can see that good in at least something they do. I'm afraid if you assume you're completely alienated from those around you, you will be putting up another mental barrier. One, you will continue to externalize your dissatisfaction as the cause of others. Two, we simply need more understanding and love in this world, and if we did have it, there would be far less people in their own little world. So, sometimes we have to be the bigger and braver people and be the first to make changes. And don't necessarily try to press others to change, just let them see how it's making positive differences in your own life. You'd be surprised how many people you know probably feel the same way you do about things.

 

Let me ask you something. What are some positive things you like about your husband? Who is the man you fell in love with?

[lostandadrift]

Oh, that's easy. John is extremely intelligent and possibly even funnier than he is entertaining. I'm sure a lot of people take that with a grain of salt, but he could hold his own against any stand-up. I've been listening to him for 24 years and he still makes me laugh. We just got a call last week from a guy John had called by accident, a wrong number, and John left a very funny message on his machine. The guy called back just to say it was the funniest thing he ever heard.

John is never boring, adventurous, ambitious but equally playful. Always the center of attention, always the life of the party. He's a leader, a real Leo.He can, and does, fix or improve anything around the house. He cooks. He loves to do things with me and considers me his best friend ( we always were). He's supportive of my ideas. He's thoughtful towards me. He has a great capacity for analysis and could be at the top of any field. He's tall, handsome, and youthful looking. He got proofed this summer in broad daylight even though he's 44. There is no other man out there who could make me as happy as he has.

I do fear making him angry, he gets very dark. He's somewhat controlling and does not handle people going against his will well, such as my teenage son will do. I find his punishments are done more out of anger for being disobeyed than out of concern for our son's well-being.

[Scout]

Wow, that's actually a LOT better than I was expecting. He sounds like someone with a lot of depth, so that's good...and I am heartened to learn that he's supportive of your ideas. That's pretty important!

 

Have you considered family or even couples counseling to get past the aftermath of everything that happened? It might even help get your parenting approaches more aligned. But ultimately, it might be a way to get some harmony back in your marriage and life, and of course, all feelings of unhappiness are basically a result of when things get out of harmony.

[rocio]

Who are you going to help if you go teach english in Guatemala? English isn't going to help the average Guatemalan.

 

You are a mom. What could be more rewarding? They need you and you can make a huge difference in this world by being an awesome mom. I don't just mean driving them around. I mean being there for them emotionally.

 

If you want to feel as if you're giving back more, why not volunteer? I don't know how old your kids are, but if they are young it could also be a good idea to drag them along. Visit the elderly in a nursing home. If you think you feel isolated, just imagine how abandoned and alone some of the elderly feel. Volunteer at a hospital. Teach an illiterate person to read. You might be surprised to know how many people out there are illiterate. You don't have to go that far to make a difference.

[Momene]

Whilst I sympathise, I can assure you that it isn't just restricted to women and not restricted to those in suburbia. You actually summed up a lot of what I was trying to say in my "Not Content" thread, although I watered it down as my original post was modded. I remember your original post. Now I'm not taking sides here but, yes, your husband certainly feels betrayed and probably senses that he lost "you". The trouble is that the "you" he lost is gone for good and will never come back. Although it wouldn't make you feel better, I can tell you that although I doubt if my mother would abuse me physically if I broke my marriage vows in any way, she would certainly abuse me verbally and see me as a "bad person". I'm afraid that people in their 70s would never have considered leaving a marriage if they were unhappy and would only do so in case of infidelity or abuse, in other words anything they saw as "legitimate reasons".

 

Fortunately, I love my wife, although I find her bad tempered and controlling at times. I do feel trapped, though. Despite being on a good salary, we're chronically short of money and don't even have a particularly nice house. I get hissed off when I hear people tell me I'm going to retire early when the reality is that I'm probably going to work at least part-time until I drop dead.

 

I've found some fulfilment through astronomy writing but, like you, I seem increasingly isolated from everyone around me except my teenage daughter, who I know I can't rely on too much as she has her own life to lead.

 

I wish you luck.

[lostandadrift]

First to Hazy Amber,

 

I AM an awesome mom, an have been for 16 years. I am so there for them emotionally. I can and do talk to the 2 oldest about anything. Last night my youngest referred to me as " my best friend, Mom". What could be more rewarding than that, you ask? I'm going to have to find out, because my first will be off to college in two years, my second in three. It's been fufilling, up until now, but that part of my life is coming to a close and there has to be more. I've seen the women who define themselves through motherhood, it's most of my neighbors, and frankly it scares me. I don't want to be them. TODAY, for me, if you were to go back on the calendar 10 years ago , would be identical to that day. Same house, same neighbors, same job, same chores. THINGS HAVEN'T CHANGED AT ALL. I can't live like that. What's next, death?

 

To Scout,

 

I really appreciate this exchange, it's really helping.

We tried counselling, together, and separate. We weren't happy with the counselours. They were well intentioned, but I feel didn't really understand us, what happened, the dynamic of our relationship, and frankly it's difficult to find a couple hours out of our busy lives to get over to the counselours without the kids every week. I think it was somewhat damaging to the kids to constantly hear week after week their parents were off to counselling.

 

An aspect of what happened with Peder that's been dismissed, but I feel is valid, is that there was a strong mother/child bond between us as well. I considered myself his sole caretaker here and dedicated myself to helping him and making sure he was happy. He was dependent on me. To lose him was devastating - IS devastating. I haven't gotten over it. When I read about the emotions parents who have lost children go through, it describes what I am feeling. But everyone wants to neatly label it an " emotional affair" and call it a day without thinking about it further.

 

I wonder if John had embraced the exchange student experience as much as I did, from the start, if any of this would have happened. I KNOW I began overcompensating right away because of the clear lack of enthusiasm from John. In my heart I still blame him and its getting in the way.

[Momene]

Are you my long lost cousin? Yes, I'm a Dad through and through and the way my daughter is with me gives me a lot of reassurance but (like you) I see that part of my life diminishing as she gets older and I'm left with an unfulfilling career and a wife who I have mutual love but am not as close to as I have been and would like to be. I have this "there HAS to be more than this to life feeling".

 

I'm not trying to hijack your thread, just to share that you are not the only one who feels this way.

[lostandadrift]

Hi Momene,

 

We've spoken before, you helped me last May. Let me know if this strikes a chord...

When my son was born, I completely lost focus on myself, who I was, what I wanted, what I needed, and it became all about HIM. I lost myself in him. It was all about him and what HE was, needed, wanted. It became moreso with the birth of my girls. My sole function was to raise them, feed them, care for them, make them happy. They don't often say thank you, and I don't expect it. But now I'm looking at them readying to leave, to pursue who they are and what they want and suddenly I am left with myself...

who is that? I haven't thought about myself for 16 years. I don't know who I am or what I want anymore, it hasn't been important for so long. And so I feel I've disappeared and am desperately trying to rediscover the individual I once was before I sacrificed every personal goal, wish, and desire I once had.

[Momene]

Well I empathise so much with you. I only have the one daughter (16 yesterday) and we are very close. I very much see myself as the breadwinner but i'm also a dad and household helper. My wife is unable to work for numerous reasons (many of which I agree with but some I don't). I turned 50 19 months ago and started to realise that time is running out for me and started to get a bit more selfish. Apart from being short of money, my biggest problem is time and energy and it seems that I'm chasing shadows all the time. Even my astronomy writing seems to demand more time and energy than I have, so I don't post on messageboards from home now, so I can get on with the book.