BIG Update to Just Friends or Just Too Nervous . . .

[MissDashwood]

Okay so, late last night some friends and I stayed up late talking with the guy I like along with someone else. Around 5 am the guy I like went to bed. During the talking though my friends were fishing for answers from him, but in front of me, and he said he doesn't want to date anyone from our school at all because then he'll know how much effort he'll have to put into seeing her and will know then how much he cares for her; also that he's not looking to date right now either so it doesn't matter. So I was knocked for a loop because a lot of people (even the other guy with us admitted there has been talk and he has thought there was something) think he and I were potentially going to end up dating because we hang out so much.

 

So, my one friend went down to talk to him because it was the last straw given the conversation, and spent ten minutes talking to him about whether he likes me. She acted super curious because of house rumor and everyone talking about he and I. He said he wasn't aware anyone thought we were "an item", said something about being just friends, then rambled about there being some girl back home he was interested in but she barely knows he exists!!

 

This was almost 6 am this morning, I barely got any sleep, and I'm in a really pissy mood because of it. This is annoying because this is the second time that I have liked an extremely friendly, charming guy, this year alone, only to find out that he's just that and nothing more towards me! I'm hoping the girl back home stops knowing that he exists at all and totally rejects him so he'll give up that, then with time our friendship will change over. Is that possible with just more time? Even if he claims he doesn't want to date in our university, much less our house? I might be transfering next year to a university accross town too.

 

I also just talked to him now to make sure we're still friends and there's nothing awkward-like between us. But overall, he said nothing's different. I also kinda lied to make things less awkward by saying it was all my friend who was interested in knowing and that she came to me to find out what was going on too, not just him. It all basically worked perfectly fine because he doesn't feel awkward around me and I can "act" natural around him still, so nothing there has changed. It's just, freakin'-A I'm annoyed because I DO like him still!

[melrich]

Until you mentioned university I thought we were talking about a much younger age group. My opinion would be if you want someone to be interested in you, aside from doing all the normal things to make your self attractive to them, you need to find away to communicate and get your feelings accross direct.

 

Having friends play the go-between (or allowing them to) just smacks of being a bit teenage as does the whole follow up "apology" bit. I obviously don't know the guy in question but if it were me I'd be wondering if we were on teh same level.

 

I think you should try and ensure that any interactions between you and someone you like are just that, between you and him.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi there,

 

I've got to say, if someone asked me about someone I fancied, IN FRONT OF THEM!, there is a good chance I would have brushed the question off too, regardless of how I felt. Too embarrassing, to be honest.

 

When are you next hanging out with him? Flirt with him like crazy, hug him hello, hug him goodbye, snog him. Go for it. OR wait for Christmas, and nab him under some mistletoe. But seriously, I would go for it.

[bhzmafia]

men express their friendship (with girls) by wanting to slam their friends into the mattress...

 

what honey pumpkin said all seems true, so id go by that

[Lansing]

I think you are waisting time with him.. If he doesn't want to date, find someone else.. I mean, you can "go for it" and see how he reacts... but, that would just be to "close that door" type thing and move on with you life. If you spend too much energy focussing on him, you will not be able to move on and meet someone new...

[MissDashwood]

For F's sake, this is the second time this year where I have had to deal with "getting over" a guy I like, and this guy is only a year older than me vs. the other where an age complication among other things was involved! Secondly, yes, we're in a university and yes, the "immature" gameplan worked out perfectly! because he and I are still friends and everything seems fine, it's just I have to sit around knowing that I like him and that he doesn't like me that way. Yes it was "high school" what happened but it's a dorm and it was 5 am and there was no easier way of finding out without putting it out there myself that I like him, and I didn't want to do that because if he thinks I like him then he'll be more cautious around me and I don't want him to have to change the way he acts around me or limits how much time I hang out with him.

 

Also, there's the fact that perhaps he's just still hung up on this other girl and thereforeeee isn't aware of other potentials.

 

Also, I hate it when I'm advised to "move on" because I think it's the weakest thing alive. Oh, well, that didn't work, let's drop it; or, oh well, I'm not seeing results, maybe I'll find some elsewhere. Rubbish. I'm sorry but I'm not "looking" for a relationship, I found myself liking him because of who he is and the fact that we get along so well. And as I said this is the second time this year, in freaking six months or so, where I have had to "get past" someone I liked. I'm annoyed at having to feel "rejected" yet again simply because I always pick such nice, friendly, charming, adorable, guys who have absolutely no interest in me except as a friend!!! WHY!!!!

 

I'm not here to roam the campus for guys, it just so happens that I happen to like ONE guy, and as long as he's not dating someone, I'm going to see if anything can come of it in the future. I've only known him for a little over a month now so it's not like I "really know him well" and the same goes with him knowing me. I'm hoping that more time and different situations and conversations will perhaps change his views.

[Desperatelover76]

men express their friendship (with girls) by wanting to slam their friends into the mattress...

 

what honey pumpkin said all seems true, so id go by that

 

He's a smart but he's right lol.

[Desperatelover76]

Also, I hate it when I'm advised to "move on" because I think it's the weakest thing alive. Oh, well, that didn't work, let's drop it; or, oh well, I'm not seeing results, maybe I'll find some elsewhere. Rubbish. I'm sorry but I'm not "looking" for a relationship, I found myself liking him because of who he is and the fact that we get along so well. And as I said this is the second time this year, in freaking six months or so, where I have had to "get past" someone I liked, I'm annoyed at having to feel "rejected" yet again simply because I always pick such nice, friendly, charming, adorable, guys who have absolutely no interest in me except as a friend!!! WHY!!!!

 

Just go for it, ask him and see what happens at least you'll know if you have 2 move on or not

[annie24]

I have to second what melrich said. I wouldn't get friends involved, if anything, I would keep things as far away from them as possible. Even if your friends have the best of intentions, people skew things and don't always relay the entire message, either intentionally or unintentionally. Getting other people involved turns out into a mess, as you see here, because now you are sitting and wondering about a conversation he had with a friend. If you feel the need to talk to friends about your relationship, I've found it is far better to talk to friends who are not mutual friends. ie, talk to friends who don't know him, or talk to us.

 

didn't you ever play that game, "telephone" back in elementary school. one person whispers a message to another, and then that message gets passed to the next person and the one after that. the person at the end says the message out loud, and by the end, it is completely different!!!

 

anyways, I think he might have been trying to save face when he said he wasn't really looking for a relationship. I'm sure that made him feel really uncomfortable and put "on the spot." I might have said something similar if I was sitting in a room with a guy I kind of liked. I know in the past, I haven't been fully honest with my feelings for a guy I liked when it came to talking to mutual friends. I'd always "downplay" things because I didn't want it getting back to my crush that I was completely ga-ga over him. again, it's trying to 'save face.'

 

I think you should just go back to being friends with him, but flirt, but hang out with others too, lead a full and happy life, and see how things play out. and leave the friends out of the love life gossip!

[melrich]

Also, I hate it when I'm advised to "move on" because I think it's the weakest thing alive. Oh, well, that didn't work, let's drop it; or, oh well,

 

Given that the first guy you liked was recently married and had shown little or no romantic interest in you despite your protestations to the contrary, I think the advice to "move on" was reasonable.

 

In this case I wouldn't advise you to move on, I'd advise you to be upfront with the guy, despite the risk to your ego.

[MissDashwood]

The first instance in my case was completely different and yes, that case you do move on when there's no more options! But in this new case, there is still hope, but I'm told to move on. I hear other people being told the same thing and I think it's rubbish because you can't just transfer all thoughts from one thing to the next like it's nothing. I like this guy only . . . I don't have plans to meet anyone else at my school because I'm not here for that . . . but as I do like one guy, I wouldn't mind seeing where that can go. So no, I'm not going to put him out of my mind and stop hanging with him because he's nice and fun and friendly and someone I plan on continuing to know.

 

As far as getting friends involved, that was different from how you're taking it. She did NOT go down and say, "So she likes you, do you like her?" She went down out of curiosty for herself and others because it has been the talk of our dorm wondering if he and I like each other. So she asked whether there is anything going on and mentioned people thought he liked this one girl and then those rumors ended, and then now me.

 

He admitted to being absolutely oblivious to the idea of him and me being together and when asked about the one girl before me about which rumors had spread, he actually looked a little horrified, lol, according to my friend. About me he sorta shrugged as though he wasn't sure but said he had never thought of me that way before. He said in hindsight he was asked by one of his best friends about me but didn't think anything of it, and then also the way it appears to others how we're always hanging out that he agrees it appears like dating, but in fact he never felt that way at all. Then he mentioned that as far as relationships go, there's this one girl from back home whom he sorta likes but she doesn't know he exists. So he's sorta hung up on a girl but it doesn't seem like it will amount to anything.

 

And for now he and I are still the same around each other, I just am going to hope that perhaps he'll start to look at me now in a different light as it has been pointed out to him. Especially with time as I have only known him for a month and a half. So I'm thinking perhaps with time and a little realization that the girl back home won't pan out, perhaps he might start thinking differently. Also especially if he starts feeling more inclined to date, because right now that's not in his mind to start doing.

 

So I'll have to see. But overall, the plot to find out worked perfectly if you ask me!

[annie24]

hm. I don't think that the plot worked so perfectly. because... you're here posting instead of being on a date with him, so I think things could have gone better.

 

it's like this.... people have.... agendas. most typically, people you would never guess. you really never get the full story from another person. and like I said, I would probably be pretty evasive if a mutual friend started asking me questions, especially if i had a crush on him.

 

the less people involved in a relationship and its communications, the better. the ideal number is 2.

[onewithbooks]

Miss Dashwood,

 

Hello there! I have been reading and following your posts about this situation for some time now, and I felt the need to write in on it. I understand and realize that you have feelings for this fellow, and that dating and all that leads up to it can be tough and awkward. Please do not take what I say next in a harsh way at all, because it really comes from a place that wants to see you happy.

 

Its 2006, you are an independent woman who needs no man in her life. You are smart and have a lot going for you, act like it. Stop being so shy and tell this boy how you feel. Be the grown woman that you are, and tell him. Odds are this wont be the last time in your life that you will have to do this, and this instance will make good practice.

 

He might be shy, he might be a lot of things. In any instance regarding another person you will never know 100% sure how they will feel and or react. However you know you, and you know you like him, so tell him. Its not the 1800's and as much as I love Jane Austen times like that where the woman waits for the man to decide to make his move are over. Take the power that you have as an independent woman of the new millennium and OWN it. Tell him that you like him, even if its just an e-mail. If he responds that he doesnt feel the same then you can begin the healing and moving on process sooner than later. If you wait, you will only have more feelings invested and it will be harder.

 

I am not telling you to stay or to move on. I am telling you to be honest with this fellow. If a boy liked you, you would want him to do that right, so do it with this one. I know that this is all easier said than done, but truly and sincerely just be honest with this boy and see what comes of it.

 

Take care and I sincerely wish you all the best!!!

 

LeAnn

[Batya33]

Bottom line. He has said he is not interested in dating. For your own sanity and protection add "me" as in "he is not interested in dating me" to the end of that sentence. You can hope all you want but if things are going to change they will change only when he is good and ready. Nothing you do can make him change his mind although if you pursue him he might change his mind and decide you are too pushy/clingy, etc and get turned off completely. It's simple and has nothing to do with level of education or sophistication. If a man is interested and available, he will ask you out on a proper date he plans in advance. If he doesn't than either he is not interested, not available, or both. He has stated that he is not interested in dating and that would include you. You do not have to turn your feelings off like a faucet but making the decision that you should not pursue a man who has stated he is not available and/or interested will go a long way in getting over him.

[MissDashwood]

Ok, so, this week there are new things. A friend was reading a Cosmo and the three of us were making jokes about it and laughing and the stupid editorials and such. One of them listed "Seven Truths About Guys" which included a comment about "68% Guys are 2/3 more likely to lie than a girl" and the guy I like said he totally agreed with that. Then another "truth" was "75% of guys prefer to be friends with a girl before anything else" at which he personally agreed to.

 

He made comments about being very different from most guys and that he doesn't want the same things as most guys either. He's clearly still a virgin and I don't think he's ever dated anyone nor gone after anyone either. But again, neither have I. So, in the context of tonight, I have to wonder now if he was personally admitting that guys will lie to a girl and that perhaps he may have interest in me and lied about it before, and that because he spends so much time with me is because he wants to get to know me as a friend before anything else?

 

Last night was interesting because there was slight physical contact in that there is a personal joke between us about monte cristo sandwhiches and when someone ordered one at dinner last night, he started elbowing me.

 

And there's this interesting thing about how he's really talkative and nice in person, but if you talk online with him on AIM he doesn't say much, in fact he'll not even respond after a time. But that's not like him so I wonder if he just gets distracted so often (guys bug me when they're like that) or if he's intentionally not responding or what? Any guys know?

 

Also, according to friend who asked him before, when she mentioned a rumor about a different girl, he looked horrified - when asked about me and whether the rumors were true, she said he looked surprised but not in a bad way. He didn't have a "God NO" look on his face, but it wasn't a grin either. He just claimed he was surprised and oblivious to it all. I'm hoping this was a lie and that he does have interest and that he just didn't think others noticed anything.

[MissDashwood]

And also, what about flirtation? What counts? Last night we all rode a bus downtown and I was in the back with my friends and he stayed up front with his friends. They all took seats but he stood the whole time. At one point I looked forward and he was looking back and I swear there was clear eye contact. Also, we've played some video games together and he gets really arrogant during them, but so do I because we're excellent at the same game. And so we get cocky and make comments. He might say something about how great he is at the game and I'll respond that it's just the gun he's using and not his own talent - that I have the talent. Then say he starts beating me he'll come back and say something about being better or whatever. Just trading goofy comments. How should I take that?

[Lansing]

I think you are overanalyzing this WAY too much.... I know because I have done it too in my personal situations...

 

The only way you will "know" is to ask him out to do "date" like things, the two of you. If you don't want to be the one to make the move, then, try to stop thinking of all of this "does he like me" type stuff...

[Batya33]

It's really much simpler if you discount all that flirting and stop analyzing unless and until he asks you out on a proper date. If you want to ask him out go ahead but I think you have made it very clear that if he asked you the answer would be yes.

 

an example- a friend of mine, a teacher, had a massive crush on a fellow teacher - they flirted verbally and would do all this kind of hand holding and high fiving. she even wrote him a letter about how strong a connection she felt between them and he told her he "agreed" with her letter. i was the only one of all her friends who had the opinion that despite all the flirting he might not be interested in dating her - he might just be interested in flirting with someone who was interested in him too. she told me that that couldn't be right - why else would he be flirting? She asked him out for his birthday and she took him to an inexpensive pizza restaurant. they did not hook up but he continued to flirt.

 

she did notice that sometimes he treated her more like a buddy. She is 40 and he is 30. a week later, she learned that he has a serious long term girlfriend who he lives with.

 

so, yes, this particular man in my story is a jerk - of course he should have told her that particularly when she gave him the letter - but this story and many others I know of demonstrate that there are many reasons (!) other than sincere interest in dating or a relationship - as to why a man flirts with a woman. and this is why it is a waste of time to analyze what all the signs mean. If he is not asking you out on a proper date, and he is emotionally stable and single, assume he is not that into you or not that into dating anybody. That way you don't have to pick apart every look, glance, sneeze, fingers that touch, shared tacos or shared impressions about a tv show.

[MissDashwood]

Well I found out from a girl who knew him last year that I was randomly talking to who said that I am the first girl he's ever shown interest in and that there is definitely a difference in the way he is around me vs. other friends who are girls. She says she figures he's never had a girlfriend and doesn't know what to do, that he may not actually be ready for that right now given our homework stuff, but that as far as she thinks, he's interested but isn't taking it a step further for whatever reason.

 

I'm content in knowing that. Will wait to see what happens for Christmas break.

[SarCareBear]

my feelings: take him off the pedestal in your head. remember, even though he's the object of your affections, he's still JUST a guy, and from what you've said, an inexperienced (relationship-wise) and somewhat confused one at that. it seems this guy doesn't particularly know what he wants... so start putting ideas into his head. some outright flirting may be in order... make him realize how good things would be with you two.

[walkingwithaghost]

omg MissDashwood I have broken up with the guy I knew who I compared to the situation you are in. That being said ask him out already! If he says no who cares atleast you won't be stressing about it anymore...

[cpc28655]

I'm hoping the girl back home stops knowing that he exists at all and totally rejects him so he'll give up that, then with time our friendship will change over. Is that possible with just more time?QUOTE]

 

I just came accross this thread and felt the need to respond. To hope for one's rejection just blows my mind. That is the coldest thing you could possibly hope for.